Long story short, I angered a gypsy over the weekend. And as it turns out, she was actually one of those gypsies with magic powers, not just some old Romani woman. So after all the fires were put out, and we both stopped bleeding enough to stand up, this gypsy put a curse on me. I know what you're thinking, she must have given me a horse's head, or doomed all of my relationships to fail, or whatever. But this gypsy seemed a bit odd, and instead used her mighty powers to send me into the world of Fallout 3. And again, I know what you're thinking: "Holy shit, that sounds awesome! You can run around the Wastelands killing shit, and getting laid, and killing more shit!" Yeah, I thought that too, at first, but apparently that gypsy knew what she was doing.
Immediately after she muttered her curse, I blacked out, and awoke to find myself lying in a bed, with some old guy in a lab coat standing over me. He leaned in towards me, way too close, so I grabbed him by the throat and threw him on his ass. I climbed out of my bed, and looked around. I was inside, looked like I was in a ship or something. The guy on the floor tried getting to his feet and shouted at me. "Stop, please!" I'm a ..." I cut him off with a sharp kick to the gut, sending him back to the ground, moaning. I heard footsteps running towards me, and stopping outside by the door. "What's wrong? What happened?" A voice shouted through the door. The door flung open, and the last thing I remember before blacking out again was three guys in leather armor knocking me over and me hitting my head (much like my last birthday party).
I awoke in the same bed, with the same guy standing over me. The leather guys were standing behind him, and my wrists were chained to the bed. "Where the hell am I, why am I handcuffed, and why are you guys in leather?" The guy whose ass I kicked pretty good before spoke to me. "My name is Doctor Preston. We found you out in the Wasteland, knocked out." I struggled in my restraints, desperately trying to break free before this crazy guy or his leathermen rape squad could have their way with me. 'Doctor' Preston spoke up again. "Please, we're not here to hurt you. You may have a concussion, from when you hit your head yesterday." Yesterday? Jesus rollerblading Christ! I've been at these freaks' mercy for a day, at least! I struggled more, angered that my privates may or may not have been taken advantage of. One of the guys in leather handed Preston a syringe, who jabbed it in my arm, and again, I blacked out.
After being injected with what I can only guess was some sort of rape serum, I awoke, no longer handcuffed, in the same bed. Doctor Preston said I had a clean bill of health. I asked him why those guys were dressed like they were Road Warrior extras, and he acted surprised, like I asked him whether or not Richard Simmons was gay. He told me that the year was 2277, and that 200 years ago, there had been a horrible nuclear war, and that the survivors and their offspring were now fighting to survive the elements, radiation, and mutants. I was then shown around the boat, meeting many people who I didn't find interesting at all. When Preston wasn't looking, I slipped away, and found myself on the top of the large aircraft carrier that was home to all these people. True to what Doctor Jerkston said, off in the distance sat destroyed buildings, rubble, and bodies. I turned around, wanting to go back inside, but some douchebag with a pornstar mustache and a motorcycle helmet stopped me. "Hey, I'm Seagrave. Seagraves Holmes." "Yeah, good for you." I replied. "Those are some weird clothes you've got on, stranger." I looked down, realizing I was still wearing my black T-shirt and jeans, stained with gypsy tears from my adventures with that gypsy. I looked at what he was wearing, looking for something to make fun of him for. That motorcycle helmet made him look like a... actually, that helmet was pretty cool looking. I looked over the railing, the water was pretty far down.
The next morning, Doctor Preston had found me sleeping on the flight deck of the ship. He woke me up, and yelled at me for a bit for walking off on him. Before he left, he said "Oh, and congratulations on trading something for that new helmet of yours!" I was puzzled, not knowing what the hell he was talking about before touching my head. Huh, I thought, I must have done some trading last night. I stood up, and went back inside the ship. I stole some canned ham from some distracted kid, who may or may not have been told his mother was looking for him. After breakfast, I talked to a guy who sold weapons. I didn't have any money, but he did offer to give me a handgun and a magazine for my new helmet. Just after our trade, he asked me something. "Isn't this Seagrave's helmet?" "Who the fuck is Seagrave?" "Nevermind." I walked out of the marketplace, tucking my new gun into my wasteband, and decided I was leaving this place. Maybe find a place that wasn't a rusting battleship, a place where Doctor Faggleton wasn't bothering me to meet random assholes every three minutes. I noticed a bridge leading from the ship to land. A guard stopped me, and told me that Seagrave Holmes was missing, and to keep an eye out for him. I muttered "Yeah, I'll do that", as I walked across the bridge. He wished me good luck, and I shouted back at him to 'fuck off'. What was the worst that could happen, everything was dead! Was I going to get bored to death?
I had just made it across the bridge when some homeless guy asked me if I had any water. I pointed back at the river the ship was floating in. He told me that he needed clean water, not irradiated water. I told him he was shit out of luck, and also that if anybody asked about a guy named Seagraves, he went 'that way', as I pointed off in a random direction. I walked through about a mile of destroyed city, when I noticed something up ahead. A huge yellow beast was standing ahead, covered in armor. I shouted at him. "Yo!" He turned to me, and started walking briskly towards me. I took my gun out from my waistband, and held it sideways as he approached. I took a shot at him, which missed completely. Alright, it's cool, I thought. I took another shot, this one bouncing harmlessly off his armor. I emptied the magazine, doing nothing, and whipped my gun at the giant motherfucker. He picked me up and threw me through a couple walls. Again, I blacked out.
