Author's Note: This is my version of how it should have gone when Bosco went to Faith asking for help in season 6's "Revelations". Too much was left unsaid.
I know there are plenty of post/missing scenes/rewrites out there - this is my version. There are lots of references to prior conversations between Bosco and Faith - if you watch the show you'll recognize them. ;)
Please review - I love hearing from readers.
Disclaimer: I own nothing in regards to Third Watch. Or the song.
"If You Ever Did Believe" – Stevie Nicks
You've left me now,
And it's seasoned my soul
And with every step you take,
I watch another part of you go...
"Bosco, that's not fair," she's says, and something inside of him bursts.
He came here desperate – more desperate than he's probably ever been. And she doesn't get it.
This has been tearing him apart for weeks now, a churning, raging, fire in his gut.
Because he used to be an "expert marksman", and now he'd be lucky to hit the broadside of a building.
He used to be a lot of things.
His recent eye troubles, along with his bum leg, the aches and phantom pains, the plaguing nightmares, and the horrific scar covering the right side of his face, altogether make him feel like half the man he used to be.
And if this is the payoff for surviving, he's not so sure he'd rather not be dead.
It is this thought that drives him to Faith's door.
He's never been suicidal – not even with the PTSD. He's always considered himself above it.
But he's been reduced to a shell of a man, and tonight he feels like he's at the end of his rope.
If he can't requalify, he can't be a cop anymore. And this terrifies him, because he has nothing else.
He's overwhelmed with a sense of doom, because he knows he only has two options.
Either cheat and have Faith shoot for him, or do it the hard way and risk losing everything.
He can't handle anymore hard things right now. He can't stand to lose anything else.
"I need someone to shoot for me."
Cheating is beneath him, he knows. He tells himself he'd never really do it, but he can't get it out of his head.
He knows he's weak, so he runs to the one person who can be strong for him.
"Bosco, I can't do that."
He didn't honestly believe she'd shoot for him, not really. But he certainly didn't expect her to be so calm about it…so…clinical.
What angers him is not so much what she says, but what she does not say.
"You don't understand…" he says, standing to pace. He has to pace, lest he crumble before her.
"I-I'm not gonna sit behind a desk for the rest of my life. It's not gonna happen. So I'm asking you…everything that we've been through together."
"You're not thinking straight. I'm gonna tell you right now: you do not want to do this."
"It's all I got! If I don't get back on…what am I supposed to do?"
He wants her to fight for him, like she has so many times before. He wants her to yell at him, try and knock some sense into him. He wants her to save him from this – from himself, like she has so many times before.
But she doesn't fight. She just accepts it.
It's the "there are plenty of jobs you can do down at the department" that pushes him over the edge.
She's misread him entirely, and somehow this is going all wrong.
He can't read the looks she's giving him. They used to be able to "talk without talking". They were once two halves of the same whole. Now they've been torn asunder, and it cuts him like a knife.
"No, I need to be in the radio car…answering calls…it's what I do. It's what I'm good at. It's what I do!"
If they were still partners, if she was still counting on him to have her back, she'd fight for him. But now that she's a detective, she doesn't need him. She won't ever be in that RMP with him again, so it matters so much less to her.
She's left him behind.
That she can dismiss him so quickly with an, "I can't help you," so cold…so detached, is unthinkable.
They used to finish each others' sentences, but now she's a stranger to him.
Pulling out all the stops, he does the unimaginable.
"I saved your life that night – and you won't do this for me?"
He hates himself in that moment, for his weakness. For making it sound like he was keeping score, like saving her life meant she owed him something. He hates himself for the shocked, hurt look she gives him as the ugly words pour off of his tongue.
"You're gonna sit there, and you're gonna look at me, and you're gonna tell me that you won't shoot a damn target?"
She's right – he isn't thinking straight.
This is his darkest moment, and he's counting on her to be the light.
"Out of all people I thought that I could – I could come to you."
He is drowning, and she's his only lifeline. He waits expectantly for her rescue.
"Bosco, that's not fair."
Something inside of him bursts, then dies. He has nothing left. He tried to reach her, but she remains far removed from him. She doesn't care.
