Her mother used to say that each sunrise means a new beginning. So today she decided to come clean about everything with Cal. But, first she definitely needs something sweet to prompt her speech.
"Good morning, can I get you something?"
"Yes. I would like to have one of those, please." Gillian replies pointing a chocolate cupcake.
"Oh! Hello, Amanda!" Gillian got up greeting her friend.
"Good morning Heidi. Have you seen Dr. Lightman?"
"He's waiting in your office Dr. Foster. He said nothing but he looked worried. Is there anything I could help with?" Ok, show time. "Thanks Heidi. Don't worry, everything's fine." Now, let's face the problem!
"Can I come in?" She walks carefully inside her office swaying her hips and holding her purse tightly against her body. As usual Cal checks her body from head to toes, making little effort to hide it, actually, taking his time appreciating all his favorite spots. But sensing her tension Cal immediately acknowledges that something's wrong. However, despite of his curiosity he knows better than to ask about it.
"You do know this is your office, right?" He decides on a light banter instead.
"Sure, but seeing that you're so comfortable in here maybe I should move to yours." She knows he picked something in her face and expertly hides her emotions trying to trick him a little bit longer.
"Funny! Where did you go this morning?" Lovely she thought. But before she could retort he's on his foot walking the short distance between them. Startled with his purposeful stroll she steps back and stumbles against the couch. The look in his eye still makes her tremble remembering his touch, his kisses. Oh, no! Don't walk that road, Gillian! You need to focus on the important stuff! Yes, he wants to know why she wasn't in bed this morning.
"Are we there yet?" Despite everything else going on inside her head she still finds his insecurity something fascinating. She never noticed him to be so insecure, except maybe about his mother. The psychologist in her wants to explore the depth of his insecurity. They barely started a relationship. She is pregnant with his child, their child, it's not like she's going anywhere. Here, another reason to be completely honest with him, no more secrets!
"What do you mean? Oh, I see. Don't want to share…" Nice try honey! But I'll show you mine if you show me yours. It's his time to step back a little creating more space between them.
"It's not that I don't want to share. It's actually not a big deal." We'll get there later. We have plenty of time to get there, she thinks.
"So, why don't you tell me where were you this morning?" Gillian might as well start explaining because he wasn't letting go of it.
"No more secrets, right?" She steps into his personal space like he did to her so many times. Her hand strokes his jaw softly her thumb caress his lower lip delicately. His lips part slightly and he opens his eyes to find her daring him to make the next move. He never got the chance to vocalize his answer but his eyes said everything she needed to know. She could see passion, concern, sincerity, understanding, love. He kisses her lips tenderly, slowly like they have every time in the world.
She steps back feeling the need to give him some sort of explanation for this morning, for yesterday, and for her behavior: "I needed to think about something." It wasn't entirely a lie. "About us…"
"So, have you made your decision?" Why does she look so confused? Wait, she's not confuse, she's having an internal debate about something else. There's something she's not sure about wanting me to know.
"Yes." Oh God, this is more difficult than I thought. I really want to go live with them but I must come clean about Amanda. If not he'll never forgive me. "No." I'm making a fool of myself; he must think that I'm really stupid. "I mean, yes!"
"You're not sure you made a decision?" Cal was confused. He usually gets to interview criminals that look more innocent than Gillian was looking right now.
"I'll pack a bag this afternoon at least for a few days, if you still want me to come?" Maybe this is not the right time to talk about dirty little secrets. It can wait, but…
He wraps her in his arms. "That's great news!" Breaking the embrace he holds her hands: "But I wish you'd stay more than a couple of days…I mean… You know what I mean… And of course I want you to come!"
"Please Cal, don't push me. I said I'll go for a few days!" Gillian moves to stand next to her window. Cal knows there is something else in there but she's asking him not to push. So he says instead: "Maybe, I'll work my magic and you'll change your mind." He places a hand in her shoulder. She turns around and squeezes his hand in hers again.
"There's something else I need to tell you… " Gillian says while letting go of his hands once more.
"Gill, you know that you can tell me anything. Go ahead." He opted for letting her speak, no interventions in the middle of her speech or maybe she won't have the strength to continue. But it is something big for sure.
"This is so difficult, and you definitely do not deserve this…" She takes a shallow breath and continues. "But if we're starting something I must come clean, right?" Another breath and Cal senses that this is it. She is going to drop the bomb. "After Paris, I did some pretty reckless things." So she definitely did something and is struggling to tell him.
"It's not like I killed someone but…" Before she continues speaking, she bends her neck looking to the floor like there's something really interesting in the carpet, shame. "You were treating me differently, shutting me out. It was like we weren't friends anymore. Please understand that I'm not trying to blame you for what I did. Back then, I didn't even realize you had feelings for me." Finally she looks up and offers him a sad smile; her eyes are filled with tears.
"It started when I run into a college friend, a very intimate friend, Amanda. She was in town for a couple of days doing some research for her new boss and she asked me if I'd like to go out sometime." This definitely is something he wants to hear about so he takes a seat on the edge of her desk.
She makes a pause to regain her composure before continuing: "One night we went for dinner and after that she took me to her hotel. We had drunk too much margarita while remembering old times and we… I'm so sorry. I wish it never happened, Cal… But we did drugs!" And before Cal could really process the information she continues: "And turns out we ended up kissing each other." Shock takes Cal's features. His mouth opens slightly and his eyes get wider before he can hide it.
She feels the need to explain: "It's not like I'm lesbian or bisexual. I mean, it was a onetime thing, I was lonely and the wine, and the drugs definitely helped. But I was conscious and I could've said no! I'm so sorry I'm telling this now, but I couldn't go forward without being completely honest with you." She is looking awful. Her cheeks are red, she is crying and her makeup is a mess.
"You're not serious Gillian!" He can't believe that his long time partner could've done drugs and kissed a woman in the same night. "You've got evolved with a woman after we had sex, and the drugs? Even after what you went throw with Alec?" This isn't Gillian. This must be some kind of sick joke, right?
"Yes." She directs her eyes down and the word slips of her mouth like a whisper, a shameful whisper.
"And you were already pregnant with OUR baby?" Cal is now standing in the middle of her office looking very angry, moving his hands while talking loudly. "My God, Gillian the drugs could've done something to the baby!" He notices the shame and the fear in her face and drops his hands helplessly. He wants to reach for her, but her behavior had been so reckless. She knows better than this.
"I need time to process this. I mean… I love you, and our baby, and I want you to move in with me but this is a bit of a surprise. I don't mean to judge you, believe me I had my share of slips but I never thought you'd do something so…"
"I'm sorry …" Is all Gillian manages to say before he's out the door. She instantly drops to her knees hopeless.