A/N: A really daft Smutfic story using lots of very silly names and terms. To be read with a broad mind, a good sense of humour and not to be taken seriously! Both GS and I have had a scream writing our stories, so I hope that you enjoy them.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or Doc Martin, unfortunately. But I've had an awful lot of fun playing with them for a short while!

Rating: M


An Unsexessful Evening… Or Two!



Louisa stroked the rather impressive bulge protruding from Martin's boxer briefs.

"Oh, Louisa, I've got to get these bloody things off," Martin groaned, as his love muscle rubbed painfully against the rather rough material of his underwear.

Louisa obliged by peeling away the last remaining barrier between their two hot and glistening bodies, and as she did so, Louisa gasped,

"Oh, My God, Martin… it's huge!"

It was the first time that they had made love and whilst Louisa had fantasised about the size of his manhood, she wasn't at all prepared for the large throbbing beast that now stood proudly, only a few feet away from her. It seemed to be regarding her like a magnificent swaying python.

"Um… well, I've never really thought about it before," stuttered Martin, as he glanced down between his legs, rather embarrassed by Louisa's bluntness.

Looking at it more closely, she declared, "I don't think it's going to fit, Martin."

With a look of complete horror on his face he said, "Well, let's give it a try, shall we?" There was no way that he was going to give up without a damn good attempt. He was going to have to get some relief now for his rock hard pulsating erection, and he'd dreamed of making love to Louisa for what seemed like an eternity.

They lay on the bed together, hands exploring every inch of each other's bodies. He reached for her pert little puppies and kneaded them gently like two dollops of dough. Martin reached down and found the warm moist entrance of her pleasure gate. He let his fingers wander in slowly, teasingly. His tongue and large fleshy lips now replaced his fingers as he brought Louisa to the edge of ecstasy.

"Oh, Martin, you feel so good, I want you so very much, I want you now… I NEED YOU INSIDE ME NOW," Louisa moaned loudly, as she grabbed his ears and started to forcibly pull him back up towards her.

Not needing any further encouragement, Martin parted Louisa's legs and positioned himself for optimal penetration. After several minutes of unsuccessful fumbling, he said in an exasperated tone,

"For God's sake, it's not going in."

"Here. Let me try," she said as she grabbed hold of his ding-dong in order to try and guide him into her.

"I told you it wouldn't fit," gasped Louisa in desperation after several unsuccessful attempts. "I've got some Vaseline in that drawer," she said, as she gestured towards the bedside table.

"Oh, um, yes, that should work," said Martin, rather relieved that she wasn't giving up just yet.

After applying a large quantity of the slimy sticky substance to their private parts, they decided to try again.

Martin's dick felt like a large oily dipstick and he went to the bathroom to clean off the unpleasant substance from his hands. As he returned, he felt sure that there was a look of dread on Louisa's face as he strode back towards her, his hunk of burning love swaying and bobbing as if waving at her.

"There, now then, where were we?" asked Martin, already reaching for her once again.

This time he pulled her hips towards him, and after a little pushing and prodding, he slid into her tunnel of love with comparative ease.

"All aboard the love train, next stop paradise," he sniggered.

"Oh, Martin, you're amazing, give it to me big boy… give it to me right now," purred Louisa as he started to thrust, slowly and rhythmically.

They revelled in the feel of each other; their bodies and minds were being swept along on a tide of raw emotion and tingling sensations.

"Louisa, I don't think I can carry on for very much longer," Martin gasped.

"I know, Martin, this is amazing, I'm coming too, and do it harder, harder, pleeeeaaase…"rasped Louisa."Yes, yesss, yessssss, ohhhhhhhhhhhh yessssssssss, Martin."

"No, no… oh bugger no, I've got cramp in my foot," cried Martin as he quickly withdrew from Louisa, leaving her on the verge of her climax but regrettably not fully satisfied.

She laid there, the Vaseline now smearing her stomach and thighs and watched as Martin hopped around the room in obvious discomfort.

When it became clear that he wasn't going to be getting into bed anytime soon, Louisa decided to get up and clean herself in the bathroom.

"Oh, shit, there's Vaseline all over my sheets," she grumbled.

"Err, um, sorry Louisa. Could you just grab hold of my foot please and bend it forwards," pleaded Martin as he lay on the floor, desperately trying anything to make the pain that had spread to his calf disappear.

Louisa grabbed his foot and pushed forward on it roughly.

"Oww, not quite so hard, Louisa," grimaced Martin, who was feeling rather exposed and actually very inadequate as his now flaccid magic wand was looking anything but magical!