He wants to cry – but anger is easier.
He laid himself bare before her, and she turned him away.
He's been rejected. And it hurts.
"To hell with you," he tells her, and now he doesn't care about her feelings, because she's already trampled all over his.
"No, to hell with you," he says again, more forcefully.
"Bosco!" She calls after him, but he has to leave before he breaks.
I continue to build a wall,
You were so strong
I fell to my knees,
And I don't think I can handle this at all...
It's the look he gives her before slamming the door that Faith can't get out of her mind.
He looked…wild, almost. It scares her, what he might do in this state. She won't be able to sleep tonight, after this.
For the life of her she can't understand where the conversation went wrong, but she's left feeling angry and wounded. It wasn't fair, what Bosco asked her to do.
Asking her to shoot for him…how stupid and selfish can he be?
"You're not thinking straight..."
"It's all I got!"
In the end, it's her fear that leads her to put on her coat and head out into the cold night, heading toward his apartment.
One more night
I'd like to lie and hold you,
Yes and feel
To make you smile,
I'd like to be there for you,
Have you forgotten me?
He's so lost in his grief he doesn't notice her until she's sitting next to him on the steps of his apartment complex.
Frantically, he wipes the sleeve of his coat across his wet face.
"Go home, Faith. I got nothing more to say to you."
"Yeah, well I'm not finished."
"Look, I already heard you loud and clear. I'm done."
"How dare you?" She seethes, and the shakiness of her voice causes him to finally look at her.
"You saved my life that night. You did. And I can never repay you or thank you enough. But you seem to forget, or maybe you can't remember – that I saved your life that night, too!" She's crying now.
Bosco ducks his head in shame. He feels like an ass.
No…he is an ass.
"Don't! How can you be so selfish? I was the one sitting in that room, trying to stop you from bleeding to death. I was the one who had to listen to you choke on blood every time you breathed. And I was the one who started CPR when you finally stopped! Make no mistake, that I saved your life that night!" Her voice has risen to the point where her vocal chords are straining, and she pants with the effort of yelling through her sobs.
"I thought you died Bosco. I thought you died…did you ever think of how that felt for me? I…I nearly went crazy. I had to tell your mom, who was laying up in ICU, that you'd been shot. I had to tell your mom, Bosco! And then, all I could think about was Mann, and how he killed you…and I…I…."
She's sobbing so hard that it scares him, and he tentatively turns and wraps his arms around her.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…."
"I took care of him for you," she muffles into his coat, and he freezes. "Do you remember that?"
"I…Mann…I told you I took care of him for you," she wipes the back of her hand across her cheek as she speaks. "Because I thought he'd killed you. That's what I did for you, Bosco." And she pulls away from him roughly, her voice bitter.
He's staring at her in shock. "But I thought…Cruz…."
She laughs, a hollow sound that makes him flinch. "She was actually gonna bring him in. He was cuffed, already in custody." She shakes her head at the memory, eyes distant. "I shot him until my gun was empty."
"Faith…." His tone is one of concern, because he doesn't like her words.
"They gave me immunity. That's why I'm here and not in Rykers." She sniffs and looks down at her shoe, strands of blonde hair falling to hide her face. "It's a long story."
"Why are you telling me this?" He suddenly demands, frustrated now because he doesn't know how to feel about this new information.
Her green eyes flash with indignation. "Because you seem to think you're the only one who's been affected by this, that you're the only one who's made sacrifices."
"Sacrifices? Sacrifices?" He spits the word back at her angrily, face scrunched up in anger and confusion.
"Do you realize how much that bastard took from me?" He all but shouts, standing abruptly.
"Of course I..."
"No! I don't think you do!" He cuts her off with a stab of his finger.
"You want to talk to me about what's fair? Y-You want to try and tell me that what I asked you wasn't fair? What the hell do you know about what's fair?"
"No, I listened to you; now you're gonna hear me." He pauses and looks away, swallowing hard before he can continue.
"He killed my brother…he almost killed my mother…he damn near killed me…and now he's this close," he hisses, holding up pinched fingers, "to taking my job, the only thing I got left."
And the days go by,
Doing nothing about them
How much time,
Will I have to spend?
