I own nothing.
He needs something to believe in, something to cling to. It's a necessity of the human condition. But his need is desperate. She's the only thing that's keeping him from falling into the abyss of every foul, rotten thing he's done and every foul, rotten thing he could do. So he clings to her like she's his lifeline, his buoy in a tumultuous sea of bad decisions and poor judgment calls.
But his desperate clutch on her is slowly tearing her down and dragging her under. He's letting her get swept away by the current of his bad choices and he's caught between pushing her away so she can breathe freely and tightening his grip on her, hoping that her goodness, her pure soul will be enough to save the both of them.
But the longer he clings to her the more he gets swept up in her essence, carried away by everything she is and he is not. He wants to be like her, drinking slushies and eating pudding at 10 in the morning. There is a youthful innocence that she's never lost and that he's not sure he ever had to begin with. But as much as he wants to be like her, he wants even more to be with her, in every possible way.
His need for her burns fiercely and he forces it to just below the surface where they both can pretend that it's not there, that it doesn't exist. Because as much as he wants her, wants to be with her, he can never let it happen. To say that she's too good for him would be a cliché that doesn't even begin to encompass the truth of the matter. To say that she deserves better would win him an award for "Obvious Understatement of the Year".
So he pushes her away, as he pulls her closer. He clings to her and then berates himself and shoves her away, never explaining and knowing that he's doing damage to her, to their relationship, but not knowing how to stop the painful cycle. And all the while he's wishing that she would be the one to break away and leave him to drown in his own misery and his own poor decisions. Because he can never be the one to leave, he can never stop clinging desperately to his lifeline, the only fresh breath of air in his life, his Gillian.