Louisa dropped his foot, and after giving him a rather disgruntled look, she headed for the bathroom.

The pain having dissipated, Martin went to join Louisa. She had just begun to run a shower, as she thought that was probably the best way to get rid of the awful sticky mess that covered her.

"Better now, Martin?" she asked.

"Yes, yes, fine. No pain now," he replied.

"Err, do you want to try again after you've freshened up?" he asked hopefully.

"Why don't you join me in the shower? I think it could be fun getting clean again, don't you?" teased Louisa.

Louisa grabbed hold of his love truncheon, which was once again standing proudly, ready for some hot Louisa action, and led him towards the shower.

"I like it when you are masterful, Louisa," said Martin huskily.

"Have you been a naughty boy today, Martin Ellingham? Am I going to have to spank your plumptious little bottom?" teased Louisa.

"Bloody hell, Louisa, yes, I have been naughty, really very naughty. Are you going to punish me?" Martin gasped, loving the idea of this particular little game.

When they reached the shower, they stepped inside and Louisa turned him to face the shower wall.

"I need you to bend over Martin; naughty boys have to be disciplined," she said in her strictest headmistress's voice.

"Oh, punish me, Louisa, spank me, spank me," begged Martin.

Louisa slapped his bottom cheeks until they were red and tingling.

"Are you going to be a good boy now, Martin? Are you going to do what your teacher says?"

"Ohhhhh yesssss, Miss, I will."

He turned around and his lips captured hers in a kiss that was wild and furious. His tongue swirled around her mouth before licking the edges of her lips.

Louisa reached up and turned on the shower. She stepped back to avoid the cascade of water, but unfortunately Martin was right below it as the icy droplets fell ever more rapidly down his front.

"Jesus Christ, that's bloody cold," he yelled as he promptly leaped backwards and hit the wall of the shower behind him. Martin let out a shriek as his back and buttocks slammed against the freezing ceramic tiles. Slowly the water temperature started to rise.

"Oh, dear," said Louisa, who was looking down towards Martin's droopy todger. "Cold showers really do work then."

Martin quickly closed the gap between him and Louisa and took her in his arms once again. He reached behind her and took hold of her peachy little bottom. He raised her up and she obliged by wrapping her legs around his waist.

"You are so strong, Martin, so big and so very, very strong," Louisa purred into his ear. "Give it to me now, Martin, I want it, I need it, GIVE IT TO ME."

Their bodies were now drenched and Martin struggled to see out of his water-soaked eyes, yet he still made every effort to slip his love rod into her panty hamster.

Before long, Louisa was impaled on Martin's custard canon. His hips began to thrust back and forth with wanton abandonment.

Louisa wasn't heavy by any means, but the water was beginning to make it extremely hard for Martin to keep hold of her legs, which kept slipping down the sides of his thighs.

"This isn't working either," he barked, now desperate to be relieved of his precious load.

"Oh, for God's sake, Martin, all I want you to do is give me a damn good seeing to. Is that too much to ask?" yelled Louisa as she pounded her fists against his chest in desperation.

"I'm sorry, Louisa," said Martin as he pulled her into him and wrapped his long arms around her.

Reluctantly they both got out of the shower, and after wrapping each other in a towel, they headed back towards Louisa's bed.

"Maybe we should just forget it for tonight, Martin; whatdo you think?" asked Louisa, the disappointment evident in her voice.

Martin pulled back the sheets of her bed and immediately spotted the large greasy mark of the Vaseline.

"Err, maybe you're right," he replied and quickly threw the duvet back across the bed, hoping that Louisa hadn't been reminded of their earlier disastrous love-making attempt.

After gathering up his clothes, Martin quickly dressed and made his way down stairs. Louisa joined him at the door in her dressing gown. Martin opened the door and turned to give Louisa one last parting kiss. He then walked through the door and out into the lane.

"Goodnight, big boy," shouted Louisa as Martin strode purposefully up the road.

Martin turned only to see a large group of girls walking past Louisa's house sniggering and pointing in his direction.

"Hey, Doc, gonna let us have a look then, are you?" screeched one girl.

"I bet he's hung like a donkey," sniggered another one.

"Oh, God," Martin mumbled as he broke into a run in order to reach the sanctuary of the surgery.

"Mind you don't trip over it now, Doc," shouted another.

Martin reached his house and slumped against the door as he slammed it shut. All he'd wanted to do was make love to Louisa, but he couldn't even do that right.

He hung his head as he recalled the events of the evening and then slowly climbed the stairs to his empty bed.

