Omoide Ga Ippai
Where's that box? I know they put his things in here after...what happened. Hopefully they're still up-to-date, I just don't want to spend money on text books. I think they'll let me use them, I know I recognized a couple of the ones on the list as ones he had.
...Here we go. Osamu's old text books. It's even written as such on the box.
I pull out a box cutter and, carefully, cut open the box. I don't know why I'm being so careful, I guess it's because it's still something of Osamu's after all. After I get it open, I shine a flashlight on each book and read the cover... ...Excellent, a lot of these I recognize from the list of books I'll need.
I start high school in three weeks, it's the same one Osamu attended (years early, of course). I-I figured I could save some money on text books and...Well, they might bring me some...good luck. ...It does feel weird to look through his old stuff. We put most of it away in a storage closet on our floor.
...I feel sad, looking through all of this. I knew it'd be a little weird, but...I didn't realize how emotional even looking through his text books would be.
...I miss you, Osamu. ...I still feel terrible about my... ...horrible wish. ...I know it's not what caused the accident, but... ...The idea that I even thought it...
...N-No, Ken, stop...Just stop! Stop thinking about that. Just...focus on the books. Focus on what's in front of you...
...And what's in front of me... ...isn't a text book. ...It's among text books but...
...I didn't know Osamu kept a journal. I even double check the cover.
Yeah, it's a journal, his name written on it in green marker. Obviously, it got mixed up in here. Maybe he hid it among his text books. I-I mean, anything this personal of his, Mom and Dad would have kept where they could find it. Some of his old toys from when he was a kid are...decorating their room, kind of. Some of his other, more personal possessions, too, are around the apartment. As a reminder.
...Would it be wrong of me to read this? I-I mean...It's Osamu's journal, obviously he never wanted anyone to read it but... ...Well... ...It would...be a look into my brother's head. ...And...It would help me remember things I may have forgotten over the years...
...A few weeks ago, my Mom told me a story about him and I when we were kids and...
...I didn't remember it. It...was something I should have remembered, but...I-I only had bits and pieces of it. I felt so terrible that I was actually forgetting Osamu. ...I...I even cried over it. I guess I felt like I was desecrating his memory... ...because I had no memory. ...That's...even worse, I think.
...Osamu, I'm sure you wanted to keep this private but... ...May I please look at it?
...I can just imagine what Daisuke would say if he were here. "Osamu, if you don't want Ken to read your journal, give us a sign!" Cue nothing after five seconds and he'd start flipping through it and looking for the juicy parts... It would be annoying and disrespectful but, given Daisuke's...Daisuke-ness, we'll call it, I would...probably have a chuckle and hate myself for it later. But not Daisuke...
...Daisuke... We kept in the closest touch after all these years, I talk to him so much more than the other Chosen Children. We're all still in contact and friends, of course, but... ...Daisuke's just special, let's say. Very, very special...
...It's obvious as to what I mean by that. And it's...not something I'm proud of acknowledging. I just try to ignore it and live a "normal" existence. That's...all I want right now. Nothing more...Anything more would scare the hell out of me.
A-anyway, there's been no sign from Osamu. I think...I have some reading ahead of me.
I finish looking for text books and take whatever I can find on my list of required books. Osamu had...nearly all of them. Thank you, Osamu... ...I hope you don't mind I'm taking these. ...And your journal.
I close the door to the storage area and carry my books back to the apartment. My Mom is waiting for me at the door. "...Find anything?" She asks, quietly...The subject of Osamu and her... ...if it's a memory, she's happy. If it's... ...a reminder that he's gone, she's sad. That sort of applies to all of us, actually, but she takes it really hard.
I nod. "Almost everything on the list, actually. I-I'll take them to my room and make sure they're all in good shape." ...Of course they're in good shape. Osamu treated his text books like they were blessed by the Emperor himself, I just...don't want to upset her any more. Or let her know what I found.
"R-Right," my Mom nods. "Tell me what he didn't have and we'll pick them up later this week."
