Hey look at that! I updated! SAY WHA?!

I don't own Hetalia


Alfred walked back and forth as the small bowl on his head shifted from left to right. He walked on his hind legs, his other two arm...leg…limbs folded behind his back, giving him the look of a cat-man deep in thought.

Alright, so we all know the plan, right soldiers?


Fluffy, you create a distraction and follow through in sub-operation 'my lumps'.

Yes sir.

Russia cat, you follow me onto the roof and aid me in removing the ceiling glass. Then, lower me in so I can then follow through in stage two of Operation Gaylord.

Yes sir! Meow!

And one more thing- wait, where the hell…

America looked back and forth, noticing that only his American cat sat in front of him, a look of determination on his little feline face. Alfred scrunched up his own.

Where's commie-cat?

I dunno. But uh, can I use go the bush before we go?

What? Ok fine. Just be back here at o-800.


Just…just hurry up.

He then watched as his cat gave a weird salute and hurried off into the bushes. Alfred sighed and began to create more diagrams in the mud. He also did a triple check on the equipment in his mind. Did he have everything? All the ropes and pulleys? The garbage bag? It had already taken them half a day to get the bikini bathing suit, and they were losing daylight.

America looked up at the bushes and growled slightly.

Where are those two? They should be back here by now.

And as if on cue, Americat came hopping out of the bushes happily.

Ok. All done. Let's go.

Ok cool. First we need to find Russiacat though.

They both looked back at the bushes where something rustled around. Alfred tilted his head while Fluffy took a tentative step back.

Aw man, I hope it isn't ghosts-

D-don't even say that master! You're scaring me!

The two cats stuck close together as they slowly inched closer to the bush. Finally Alfred lifted up one paw and, after taking a breath, moved the branches away in order to reveal Russiacat.

Peeing on a bush.



Americat screeched and tackled Russiacat, who meowed and clawed at the others face. Alfred glared at the two as they hissed and fought over the bush.

seriously. Is THAT what you two have been doing? Peeing on a bu-


This is MY home kitten! Don't even-

Ok seriously you guys!

I KNEW it was you that kept remarking this spot! I claimed it already you DICK!

I had marked it LONG before you did child-


The two other cats stopped their fighting in order to look at Alfred, who glared at them.

You two can pee on this bush as much as you want later. But for now, I need to turn back into a human before I have a mental break down and whip everything within a ten mile radius.

But...you don't have a whip sir.

Alfred narrowed his eyes.

Do you honestly think that will stop me.

The two cats looked at one another, then back at Alfred before giving a slight nod. Russiacat raised his paw.

Alright, we will begin Operation Gaylord, however, I will not forget about this little one.

Yah, me neither fatty.

Well now that the peeing business is out of the way…

America looked towards the house and put on his aviator sunglasses.

Let's do this.


The two translators sat on the couch, drinking heavily while basically the rest of the secret service threw insults at each other.

The two had given up long ago translating the insults and had instead decided to stick with basic conversation in Mandarin (so the others couldn't understand).

"I don't know why we're even here. We searched this place up and down for America, but we can't find him here." Johnson sighed as he took another sip of his scotch. At least there was free alcohol.

"Yes, we could not find your country here either. As I told you before, we checked long ago when he first went missing. We are just as worried about him as you are," Johnson looked at Ivana as she coughed lightly, "Well, not as worried. I mean, now the likelihood of another oil spill has dropped significantly."

Johnson gave a strained smile as he adjusted his sunglasses.

"There's also less of a chance we'll keep trading with you our goods now." The Russian woman rolled her eyes and looked behind the couch. In the kitchen, three Americans were trying to get some more drinks while a few Russians were (trying) to cook some dinner (with an American telling them they were doing it wrong). In the living room two men fought while six others kept switching the channel from hockey to American football.

She rolled her head from side and side and stood up, causing the agent beside her to look up.

"What is it?"

"I want a cigarette." She mused, pulling a pack out of her back pocket. Johnson shrugged.

"I think you can smoke in here. I've seen Russia do it a lot." The Russian agent sighed.

"Yes but, you see, I only smoke after a good meal. Or after sex." She looked over at Johnson. Meanwhile, he had begun to check his emails. She waited as it took him a moment to look back at her.

"Hm? Sorry, what? I, uh, think you can get some good food down the street."

The woman narrowed her eyes.

"No, no I feel like I would rather do the later."

