November 27, 2010

Kurt sat at his customary head of the table just briefly before giving way to Carole. Which he was actually happy to do. A year ago, Thanksgiving had been small and quiet and sad, but still sweet, with just he and his father. This year, the table was stretched to the limit with Finn and Rachel canoodling on one side, Carole in his old spot, his father slicing a turkey in the kitchen and then Kurt., and an empty chair. He knew who he wanted in that chair, more than anything.

He and Blaine had agreed to meet after dinner for dessert and coffee while the rest of their families slept off the meal or watched football. It made Kurt's heart flutter to think Blaine was ditching his beloved Buckeyes for him. Maybe tonight, he'd get up the courage to tell Blaine how he was feeling. Aside from being nervous about starting Dalton, which he hadn't even told Blaine about yet. But then he should tell him that too. Or maybe keep it a surprise and then judge his reaction.

But no, what he wanted to say was how Blaine's friendship, (Hell, that word, thought Kurt), had helped him get through Karofsky's latest stunt. Kurt pictured Karofsky sitting in a dark room, hatching a plot to murder him, or kidnap him, or just spend the rest of their lives chasing after him, kissing him then punching him, over and over. He shook himself out of the bad daydream when he caught Rachel watching him too closely and smiled his best smile at her. She had almost become a friend. Almost.

Thankfully, his father brought in the big turkey at that moment and everyone clapped, just like on bad old family-friendly TV shows. Burt knew his son well, and being that he and Carole weren't hugely religious, they decided to just ask everyone to say what they were thankful for. Rachel of course offered to go first. "I'm so glad to be here with all of you, and my amazing, talented, handsome," Kurt coughed. "Boyfriend," She finished. "And I'm so happy for both of you Mr. And Mrs. Hummel and thanks again so much for having me. For being gay guys, my Dads aren't the best cooks." Kurt smirked. He could cook. "But mostly, I'm just happy to see Kurt smiling again. Even though we'll miss him and he's the competition now and…" "So!" Finn interrupted

"I'm just really glad to have everyone I love here. My Mom, my Girlfriend, my new Dad…and my new brother. Kurt, I'm sorry you're leaving McKinley, but I know you know what's best for you and I want you to be safe and happy." Kurt smiled. His crush was long gone, and the love evolved. Funny how it did that. And honestly, Kurt drifted off for a minute as his Dad and Carole spoke…he was wishing so much that Blaine was here. He made to grab for his phone to text him when he realized they were waiting for him to speak.

"Well, uh, I…I love you all. Yes, even you Rachel. And I'm scared to go to a new school, but I was more scared than ever…where I was. So, I'm just…overcome that you guys" gesturing to Carole and Burt, "would do this for me. I'm thankful I have friends and a new brother to stand up for me. And come support me." He looked down as his phone buzzed and said smiling, almost whispering "and I'm thankful for Blaine."

Blaine was dressed to the teeth with his large family around a huge mahogany table. So many family members, he didn't even remember them all. He answered their questions and food requests jovially, but kept his phone open and in his lap under his napkin. He hadn't admitted it yet, not even to him directly, but Blaine was wishing he was with Kurt right now. Having a meal, laughing, feeding each other, holding hands under the table, leaning too closely…He realized he'd put his elbow in some stuffing and chuckled at his cousin's giggles across the table.

He was counting the seconds til he could escape and hop in the car and meet Kurt. Just to see those big blue eyes and hear that twinkling voice. It lifted Blaine's every thought. He felt himself flush thinking of Kurt thinking of him. But who knew if he was? They'd been so…friendly. He didn't want to push it, but he was feeling it, strongly, already. That monster at McKinely had messed up Kurt pretty bad on the inside, but Blaine was ready and VERY willing to help him and heal him and hold him…

Finally everyone had their servings and Blaine's father stood up to pray. This always made Blaine uncomfortable as a gay guy, not being overly religious for obvious reasons. But as his father droned on thanking buddah or allah or jesus or whoever, Blaine realized he was grateful. Thankful. Blessed. He'd found someone who made him feel alive. More than even singing did. Someone brave and yet fragile, just like himself. And he decided right then and there to lay it on Kurt tonight. Tell him exactly how he felt and even go so far as to say he would wait if Kurt wasn't ready, after all he'd been through.

