Harry Potter, is, of course, a very famous wizard. Let's recount some of his major accomplishments.
When he was a baby, he got rid of Voldemort. That is pretty freaking rad. Voldemort was the biggest and baddest bully on the playground, killing people left and right as if it was as casual as teeter-tottering with Billy, and Harry, the little scrawny kid that had no friends, showed up Voldemort with his wicked ninja skills. Domination.
When he was a first year, he beat up Quirrel and stopped Voldemort from getting the Sorcerer's stone. Now, that is pretty admirable. An eleven year old pulled this off? Impressive! He also knocked out a troll, pissed off Snape, walked through flames, played a giant game of Wizard's chess, survived two encounters with a gigantic three headed dog, became BFFs with Dumbledore, befriended a half-giant, ginger, and nerd, became the youngest Gryffindor seeker in a while, was an awesome seeker, faced an attack from devil's snare, and showed up Malfoy.
When he was a second year, he killed a basilisk with a bloody awesome sword he pulled out of a hat that a phoenix delivered to him. He then continued to use the tooth as a weapon to destroy a part of Voldemort's soul. He also sent a grown wizard to St. Mungo's for irreversible spell damage, saved Ginny Weasley's life, heard voices, was accused of being the heir of Slytherin, talked to snakes, opened the Chamber of Secrets, had a foot-long tooth puncture his arm, and nearly died but lived because a phoenix cried on him.
When he was a third year, he could cast a patronus. He met a werewolf. He went back in time. He saved his godfather and a hippogriff. He was extremely sexy. He was still rockin' at quidditch. He saw the grim, thought Divination was stupid, blew up his aunt, wasn't expelled, rode the Knight Bus, met Stan Shunpike, encountered a criminal in the Shrieking Shack, was nearly killed by a werewolf, defeated hundreds of dementors, fainted on a train, passed out on a broom stick, and attended Hagrid's classes.
When he was a fourth year, he saw Voldemort come back to life and managed to save his life. He also escaped a lake full of mermaids, rescued a French girl, rescued Ron, brought Cedric's dead body to his parents, didn't allow his death eater teacher to kill him, had a death eater pretending to be an auror as his defense against the dark arts teacher, resisted the imperious curse, became even more stunningly attractive, beat a dragon, was amazing on a firebolt, went to the Quidditch world cup, saw Viktor Krum, was a tri-wizard champion, answered a riddle given by a sphinx, uncovered the mystery of Barty Crouch, Winky, and Barty Crouch Jr., attended a ball at Yuletide, and so much more awesome stuff Harry himself could not keep track of it.
In the fifth year, Voldemort possessed him and Harry miraculously survived. He became a total hottie, rode some thestrals, met Luna Lovegood, shooed away some dementors, saved his cousin, figured out Arabella Fig was merely a squib, managed to not get expelled, attended a hearing, hated Umbridge, let centaurs take her away, started the DA, became one B.A. DA teacher, got some scars, snogged Cho Chang, witnessed Fred and George break out of school, attacked Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, and he made plans to become an auror.
Sixth year? Just the same level of awesome, if not raised by forty seven billion. He recovered a horcrux, became really good at potions, used a bad boy curse on Malfoy, snogged Ginny Weasley, was BFFs with Dumbledore again, saw some memories that had to do with Voldemort, and really, was freaking awesome.
In the seventh year, Harry destroyed some horcruxes, died, came back to life, and killed Voldemort. Along the way, he broke into Gringott's, escaped Malfoy manor, became the possessor of the resurrection stone, became the master of the Death Stick, survived an attack from a giant snake, broke into the Ministry of Magic, stole Slytherin's locket from around Umbridge's neck, found out Snape wasn't evil, saw the dead versions of Lupin, Sirius, and his parents, became a godfather, oh, yeah, and he killed Voldemort.
Just to recap very briefly – Harry vanquished Voldemort not only once, but twice. And he also survived the killing curse twice. Pretty rad.
So, upon reflection of some of the milder feats of awesomeness, Harry could not understand why anyone would ever demote his status of cool by running a degrading and outright lie in the Daily Prophet.
Whatever story got him down, though, he always had a way to cheer himself up; fanmail.
Harry received a lot of fanmail – he was Harry Freaking Potter. Of course he got a butt-load of fanmail. So, whenever he was in one of his little pouts because the Prophet had printed something he found horrendous, he simply waved his magic little wand and summoned a big stack of fanmail he kept in his bedside cabinet.
This wasn't any fanmail – this was fanmail that praised Harry. Complimented his bum. Told him he was extremely irresistible. They worked perfectly to cheer up a mopey Harry.
A/N: I plan on continuing this randomly whenever I get bored or think of an idea...
Drunk owling? Yes.
Go to the next chapter to see a letter from Blaise Zabini... oooh!