Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of its characters.
Ever the Same
The faces that Dave Karofsky passed as he strode through the hallways of William McKinley High School were a blur; just a convoluted mess of flesh and eyes that his emotionally hazy being could not decipher. He heard his name being called, possibly by a couple of his fellow hockey teammates, but he did not stop for them. Their voices were indistinguishable due to the ringing in his ears. At first what he thought was from the school bells announcing the release at the end of the day was actually from the blood pounding in his head. Dave pushed through the students who were rapidly filling the narrow hallway, eager to go home after a long day of class; but there wasn't a single person as desperate to leave that building as Dave.
Frantic, Dave placed his hands on the shoulders of the people in front of him in an effort to get through the bustling crowd as an uncommon sense of agoraphobia began to strangle him. Dave swallowed thickly, attempting to rid himself of the knot forming in his throat.
Finally, as if coming upon the entrance to Eden itself, Dave pushed open the front, double doors to William McKinley High School, and stumbled into the cold that was the outside.
Dave shoved his hands into the pockets of his letterman jacket, not only from the cold, but in order to retrieve his car keys as he hastened to find his vehicle in the packed student parking lot.
"Shit," Dave cursed as he dropped his keys when he attempted, with shaky hands, to unlock the car door. Retrieving the fallen keys off the pavement, he tried once more at inserting the key into the lock and was successful. Grateful for his victory in attaining his desperately sought solitude, Dave slid easily into the driver's seat of his midnight blue Honda Pilot.
As soon as Dave shut the car door behind him, he caught a glimpse of a pair of eyes staring at him in his rear view mirror: His own.
Dave felt the vicelike hold of anxiety gripping his throat once more.
He stared back at the eyes, so unlike the ones he was so accustomed to seeing, in the mirror. A sickening wave of guilt washed over him, settling into the pit of his stomach as his breathing became labored.
"…just a scared little boy…" The words echoed in the periphery of his consciousness.
Disgusted with the fear and pain glittering in his hazel eyes, Dave pushed the mirror in the direction of the passenger seat so his eyes could no longer be seen.
How right Hummel was.
But then again, it took a lot of courage to impulsively kiss someone who you have feelings for.
Dave rested his elbows in his lap and cradled his head in his hands.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he moaned, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, as he felt the annoying prickle of tears forming in the corners of his eyes.
Dave couldn't lie to himself. He knew he didn't kiss Hummel out of bravery… He had kissed him out of pure impetuous rage and fear. He wanted to hate Kurt, but it was an impossible feat. Sure, he was mad at him right now for his extraneous amount of gall that he had to stand up to him like that, but the anger that was coursing through his veins, like poison, was at himself—anger for being such a coward, for being too afraid to reveal his true self in fear that people would not like what they saw... And that was all that he had.
But being someone else didn't get him far either.
"What are you so scared of?"He could hear Kurt's voice in his head, demanding.
"You…" Dave answered in a hoarse whisper to no one in particular in the silent confines of his empty car. Dave placed his hands on either side of the steering wheel and, resisting the urge to slam his head into the horn of the steering wheel in order to hear its satisfying squeal, he let his forehead drop onto the top of the steering wheel with a thud.
Dave was the type of person who enjoyed—no, needed—being in control; control of his surroundings, his emotions. Kurt was the one person—as well as thing—that was able to rob him of all of his self-control; it was enough to drive anyone crazy. And the worst part of it was that Kurt was oblivious to this power he had over him. Dave couldn't even pass Kurt while walking down the hallway without feeling the urge to throw all caution to the wind and swoop Kurt's slender body flush up against his own, kissing him senseless.
Kurt was everything he feared, and more.
No. Instead, Dave would walk past Kurt as he stood in front of his locker, facing its recesses so that Dave had a perfect view of his backside; his dark, tightly fitted denim pants hugging him in all the right places and the almost sensual concavity of the small of his back as he searched through his locker for something of no significance.
Kurt took away all of his self-restraint… And that scared the shit out of him.
So all these feelings of temptation, he had to transfer them; Dave craved the feeling of Kurt's warm body against his, but he knew that no one could know of these feeling he harbored for Hummel. Despite Dave becoming aware of his homosexuality at the age of thirteen, he couldn't imagine how his parents would react if they found out.
So, as Dave was only inches away from Kurt, he did the only thing he could think of in order to be close to him and to regain his control while being able to experience any form of contact with the boy.
Dave gave him a mighty shove with his hand pressed deliciously against Kurt's shoulder, almost being able to feel his sinewy muscles and bones through the fabric of his sweater.
Kurt would gasp and throw his hands up in order to protect his perfect face (in Dave's opinion) from being smashed and he would, for just a moment, feel a sense of release. But as he would turn to look back upon Kurt as he pushed himself away from the cold metal of the lockers, a mixture of fear and abhor could be seen in his eyes, and a wave of remorse would wash over Dave, making him feel worse than before.
And today was the day that Dave had been anticipating—so fearful of—his entire high school career, from the moment he laid eyes on that, at the time, overly timid and closeted, teen.
He finally kissed Kurt Hummel.
It wasn't the kiss itself that Dave was so fearful of; it was, once again, his composure, slipping through his fingers like smoke that scared him.
"Don't push me, Hummel."Dave could still hear the confrontation, fresh in his mind from only minutes ago. 'You don't want to know what will happen if you do,'Dave thought at the time as Kurt stood only an arm's length away from him.
"You gonna hit me? Do it," Kurt baited him. Despite the fist Dave had raised threateningly, he wasn't about to hit Kurt. 'Not hit you…'Dave thought. Kurt had changed so much since his first year of high school. Dave wasn't sure where this feisty little fireball came from over the past two years or so, but it only made Dave even more attracted to him.
Kurt pointed his finger menacingly at Dave, incensed. Dave took note of the lovely rose color that took over Kurt's cheeks when he was mad. 'So close…' Dave thought in longing.
"…handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!"
Dave knew his façade was slipping when he grabbed either side of Kurt's face and kissed him deeply.
It was sacred bliss, feeling Kurt's soft lips—parted slightly in surprise—on his. Dave was so distracted by the warmth that was coursing throughout his body that as he pulled away from Kurt, he didn't even register the fact that Kurt did not reciprocate his actions and stood, frozen in shock, as Dave leaned in for a second kiss.
Before he even had the chance to kiss him once more, however, Dave felt a pair of delicate hands pushing him away with a rabid strength he never thought possible. His hands, which were still holding either side of Kurt's face, dropped pathetically to his sides.
Kurt's expression was etched vividly in Dave's mind. Kurt's hand was hovering, almost protectively, above his swollen lips as he looked at him. His eyes were wide in disgust as if Dave was a bug, and not a person that he just scurried away from.
And now Dave was hiding in his car like the insect that just got away from being squashed. He let out a long and steady breath and looked down at his hands—still red and sore from where he smacked the lockers in frustration.
Dave knew that he lost his chance with Kurt months ago when he began his reign of torment on the smaller boy. He had weighed the odds of coming out of the closet. His so-called friends on the hockey and football team would more than likely beat him up—not that he didn't deserve a taste of what Kurt had to endure for so long. His greatest fear, however, was how his parent's would react when they learned that their only son and eldest child was gay. Both of his parents were always a little too obsessive whenever he brought a Cheerio home from school. As far as they were concerned, any girl that Dave feigned to be dating was a potential, future Mrs. David Karofsky.
Dave had to laugh bitterly to himself. There would never be a Mrs. Karofsky. Dave Karofsky was in love with Kurt Hummel… And that, too, scared the shit out of him.
The title and chapter title comes from the song "Ever the Same" by Rob Thomas.