The six days between my encounter with the giant mutant and finding myself as the leader of a cave full of children were a blur in my mind. I had lost my gun, and only by sheer luck (or maybe it was extreme awesomeness) that I had survived. The day after I was knocked out was mostly full of bleeding and limping through the ruins, unarmed. I was soon picked up by a roaming band of slavers, who took me captive and fitted me with an explosive collar. After my daring escape from the slaver camp (made possible by killing a fellow slave for his blood and playing dead), I stumbled around, starving, and beating away feral dogs with a stick and a rock. Using the fur of the dogs who had failed to kill me, I managed to avoid freezing to death during the night. One day, I ran across another guy, who rushed to my aid, convinced I needed his help. "Jesus, you look half dead! Are you okay?" I grabbed him, and made much use of my stick and rock. Eventually, he stopped moving. Good, I thought. He would have killed me if I gave him the chance. I rumaged through his belongings, but I didn't find any of his weapons or tools that I knew he was going to rape and kill me with (maybe not in that order). I figured me must have left that stuff in his rape cave. I did however find a map, to some caves called Little Lamplight. After a day and a night of beating away more dogs and what may have been a fairy, I had ended up outside of the cave.
A little kid standing watch over the gate told me that they didn't let grown ups in. I quickly scaled the gate, and dragged him out, leaving him without his weapons on the other side. I took his rifle and his jacket, and climbed back over the gate. "You can't do this," he shouted, "I'm the mayor of Little Lampli..." The rest of his sentence was drowned out by me locking the gate. After entering the little shanty town, I found that all of the residents were children. "Where's Robert?" They asked. I told them I was their new king, mainly because I had a gun and was much bigger than they were, and that I was to be called Superman for now on. My new subjects fearfully accepted. Ten days after probably being molested on a ship by Doctor Dickston, things were finally going my way.
After enjoying a day of ordering the children to wrestle, I decided that I could use a good drink. I ordered Knick Knack, my waiter, to bring me a bottle of rum. "But King Superman, we have no rum." I grabbed him by the throat and lifted him up so the others could see what failure will bring them. "What do you mean you have no rum?" I asked, my deep voice echoing awesomely in the tunnels. "We're only children, we don't drink." After deciding not to strangle him to death, I threw him aside, and summoned my assistant, a little girl in a dress. "Bring me five of my subjects, and give them rocks. Tell them they will have the great pleasure of protecting their king on a supply run!" The little girl ran off to do as I ordered, and I toyed with the idea of bringing back my waiter and forcing him to fight my assistant while handcuffed to the front gate. The five children I demanded to come arrived, and I armed them with rocks. I told them of their mission. "But sir..." One of them begun to spoke up without addressing me by my proper title. My eyes darted to my assistant, who got the hint and slapped him across the face. I nodded approvingly at her, before turning back to my new outfit of soldiers. "King Superman," the slapped kid said, "these rocks will do nothing against the Radscorpions!" I sighed. "And what the fuck is a Radscorpion?" The kid trembled, probably in fear of another slap.
"My king, they are scorpions..." I cut him off sharply. "Yeah, I kind of got that, moron." I faced my assistant again, who smacked the kid a second time. A tear rolled down his face as he failed to summon the courage to do anything. I spoke again to my fearful subjects. "Can anybody who's not a little bitch tell me what a Radscorpion is?" Another, less sissy kid, stepped up. "King, they are wild scorpions, turned giant from the fallout left by the bombs." I thought for a moment, before addressing my scavenger party. "Alright, here's your orders. I think I probably might have possibly seen a supermarket on my way over here. I'm going over there to look for some alcohol. Seeing as there are apparently giant scorpions now, you will probably be dying for your king. I am King Superman! I have spoken!" I led my band of five children out to the gate. The gate opened and the kid who I had left outside ambushed me and my men.
"You asshole, you can't leave me, the mayor, out here! Give me back my jacket!" He turned to one of my guards. "Zip! You can't do this to me, we're friends, man!" Zip turned to me, who was at the moment doing the slit-throat gesture and mouthing 'no', and turned back to the ex-mayor. "King Superman is my friend now." I shouted at my unit of soldiers. "Quick! Kill him before he can reason with us!" My soldiers mobbed over the ex-mayor, who very quickly became ex-alive. We marched forwards, towards the direction of the supermarket. We came under attack from one of the giant scorpions, and my men quickly shielded me from danger using their tiny little bodies. We left the sissy kid behind, to allow the rest of us to escape, and we almost made it to the supermarket when another scorpion attacked us from behind. Bravely, I told Zip to stand between the scorpion and myself, where it was safer. I took that opportunity to sprint for the supermarket while the scorpion was busy with my men. I made a mental note to have a medal made or something when I got back. I burst inside the supermarket, and loaded a basket with bottles of liquor. I ran back the way I came, passing the bloodied bodies of King Superman's Royal Guard. I had just made it back to the cave, when I felt light headed and blacked out.
I awoke, in front of the gypsy, back in the present day. The gypsy explained that she thought I was enjoying the 'curse' a little too much, so she brought me back. She then told me that she had her brother teabag me when I was knocked out, so she called it even. I left the gypsy's shop, and began my long walk back to my apartment. The world will soon be ready, I said to myself, for the reign of King Superman.