~ x ~

The following day, Martin tried to carry on as normal, attempting to block out the memories of his previous night with Louisa. Pauline had been her usual ten minutes late and had rushed past Martin and through to the kitchen to make herself a coffee. Martin was quite glad. At least she didn't get the chance to look him in the eye and see how exhausted he must have looked after his lonely, restless night.

Martin took his coffee cup through to his consulting room and slumped down in his seat. All he could think about was how disappointed Louisa had been. As he recalled, the evening had started out well. She had been seemingly impressed by the size of his didgeridoo and definitely wanted him to give her a good seeing to.

The very thought of Louisa, naked in her bed waiting for him to penetrate her, to ram his rock-hard pleasure stick into her pussy palace was enough to provoke a stirring in his loins.

The surgery door slammed shut following the arrival of his first patient, and Martin quickly banished the thoughts of Louisa from his head so that he could at least attempt to act in a professional manner.

After several irritating patients came and went, he was starting to think that his day couldn't possibly get any worse… that was, until Mrs Tishell walked in.

"Morning, Doctor. I wonder if I could discuss a… personal problem with you?" she enquired.

"Hmm, yes, sit down, Mrs Tishell," Martin replied, gesturing towards the chair.

"I don't really know how to say this…" said Mrs Tishell, who then sat in silence staring at Martin like a startled rabbit.

"Opening your mouth is usually the best way," said Martin rudely.

"Oh, yes, um, well it's my husband. He's coming home for the weekend and I, well I, I just don't want to have sex with him, and I know he'll want to drag me up the stairs as soon as he walks through the door. He's insatiable when he gets started. The things he asks me to do."

Martin just sat there, his ears turning a remarkable shade of crimson.

"Speak to marriage guidance… NEXT!" he shouted.

But before Mrs Tishell could get up and leave the room, Martin's phone rang.

"Pauline, PAULINE, will you pick that up?" shouted Martin, and then glaring across at Mrs Tishell, he said, "And you are still sitting there because…?"

Becoming rather irritated by the sound of the phone, Martin took the call on speakerphone.


"Hello, Mr Lover Man; how are you this morning? I hope your hairy bagpipes are ready for some squeezing tonight. I want us to make sweet music together," purred Louisa.

Martin looked over at Mrs Tishell, who was starting to turn a very peculiar shade of green.

"Erm, just a minute, Louisa, I'm with a patient," stuttered Martin.

"Alright, big boy, I'll just wait on the line for a minute until you're finished. I'm as horny as hell this morning and I need to tell you exactly what I'm doing right now," she teased.

Martin slammed his finger down on the privacy button and quickly gestured for Mrs Tishell to leave.

When she showed no signs of budging Martin stood up and walked towards her. Mrs Tishell's eyes were quickly drawn to the unusually large bulge in Martin's trousers.

Martin looked down and realised that he had a huge stiffy. He grabbed Mrs Tishell's medical notes and placed them over his groin. He then grabbed Mrs Tishell's arm and roughly dragged her towards the door. After ushering her out, he told Pauline that he didn't want to be disturbed for the next five minutes, as he had a very important call to take.

He threw Mrs Tishell's notes across to Pauline's desk and then slammed his door shut.

Quickly he picked up his phone and sat down at his desk.

"Louisa, I'm sorry about last night," he said.

"Oh, Martin, it's alright. I've been thinking about you all morning and I've been getting very excited. I've already had to change my panties three times."

"Oh, God," Martin mumbled as he reached for his throbbing shaft through the material of his trousers.

"Tell me what you've been thinking, Louisa," he whispered huskily.

"I've been thinking about what I want to do to your jive sausage and what I want it to do to my sausage wallet."

"What are you going to do, Louisa?" asked Martin as he started to rub himself harder.

"First I'm going to caress it, very, very slowly. Then I'm going to lick it like a great big nobbly bobbly. I luuurve nobbly bobbly ice lollies; I could suck on one all day long," sighed Louisa.

Martin just gulped as an image of Louisa, servicing his todger sprung into his mind.

"Next I'll take it into my mouth, I'll swirl my tongue around your silky shaft, I'll lick the tip very slowly, and then I'll suck you, up and down, up and down."

By now Martin was breathing very heavily down the receiver. His hand had found its way inside his trousers, and he was pleasuring himself whilst imagining the feel of Louisa's warm, moist mouth around his beaver cleaver.