"Oh. Well uh. Ok then." He looked at her.

She looked at him.

Then gave herself a mental slap in the face.

"You really are like your country, aren't you?"

"How so."

"Here. I will show you." She reached down and grabbed his hand, dragging him out of the room as he stumbled behind her.

"Where are we going? Is it a surprise?"

"Oh, it's a surprise alright."

And just then the doorbell rang. And the Russian woman swore angrily before walking over to the door (and dragging the American behind her so he wouldn't get away).

She opened the door quickly and looked around, seeing nothing there.

"…Oh good. A prank. Just what we needed-"

"Is that a cat in a bathing suit?"

Both agents looked down to a fluffy American cat, one covered in white with a thick, brown fur around its neck. It wore a red and blue bikini and grabbed at one of the straps, looking up suggestively.

Ohh nooo, my top, its coming undone.


Meanwhile, Russiacat and America struggled to get to the center roof, that which was held over the main hallway.

Ok, you ready? Are the lines secure?

Yes. Everything seems in order. The question is, are you ready? I am not sure if the ropes will hold under your gargantuan weight.

Haha-shut up before I cut you.

Russiacat shrugged and sprawled onto his stomach, inching onto the glass window (the sun roof). Underneath Ivan was clearly seen talking to a few agents. They seemed to be arguing, however something from down the hall caught their attention, causing the agents to leave the scene. Ivan then stood there with his arms crossed, calling out something to them.

The Russian cat poked out one claw and carefully cut a circle in the glass, edging his way around until he then poked his other claw into the center of it, removing the cut out glass. Alfred adjusted his safety harness.

Dude, how sharp are your claws that they can cut glass?

Want to find out?

Sorry man. I don't do lovin before the big show.

With one last check on his equipment he gave Russiacat a thumbs up (which was more him sticking his paw in the air nazi style). He then grabbed the flowers and, after a final breath, jumped through the hole.

And for a moment he was in free fall, and it was terrifying and amazing at the same time. Everything slowed and sped up around him as he looked down at Ivan, who immediately stared up at him.

And then the garbage bag parachute kicked in, and he was floating through the air like a dove or-


A manly…

Floaty thing. Like a piece of dandruff.

And as a beautiful piece of dandruff he floated right on over to Ivan, who stared in amazement at his parachuting cat.

Who flew right into his arms.

Russia caught him with ease and looked down, absolutely speechless at the stunt his retarded cat had just pulled.

America smiled up at him and nodded, the sunflowers in his mouth bouncing along with his head movements.

Ivan looked around, as if to see if anyone else saw, then looked back at his cat. His mouth was dry and his voice in a small whisper as he brought the cat closer to him.

"Are those for me?"

America nodded.

"That is so sweet. I do not think…anyone has ever done something this sweet for me little one." Alfred blinked slowly and tried his best 'innocent/blushing bride' look.

What this? Please, you're embarrassing me.

Ivan chuckled and slowly petted the creature, then taking the sunflowers in order to smell them.

They were fresh, but how was that possible?

How could he have gotten them? In fact, how did he know to get them for him?

He chuckled.

"Perhaps you are not as stupid as you look."Alfred stretched, exposing his stomach in an attempt to bring back the mood.

I'm as cute as I look though.

The Russian then nuzzled his face into the warm fur, taking in a breath of how soft and fresh it was.

"Thank you. You are too kind little one. You have warmed me, deeply."

Alfred purred loudly.

It ain't nothin baby.

Now how's bout you give daddy some sugar?

(Just please, no tongue)

Ivan hugged the cat closer, pulling his face away only briefly in order to rub his nose against the other's. And then he leaned in closer to-

"IT IS WEARING MY BATHING SUIT!" Someone familiar screeched as Americat rounded the corner, the bottom of his bikini missing.

Alfred shook his head at the other, as if to tell him to 'GET THE HELL OUT I'M ABOUT TO SCORE!' but the panting cat could only shrug before running straight at them, an

Absolutely livid

Belarus behind him.

The clothed cat hid behind Russia, looking up at America with pleading eyes before looking down at himself and covering his exposed areas.

Oh nooo~ my pants came off-


"BELA NO! PLEASE!" Ivan cried as the woman lunged at the frightened feline.

In an attempt to stop his sister he dropped America, who landed on his feet and glared at the other cat.

I was so CLOSE man! What the HELL!

P-please don't be mad man! Just look at her-LOOK OUT!