I nod. "I will." I hurry to my room and put the text books, carefully, on my desk. I was tempted to throw them aside but... ...I know Osamu wouldn't approve of that.
I go to my bed and turn on a hanging lamp. ...This is it... Osamu, I...I hope you don't mind.
I really do feel weird looking at this. Like Osamu could walk into the room at any minute and shout at me for reading his journal. ...And, of course, he might just be watching this from beyond and saying to himself, "Ken, I'm very disappointed in you."
...That thought is almost enough for me not to do this...
But... ...I-I just...want to remember. Even if he wrote about the Digivice incident... I want to know what his thoughts were after that. And...just anything I may have forgotten. I...I don't want to forget anything else about Osamu. Ever.
I open the journal...
...The first few entries are just "what I did today" and some observations here and there. He makes a note about Mom driving him crazy while he was trying to study... ...Wait! I remember that day... ...Th-That was when Mom suddenly said, "Ken, want to go get ice cream? All you can eat!" ...I-I had...three huge cones, I almost got sick from eating so much. I-I didn't know why but...She said I could eat a ton of ice cream!
I-I can't believe what I'm reading! It was...Osamu's treat? He...He gave her money and said "treat Ken to ice cream for me." J-Just to get Mom out of the apartment! Ha ha ha... ...Thanks for the ice cream, Osamu. I-I can't...I can't believe I just read that...
Ken is the best Mom distraction out there. I hope he has a scoop of green tea ice cream for me. That actually sounds really good right now.
...I think I'll have one for you next time I'm at an ice cream parlor, Osamu. ...I...I remember, now, green tea ice cream was his favorite. Next to plum, I think. ...Yeah, that's right...He loved green tea ice cream and, sometimes, would get a scoop of green tea and a scoop of plum in the same bowl...He did that a lot, actually...
...I...I have to keep reading. I want to remember more...
Ken's friend, Ryou, came by today. Paid attention only to Ken as usual, I could barely get a word in. Unfortunately, I can't use ice cream to get rid of him, like Mom, since I just know Ryou would be more than happy to be the one to treat him instead of her. He'll do anything to make my little brother smile. I admire that about him, he cares a lot about Ken.
...He...wanted to get rid of me when Ryou came to visit?
I admit it, I'm jealous. Still, I get to watch from a distance. That's never boring. I'm sure they think I'm studying off in a corner, but I'm listening in and, whenever Ryou's back is turned, watching. I've read books on this but, to be able to study it first hand. Well, I never thought I'd be able to but that's how we all grow up. We assume we'll all be "normal." I'd rather not study normal, anyway. And first-hand experience is the best teacher.
...What is...Osamu writing about...? H-He couldn't be saying... Not that...!
I'm not ashamed of it. I don't want to tell anyone, of course, but I accepted it without any real concerns. I learned from it more than anything, it was nothing I feared. Especially since Ryou comes by so often to see Ken, I have my "daily requirement" let's say. Still, I want to get Ryou's attention. Not to steal Ken's friend away, I'd feel bad if I did that. Don't worry, Ken, I can share. I just want to get to know Ryou Akiyama a little better. That's all.
The...next few entries are like the others, just...listing what he did, the occasional observation or sarcastic line about our parents or his teachers.
...Then came...June twentieth.
Ken's gone with Mom and Dad to see family out of town. Gone for a week, lucky me. Ryou called to see if Ken was over. I told him, "Sure, stop by any time." Finally, I have my time with Ryou. He'll be disappointed that Ken's not here but I'll tell him why I wanted him alone when he gets here.
My heart is beating out of my chest, practically as I write this. And he's not expected for a few hours. I'm nervous and excited. I don't know how he'll react but, at this point, I need to tell him. If he doesn't approve, well, he'll still come by for Ken. He'd never abandon Ken. He'll avoid me but I can still view from afar. Things won't change too much, I guess. Though, if he told my parents I would be a little upset. However, I don't think they'd object too much. It's a small "blemish" to their "genius" son's reputation. And I'll just explain to them what I've read in numerous psychology and health books on the subject. "Text book" arguments never fail to win them over. As long as I cite my sources well.
