A new (although it's pretty old, I started it in 08) mockfic from your Legendary Legacy. Though actually, this one feels more like a rantfic. ...Honestly, you could probably go full-tilt and say I'm just trolling people with this one. It definitely comes off as more mean-spirited than the majority of my works, which is what kept me from posting it for so long. But with my lack of updates in general, I figure I should post something to let people know I'm not dead yet. I fine-tuned a few things, but it may still feel a bit outdated in certain parts, which I can only ask you to forgive me for.
Who knows, maybe some people will still like it.
The Thin Line Between… (It Shouldn't Be This Thin!)
A Naruto Crack-Parings and OoC/Character Bashing Mock(Rant)fic
By Legendary Legacy
Standard Disclaimer: Naruto and all it's characters and settings belong to Masashi Kishimoto and whomever he's given the rights to. The bad plotlines herein are used by many, and I'm a big jerk who's making fun of them because I think I'm better than you.
Mockfic Disclaimer: Anyone who doesn't like the idea of me making fun of a (in my opinion) stupid or overused theme or plotline that you, for whatever reason, enjoy reading, I suggest saving yourself a few precious minutes of your own time by clicking the 'Back' button right now. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Enjoy. Or don't. You probably won't, but here's hoping.
It was a warm and seemingly insignificant night in Konoha; a cloudless sky filled with a billion twinkling stars and a moon so full and bright that the streetlights around the village weren't even necessary. It was a night where everyone should be at peace, enjoying the serenity of the atmosphere, or if they were lucky, sharing the beauteous time with a loved one. A perfect night for romance to be certain.
The whole thing made Sakura want to kick something.
It had been nearly two years since both of her teammates had left the village, one a traitor, the other to train to get stronger in order to bring the traitor back.
And God, how she missed that traitor.
She had done her best to be strong, to move on and forget all about him. She gave up on that after the first week, chalking it up as a lost cause. Then she told herself to be patient until Naruto got back. But that could still be a long time off, and by then she might have actually decided to...move...on?
She shook her head. What other choices were there? She had to do something soon or she was going to fall into a depression-induced coma.
Then an idea hit her, and her eyes lit up. It was an idea so utterly stupid and dangerous that there was absolutely no way it could end in anything other than complete and total success!
She would just go and find Sasuke and bring him back herself! Never mind the fact that Naruto had failed to do the exact same thing two years ago. Or the fact that leaving the village without telling anyone or getting proper permission from the Hokage could, in turn, label her a missing-nin as well. Or the fact that if something unforeseen happened, like getting kidnapped by enemy shinobi for instance, no one would know about it in order to come save her.
Why hadn't she thought of it months ago?
"How about laying it on a little thicker?" Sakura grumbled, showing complete disregard for the story and breaking the fourth wall without the author's permission.
So it was settled: She would leave this very night to find her Sasuke, guided only by the power of love; since, of course, she had no earthly idea of where Sasuke actually was or how to even begin tracking him down without wandering about aimlessly from place to place while-
"Would you get on with it!"
xx Getting on with it xx
It was about two days later, and Sakura was one unhappy kunoichi.
She probably would have been vocalizing her anger if not for the gag in her mouth. She probably would have been flailing her arms about and punching random objects if not for the ropes that bound them tightly behind her back. And she probably would not be traveling in the direction that she currently was if not for the fact that she was being carried.
But since these were all the case, she just hung limply from the broad, blue-skinned shoulder of Kisame as he and his Akatsuki partner, the infamous Uchiha Itachi, silently entered their hidden lair deep within the River Country.
Damn Agency, Sakura mused silently. If I had known that this angsty-romance crap was basically all I'd be given to work with in my free time, I'd have let someone else take the part right from the beginning. Stupid contract clause saying we don't get any say in what fan-scripts we get written into. Stupid agency staff not running an even halfway decent screening process to filter out the absolutely shitty ones. I should just untie myself and walk off. No more crappy fan-scripts, no more standing around holding a kunai while everyone else does stuff. I'll bet no one would even know what to do about it if I did. That would feel great; a nice, big 'Kiss My Ass' to all those bash-script writers who can't control their own hatred for what is essentially nothing more than a cartoon character. ...Of course, the last time Naruto tried something like that he ended up on the bad end of a Shikima's-
The girl's out-of-character tirade was thankfully cut off when the fish-man hauled her into a small room and, treating her like an everyday sack of potatoes, flung her down onto a bed in the corner. Without further ado, he exited the room, leaving Sakura alone with Itachi.
Itachi stalked toward her like the red-eyed predator that he was. "Well now. Haruno Sakura, female teammate of my foolish little brother and Uzumaki Naruto; who would have ever guessed that fate would have us meet in such a way?"
Anyone who's ever read a fanscript with the words ItaXSaku in the summary that didn't turn out to be a high school or AU story, Sakura wasn't able to say due to the gag, which was fortunate because the author was getting downright pissed at her lack of cooperation as it was.
"But what a perfect opportunity this is," Itachi went on. "With you here, I can just wait for Naruto to come looking for you and capture him then." He leaned down closer, lowering his voice to a whisper. "And of course, since he won't find out for a few months at least, that will give the two of us plenty of time to get to know one another."
Sakura gave him a muffled response.
"Pardon?" he asked, pulling the gag out of her mouth.
"I said, 'You're a fucking idiot'!" she spat.
"That hurts my feelings," Itachi said with absolutely no feeling at all. "Why would you say such a thing?"
"You're the same guy who killed yours and Sasuke-kun's entire clan in cold blood-"
"That's actually been retconed to make the clan the traitors and me a hero." he explained calmly.
