Title: The Enthrallment Variable
Characters: Sheldon/Penny Leonard/OC Howard/Bernadette
Warnings: Some bad words for now
Summary: Penny thinks she's found the perfect girl for Sheldon.
Notes: My first ship fic! Comments are welcome!
Spoilers: up to and including the Boyfriend Complexity
Disclaimer: I'm borrowing these wonderful characters and I promise to put them back when I'm done.
After being harangued all week by Sheldon about what qualified her to be a "girl next door", she finally had a real answer. Apparently the girl next door is short. That seemed to be the big thing separating her from the 6ft glamazons surrounding her. Not that Penny was intimidated. Well, not much.
"These are some tall ass bitches."
Penny strained her neck to look up at the speaking glamazon. Like everyone in the room, she was ridiculously tall and absurdly thin. Like most of the girls in the room, she had blond hair and blue eyes but unlike most of the room, she appeared to have been born that way.
"You're the tallest girl here."
"Yeah, but usually I walk into a room of chicks and I feel like Godzilla storming Tokyo. Here I feel normal. If my high school had looked more like this, I would have gone to senior prom."
"I feel like a homunculus."
The glamazon's eyes widen incredulously, "I was just thinking that the voice in my head that always tells me I'm fat kind of looks like you."
Penny wasn't sure if it was a compliment or insult but she knew one thing for sure. She was talking to a model who knew the word homunculus. She owed it to her boys to learn more.
Her name was Regina but she preferred Reg. Mainly because her parent's pronounced her name so that it rhymed with vagina. "My folks decide to be British for a year and I spend my whole school life being called Vag. That's why I skipped so many grades."
She was a mathematics grad student at Caltech. It was too perfect. She told herself if it weren't for the height difference, she would introduce Reg to Leonard. Her only hesitation was the height difference. That was the reason she decided to go with. Howard was also a homunculus and dating Bernadette. That left Raj and...
Sheldon? No! Maybe.
Reg knew Dr. Sheldon Cooper. "A physicist melts down! That guy is awesome! You really know that guy?"
"I'm the one who gave him the wine to calm himself down."
"He did not look tense so... Daps to Penny!"
Penny returned the fist bump and tried to think how she could possibly set Sheldon, of all people, up on a date.
Reg thought Sheldon was "kinda fucking cute" and she had opinions on his work. Penny didn't understand anything Reg was saying but she recognized the words boson, and m-theory and those were things Leonard and Sheldon talked about.
Penny took her place in the middle of the glamazons and pretended to eat bowel-regulating yogurt. She was the "regular" girl in a national ad campaign. Her career was finally taking off.
Penny was mulling over how to manipulate Sheldon into going on a date when he walked up to her and said, "Here's how you can manipulate me."
Actually, he said, "Oh, good, Penny. I hoped I'd run into you. Can I assume you won't be giving Leonard coitus for his birthday this year since you are no long 'seeing each other'."
"I thought we called a moratorium on the word coitus."
Sheldon smiled because she used a polysyllabic word, "Very good, Penny! My apologies, can I assume you won't be having intercourse with Leonard this year for his birthday?"
"You can assume that. Why would you even ask?"
"Because that's how Leonard celebrated his last birthday. Now I can move forward with my plans."
"What have you got up your sleeve, Dr. Cooper?"
"My arm but I imagine you mean figuratively. I'm planning a 'kick ass' birthday party for Leonard and I have a dearth of attractive females."
Sheldon held up a clip board. Male names were listed on the left, females on the right. There was a definite discrepancy. Apparently dearth meant 'not enough'.
"You're throwing a party for Leonard? Why? I mean, that's so sweet but... why?"
"Leonard is my best friend."
Maybe Sheldon was learning.
"And as part of our friendship rider Leonard has demanded I make one gesture of appreciation a year for said friendship."
It was still something.
"So you need more pretty girls for your party..."
"My research indicates I need at the very least to have an equal number of males and females. Preferably an abundance of females but that seems unlikely to occur as Leonard and most of his friends are horribly intimidated by attractive women. Naturally, Koothrapalli takes the prize in that category but," Sheldon held up the clip board again, "You'll notice there are no Don Juans on the invite list."
"So... you need more pretty girls for your party."
"Yes. I assume you will be in attendance. I already call the Cheesecake Factory to make sure you had the evening off."
"Of course I'll be there! And, yes, I can bring some friends."
"How many do you think you can bring because I'm not sure I should invite Dr. Stephanie and Leslie Winkle. While they are 'pretty girls', I'm given to understand that ex-girlfriends should be kept to a minimum at a birthday party."
Penny looked at the list. Bernadette, Amy Farrah Fowler, Penny and Missy.
"I called her and not only did she agree to fly out, she cried. I had no idea she enjoyed birthday parties so much."
"Maybe she was crying because it's the first time you've ever tried to include her in your life."
"I send her a Christmas card every year. Moving on. The theme will be Star Trek but I expect there will be iconoclasts who choose to dress as Star Wars characters," Sheldon pointed to the mock up party invite that explained the theme was Star Trek but that in was not uncommon for iconoclasts to dress in Star Wars costumes on such occasions, "and it's going to be a surprise party so keep this under your metaphorical hat."
"How are you going to keep it a secret. You've got that lime disease thing."
"I don't have lime disease, I have tics... I don't have time for this. I don't have to keep it a secret because Leonard knows we're having a Star Trek themed birthday party for him."
"Then how the frack is this a surprise party?"
"Because he thinks it will just be the four of us but in fact, I'm inviting all of his friends and all the attractive women I can scrape together. And there will be alcohol. That reminds me, I'm going to need you to drive me to purchase the alcohol and to ascertain how much I need to buy. I have not been able to find data regarding the average alcohol consumption at a party..."
"Got it. No problem. I actually just met this great girl..."
"Is she available for coitus?"
"I think so."
"Then bring her to the party," Sheldon clasped his clip board to his chest and looked thoughtful, "I hope this party is successful and it makes Leonard happy."
"Oh, sweetie, it will," if it were anyone else, she would have kissed his cheek.
"If this party is successful enough, maybe I can get Leonard to ease up on some of the more unreasonable demands in the friendship rider."
"Like asking him once a day how he is even if you don't care?"
"So you agree with me? I'm glad someone sees my side Get back to me with a number ASAP."
Sheldon went back to his apartment without a goodbye or any indication the conversation was over. She hadn't been able to mention Reg but now she knew how to introduce the two.
She called Reg and invited her to a Star Wars themed birthday party.
"Would I be an apostate if I wore my Princess Leia costume?'
"More like an iconoclast."
She'd google both words later.
*Author's note: Am losing my mind trying to fix formatting errors! I'm sorry if its hard to read.