Honestly, I'm getting sick of hearing the word "genius." I'm sure Ryou will drop that word a few times, I'll tell him I'd rather he didn't use it. Or even acknowledge it. As far as he's concerned...
...I'm a fool in love.
...A-A fool...in love...? ...O-Osamu... ...I-I can't...I can't believe this...
...Osamu...was gay... A-And...he was in love with Ryou? ...This is...
...I-I never ever suspected this...I-I never in a million years would have thought this about him...
Sh-Should I...read further? ...Did he...tell Ryou?
...I...I really want to know if he did. And how Ryou reacted... ...And if he...returned his feelings. I know Ryou didn't stop coming over, this was...long before we lost contact. ...So...What happened? And...why didn't I ever notice there was...something between them? Or a falling out?
Osamu, I...I'm shocked but...
...I-I wish...I wish he was here now... He could help me...so much... ...Th-This journal, actually, might just be the next best thing... I-I have to keep reading.
I flip to the next page, there's nothing else for the twentieth. The next entry is the twenty-first...
I hope...he didn't hate you, Osamu.
Ryou was upset that I lied to him about Ken. Not too upset because I had fixed him up an apology lunch. I didn't even know I could cook so well. When he asked me why I wanted to see him alone, I decided to just be blunt. I told him everything, I didn't use any euphemisms, I didn't "prepare" him with "I hope you can accept this, I can't change who I am" and all that nonsense. I just said, "I'm in love with you, Ryou. Hope you don't mind."
I might have been too blunt, he laughed and thought I was joking. When he saw I wasn't laughing, things got "interesting." I'll skip the useless detail, he was shocked and didn't know how to take the revelation. We talked for a long time about my feelings, about him, myself, Ken and...Just everything related to "Us."
Well, the "talk" went on until sunset and, well, I should have taken it as a good sign when he called home and said, "I'm going to stay over at the Ichijoujis' for the night." Needless to say, last night was the greatest night of my life. And, no, despite what the words "last night" imply, we didn't do that.
...Thank the Gods...For both the fact that Ryou, apparently, liked him back and... ...The fact I didn't... ...have to be, um, "traumatized" by details on Osamu's... ..."night life." I-I'm still going to be cautious about entries like that, though.
I did, however, wake up in his arms. We spent the night on my bed, kissing and holding each other as we talked. I've never felt like this before. Having feelings for him was one thing, but having Ryou return those feelings is an entirely new level of happiness. One I never knew existed. I'm in love and words cannot describe what I'm feeling.
I should stop, actually. I'm looking at what I just wrote and I feel that I'm starting to sound like some girl in high school who's dating the captain of the soccer team! My apologies, Journal, I don't want you treat you like one of those "boy diaries." I will, however, leave you with this: Ryou and I are going to keep it hidden as well as we can, we're only an item outside of the apartment. I would rather not risk my parents knowing. Ken? Well, I don't know how he'd take it but I can imagine if our parents didn't approve, they would be worried I was setting a bad example for him. I just feel that's what they'd say. Hopefully, I'm wrong and they wouldn't mind but, well, I'm told I'm good at reading people.
...Osamu, trust me, you... ...You didn't set an example. I didn't know and... ...Well...If you were here, let's just say you'd be ranting for hours about how "it IS genetic!" Probably turn it into a Nobel Prize winning thesis, knowing you.
...I-I feel better knowing this.
I can say, to myself at least, that Daisuke is...the Ryou to my Osamu. ...And I can't believe I just used that analogy. I-I've been so ashamed of that and now I find out that Osamu, my own brother, was not only gay but he...He wasn't ashamed, he wasn't scared he was...Osamu. He didn't let it define him, he just let it be a part of him.
