A/N: This is a new thing I'm working on. It'll be a multi-chapter fic, but updates may come slowly.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or anything else that may get me sued.
I hate Rachel Berry.
I hate Rachel Berry.
I kept saying it to myself, over and over, trying to forget what happened. It was true. I hated her. She'd spilled the beans about the baby. She'd stolen Finn and, in some ways, Puck away from me. Everything that came out of her mouth was at best rude and at worst life-altering. She was a bitch and a home wrecker and I hated her.
Which was why I was confused...how could this have happened if I hated her?
It all started with Santana opening her stupid mouth about her and Finn sleeping together. Just because she was mad about...whatever didn't mean that she had a right to ruin everything like that. Not that I cared about Rachel's feelings or anything. I only cared because I felt like she was going to end up crying on my shoulder or something.
As it turned out, I was right. It was about a week after Finn and Rachel had officially broken up, and I walked into the choir room. I was supposed to be working on a new duet with Sam, but he'd decided that comforting Finn was more important. I didn't care. I figured I could work on my parts while he was having male bonding time.
I should've known that Rachel would be in the choir room. Now that she didn't have Finn, she didn't have anyone to sit with. What I didn't quite expect, though, was to see her shoulders shaking with sobs as she sat staring at the piano from its bench.
My first reaction was to make a rude comment and walk away. That seemed like the "me" thing to do. Another part of me just wanted to walk away without saying anything. It would be too awkward to acknowledge that I'd seen her. Still another part of me, the part I was desperately trying to ignore, was telling me to console her. I didn't understand why, but I found myself moving forward and placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"Hey," I said, not sure exactly what to do next. Rachel furiously wiped at her eyes, trying to hide the fact that she'd been crying. It didn't really help, because there were still tears falling from her eyes.
"Oh, hey Quinn. I didn't hear you walk in. What're you doing here? Where's Sam?" She was still trembling a little.
"What, suddenly you care about Barbie and Ken?" I felt better regaining some of my control. That is, until I felt her flinch away from my hand.
"Quinn, if you came here to make fun of me, then I'm going to have to insist that you leave."
I scoffed. "You can't kick me out. I'm actually here to practice. You're just here to throw yourself a pity party."
Rachel stood up and got in my face. "You have no idea what I'm going through right now, Quinn."
I rolled my eyes, glad that we had dropped into our usual banter and I'd gotten over wanting to care for her. "You cheated on Finn with Puck and your telling me I don't know how you feel? I know exactly how you feel, Rachel. The difference is you aren't going to have to carry a baby to term!"
She stepped right into my space, and I felt something weird in my stomach that I couldn't quite define.
"That was completely different. He didn't love you the way he loves me. You didn't love him the way I love him."
"Oh, is that why you took the first chance to jump into bed with Puck?"
Rachel fumbled for words. "I...I...I was hurting. I was scared."
"That doesn't make it okay. He didn't deserve that again."
"What do you even care?" she asked, fury burning in her eyes. But there was something else beneath it. Something that was just out of my reach. She kept talking before I could figure it out. "Do you want him back or something?"
I let out a mocking laugh. "Are you kidding me? I'm not talking Rachel Berry's left overs! Besides, I have Sam now, and with you and Finn out of the picture, we're going to be the new glee power couple."
"Oh, so that's why you're dating your twin brother!" she yelled at me, poking me in the chest.
"Oh my God! Just because we're both blondes doesn't mean that we look alike!" I yelled.
Rachel turned around and put a few steps of space between us before whipping back around to face me again. I missed her being close. I figured it was because I liked having her within striking distance.
"I really thought you would've grown after your pregnancy. I thought you'd understand what it's like to lose someone that's important to you. I thought that you would get what it feels like to have everything you want, yet still feel empty..."
By the way she drifted off, I knew that she'd let something slip that she hadn't meant to.
"What the hell does that mean?" I asked.
"That's not the point," she said. "The point is that while I thought the birth of your daughter would have forced you to grow beyond caring about trivial things such as achieving popularity, it has become glaringly obvious that your still stuck in a very immature high school state of mind!"
