I've seen these done for the Star Trek 2009 movie, and decided that the Original Series needed one, so I'm trying my hand at it. Tell me what you think, I have more of these ready to go. Please note that I am trying to come up with these on my own, and not copying them from other people or anything along those lines. If there are any similarities, I apologize, they are unintended.

"What's this?"

"Hey, I got one too!"


A group of three new Ensigns were checking there messages, and found they all had the same message. A Lieutenant walked by.

"What are you all looking at?" he asked.

"The Official List of Unofficial Rules of the USS Enterprise;" an Ensign replied. "Seems we all got it."

"That's because you're new around here;" the Lieutenant replied. "The crew sends that list out to all the newbies when the first arrive, and update it every once in a while for the rest of us."

"So it's a ship-wide thing?" a second Ensign asked.

"Yep. These are the rules they don't tell you about." The Lieutenant smiled. "I'd suggest you follow them. Most of the rules are from personal experience."

"Let's see what other rules we need to learn;" the third Ensign said as the Lieutenant walked away. The three opened the message and began to read...

The Official List of Unofficial Rules of the USS Enterprise

1. When you re-materialize, it is unnecessary for you to make sure you have all your body parts. We are pretty sure you would know if something was missing.

2. Making sound effects when using the transporter are unnecessary, childish, and makes you sound stupid.

3. When ever Kirk, Spock, McCoy, (or any male crew member for that matter) re-materializes, do not start singing "It's Rainin' Men".

4. Do not drink any of the Doctor's bourbon without permission.

5. Do not take any of Scotty's liquor without permission. Especially his scotch.

6. Do not mess with Kirk's coffee.

7. Do not challenge Scotty or Chekov to a drinking game. And do not challenge them both at the same time. It will end badly.

8. Do not call McCoy up-tight, snippy, grumpy, an old coot, gramps, hypo man, or anything other than Doc, Doctor, Dr. McCoy, McCoy, or Bones.

Note: Unless you're Captain Kirk, don't call Dr. McCoy 'Bones'.

9. Kirk is not the most important person in the universe. His ego is big enough already, don't give him any new ideas.

10. There is no "shotgun" seat on a Starship, so don't call it.

11. Do not use Sulu's foils to make shish kabobs, and don't use the warp engines to cook said shish kabobs.

12. Captain Kirk is not "The Man", so don't "stick it to him" (even if you want to).

13. Making finger pistols when phasers or photon torpedoes are fired is inappropriate and childish. Especially on the Bridge.

14. Do not give ratings on the resulting explosions of a destroyed ship. It is highly frowned upon.

15. Spock is not an elf.

16. Nor is he a computer, so don't ask him where his access port is.

17. Do not make fun of Chekov's accent.

18. Do not make fun of Scott's accent.

19. Do not call Mr. Scott 'English' or 'British'. He is Scottish, there is a difference.

20a. The transporter is not a toy. It is an important piece of equipment that should not be abused.

20b. If you break it, report the problem to Mr. Scott right away. Do not try and fix it yourself even if you are in engineering.

Keeping it short for now! I'll update it in a day or two, promise!