I wish I could have had the same reaction. I was so afraid it would define me if people knew, or if I even admitted to it. I would be "Ken, the gay guy" among the group. I don't even like thinking about it. And, since I don't want to be away from Daisuke, I tend to think about it a lot because he's with me. I can't stop myself, all I can do is keep telling myself "we're just friends," but...
...I-I want to be more than that.
Osamu, please, help me...
I keep reading. A lot of it is details on his dates with Ryou. I-I never knew they were this close, ever. I-I never knew Ryou met him outside of the apartment! Though, I remember Osamu had a "study group" he'd go see a lot in the afternoon and on weekends...
...Was that Ryou?
I keep looking through, hoping to learn more about their relationship. I just start flipping pages, looking for any entry larger than a paragraph. There aren't many, it's a little frustrating.
...The...entries end... Oh, Gods...
...They end on the day before... ...the accident. His last entry is... ...just a list of what he did that day, like a lot of the others. The last thing Osamu ever wrote was... ...about his biology assignment taking longer than he thought it would to write. And how he was...looking forward to a science fair taking place the next week...
I...I think I'm going to cry...No, I know I'm going to cry.
They were...still together when it happened... ...Ryou, I'm so sorry.
I remember, now, Ryou took...the news so hard when I called him. I never heard him cry like that, not even with all we'd been through with Milleniumon. I-I didn't see him for almost a month after he found out, except...at Osamu's funeral. He was away from the crowd, keeping his distance. I saw him...crying. And, when he saw Osamu's picture the first time came to our apartment afterward...I remember how he broke down. I-I did, too, but... ...Now I know why Ryou did.
...I-I wish I still knew how to reach him. He's...been gone for a long time. After the Dark Seeds after we defeated Milleniumon. I-I often worry that...he's gone, too. He up and vanished. If...that's what happened, Ryou, and I pray it isn't but...If it is... ...I hope you're with Osamu, again.
I break down crying as I close the journal... ...I realize, also, that Osamu barely filled half of it. I can't stop crying once I notice that...
There's a knock on my door. My Mom waits moment before opening my door. "Ken...? What...What's wrong?"
"I-I...N-Nothing..." I try to hide the journal with my hands. "I was...just thinking about-"
"You...You found that journal...?" She whispers, I can hear the shock in her voice. And fear.
...She knew about it?
I wipe my eyes. "...Yeah, I found it. With the text books..."
"...I-I see..." She walks into my room and goes to my computer desk. "...How much did you read?" She sits down.
"...I-I read a lot of the beginning, then...flipped through to... ...the end. I-I didn't know...it went on that far...Or to...that day."
"...So, you know...about Ryou."
I nod. "...Yeah. Did you?"
"You...didn't read his...I think it was...December fifth? Th-That entry." Th-They knew...? ...Does this mean I don't have to worry about their reaction?
I mean, if Osamu was gay and they knew about it...
I shake my head. "N-No, after...they got together I...skimmed through it...I-I must have...skipped that page..." I flip through to find December fifth...
I came out. We both did. To my parents. We couldn't exactly deny things after what happened. I-I shouldn't have been so stupid. I picked the restaurant because my family had eatent there a few weeks ago and, well, I liked their food and thought Ryou would, too. I didn't know my parents were going to have a 'date night' there, too! My Dad had walked past us in a compromising position on his way to the bathroom. A kiss on the cheek, from me to Ryou. It was so embarrassing for all three of us. Ryou was scared out of his mind, of course. I wasn't so much, I planned for this day should it ever occur.
We discussed things at my parents' table, it was on the other side of the restaurant. I explained my position, that is was not a choice and that even if they forbid me to ever see Ryou again, I would find a way. I would disobey them until they either came around or gave up. I didn't really let them talk, I just laid out the ground rules: I loved Ryou and that would never change. We would be together forever.
...My heart...hurts so much when I read the words "together forever." That's...just salt in the wound. I let out a sob after reading it.