Americat then pushed Alfred out of the way as the woman's knife came crashing down onto the floor.

Across the room a dozen or so secret agents followed behind. The Americans raised their badges.

"Everybody FREEZE! That cat is an AMERICAN citizen and is under OUR JURISDICTION-"

"Like HELL! That KAT haz stolen Russian property! It is under-"

"Belarussian property!"


And then the agents began to have an epic cat fight in the corridor.

But, less pulling hair. More pistol whipping.

Meanwhile, Russia held his sister's wrists as she struggled against him.

"Let me go brother! Please let me GO! That THING took my BATHING SUIT! It was supposed to be a surprise gift for YOU! For when he went to EUROPE TOGETHER-"

"But we're NOT going to Europe together!-"

"YOU ARE SO COLD! SO COLD BROTHER!" The woman screamed as she sobbed and violently shook against her sibling, trying desperately to get out of his grasp.

Alfred stood in front of his cat as the woman screamed and carried on. He looked back at Americat and gulped loudly.

I don't think Russia can hold her off much longer. I think we'll need to make a break for it.

But how! Sir there are dozens of special forces in the way! And-

Don't give up hope! Don't give up on me now soldier! Alfred kneeled down over his cat and placed his paw on his back. It's not over until it's over ok? We've been in plenty tight spots before! And this aint nothing compared to that!

B-but sir!

Belarus managed to pull one arm away, her cries of desperation getting louder. America looked back at Americat, who stared deeply into his eyes.

Hey…hey don't give me that look!

I just want to say sir, in case we don't make it-


But-but if we don't! Sir…being with you these past few hours. The cat blinked as a few small tears formed in his eyes. They've made me the happiest cat alive sir.

Alfred sniffed as he shook his head, his own eyes betraying him as the tears began to fall.

D-don't say that! Don't even think that we won't make it out of here!

And sir I, I've always…what I'm trying to say is that I've always lov-

The Belorussian woman finally tore away from Ivan, making a straight line towards the two cats while America could only stare up in horror.

And at the knife in her hand.

And before he could think, before he could even raise up his paws in self-defence a shadow came over him. A white, furry shadow that pushed him to the ground, its own body acting as a shield to his own. Alfred opened his mouth in terror as he realized what had happened.

Realized how he was saved.


The room fell silent as the other above him cringed, probably from the knife stabbing him in the back. Alfred could just imagine the warm blood oozing onto the floor. The once living being now nothing more than a corpse above him.

America sobbed as he wiped his tears away, his glare evident as he stared at the others.


Some of the agents looked away as others stared. A couple looked on in horror while another one just shook his head.

Alfred lowered his head, his tears freely flowing as he imagined the funeral for his cat.

His loving, sweet, innocent-

"Are those cats doing each other?"

Alfred's head shot up as he looked over at the secret service agent. He scrunched up his face.

What? No-

He then looked up at fluffy, who looked down at him (in a very alive like manner).

Alfred moved his head to the side in order to see that he was in a rather compromising position.

He looked back up at Belarus, who had actually frozen mid stab.

And Ivan who-


Uhhh….It's not…what it looks like-

"YOU WHORE!" Ivan yelled as he threw the flowers on the ground and came stomping up to-


And then he kicked Americat.

Right out the window

CALL Meeeee

He meowed before disappearing into the darkness. Alfred rolled over and looked back up at Russia.

Who was….um…well…

"You should learn that you cannot play two fields at once comrade. It seems I must teach you this, yes?"

Uh-uh- please! Let me explain-IVAN? IVAN!

Russia then picked up his cat and stomped out of the room, an eerily pleased expression on his face while the cat in his arms cried and screamed in terror.

The agents held onto one another in horror, one man crossing himself as they watched the Russian take the animal upstairs.

"God help that cat."


After a very painful day of playing 'pin the tail on the kitty' and being explained in graphic detail why cheating on others was bad-

Ivan using examples of the people who have cheated on him in the past, and what he did to them (showing Alfred via dolls and puppets. Which sounds nice but due to the content, Alfred was now scarred for life)

Alfred finally was allowed a moments peace.

Well not really. Since he had to now sleep beside Russia.

The Russian hummed happily as he thumbed through another page of Margret Atwood.

Yes. You did read that right.

Seriously dude? I thought you were into some serious literature. Next you'll be reading Twilight or Hush Hush-

Oh no I DIDN'T!

