I can't really say that it started with the song, but that was the first time I acknowledged it.

We were in the van, Andrew driving, me in the passenger's seat, watching the radio. Three years ago, Andrew bought an attachment for the radio, so I could "listen" to it, too. It displays the song artist and title, as well as the lyrics, line by line. Anyway, I was watching it, but not really paying attention.

Daniel and Chase watching a movie in the middle seats (Agent Zero – so appropriate for a three-year-old), and Marissa was listening to music in the very back. Probably something pop and girly, that would drive Daniel's mature twelve year old sensibilities crazy.

A song started on the radio, and the first three lines caught my attention.

Waking up this morning
Thinking this can't be real
But they say there is nothing love can't heal

I listened to the whole song, and every line seemed to be aimed right at me. Right at my situation. I would say our situation, but Andrew doesn't seem to think that there is a "situation" at all. I don't see how he can't, but it's not for me to say what he thinks, although you'd think that after thirteen years of marriage, I'd have a better idea.

Then again, you'd think that after thirteen years of marriage (well, eleven at the time) he wouldn't have cheated on me.

Of course, he probably thinks that after two years, I would have let it go. But I ask you, how can I let it go when he won't let me talk about it?

Granted, it's not exactly something I want to talk about, but I do know we need to. I've known that for two years.

Did I ever mention when it was? On Chase's birthday. The day our youngest child had his first birthday, my husband was out with another woman, in another woman's bed. Am I bitter?

He doesn't even deny it. I still remember when he came home that evening.


"I would say good night if it wasn't morning."

Andrew spun around at the soft voice. "Hey, hon, what are you doing up so late?"

Sue slowly stood up from her position leaning against the door jam and uncrossed her arms. "Waiting for you."

Smiling, Andrew approached. "You shouldn't have," he said, leaning down to kiss his wife. She turned her head, the kiss landing on her cheek. "Sue?" Andrew asked, frowning in confusion.

"You missed it," she whispered.

"What?"

Voice rising in anger, Sue snapped, "Your son's birthday, Andrew!"

"Oh, damn…" Andrew sighed, and placed his hands on Sue's hips, giving her a puppy look. "Baby, I'm sorry… I just… I got distracted by work, you know how it is."

Sue nodded. "Yeah, I know how it is. At least, I know how it is when you're actually at work." She crossed her arms again. "I called you, Andrew. I called the office, Marie said you signed out at five. I called your cell, it was turned off. I called Damien, he said he hadn't seen you since you left work! Where were you, Andrew?"

Suddenly closing up, Andrew muttered, "I just got distracted," and stalked off toward the bedroom.

Taking a shaky breath, Sue asked, "Who were you with?" not really wanting to know the answer.

Andrew paused and glanced over his shoulder. K-B, he signed, then turned back and walked down the hall.

Sue let out a small cry, suddenly weak knees no longer supporting her, she sank down to the floor. K-B. Karri Bush.


Sitting all alone in this place
Even though we're here face to face

It scares me how alone I am in this. Andrew doesn't understand, or doesn't want to understand. He doesn't see that for me to let this go, we need to talk about it. We need to sit face to face, but we need to be together, not alone. We need…

We need trust. That's something that's been gone in our marriage for the last two years. I trusted him, but I can't anymore. I want to.

How can I trust him when he won't give me a reason to? He won't even tell me why he went to her in the first place! What was it that was (is?) so wrong with our marriage, with me, that he needed another woman?

I know what to say but don't know where to begin
The fear of losing you beneath my skin
Is there resolution for this pain that I'm in

When will this end?

It hurts so damn much. I can't think, I can't… I want to trust him, I want to love him… I do love him, but…

I'm scared. My marriage is slowly dying, falling apart, withering away. I'm losing the person that matters most to me, and I don't know how to change that.

There is nothing gone
But there's something wrong

So now here I sit, at the kitchen table, staring at my wedding rings sitting in front of me. Chase is in the living room, babbling happily at the TV. Marissa and Daniel are at friends' houses. And Andrew is due back at any moment.

What do I want?

The rings sparkle cheerfully at me, but do nothing to change my mood. A cold chill at my neck signifies Andrew's arrival, November wind sneaking into the house. He comes into view, and the smile dies as he sees the rings on the table.

"Sue?"

Now or never…


Waking up this morning
Thinking this can't be real
But they say there is nothing love can't heal
Why don't you come on down
So you can feel what I feel

Sitting all alone in this place
Even though we're here face to face
There is nothing gone
But there's something wrong

Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath
And you're making it hard to breathe
So take a look around and tell me what you see
You'll find me underneath

I know what to say but don't know where to begin
The fear of losing you beneath my skin
Is there resolution for this pain that I'm in

Sitting all alone in this place
Even though we're here face to face
There is nothing gone
But there's something wrong

Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath
And you're making it hard to breathe
So take a look around and tell me what you see
You'll find me underneath

If only you could feel what I dream
Maybe you could hear what I mean
There is nothing gone
But there's something missing

Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath
And you're making it hard to breathe
So take a look around and tell me what you see
You'll find me underneath

'Cause I'm stuck here underneath
And you're making it hard to breathe
So take a look around and tell me what you see
You'll find me underneath

End notes.

(1) Ehm… this takes place in New York, and operates under the idea that Sue took the job. This is 15 years later, she married a man she met there, and has been (more or less) happily married for 13 years.

(2) Believe it or not, I wasn't going to end it there. But I didn't know whether I wanted Sue to leave Andrew or not, if she was going to look up into his eyes and tell him she couldn't do it anymore, or smile and say she took her rings off to do housework, then just forgot about them, and was about to put them back on. Anyway, I couldn't decide, and when I wrote the "Now or never" line, it just felt right to leave it there. So I did. LOL

(3) Um… don't kill me for not having Sue with Jack, but I heard the song, and it screamed "write me" to me, so I did, and I figured you'd kill me more if I wrote that Jack cheated on Sue, than if I paired Sue with someone else and had him cheat on her g