My Mom and Dad, actually, didn't fight our relationship. Though I could tell they didn't approve. They said, "okay." Just that. I was speechless, so was Ryou. There was more after that, of course. They didn't want Ken to know. He was "too young to know about things like this." It was a small price to be with Ryou. And I will tell Ken when he's older. I won't hide this from him forever. And neither will Ryou. For now, we're just the Ichijouji family's dirty little secrets. They won't try to stop us or change me. That's good enough for me. For now.
They...were ashamed...of Osamu? ...For this?
I look to my mother. "...Why did...you hide this?"
"...We...didn't want you to see your brother differently." My Mom says. "It's...not something we were proud of Osamu for."
"Not...proud of...Osamu?" ...Those are words I'd never thought I'd hear from my mother regarding Osamu Ichijouji of all people!
I'm proud of you, Osamu. Especially for this.
"W-We just...didn't think it was normal and...I didn't want him to set a bad example for you."
"...Mom, I never knew and...I doubt if I did, things would be any different." I'm...so mad right now. They kept this from me. My first best friend and my brother...Knowing this would...have helped me so much with these years of confusion and fear over my feelings for Daisuke.
Granted, she won't approve of what I'm about to say but screw it! I'm so angry right now...
...Prepare to be even less proud. I-I...I wish I had known this sooner, I wish I had known period! ...I've been going insane over Daisuke and... ...This is such a relief to learn about. Not my parents' feelings on the subject, obviously but...
...I guess it's comforting because I know Osamu would have approved. And that means so much to me to actually know that without any doubt. That Osamu would still see me as his little brother if he were still here. That he'd be able to help me with this.
"What do you mean?"
"I love Daisuke Motomiya. And I had no idea Osamu was gay." I say, bluntly.
"K-Ken?" I rarely ever see that level of shock on her face. The last time I saw it was when I said 'Mom, this is Wormmon. He's a Digital Monster from parallel dimension I once tried to conquer.'
"...I-I wish I knew...Just knowing this made me feel so much better..." I sigh. "You...You shouldn't have kept this from me..."
Before she can speak, I ask, "Are there other journals?" I have to know, I have to read them if there are. "Before this. I-I want to read them. I want to know more about Osamu. I-I've been forgetting things about him and... ...I don't want to forget my brother!" I...I'm trying not to cry. "Please."
My Mom gets up. "I...I'll get them. There are a few others. That one...just had the most on... ...that subject. K-Ken, are you sure you-"
"Completely...I just...haven't told him yet. And...I'm going to accept who I am. Like Osamu did. I can't change, just like he couldn't."
"...I see..." She...sounds disappointed. I don't care...They should never have kept this from me. They...thought I'd think less of Osamu because of this? N-Never, if anything... ...It tells me so much more about him. I want to know what he never told me! All of it!
...Thank you, Osamu. I'm not even close to upset that you loved Ryou. I'm glad you did. ...And that you shared. I-I really had no idea and I don't remember Ryou showing up any less than before. They kept it a secret so well...
...I...I need to do something now. Something I wish I had the courage to do a long time ago...
A couple days have passed since I read Osamu's journal. I've read the two others my parents kept in their room...It had some details on Osamu's realization of his orientation and his notes on the subject. I'm surprised they didn't become more accepting just from the notes and level of detail he went into.
Only Osamu would treat idea that he might be gay like a science experiment. It was almost like reading a text book in itself: Homosexuality 101 by Osamu Ichjijouji.
...I...have a new level of respect for him, now. Thank you, Osamu...So much.
My Dad tried to talk me out of "my confused feelings" for Daisuke... ...I did exactly what Osamu did, except for the..."together forever" portion (That hurts so much to think about, still) because...We're not togther...
...Yet. I'm...going to take the same risk Osamu did with Ryou. Except for setting. I'm making one slight alteration...
"So, what do you want, Daisuke?" I look to Daisuke, he's studying the dozens of ice cream flavors in front of him.