"No, Rachel. I'm not going to let you talk circles around me to try and change the subject." I felt like I was arguing for argument's sake. Nothing we were fighting about made sense. She knew I didn't want Finn, and she knew that I didn't care if she took shots at Sam. The only important thing either of us had said was the comment she made about feeling empty. And I needed to get to the bottom of that. "Why did you feel empty?"
She looked at the ground. "It didn't mean anything, Quinn."
"Bullshit!" I yelled, snapping her attention back to me, but a lot of the anger had drained from her face, replaced by...I didn't know what. I didn't like having all of these feelings between us that I couldn't describe. I wasn't used to being thrown like that; it just made me more angry than I already was. I advanced on her. "You know damn well that you were trying to tell me something. What was it?"
Rachel had never looked so small to me before. Yeah, I'd seen her cry before. She wasn't afraid to turn on the waterworks for a little drama, but I'd never seen her really break down before. I had to admit that seeing her like this when she was usually so strong and confident was a little jarring. It didn't sit well with me.
"You wouldn't get it, Quinn. You wouldn't understand. And besides, I don't trust you enough to tell you."
"Well, it's too late. I'm going to push this until I find out what you're trying to say. If I have to get Santana to beat your ass, I will. If I have to...if I have to..."
"Is that all you've got?" she asked.
I took a deep breath and thought. What would hurt Rachel more than anything?
"If I have to sleep with Finn, I will."
Her eyes went wide. "You wouldn't. He wouldn't let you...and you wouldn't hurt me like that."
"I would." I wouldn't. I meant it when I said I was done with him, but I knew that this was the only thing that may drive Rachel to action. If she didn't take my bluff, then I didn't have a back-up plan."
She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. When she opened them again, there were more tears.
"I love Finn," she stated, and I wanted to slap her across the face.
"Yeah, I'm aware of-" I started, but she cut me off.
"I'm not in love with Finn." I felt my jaw open and close unattractively. What the hell? Hadn't she been singing about her undying love for him since he'd joined glee club? "I'm in love with someone else, and I don't know how to deal with it."
"You're in love with Puckerman?" I asked. It seemed like the logical place to go, but when she shook her head in the negative, I didn't know who else to think of, and I didn't know why I cared so much. So what if Rachel loved someone? It didn't have anything to do with me.
Still, I found myself obsessed in that moment with finding out who it was.
"Who?" I asked her, trying to take all of the venom out of my voice, I went to grab her hand to reassure her, but she snatched it away. I don't know why I was surprised. Two seconds ago, we'd been screaming in each other's faces. Still, like everything else Rachel Berry did, that little action pissed me off.
"I don't want to tell you, Quinn. You don't want to hear."
Then I realized the one person that it had to be. Why else would she say something like that?
Rachel had fallen in love with Sam.
I shoved Rachel backwards, and she stumbled into the piano, bracing herself on it. I was in her face before she could blink.
"Listen up, RuPaul, because I'm only going to say this once. If you try anything, I swear to God I will personally ensure that your remaining years in this town will be more miserable than you could possibly fathom. I knew there was a reason I hated you."
"Qu-Quinn," she stuttered out. "I swear, I'm never going to do anything. Please, just step away, and we can forget this ever happened."
"Are you serious?" I yelled so loud I was afraid that someone might hear and intervene. "I understand you trying to steal my life away, considering yours is so pathetic, but after everything with Finn and Puck, I'll be damned if I let you steal another one of my boyfriends, no matter how much I do or don't care about him."
"What?" she asked, seeming genuinely confused. I guess she really was a great actor.
"You love Sam, right?"
She pushed me away a little bit, but I was still close. "No, I don't love Sam!" she spat.
"Then what the hell did you mean when you said I didn't wanna hear it?"
The next few moments went in slow motion. I saw a few emotions cross Rachel's face, but, just like the rest of this encounter, they didn't make any sense. And before I had time to finally connect the dots, Rachel grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me in for a kiss. I froze. That had been about the last thing I'd been expecting. The only thing I'd expected less was the way my body reacted to having Rachel Berry pressed against me. I felt a heat rise within me and a pool in between my legs.