Martin was pretty good at cranking the shank. He'd had plenty of practice during the lonely years without female company; of course he'd never admit it to anybody, least of all Louisa. His rasping breathing got heavier and Louisa said,

"Martin, are you doing a battle with your purple helmeted warrior of love?"

"No, no, um it's just getting a bit hot in here, that's all," Martin lied.

"It's all right, Martin, I don't mind; in fact it's quite flattering to know that I make you so horny. I'm doing the same thing myself, I have my fingers right up my…"

"Good God, Louisa, I've got to go," said Martin as he quickly grabbed some sheets of paper to cover his erection.

"Okay, Martin, but I'm looking forward to tonight… missing you already," purred Louisa before hanging up.

Martin ran to the door and swung it open. His waiting room was full and everyone turned to look in his direction.

Still holding the papers over his front, he dashed to the stairs.

"I'll be back down in a few minutes; just talk amongst yourselves," he said in an almost strangled voice.

After relieving himself of his load in the bathroom, Martin cleaned up and washed his hands thoroughly. He looked at himself in the mirror and straightened his tie.

Tonight would be more successful, he was sure of that now, and so with a renewed sense of confidence, he bounded down the stairs back into the waiting room.


~ x ~

Later that day, Martin had changed out of his work suit into… another suit, and whilst he was doing up his tie, he reflected on the conversation that he had with Louisa that afternoon on the phone.

He had never really engaged in phone sex with anyone before. Well, there was the one time when he'd decided to ring one of the sex lines, but the woman on the other end had got rather prickly and upset when he'd suggested that she should make an appointment with her GP immediately, as her deep, husky voice indicated that there was a strong possibility that she could have throat cancer.

However, with Louisa it had been so exciting, so naughty and it had really turned him on. He wanted nothing more than to dash to Louisa's cottage, rip her clothes off and jump her bones, but tonight he thought it would be better if they took things easy, if they could try and make the experience a romantic one.

After grabbing his wallet, he made his way down to the car. He'd made a reservation earlier that afternoon at a nice little pub he'd stumbled across on Bodmin Moor, and Louisa had seemed thrilled that he was finally making a romantic gesture.

He pulled up outside her cottage and noticed that she was looking out of the window, waiting for him. A warm fuzzy feeling ran through his body as he smiled to himself, liking the idea that she was so keen to be with him.

Louisa stepped out of the cottage door and locked it behind her. Martin had already opened the passenger door and she slipped into the seat.

"Good evening, Martin."

"Louisa," Martin replied, rather stiffly.

After an excruciating silence that Louisa found hard to bear, she said, "So, you've been to this Jamaica Inn before then?"

"Err, not exactly but I did stumble across it the other day when I was… well, when I got lost on Bodmin Moor," said Martin as he cleared his throat.

Although the pub was only about 25 miles from Portwenn, it would take them around an hour to get there because of the roads. Martin had put one of his classical compilation CD's into the player and Louisa was now happily humming along to 'd travelled for about 30 minutes when Martin's car suddenly started to make a very strange grinding noise.

"Oh, shit," cried Martin as he steered the Lexus as far to the left of the road as he could. He stopped the car and got out to assess the situation. He lifted the bonnet of the car and quickly jumped back as a huge plume of smoke escaped from the engine.

After returning to the car, he reached across Louisa and into the glove compartment for his mobile phone.

"For God's sake, there's no bloody signal up here," he shouted, slamming his phone down onto the dashboard.

"Here, I'll try mine; sometimes it works up here."

After several attempts, Louisa just looked across at Martin and shrugged her shoulders.

"What can we do now? It's too dark to walk anywhere and in any case, we're miles from civilisation," sighed Louisa.

"If you can call anywhere in this God-forsaken place civilised," replied Martin angrily.

Louisa placed her hand on Martin's thigh and said, "Calm down, Martin. There's nothing we can do about this, so we might as well… just make the most of the situation."

Martin knew exactly what Louisa meant by that and he could feel her hand slowly making its way up towards his groin.

"This probably isn't such a good idea, Louisa; it is rather cold tonight," said Martin, nervously.

He remembered how Louisa had made a comment about his floppy todger when he'd been caught by the cold water of her shower, and he certainly didn't want to be a disappointment to her for a second night on the trot.

"What could be more romantic than a secret tryst on windswept Bodmin Moor," Louisa purred, as she started to undo the button on his trousers and slowly pulled down his fly.

Martin closed his eyes and let his head fall back onto the headrest as she slipped her hand under the elastic of his boxers.

"Oh, your trouser snake never fails to impress, does it?" said Louisa as she enjoyed the feel of it in her hand.

