A/N: Okay, so I swear I'm working on my other two Puckurt stories that are open right now, but this one came up and bit me on the ass, so it's going to happen. Damn you, fickle muse!

This started out as a one-shot, but I'm guessing it's morphed into a two-or-three-shot at most. Starts out Pizes (Puck/Lauren Zizes), but soon morphs into Puckurt, because it's me.

Posted 12/6/10

Chapter 1 – Seven Minutes in Pizes Heaven

Puck knew he shouldn't have stuck his neck out for glee club. It just pissed him off so bad that the one thing he loved about his life was about to crash and burn. Because of Karofsky. And what the hell was the hockey jock thinking trying out for and making the football team while Puck was in Juvie? That asshole should have stayed where he belonged and left Puck's boy Kurt alone.

Then none of this would have happened. Puck wouldn't have shit and blue water all over his shoes. He wouldn't be so infused with the overpowering chemical smell that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to smell anything else. He wouldn't be here, voice hoarse after hours of yelling, praying to any god who might listen.

He started out with the big G-d. The Jewish one that his nana prayed to and his mom invoked on him whenever Puck was too lazy to clean his room, or got someone pregnant. "God," he said, clasping his hands together and looking up (because fuck, no was he looking down), "if you get me out of this, I promise I'll start being nice to people." He wanted to leave it at that, but if there was anything Puck knew, it was himself, so he changed it to, "Jewish people. C'mon, dude. I've been trying really hard, getting better grades in Math, I haven't hit anyone since prison, and I swear, I've been trying to protect my glee teammates. I don't know why you took Kurt away from us, G-d. Was it because after everything he put up with from me and Karofsky and the other guys, he deserved to go to some sort of gay-heaven all boys' school?"

After waiting for and not getting an answer for a long, long time, Puck cried, "Fine! My promise still stands but I'm breaking that second commandment right now, you dick! Jesus, help me! Buddah! Allah! Satan!"

All of a sudden, like his prayers were being answered, the door above him rattled and then opened, letting in fresh autumn air and sunlight. Looking up, Puck saw a figure and while his eyes adjusted to the light, he almost thought it might be Kurt, coming back to forgive Puck for all the mean things he'd ever done. The glow behind the figure was intense, and maybe it wasn't Kurt, so he asked, "Are you an angel?"

But then, the figure leaned forward with a sneer on her face and Puck saw it was that fat chick, Lauren Zizes, saying, "Screw you."

What did Puck ever do to ... oh, yeah. Shit, she still remembered that? Despite how Puck figured she might just lock the door again, now that she knew who was in here, condemning him to more of this hellish torture, the girl stuck out a meaty hand as if to help him up. Yes!

"Thank you," he said sincerely as soon as he was back on solid ground. "You have no idea how awful that was!"

"Was it worse than getting a pee-balloon to the face?" she asked, lumbering away from him and back toward the school.

Puck didn't know what to do. This was the first person who had been halfway decent to him since he started hanging out with Artie and she hated him. She probably hated him almost as much as Kurt hated Karofsky. If Puck hadn't gotten Quinn pregnant and gotten his act together because of how he loved her, would he be the reason someone actually decent (if really damn gay or really damn fat) left the school? He couldn't have that on his conscience.

"Probably not," Puck admitted, hurrying to catch up with the girl. "And I'm really, really sorry about everything I've ever done to you." The girl didn't stop walking, but gave him a disbelieving look over her shoulder. "Seriously."


They walked in silence for a few moments, until Puck realized why he'd gotten up in front of the football team in the first place. "Hey, Lauren, can I ask you about something?"

"What is it, Puckerman?" she sighed. "Make it quick. You smell like ass and window cleaner."

"Well, we need another member for glee club, so we can compete in Sectionals this weekend," Puck told her, trying not to sound like too much of a wuss. "You'd totally be saving my life again if you'd help us out."

Lauren turned to face him for a moment and Puck gave her his best puppy-dog-in-need look. It worked, too, because she sighed and said as she continued walking down the hallway, "Here are my conditions: number one, a carton of Cadbury eggs. Good luck finding them, because they're not in season. Second," she said with a smile, stopping and turning to face Puck, "I want seven minutes in heaven..." Lauren then reached out and touched the exposed part of his chest, just under his throat, trailing her finger down an inch or two, "...with you."