Just before his father said "Amen," Blaine texted Kurt under his napkin. "So thankful that I met you. Hope you're having a great fam dinner and can't wait to see you!"

Dave hunched his shoulders at the table. He knew how badly he'd screwed up, they didn't need to keep rubbing it in. Talking about him putting a damper on the holiday. He was going back wasn't he? His father and mother had pulled all the strings they had, even though he knew his father didn't think he deserved it. But they didn't know why he was still acting so sulky and irritable. He'd barely slept, that much they knew. And he almost never ate. They caught him checking his profile and his waist a lot in the hall and bathroom mirrors.

His mother had forced him to come down for Thanksgiving at least. And even now, his own grandmother who loved him so much was almost glaring at him. Did she know too? Did they all know? No, they had no idea why he was really so mad. So sad. He was going back, and he'd have to face Hummel…Kurt again. He had fucked up over and over. He'd scared the poor kid so badly that he had ended up expelled by that crazed cheerleading coach. Everytime he had seen Kurt, he wanted to fold him in his arms and spirit him away from the people who neglected him. Dave wanted to take care of him and protect him.

And yet, when they got close and he saw the terror in Kurt's eyes and saw him trembling, he knew what he'd done. How badly he'd screwed up. How it was probably never going to work out. So he'd gotten angry and threatened the boy. Threatened the one person who he cared about impressing and being around. Hurt him so Dave wouldn't be the only one hurt that Kurt didn't watch him walk away and sigh happily. That Kurt wasn't waiting for him at his truck, or in the lunchroom or after class, or on the weekends at the door when Dave drove up. What was he going to do when he was around him again? Kurt was intoxicating. He was so cute and so much himself…but Dave couldn't be that. Oh, he wanted to be, he wasn't fool enough to deny that. But he was afraid and Kurt wasn't. So Kurt had gotten the brunt of his anger.

Dave didn't speak during the meal. He chewed slowly, thinking he should just let something choke him. No one would care. No one had ever cared. Even this latest mess was just an annoyance more than anything to his family. Kurt would care, he thought Sure, his conscience said back, if you hadn't threatened to kill him, and pushed him, or forced yourself on him. You loser, he thought. You scared, pathetic loser. No wonder he doesn't want your kisses. No wonder he's probably with that Preppy jerk right now, giving him kisses. Dave's kisses.

He slurped down his Gatorade and stood quickly. Putting his dish by the sink, he ignored his mother's gentle call to remember to rinse the plate off. He had to know what was going on with Kurt. Was this obsession? Maybe, but if he couldn't have Kurt, at least he could know if he was ok. He'd looked so terrified in the office. I deserve to die, thought Dave. He clicked on his computer and pulled up Facebook of all things. He found Kurt's page. His profile picture was a shot of himself and that girl Mercedes and the prep kid crammed into a self portrait obviously on a cell phone. Kurt was smiling. He was perfect. He'll never smile at me like that, Dave thought.

His anger reared its head as he looked at the dark haired boy, so cocky and self aware and with his arm around Kurt, pulling him close in the shot. "I hate you," Dave said out loud. But you hate yourself too, stupid. But crazy as he made him, in more ways than one, Dave couldn't hate Kurt, despite what he'd said to him before. Kurt was about the only thing Karofsky was thankful for. His smile, his pretty hair, his eyes, his cute taut little body just begging to be held and worshipped…

Dave shook his head and closed the computer. He had to face facts. He was going back to school Monday and he had to face Kurt and what he'd done to him. He wanted to believe more than anything that he could fix it still. That he could control himself and maybe…even be ok with what he was. He wanted to believe that it was possible, if he really, really worked and tried, that maybe, someday…Kurt would smile at him when he put his arm around him, like he did with that blue jacket kid in the picture.