"Um, well, you have this effect on me, Louisa. Every time you touch me I just want to rip your clothes off, I want to do unspeakable things to you. It's not at all like me but I just can't help myself."

"Martin Ellingham, you really are a dark horse, aren't you?"

Martin could bear it no longer; he leaned across and cupped Louisa's face in his large hands. He kissed her firmly before trailing sensuous kisses along her jaw line and down her neck.

He flicked a switch on the seat and Louisa found herself very quickly lying virtually flat in the car seat.

"Ouch, Martin," groaned Louisa, grabbing the back of her neck. "That was a bit sudden. Did you have that particular feature custom fitted?" she asked tetchily.

"Oh, um, sorry, Louisa, I've never actually had cause to use that before," apologised Martin.

"Glad to hear it. Well, are you going to join me over here then?"

"Oh, yes, I… err, not sure how… um, this is a bit awkward," stuttered Martin as he tried to manoeuvre his large frame across from his seat to Louisa's without getting the gear stick stuck up his arse.

He finally managed it, but then found himself lying on top of Louisa, who looked decidedly uncomfortable.

"Martin," gasped Louisa, "you're squashing me."

"Sorry, sorry, I'll just… there that's better," he said as he had managed to raise himself up somehow on his hands and knees.

Not wanting to take too long, as they were both finding the experience rather cramped and undignified, Martin unbuttoned Louisa's jeans and she eased them down to her knees.

"God, you look magnificent," said Martin as he squinted to see in the semi-darkness.

He slipped his own trousers down, and before long they were moving to a frantic rhythm as Ravel's Bolero built up to a crescendo on the car stereo.

"Martin, you are fantastic; you really know how to… ohhhhhh, just keep doing it like that, yes, oh yes, you are AWESOME!" screamed Louisa.

The sound of Louisa's voice urging him on, encouraging him, praising him, only made him thrust harder and faster. The car started to rock violently and suddenly without warning, it lurched forward and landed with a very loud crunch in a nearby ditch.

The passenger airbag inflated and hit Martin up the backside, causing him to collapse on top of Louisa once more.

"Martin, Martin, I can't breath," screeched Louisa.

"I'm sorry, but I can't move anywhere and I'm not exactly comfortable myself, you know," he replied gruffly.

Martin managed to open the passenger door and Louisa rolled out from under him and into the ditch.

"Oh, my God, it's freezing out here."

Martin joined her and was just pulling up his trousers when he suddenly saw car headlights in the distance.

He struggled out of the ditch and into the middle of the road to flag down the oncoming car. As it came closer to him, it became clear that it was PC Penhale in his Police Land Rover.

"Oh, God," groaned Martin and he was in two minds about whether to go and hide behind the car in the hope that Penhale wouldn't see them, but then he realised that they really did need to get back to Portwenn.

Penhale stopped when he saw Martin flagging him down, and he rolled down his window as Louisa appeared from the ditch looking rather dishevelled.

"Well now, what do we have here?" he asked as he eyed the Lexus and noticed that the windows were suspiciously steamed up.

"We got into a spot of bother and I, err, I lost control and it ended up down there," said Martin as he shiftily gestured towards the ditch.

"Really?" replied Penhale, still not convinced that there hadn't been some hanky panky going on. It was a favourite haunt for teenagers and the like to come and get jiggy with it, out of the way of prying eyes, after all.

"Well, let's get you sorted out shall we, we'll soon have you back in Portwenn. Be far more… comfortable there, now won't you," he said, raising his eyebrows at them both.

Louisa got into the Land Rover as Martin and PC Penhale attached a towrope to Martin's car.

Martin got into the driver's seat, and before long Penhale had them out of the ditch and on the way back to the surgery.

After manoeuvring the car into the parking space, Martin and Louisa went into the surgery. They quickly got out of their cold, wet clothes and Louisa put on Martin's spare dressing gown to keep warm.

"Well, I'll just have to spend the night here, I suppose," said Louisa chirpily.

"Yes, err, yes, that would be good," replied Martin. "Tomorrow if you give me your keys, I'll go down to the cottage very early and bring you back some fresh clothes," suggested Martin.

"Thank you, Martin, that would be very kind of you."

They stood and looked at each other and then Martin took Louisa by the hand and led her to his bedroom.

Their dressing gowns fell to the floor as they jumped under the covers of Martin's bed.

"Now then, let me look at your plumbing. Ah yes, it really does need fixing up," whispered Louisa, as she disappeared under the covers.

"Ohhhhhhhh, Louisa."

~ The End ~