Disclaimer: Don't own anything but the thoughts running around in my head trying to escape.
NOTE1: This is a result of something I was working on for T.L. Arens. So it's inspired by that piece, but it is not a continuation. That will come later, right now I only have three chapters done but it's getting there. Oh, I want to send out thanks for the advice as well, Arens. Trying it out...
NOTE2: Happens after 6.07 but before Sam gets his soul back. Can't help it, I need "slivers o' Sammy" to tide me over 'til I get the real deal from Supernatural...
NOTE3: Thanks for reviews of Mommy means… by I love my knight in red and Zyanya! And also for the continued favs and alerts! Also, Thanks to CalamityJim for advice that I'm trying to apply...
When the Dean breaks
Dean lost track of time as he sat in a puddle of god only knows in the dark of that stinking back alley behind the Oasis of Sin. One hell of a name for a bar, huh?
He was quickly sliding into not giving a shit which would have been moved along alot faster by more booze. The bar itself had closed sometime earlier leaving the area oddly quiet. But he didn't have the energy to go find more whiskey or to even move out of the liquid saturating his jeans. He just didn't care, the rain had died down rather quickly to a slow drizzle that still left him thoroughly soaked. So what did a puddle matter?
The bar's outside wall that he was propped against bit into his back and he was developing a slight shiver from the cold. The alley was spotted with shadows and dark crevices of blackness that seemed to shift and shimmer in the dripping rain; not that Dean could spare the energy to give a shit. The sleepy numb feeling humming through his body was welcomed with a sigh.
He could give up right now and no one would give a shit!
He had no one left who would care and just how pathetic was that?
Sam had no soul and Bobby had betrayed him. Cas was too busy to be bothered with a lowly human, now that he wasn't needed.
Lisa and Ben… well he'd fucked that up royally.
So, what was left?
A shell of his brother that didn't care enough about him to let him know he'd been out a year and lets not forget that willingly let Dean be turned into a freakin' bloodsucker! Yeah, Dean had yet to learn how to let go of things he couldn't fix-change… whatever.
Who was he kidding, anyways? Sam didn't care about anything at all.
Dean looked down surprised to see the gun in his hand, lying across his leg. When had he gotten it out? He didn't remember…
Hell, ending it now would be easier than sticking around where he was no longer needed. No one needed him; no one was depending on him for anything. Hell, no one even wanted him around.
He looked down at his favorite gun and lifted it up, turning it; examining it like it held all the answers he searched for. Maybe the only answer needed was where to put the damn bullet to end it once and for all.
Then maybe he could rest…
Since he'd be heading back downstairs… maybe he'd even find his Sammy, because he wasn't here. They could finally be together. God, his brain felt fried.
He must have dozed off because he was shaken by a tight grip on his shoulder; he hit the hand, shoving it away. "Leave me the fuck alone…" Not bothering to open his eyes.
"'Fraid I can't do that, Dean." A flat voice that he knew instantly stated seriously.
Dean opened his eyes, pissed as he glared, "Why the fuck not, Sam? You did it for a whole fucking year."
"And that was wrong." Sam replied monotonously as he squatted in front of Dean.
"You decided this when?" Dean snarled, clinching the handle of the gun as he glared at the soul free version of his brother.
"You told me…" Sam started to answer only to be interrupted by Dean's angry reply.
"Oh, only 'cause I told you…. Just walk away Sam. You can go back to the Campbells. Just turn around and leave." Dean said with a hint of desperation tinkling to mix with the tremor in Deans' voice.
Sam just stayed knelt beside Dean, watching him… more like studying, almost like he was trying to figure Dean out. He tilted his head and frowned.
So Sammy like, that Dean shut his eyes tightly as he told Sam, "Just stop. I can't… just stop…"
Sam squeezed Dean's shoulder again causing Dean to open his eyes and stare at him.
"You can." Sam said in a voice that almost sounded, caring.
Dean closed his eyes and let his head fall to rest on his chest as he mumbled, "Yeah, well… I don't want to."