"Normally I do not read material that is targeted towards preteen North American girls, however, I decided it would be good for me to know more about my little lost sheep's mind set. And so I thought, what better than literature targeted towards young women!"

that hurt man.

"Hmmm, but it is not helping me to know where he is." Russia hummed, closing the book and placing it down on his night stand. He sighed and looked over at Alfred, who gave him a look.

What? Are you going to show me on my body where you 'burnt the regret back into France' again?

"To be very honest with you kitty, I am a little…afraid."

Alfred scoffed and pawed into the pillow beneath him.

Of your sister? Yah I know.

"It has been too long. At first I thought it was a prank of his, then I thought perhaps he decided to be irresponsible and take a break but now…I am worried. America, he has been gone for too long." Ivan looked away, "I fear the worst."

Alfred stopped kneading the fabric beneath him and instead looked up at Ivan, who had a very serious expression on his face. He shrugged and gave a small sigh, his large shoulders lowering.

"Do not get me wrong little one. I am not the biggest fan of the boy. He is very childish, and when I say he is immature that is an understatement. He is too headstrong, rash, irresponsible, rude, and plain irritating. And that is only to name a few things."

Ouch. Way to lay it on thick.

"And yet, I would be lying if I said I did not miss him," The large man picked up one end of his scarf and began to fiddle with the fabric, spinning it in and out, "He and I…we did something for each other. He was one of the few people that understood me."

Alfred tilted his head.

"You see, after the fall of the Soviet Union-no wait, that is a lie, even before then- people were afraid of me. They still are. As they should be. I have earned that fear. I have worked hard for it." He twisted his scarf tightly, "And yet, with fear comes loneliness little one. For who will stay close to that whom they fear?" He let go of his scarf and looked across the room.

"Sure, Serbia and I are friends, but he is still afraid. And Lithuania," He chuckled, "Lithuania is not my friend. He is my old, broken toy. My sisters…they love me, and yet they are frightened. I have given them reason to fear me. The things I did to Belarus…oh, but the things I did to Ukraine."

Half of his face was covered in shadows as he reminisced on his eldest sister. How he had to teach her a lesson.

Alfred looked down as he thought of his own family.

How Matthew never really looked at him the same way after 1812. After he forced his way in.

Or after he refused to let go of his nuclear weapons.

And Arthur?


"And yet, America," Alfred looked up, "He…he was never afraid of me. Which was strange because he should have been. Well, I guess that is not the correct way of saying it. He was afraid of me, especially during the cold war. I was also afraid of him. And yet, it was not like the fear of the others. It wasn't like the fear of Lithuania and how he could not look me in the eye, or the fear of Britain; how he would stand against me while shaking in his boots. This fear America had, it strengthened him. It was as if, as if he fed off of it. Like it motivated him. Because when I looked into that boys eyes, he would look right back. In fact, he would step forward, as if edging me on. Even in his fear he refused to let it take him over.

If anything, the fear was…fun."

America thought back on the times during WW1, or WW2. But especially the cold war. How it was just the two of them on the playing field. Sure, Ivan had his union but it was really about him and Alfred.

The arch rivals.

"And in that fear and hatred for each other there was a kind of understanding, almost like a friendship. Does this make sense to you little one? Because even though I loathed him beyond everything else, and I would imagine what it would be like to smear his image off of the map, I also didn't want to see him die. I didn't want him to go. Because then who would challenge me? Who would be my equal playing partner? Chess is no fun if no one else wants to play with you.

And so that is what him and I would do. Even in this time, after the cold war. We play this…game with one another. He calls me a terrorist and I call him a woman and we laugh and hit each other, but at the end of the day we…we understand this odd relationship. Because in the end it's about attention. He…he gives me attention."

America looked back at Ivan, who smiled now. He looked fondly at Alfred.

"On my birthday, every year I will always get something from him, without fail. Even in the very beginning, my first birthday after the fall. He sent me a present. Sure, they are always presents that are insults. He will send lumps of coal or dirt, but inside of it, the heart of the present, it's the fact that he gave it to me. Because the worst thing to do to someone is not to insult them, but to ignore them. And kitty, he never ignores me. Not once."

Alfred coughed lightly. Ivan chuckled and picked him up, holding the small thing in his lap.