It was then that everything started to make sense. All those looks that she'd been throwing me were looks of love and fear. Love that she obviously felt for me and fear that I would reject her and tell the whole school about her. What scared me, though, was that tight feeling in my stomach earlier and the urge I felt to be close to her. Had that come from me wanting her?
No, that couldn't be it. I wasn't gay, and I certainly wasn't gay for Rachel fucking Berry.
Still, there we were, kissing like our lives depended on it, clinging to each other like we were holding on for dear life. I'd never felt like this kissing anyone else, and it scared me, but in that moment, my mind was being completely overruled by my body, so before I knew what was happening, I had my thigh in between her legs, and I was kissing my way down her neck.
"Quinn!" I heard her gasp as I pushed into her and bit down on her pulse point. It would probably leave a mark, but that gave me a small sense of satisfaction that I had branded her. I tried to ignore that thought, because I really shouldn't have been enjoying this. I kept grinding against her, because whether this was a mistake or not, it felt so fucking good, and I couldn't find it in myself to stop.
"Quinn," I heard her say again, like she was trying to get my attention, but I just ran my had under her sweater and she gasped. "Fuck...Quinn...we can't do this here. Someone...someone could catch us."
"So?" I asked, running my hand under her bra and palmed her breast.
"What about...Sam?" she asked me, followed by a moan that almost made me come on the spot.
"No more words, Rachel," I managed to get out. I would've hesitated and heard her out if she'd given me any indication that she wanted me to stop, but the way she was riding my thigh gave me the clue to go on.
I lowered my hands to her hips and started pushing her harder into my leg. I may have had a hard time listening to anything she'd said, but I knew that she was right about one thing: someone could come in at any moment. I sure as hell wasn't going to stop, so I needed this to finish up faster.
"Oh God," I heard her say into my ear. "I'm so close. I don't think...I can be quiet."
I knew what she meant. I'd been trying to hold back moans of pleasure the entire time we'd been doing...whatever we were doing. I could feel my own orgasm building inside of me, so I pushed against her harder and faster, and when I heard her start whispering profanities in my ear, I lost it. I pulled her in to kiss me again. We swallowed each other's moans as our orgasms raced through us.
When my breathing returned to normal, and my body stopped shaking, I looked at Rachel, and was scared by how much love I saw in her eyes. Then she said it.
"I love you."
It ruined everything.
I backed up from her so fast I almost fell over. I could see the concern in her eyes, but I didn't care. What the hell had I just done? I'd just pushed Rachel Berry up against the piano in the glee room and made her come. I'd just made Rachel Berry come...and she loved me. This was not okay. This was the farthest thing away from okay.
"Quinn," she said, moving towards me. "Please calm down. You're scaring me."
I realized that I was hyperventilating and frantically trying to put as much distance between us as I could.
"Get the fuck away from me!" I screamed. "You're...you're a freak! What the hell did you do to me?"
More tears...more looks of hurt and fear. More confusion for both of us. I couldn't want her...she was everything I hated. She's loud, obnoxious, self-centered, a total boyfriend stealer...but God, when she was kissing me, it was like heaven. When we came together...no, I couldn't think about that. I had to focus on the hate, but she was making so hard with her hurt look and her fearful eyes.
"I didn't...you...Quinn, please don't do this..."
I couldn't take any more. I had to leave. But before I did, I needed to make sure she wouldn't follow.
"If you come near me again, I will tell everyone that you tried to take advantage of me, and I'll expose you for the dyke you are, get me?"
She nodded, and I ran from the choir room. How the heel had I let this happen? What had she done to me to make me enjoy that? I couldn't deal with this. I couldn't deal with Sam trying to figure out what was wrong with me, or Santana making stupid comments about pushing Artie down the stairs. There was something seriously wrong with me, and I couldn't tell any of them. I felt more helpless than I had when I was pregnant and hiding it from everyone.
I got in my car and drove home, hoping my mother wouldn't be home, so I could be free to cry myself to sleep, trying to forget everything...the kiss, the orgasm, the fact that I'd enjoyed it all so much, but mostly, the fact that my heart felt like it was breaking at the thought of how much I'd hurt Rachel. I finally fell asleep, whispering my mantra over and over again.
I hate Rachel Berry. I hate Rachel Berry. I hate Rachel Berry...