A/N: I am so ready to cry right now. I want to just lay down and die. Because I can't watch "Absolute Power" next week. I'll be babysitting…

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

I told myself I'd stop caring. I told myself to give up on Kevin. I told myself that he wasn't worth it. I kept on telling myself the same thing over and over and over again. I didn't want to be stuck on him for the rest of my life.

I stopped crying weeks ago. I stopped moping around after a few days. I told myself he wasn't worth it. I told myself he was just a waste of my time. I told myself he was just another piece of my heart and that I knew he would've fallen away eventually.

Ben thought I was ridiculous when I cried. When I stopped, he worried. He was afraid that something was wrong with me. Kevin had lost his mind and he was worried that it might've set me off. My cousin was worried that losing Kevin had spiraled me into some kind of depression. And he even asked me if I still loved Kevin.

I told him I didn't. And I thought I meant it. I really thought I meant it.

But it hurt to see him leave after every battle. It hurt to see that I couldn't even bring myself to really hurt him. I couldn't even hurt him with some of my serious attacks. I was too afraid to do anything to him.

I couldn't hurt him. I couldn't touch him. I didn't want to put him in any kind of pain. Something in my head said that I needed to stop him, to put him down like Ben said. The other part of me was begging for him to just give up and let me heal him. I didn't hurt him. I didn't touch him.

I told myself I was done. I cut myself off from him. I denied any feelings. I gave up any emotions for him. I totally shut down my entire heart. I stopped caring. I stopped believing. I shut down everything and gave up on Kevin. I had turned my back on him for good. I had totally and utterly given up.

But I cried. I cried like a little girl who lost her puppy. I cried like I was some little kid that had just fallen off their bike for the first time. I cried like I had nothing to lose. I cried so hard that it felt like my soul was going to be torn in two. It hurt bad enough to make me cry.

Maybe I denied myself anything for him, but he was still my soul mate. I couldn't help but care about him. It was an innate instinct that I couldn't help. I had to love him.

I didn't want to. I didn't want to love him. I wanted to hate him with my whole heart. I wanted to be able to let go. I wanted to be able to give up on him. For good.

It needed to stop. I had to stop hurting so much. I had to give up. Why did I still love him? God, it hurt to love him.

Why does it hurt so bad?

A/N: I am hurting so bad. It's physically painful to watch it now… Please review.