Roses Are Red
Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds, and I make no financial profit in writing this.
Everyone was working. There was no active case, so it was a paperwork day.
Rossi and Hotch were in the former's office discussing a file. Morgan was leaning back in his chair, tapping a pen and looking around, bored. Reid, while he was SUPPOSED to still be on leave, was typing furiously on his computer, flying through the files he had liberated from Morgan and Prentiss' stack of paperwork. Every now and then he glanced up at Rossi's office, where Rossi and Hotch were talking; if Hotch caught him working, he would send him right home.
After a few minutes, the girls walked into the bullpen and Emily sat down at her desk with a wince and a soft groan. Reid looked up, watching as Garcia pat her on the shoulder.
"Don't worry, my lovely. We'll get you a chocolate shake at lunch." She told her. Emily smiled through her pained grimace.
"Have you taken anything?" JJ asked Emily.
"No point… nothing works." Emily grumbled.
"What's wrong?" Reid asked. The women looked at him.
"Oh. Uh, nothing Reid." Emily said, giving him a smile.
"… Are you hurt?" Reid pressed.
"JJ asked you if you took anything."
"It's nothing, Spence." JJ said with a smile.
"What's not working?" Reid asked, digging in his desk drawer as Rossi and Hotch walked out onto the walkway between their two offices. "I might have something that will!" The women burst into giggles at this, and the men all looked at them. Reid blinked. "What?"
"Spence… I doubt you have anything that can help Emily."
"Well, if she'd tell me what's wrong!" Reid whined. "I AM a doctor!"
"Not THAT kind of doctor." Emily pointed out, grinning as JJ and Garcia burst out laughing again.
"Are you in pain?" Reid asked.
"Yes, Reid. But it's FINE." Emily told him.
"Well, what's hurting? Come on, I AM a genius! Maybe I can help!" Reid insisted.
"You are so stubborn." Emily sighed.
"So what's wrong?"
"Reid… uhg, fine… My roses are red." Emily said. Reid blinked.
"My roses are red." Emily repeated. Morgan, Rossi and Hotch all observed this scene in amazed silence.
"… What's that?" Reid asked. The girls burst out laughing again. Morgan let his head fall to the desk, and Rossi's eyebrows shot up. He looked at Hotch in disbelief. The man was trying not to smile.
"This ought to be good." Rossi murmured under his breath
"No kidding." Hotch agreed, closing the file and focusing completely on the scene unfolding in the bull pen.
"What's so funny?" Reid was asking with a pout. "What does that mean?"
"I'm… feeling delicate." Emily said. Reid blinked again.
"Are you sick?"
"No!" Emily laughed.
"Well, you're an FBI Field Agent, Emily, you're hardly delicate."
JJ, Morgan and Garcia burst out laughing, and Emily just stared at Reid, mouth hanging open. Reid blinked, and then his eyes widened.
"I… I didn't mean that as an insult! I'm… I'm just saying that… that…"
"No, it's okay, Reid. I know what you meant." Emily laughed. "And I'm not sick."
"So what's wrong?"
"… She was caught by the Crimson Tide." Garcia said. Reid blinked.
"Mother Nature came to visit." JJ offered.
Reid blinked, puzzled. "… It's raining?" More laughter.
"My Aunt Flo has come to visit."
"… You have an aunt? I didn't know that!"
"I don't!" Emily cried, amazed. Was the boy REALLY that clueless?
"What are you guys talking about?" Reid demanded to know.
"I'm a victim of Eve's Curse." Emily said.
"She's riding the red wave." JJ offered.
"Her kitty is bleeding."
"Aw, man…" Morgan cried, shaking his head. Reid just looked baffled.
"Look Reid… all you have to know is that I'm… you know… ON TIME?" Emily tried to explain.
"… For what?" Reid asked, and looked up when Rossi began hacking and coughing. A moment later, Hotch covered his mouth and coughed too. Both men's faces were red.
"I'm having a Bloody Mary." Emily said.
"… On the job?" Reid cried, looking horrified. Everyone started laughing (and coughing) again.
"Reid!" Garcia laughed. "It's like… OMG, I'm OMP."
"She's riding the cotton pony." JJ said.
"There are Communists in the funhouse." Emily said.
"She's rebooting the ovarian operating system." Garcia chimed in.
"… I think you've all gone insane!" Reid cried.
"Alright, enough!" Hotch called, laughing. "I can't take this any more!"
Chuckling, Rossi walked down and sat on the edge of Reid's desk, putting a hand on the young man's shoulder. "Reid… Agent Prentiss is in pain because she's cramping due to her menstrual cycle." Reid blinked, and then slowly, his eyes widened.
"… What?" He squeaked.
"She's having her period, Spence." JJ said, grinning. Everyone watched as Reid's mouth fell open and he turned bright pink. His eyes darted around, and then he squeaked and jumped to his feet, mumbling incoherently in his embarrassment, and then fled. The team watched him go, stumbling over his own feet. And then they couldn't take it anymore. They all collapsed into gales of laughter. Even Hotch had to grasp the walkway railing and lean on it as he shook in his laughter.
"Oh MAN!" Morgan managed to gasp.
"I hope you're not embarrassed that everyone knows that it's that time of the month…" Hotch called down to Emily, and she looked up at the sincere concern her boss was showing. She waved her hand and grinned.
"Nah." She said. "And besides… That was SO totally worth it."
Shoulders shaking in suppressed laughter, Hotch walked down the stairs.
"Well. If you will excuse me, I'm going to go see if I can talk Reid into leaving the bathroom before everyone else has gone home. And guys… next time… just give him a straight answer."
"Now why would we wanna do that?" Morgan asked.
Hotch glared at him, then glanced down as he passed Reid's desk, and stopped. "... Are these...? Agent Morgan! Agent Prentiss!" The pair tensed and gave the man guilty looks. "He is NOT supprosed to be working! Take your files back, NOW." And he stalked out of the bull pen and headed towards the men's room. Morgan and the girls snickered. Rossi frowned, thinking.
"… I wonder how many OTHER slang terms we could confuse the kid with…" The man finally mused out loud, completely ignoring Hotch getting on Morgan and Prentiss' cases for letting Reid help them with paperwork. The others stared at him.
"… I can think of a few." Prentiss announced.
"Me too!" Morgan announced. They all looked around at each other, then let out a mutual sinister chuckle.
God, they LOVED their oblivious Boy Genius...
I love it when Reid has his oblivious moments... Special shout out to Southernchickie who helped me come up with all of the slag terms for menstruation
Coming up this weekend...
Edge Of Insanity