"And it is not just on my birthday. All year round. We will email each other and text each other insults. And when I see him at meetings, I always rile him up. He always tries to hit me. Sometimes I let him," Ivan smiled warmly, "Because we both understand kitty that it is better than being alone. But now…" His smile faded as he looked off to the side, "Now I believe he is gone. I have…I have seen countries die before. I always thought he was too strong for that but now, now I am not sure. What if he is gone? Then who will…" He didn't finish, just lowered his head as he went into his own thoughts.

Alfred meowed softly and batted at Ivan's hair.

Hey man, don't say that. It's ok. I'm right here. See? Don't make that face dude…come on.

He was really taken aback though when the other let out a small sob, his face still hidden from his hair as his shoulders shook lightly.

"I am worried," He whispered, his voice barely audible as it quivered, "Because I know what they do to our kind little one. I know what they do to us. And Alfred is so young," His grip on the cat tightened as America looked up to see the small tears fall like rain onto his face, "Just like me. I was so young too. And they broke me. And I never got better. I n-never left that place. To this day. And I worry because even though he is a foolish boy- he is still just a boy. He doesn't need to know what it's like. H-how cold and wet and…" His body shook as he bit his lip, his mouth not daring to let out what his heart felt. What his mind remembered. So he instead shook his head, a chocked sound coming from his throat, "I was so y-young…he's s-so young…"

Alfred reached up with his paw and lightly touched Ivan's face, causing the large man to flinch at the feeling.

He cooed and purred softly, his small paws trying to dab away the other's tears.

It's ok. I'm here. And I'm safe. I'm with you. And even though this hasn't been the best time, I mean, you haven't done any real damage man. I'm not…I'm still ok. I'm still me. I haven't changed. They haven't changed me man.

Ivan sniffed and quickly rubbed his eyes, a soft chuckle escaping his lips as he hiccupped.

"I am sorry. That was…I should not have said that in front of you."

It's fine. I know you…don't really talk about your childhood. But it's good to talk about it. Abuse should never be silenced.

The Russian then tried to laugh it off as he wiped away more tears.

"Oh, just look at me! Like girl who has just lost virginity to drunk boyfriend."

not the best analogy at the moment man. But I'll let it slide.

Ivan laughed lightly and looked down at Alfred, the smile back on his face.

The genuine one.

"Thank you little one. For so much."

Alfred purred.

It's fine. Anything for a friend.

"You are too kind. But also a little dumb," He laughed, "You remind me of him."

I sure as hell hope so.

Ivan chuckled again, and then stared down warmly at Alfred, his eyes dried, his shaking nerves calmed. He breathed out slowly and lowered his face, rubbing it softly against the cat before pulling away.

Alfred purred and stretched his neck up in order to give Ivan a small lick beside his lips.

As an act of comfort. And warmth. And an expression of 'no, you're not alone'.

And Ivan leaned back down and gave the softest of kisses to the small creature, making sure not to startle it or scare it away.

Alfred purred again and snuggled into the kiss, causing Ivan to pull away giggling.

And then-

And then this feeling deep in America's stomach started to grow.

Like the smallest of sparks.

That began to flame.

And it kept building and building against him and he held his breath before he could feel something coming.

Like he was changing.

His eyes widened as he took in a breath, his body expanding and his little paws shaking as he

Burped right in Ivan's face.

They both stared at each other.

sorry. Must be the tacos.

And they stared.

Before Ivan let out a giggle.

And Alfred let out a snort.

And they both began to laugh until they were crying, but for a good reason.

And Alfred was enjoying himself until he realised that he had not just turned into a human.

And was still a cat.

And had let Ivan kiss him.



Americat and Russiacat sat outside the window, watching as their two masters laughed.

Well, until America then spazzed for some reason, causing Russia to laugh harder and pull him into a death hug.

Russiacat sighed.

It seems that Operation: Gaylord was a failure

Aw man! And I wore a woman's bikini and everything! All for nothing!

Well, I am out of ideas comrade. Perhaps we should simply let the spell wear off?

Aw HELLZ NAW! We are going to save him no matter WHAT!

They both stared back inside, where Alfred howled in pain as Ivan held him in a full nelson.

No matter what.


Was that ok? I hope I put in the right amount of 'funny and serious'. It know it was kind of a mood swing chapter but…yah.

As for the 'they' that hurt Ivan, that's up to you. Was it people? Is he referring to other nations? You decide man.

And did anyone recognise Agents Johnson and Ivana? They're from my other story.

There you go. I love you. Review and I will love you more.

Anyone get the glob reference? Anyone? Anyone? Buller?