Disclaimer: 'CSI' and its characters are the property of CBS and Alliance/Alantis Networks, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. I'm writing this story for entertainment purpose only. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's note: When I wrote 'Understanding' I thought that it was going to be my only POV of Sara. But then I read your reviews, and suddenly I got the idea for a sequel. This time I solely concentrated on the feelings of Grissom and Sara for one another. This will probably (but I never say never) be my last Sara POV. For all the Sara/Grissom shippers, enjoy!
English is not my native language. If you find an annoying writing error in this story, please email me (instead of mentioning it in a review) and I will correct it immediately.
Revelations - Sara
It's strange what love can do to a person. When you least expect it, it hits you in the face. And when you try so hard to push it away, it only comes back full force.
I've experienced that first hand, although I wish I hadn't. I never meant to fall in love with Grissom. I did not even want it. Grissom is not the man to fall in love with. And I tried my best to get rid of those confusing feelings, to suppress them, but it was in vain.
I think I was already in love with him even before I joined his CSI team. We have known each other for a long time now, and when he called me in from San Francisco, I was thrilled to be able to work with him again. I felt honored that he trusted me enough to deal with Warrick's case.
The moment I saw him on the street everything came back. Every memory, every feeling I had for him. I saw him with the same eyes as when I was a student. I worshiped everything he did. He was my shining example, and I wanted so much for him to be proud of me. I lived for his approval and his attention. To be quite honest, I still do. Pathetic, I know.
Soon, actually from the beginning, my feelings for him became more intense. And at one point I couldn't deny them any longer. Everything changed. All of a sudden every word, every touch and every look got a different meaning. When Grissom touches me briefly, places his hand on my back or on my shoulders, I feel shivers going down my spine. And when he looks at me with those adorable puppy eyes, I'm overwhelmed with this longing. I want to kiss him, wrap my arms around him and touch his face.
Dust. It was only dust. My hand against his cheek, but it was only dust.
I love him. It's as simple as that, and yet also that difficult. How could I have been so stupid? Falling in love with Grissom…As if I don't have enough problems as it is. I seriously doubt whether there will ever be a 'us', whether we will ever get a chance together. In some ways we are so much the same. We are both better with corpses than alive people – corpses don't talk back – and we both have a passion for our work. Grissom is probably a little more obsessive than I am. Never taking a day off, always talking about his work, not having any hobbies…
Then again, that does sound a lot like me. I live for my work. It's all I can think of. I've always wanted to become a CSI. From the very first moment I came in contact with forensics, I knew it was my destiny. And I followed it. I followed my fate and it brought me here. To him. Ironic, isn't it? Why does fate have to be so cruel?
Grissom and I are different in one big thing. I have feelings, and I can't hide them. If a case upsets me, I can't pull the switch and put on the mask Grissom so easily uses. And I don't really want to. It's who I am. It makes me human. Grissom doesn't agree, and in that way we clash. He is the opposite of me. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he has feelings at all. Because if he does, he sure as hell knows how to hide them. He can be so insensitive and ignorant.
I don't know if I can accept that he may never open up to me. It's already so damn frustrating. Every time I try to reach him, he drives me away. He doesn't let me into his life, he doesn't show me how he truly feels. Maybe I'm too demanding, but is a man who understands my passion for my work, who isn't afraid of wrapping an arm around me and who really hears me, too much to ask?
And when I wake up at night, bathing in sweat because of another nightmare, I need someone to reassure me that everything is going to be all right. I want to reach out my hand and feel a warm body lying next to me. I would feel safer knowing that someone was with me in the room. Someone who would fight my demons with me, stand by me and get me through the despair and fear I often feel. My past will always be there to haunt me. But maybe with someone by my side, I can let go and focus on the future.
I can't see Grissom in that role though. Sometimes I fantasize about what it must be like to be loved by him. To lie in his arms, my head on his chest. I can almost hear his heartbeat and feel the warmth of his skin against my cheek. I feel safe in his strong arms. As if the bad, violent world outside the room doesn't exist. We just lie there, pretending and hoping that the moment will last forever. That we will never have to go back to reality.
I do realize, however, that this will never happen. It's just my little fantasy, my dream. I don't even think Grissom is interested in me that way. His whole life revolves around his work. There is no room for a woman. He doesn't even know how to behave himself around a woman. His idea of a gift would probably be the new issue of Forensic Science instead of flowers. And on his first date he would rather go to the lecture 'the first bug to arrive on a corpse' than to the theatre or a movie. He's so predictable in many things, and yet so surprising in others. I don't really know him. Despite our past, despite the time we've worked together, I still don't know him.
He is my mentor, my teacher, and my supervisor. He sees me as his protégée. When will he ever see me as a woman? Not a child that needs guidance or a student that needs to be taught. He doesn't even take the effort to get to know me better. He patronizes me, he lectures me…
Will he ever love me?
To Be Continued…
Grissom's POV will be on soon! In the meantime you could write a review. Hint, hint! : ) - Karin -