"Yeah, but this is still during the time-skip before we learned all that, remember?"
"...Indeed, my apologies. Please continue."
The author's eye twitched.
"Then you tortured Sasuke by making him watch the massacre over and over again, turning him into a cold-hearted avenger who doesn't care about anything else but killing you. You're also the guy who's trying to capture and kill Naruto for your own selfish reasons. So why in the HELL would you think I was interested in 'getting to know you' after all you've done to my teammates?"
"Because I'm bishonen," he replied lightly.
"What more do you want?"
"I don't know; something a bit more...meaningful maybe?"
"What about the fact that I'm pretty much everything you love about my foolish little brother Sasuke, with the added bonus of being darker, older and more experienced in everything that matters?"
"...Okay, yeah well...there's that, I guess. But let's not forget the whole evil, clan-killing, traumatizing and hunting my teammates bit."
"I wouldn't worry. My level of bishonen-ness is high enough to pretty much overshadow all negative aspects of my character."
"And you don't think that a stable relationship ought to be built on something a little firmer than just physical attractiveness and how cute the two of us might look together?"
"Not according to popular consensus," Itachi answered with a shrug. "Though to be honest, my personality really doesn't work well when dealing with romance in the first place. Trying to give me a meaningful relationship with anyone that involved deep character growth, budding feelings of warmth and caring, or an overall sense of love for another person is nearly impossible without making me very Out of Character. I imagine that's why so many writers in the Adult Section just make me a rapist or one who would use his Mangekyo to hypnotize someone into his mindless love slave. It's all...rather degrading, to be perfectly honest."
"Preaching to the choir, stud," Sakura assured him, finally managing to free her hands from their bindings. She sat up and rested her chin in her palms. "I mean, honestly, the whole rapist thing aside, you get off pretty easy around here. You're hot and broody so women love you, and you're a stoic badass so guys respect you. But me? Well Hell, when's the last time you were in a fanscript solely devoted to brutally killing you? Or forcing you to act like you're PMSing and going through menopause at the same time? Or having everyone and Akamaru berate you endlessly until you're little more than a broken down, barely recognizable wreck?"
At this point, the author simply threw up its hands and walked away from the set.
Itachi shucked his cloak off and sat down next to Sakura. He prided himself on always being professional during these fanscripts, no matter how unprofessional the creators of said scripts might be; but damnit, even he had to get things off his chest now and then!
"You have my sympathies for that," he told her. "But surely you knew what you were going to be in for when you took the part of the series tsundere in the first place, right?"
Sakura growled. "I was young. They told me I could be a main character. I didn't really bother considering the consequences of the role. And I damn sure didn't think that I'd be churning out dozens and dozens of fanscript roles every single day!"
"Mm. Well, if it makes you feel any better, being me isn't all a bed of roses, either. Sure, I at least usually die with some dignity if I get killed off, unless I'm being used as the meter-stick to show how awesome Uzumaki Naruto is in that particular script; and when it's not Orochimaru, it's usually me. But I've had my share of being reduced to one-dimensional blind and pocky gags, too. And I'm the only male character I know that's consistently paired up romantically with every other member of Akatsuki. Just to put that in perspective, that's me paired up with a fish-man, a plant-man, a living puppet, a zombie…"
Sakura placed a supportive hand on his shoulder.
He shook his head. "And don't even get me started on the incest. Just be glad that you don't have any on-screen family, because I can't even count the number of times I've been in physical relationships with my own little brother."
"Yeah, that's...that's pretty disgusting, right there," Sakura agreed, discreetly wiping the stray droplet of blood from her nose. Then she sighed. "Sometimes I don't think it was worth it. Being a part of something so famous is great and some of the stuff I get to be involved in is really great too, but for the most part…. Not to mention we're stuck doing it indefinitely or until everyone gets bored with us, whichever comes first."
Itachi nodded. "And it's not as though we can simply quit. As I recall, the last time Uzumaki Naruto tried that, he ended up on the bad end of a Shikima's-"
Deidara suddenly burst through the closed door. "Hey guys, I accidentally overslept, un. Are we at the love triangle portion of the script yet?"
"No, Deidara, this is still scene two. You don't show up for two more scenes," Itachi informed him.
"Ah, alright. Sorry about that. Call me when I'm needed then, un."
Sakura shook her head as the blonde man left.
"I'm sure things will turn around," Itachi said comfortingly.
"Yeah," she agreed weakly. "And honestly, I'm already feeling better than I was. Thanks for listening to me, Itachi-kun."
The Uchiha smiled. "Likewise, Sakura-chan. It really feels good to be able to share my troubles with someone who can understand me."
Sakura returned the smile, unconsciously leaning toward the older boy. "Yeah, I guess…we're not so different after all."
"Indeed," Itachi whispered, leaning in as well.
With their lips a hair's breadth apart, the door flew open.
"Hey, are we up to the fucking orgy scene yet?" Hidan asked.
"That's scene six, Hidan," Itachi informed him.
"Oh, damnit. Well, don't forget to call me for it, you pricks!" He left.
"Where were we?" Sakura asked, as they picked up where they left off.
Offscreen, the author grumbled. This ad-libbing during scenes needed to stop. They weren't even supposed to be making out for the first time until scene three.
Just to clarify, 'The Agency' is a throwback to my very first mockfic, "The Way Things Are Now". I referenced it a second time in the mockfic "A Not-So-High-School Experience", which is also where the 'Naruto ending up on the bad end of a Shikima's...' brick joke comes from.
Hope you liked it. If you didn't, I can't really blame you.
Until I post again.