"I...I dunno, Ken...Thanks for the treat but... So many to choose from..."
I smile. "Get a huge bowl of everything you want, then. I'll split it with you." Anything to make Daisuke happy...And a big bowl of ice cream sounds good, anyway.
"Wh-What? For real?" Daisuke laughs, looking to me. I nod, smiling. "Th-Thanks, Ken!"
"Go nuts, Daisuke. They got a ten scoop sundae on the menu," I point to it.
Daisuke proceeds to order his sundae, eight flavors plus two I'm sure he knew I liked a lot. As the worker is about to make it, I add one item to our order. "Wait, one two scoop cup...Green tea and plum, please."
"I-I thought you...were going to split the sundae..." Daisuke trails off, looking to me.
"We will...This cup is for Osamu," I reply, and I'm surprised by how casually I say that.
"...Osamu...?" Daisuke whispers, surprised. I...rarely ever mention Osamu around him or any of the others.
I nod. "...I found one of his old journals the other day...Green tea and plum are his favorite. I want to have some for him."
Daisuke nods. "Dude, that's...Like deliciously noble of you." I laugh at his description of my tribute to Osamu.
I pay for the sundae and cup and we take them to a table once they're both finished. "...So, Ken, um... ...What's the deal? Not complaining but you just called and said 'Want ice cream?'"
I smile, looking into Daisuke's eyes as he starts on his sundae. I eat a little spoonful of green tea, saying with a smile, "I'm in love with you, Daisuke. Hope you don't mind."
Daisuke starts laughing.
...I'm...going to take that as a good sign.
Wish me luck, Osamu.
Original Author's (AKA Ori's) Notes:
The title means "Full of Memories," I thought it was kinda fitting.
I have no idea where the hell this came from, especially since I haven't really written an Adventure 02 fic since I started writing fics again (Believe doesn't count, it was pretty much finished and Taiki did a lot of work on it, too). Actually, I got one fic I'm playing with that's an Osamu POV and involves limps, canes and pain pills (for Osamu, not me!).
Anyway, as for this... ...I kinda wanted to do a Daiken fic. The old, old, old ones I wrote before were...Crap. Just crap. So, I decided to try a serious attempt at one. As for Osamu and Ryou... ...Sorry, Ryou, I know I said I didn't want to do another after Computer Repair (because, well, you KNOW how it's gonna end) but...Damn it, I'm just sorry, Ryou!
...I owe Ryou a happy fic, now. Great, first I owe a bunch to Takato (for Blasphemous Rumors - Taiki INSISTS on it), a bunch to Kenta (for leaving him alone\with a debatably straight Hirokazu half the time) and now Ryou (for having to follow 02's continuity and kill Osamu - For the record, if I wrote 02 I would've kept Osamu alive and given him a cane! That would be SO much worse for Ken in the long run, I think. I mean, think about it: A daily, limping reminder of his wish).
Anyway, Osamu is one of my favorite 02 characters, followed by Ken and Wormmon. Ichijoujis rule! I just thought Ken finding an old diary and finding out about Osamu's relationship with Ryou would be interesting... ...And the whole thing with his parents... ...Eh, I figured it'd work as a reason why he never knew about the diary or Osamu's relationship. And gave Ken a reason to be kinda pissed and decide to be bold and accept himself\tell Daisuke.
Hope you enjoyed!
I'm still waiting, Ori. I know you're going to do it. Come on, Osamu's in this one. You can never resist it!
Come now! You know you want to! I won't stop you, I can't stop you!
My God, it's true, you actually wrote a fic with Osamu (other than Believe) that does NOT contain those three infamous words (I won't say them as to avoid spoiling the tone of the fic). I'm so proud, Ori! You're letting Osamu rest in peace, finally!
I'd ask if that was a Christmas present for Osamu but Ori told me this isn't part of the December uploads. It's just an idea that wouldn't leave him alone. Three cheers for the slash muse, Osaryou and Daiken!