AN: I know that if I am writing Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, I should use terrible grammar. I can't. I will try, though. So the first part will be her letter.

The second part will be my translation so you can actually understand what is happening.

If you have not read My Immortal, I suggest that you do so RIGHT NOW. Basically, Ebony is the biggest Mary Sue ever and... yeah. Just go read it.

So, have fun losing a couple of brain cells.


Der Harry,

iz it ok if I cul u Vampir? Ur nam is vempire, ritr? So dats wut im gonna cal u. so der.

Mi nem is Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. I wet 2 Hugwarts wiff u wen we were in da 7th yeer at Hogwerts. I wuz 17 at da tim.

So, anywey, Vameipre, I fink ur relly sexah. I meen, more sezxah den Gerad Way, who I;m nut realted 2 bat I wish I wuz bcuz he is a mjaor hottie.

Aniwey rite now im waring 7 pears of bollood red skull errings with blak dyemunds (gedddit cuz im goffik?) in dem end red ripped fishnets with ponty blak bots. Im wering a short leader blak skirt that shuwz haff ma butt and im waring a leater bra with no shirt. U mite fink imma slut, but really, im not.

Rmeember dat toime Vldofemort tol me 2 kill u wif dat gun? Dat wuz so funny, remimber? End Snap and Loopin wer masticating 2 a vido tap of me nakd? Good timez! And I wuz so deprezzed dat I killed miselv wiff da steak I got at Longhorn.

Bud anyway dis is wut hapend affter I gradiated frum Howgarts. Sinze im a vempire, I lik to drink blod. I decidead 2 git a job wurkin at Hot Topic in Hogzmade. I made out wiff Tom Rid and he put his thingy in my u-no-what and we had u-now-wut but then he took off hiz mask and id trund out dat he was realy acshully Volfemort! I rean away but den he caught me.

Anyqwat, it turtnz out dat Voldemport is really sexah and we had you-no-wat and know were merried and we lived happly ebey after.

Luv,

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Tom Riddle Voldemort Tara Way


Dear Harry,

Is it okay if I call you Vampire? Your name is Vampire, right? So that's what I'm going to call you. So there.

My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. I went to Hogwarts with you when we were in the seventh year. I was seventeen at the time.

So, anyway, Vampire, I think you're really sexy. I mean, more sexy than Gerard Way, who I'm not related to, but I wish I was because he is a major hottie.

Anyway, right now I'm wearing seven pairs of blood-red skull earrings with black diemonds (get it, because I'm Gothic?) in them and red ripped fishnets with pointy black boots. I'm wearing a short, leather black skirt that shows half my butt and I'm wearing a leather bra with no shirt. You might think I'm a slut, but really, I'm not.

Remember that time Voldemort told me to kill you with that gun? That was so funny, remember? And Snape and Lupin were masturbating to a video tape of me naked? Good times! And I was so depressed that I killed myself with a stake I got at Longhorn.

But anyway this is what happened after I graduated from Hogwarts. Since I'm a vampire, I like to drink blood. I decided to get a job working at Hot Topic in Hogsmeade. I made out with Tom Riddle and he put his thingy in my you-now-what and we had you-know-what but then he took of his mask and it turned out that he was really actually Voldemort! I ran away but then he caught me.

Anyway, it turns out that Voldemort is really sexy and we had you-know-what and now we're married and we lived happily ever after.

Love,

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Tom Riddle Voldemort Tara Way