Sam shook Dean's shoulder harder until Dean glared at him "And what will your Sammy think when he comes back and his only brother is dead? That his idolized big brother offed himself? Because that's what you're planning." And again Sam shook him, "Aren't you?"
"You won't have to bring him back if I'm gone." Dean said, shoving Sam hand away and staggering to his feet. It seemed to Dean the world was tilting to the left and he struggled to right himself when Sam stood and grabbed his arm. Dean tried to jerk away, snapping. "You don't want to anyway."
Sam shrugged, "I don't." he admitted as he tightened his grip when Dean struggled to get away. "But you do." he continued as he stared intently at Dean.
Dean frowned and looked away, pulling the gun up into view to look at it. He didn't need to look to know Sam was tensing up, probably getting ready to try to take the gun if necessary. "Why did you come here tonight?" Dean asked still staring at the gun. Because if Dean could be honest with himself he really wanted to know.
Sam looked at the gun as well; he knew everything rode on the answer. "It is what Sammy would do, besides I was already here." He said with a hint of a shrug as he told Dean truthfully, "I followed you."
"But you're not Sammy and you don't want to be…" Dean looked up, staring into Sam's eyes as he said softly. "Just walk away and you get a free pass… you won't even have the guilt this time when you walk away." Then Dean jerked away and took a step to the side away from Sam.
"I can't do that." Sam said in monotone.
"Yes, yes you can." Dean said, flicking the safety off on the gun as he backed another step away.
"Yeah, well… I don't want to." Sam lifted a hand as if to stop Dean, before saying softly. "Don't."
Dean lowered the gun back down; he could almost swear he heard a hint of desperation in Sam's voice. Shaking his head, he pulled out his car keys.
Just damn wishful thinking. He seemed to have sobered up sometime during this conversation. Too bad… he thought before he tossed the keys at Sam.
Sam caught the keys without looking and pocketing them, never taking his eyes off Dean. "Good. I'm glad you have come to your…"
Dean interrupted with a soft, "Take the car. Go back to hunting… forget you made the pit stop to see me and just go." And he started to turn away.
Sam growled something and slammed Dean into the side of the building, his arm across Dean's throat. Getting nose to nose with Dean, he said in a deadly quiet voice, "You made me believe this Sammy that you love above everything was something I could never compare to… that I needed a soul to be. Before you can accept me I have to become Sammy. But now, when it gets tough, you're checking out?" Neither had noticed the gun was no longer in Dean's hand, having fallen when Dean slammed into the wall.
Dean turned his head and closed his eyes as a single tear slid down his cheek. "I can't do this anymore, Sam… it hurts too much." He whispered, not caring that he was actually telling the truth about how he felt.
"I'm sorry, Dean." Sam touched Dean's forehead with his, before saying soft enough no one else could hear, "Even though I can't feel… there is something there. I only sense it when you're around, the more I am around you the stronger it is. It's like a pull towards you."
Dean turned a little towards Sam, tilting his head… listening.
Sam continued, "That's why you are the only one I can trust with this soul thing. The only sliver of anything I have felt in a year is when I am with you. Maybe that is what brotherhood is all about…I don't know. But that twinge is because of you. I know this, Dean."
Dean kept his eyes closed as he let his head fall back against the wall.
Sam followed, closing the gap once again, "If you want this… if you insist on taking your self out of this. Then you'll have to kill me."
Dean's eyes popped open as he stared at Sam because even though a little while back he wanted to do just that, he couldn't now. Now that he knew for a fact that even though before him stood a shell of his brother, it was still a part of Sammy.
"This is the way I see it." Sam waited a few seconds, pulling back to see Dean, and then continued, "I don't sleep."
Dean jerked a little and a confused look appeared.
"So, I am now your shadow. You make a move; I'll be right behind you." Sam stated matter of factly.
"What do you care if I end it?" Dean asked, looking at Sam suspiciously.
Sam chose not to answer Dean's question and instead asked, "What was one of your favorite sayings?" Sam pretended to ponder the thought a moment, before adding, "AH, now I remember…" Leaning in close to Dean and lowering his voice even further, "Not on my watch."