"Twelve months in that hospital…twelve months of my life…gone. And I'm trying to claw my way back to where I was before all this, to be the same man, and I don't know if I can do it. Hell, even if I get back on the force, it's not like it'll be the same." He shoots her a pointed glare, eyes tinged with sorrow and something she recognizes as betrayal.
"I mean…do you remember, Faith…when you called me to the diner, the night before you were supposed to come back to work after…." He trails off, not needing to explain the 'after'.
"Kinda surprised you called."
"I'm coming back to work tomorrow."
"Yeah. The department doctors say there's no medical reason why I can't."
"So you're alright?"
"According to the doctors."
"So, you're not alright."
"You said that they wanted you to get counseling, but you didn't want it in your file…."
"That isn't the same thing, Bosco…."
"Oh, the hell it isn't, Faith! You knew you weren't better, but you came to me anyway."
"If I'm coming back, I'm coming back all the way."
"Bosco, if you can't see straight, you'll get yourself killed out there," she retorts defensively. "I can't live with that!"
He stares at her, eyes narrowing, then steps in her personal space. When he speaks his voice is barely above a whisper.
"Faith…if your head isn't in the game, you'll get yourself killed out there faster. Do you remember what I said to you? Huh?"
"I can't do it. I can't handle the responsibility anymore."
"You. For whether or not you get hurt."
"You don't have to be responsible for me."
"If we're partners – yes. I am."
"I didn't think it was a good idea to partner up again. I knew you weren't 100 percent. But I did it anyway, for you. Because it's what you needed. Because we're partners."
"I'm your partner. I was there for you. I'll always be there for you."
She's shaking her head before he finishes the sentence. "I won't shoot for you, Bosco. Don't ask me again, because I won't do it."
"Because it's not fair Faith? At least you had a partner to come back to!"
She softens then, as he turns away from her. She stares at him, huddled next to her in his winter coat, the breath escaping his mouth in clouds of warm fog.
He's still way too thin, far from gaining back the twenty or so pounds lost in the hospital. His eyes are suspiciously bright, sunken, and rimmed with the dark shadows of fatigue. From the anxious, absentminded way he's rubbing his thigh she can tell his leg is bothering him.
He's fragile…more vulnerable than she's ever seen him, and she is filled with the sudden longing to hold him in her arms.
My mind won't rest,
And I don't sleep
Not even in my dreams...
"Everything's changed, you know? I just feel like it's all slipping away from me," he quietly admits.
Wordlessly, she wraps her arms around him, and he hesitates only a moment before laying a weary head on her shoulder.
Rubbing his back, she whispers the words he needed to hear an hour ago.
"It's gonna be alright, Bos. I'm not gonna leave you. We'll figure this out together, okay?"
He lets out a hapless sob, clinging to her with all his strength.
If you ever did believe,
For my sake
If you ever did believe...
"I really need you, Faith," he whimpers in her ear. "I don't have anyone…God help me, I don't have anyone else."
"Because you're the only one. Faith, I don't have anyone else."
"Shhh. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
Slowly it dawns on her that he's shivering against her, and that his still-healing body probably shouldn't be out in the cold.
"Come on, let's go upstairs," she says quietly, leading him inside to his apartment.
They get inside, and she can tell he's exhausted by the bleary look in his dark eyes. She kicks off her shoes, dropping her coat on a chair, then grabs his hand and leads him back to his bedroom.
"What are you….?"
Slowly, she takes off his coat, then bends down to pull off his shoes. Her touch is so tender that it leaves him speechless.
"I have to use your bathroom," she whispers, simultaneously handing him a pair of sweatpants.
By the time she returns he is changed.
He watches, mesmerized, as she crawls under the covers, and then reaches for him, arms outstretched.
"Shhh…just come here."
He scoots next to her with a sigh, surprised when she wraps her warm arms around him, snuggling up to his body.
"Relax. Just relax. We'll worry about the rest of it tomorrow."
Her soft breaths lull him into a painless, dreamless slumber.
Ooo…Baby don't leave me,
Ooo…I'm down on my knees
Begging you please,
Baby don't leave me
Did you ever believe?