Wait! The fat chick wanted to make out with him? Well, that was a given. But she seriously thought he would agree? They really were up a creek without a twelfth member for Sectionals. And no one else would join. Puck's ill-fated speech in the locker room had made that clear. He supposed he could think of this as community service for all the shit he'd done in the past. Yeah, that's it. Make it up to everyone, including Kurt, by doing this one slightly unpleasant thing for seven minutes.

Best community servicer ever, right?

Plus, he had the perfect idea for killing two birds with one stone. "Okay," he agreed, putting a hand on her giant elbow. "I know just the place."

"Ew, no!" Lauren cried, pulling her arm away. "Third condition - you go take a shower before we do this. You still smell like port-a-potty."

"Fine," Puck agreed, pissed because she wasn't the one who was supposed to be grossed out by him, but he guessed he could see her point. Or smell it. Hopefully he still had a change of clothes in his football locker. "Meet me outside the copy room during lunch."

Smiling so her pudgy cheeks squished up under her eyes, Lauren nodded, "It's a date."

So, it turned out Puck had clean everything, except for his sweatshirt and even after taking a hot shower, he was still shivering, so he had to put it back on. He was kind of surprised he didn't freeze to death, having to spend the whole night practically unprotected in November. Thank god for freak warm spells and his awesome constitution. Damn. What if he'd left Wheels in that toilet overnight last year? That dude would have kicked the bucket for sure. And then Puck would definitely still be in jail. And still be failing geometry.

As cleaned up as he was going to get and trying not to think too hard about what he was going to have to do to keep glee club going, Puck waited for Lauren Zizes outside the copier room. How sucky was it that the New Directions were going to have to compete with a sub in Kurt's place? Even if he was a girly dude, Kurt was still a dude and he made the whole team even boy/girl wise. Now there were too many girls for the whole thing to look right and Zizes probably couldn't even dance as well as Finn and everyone else would have to take up the slack to make sure they won and moved on to Regionals.

And if they couldn't, then Puck would have nothing left.

Well, maybe if he made this whole "seven minutes in heaven" ordeal extra awesome for the whale, she'd do anything he asked, including making a hard effort to help them win the competition.

Best am-badass-ador ever!

Eventually, Lauren showed up, a smile on her thick face, purple lipstick bright against her doughy skin. "Ready for this, Puckerman?"

Sighing, Puck replied, "As ready as I'm gonna get," and jiggled the handle to the locked copy room, popping it open and leading the way in. Nobody really noticed, but there was a locked supply closet on the far side of the room, and hardly anyone ever went in there. Puck used the same trick (which he'd picked up freshman year after Figgins confiscated his paintball gun) to open the closet door and gestured Lauren in first.

"Okay," he said, taking a deep breath and letting it out as he followed her and locked the door behind him, "seven minu-"

Puck's words were cut off when Lauren pushed him back against the closet door with so much force Puck thought he might have cracked a rib and holy crap she was going to kill him for realz! Except, those were lips against his, hard and demanding. Okay, so he wasn't going to die, yet. Puck was glad the light was off, because he didn't have to see the giant girl's hands all over him, or see that it was her he tentatively kissed back.

Hell, with it pitch black in here he could totally imagine she was someone else. Santana? No, Santana was too short. Brittany was almost as tall as this girl, except she was never this aggressive. Shit, where did this chick learn to kiss like this? It stole Puck's breath away and had him clutching at her head, not quite sure if he wanted Lauren to stop or to keep going. He felt like the girl in this little arrangement, pressed up against the door by someone not quite twice his weight. But that made Lauren the dude, didn't it? And with her long, soft hair (and wasn't she just wearing glasses?) and squishy chest which was pressed against his, she was pretty girly. Like a really girly dude. That thought made Puck picture the only girly dude he could think of – Kurt.

Suddenly, it was like Kurt was kissing him and Puck couldn't get the image out of his head, even when he opened his eyes, because there wasn't enough light to be sure that it was still Zizes. "Agh!" Puck cried when Kurt's hands found their way to his ass and squeezed. Shit, that was good. How come Puck had never made out with the girly dude while he was still here at McKinley?

Then, Puck was practically thrown across the room and he slammed into the wall on the far end. He only had enough time to draw half a heavy breath before that solid strength slammed into him again, all sweet-tasting lips and grabby hands. Puck tried to return the favor, but both his wrists were caught in one big hand and forced over his head. He could have fought back and pushed Kurt away, but Puck was so turned on that there was no way in hell he was going to do anything other than exactly what the dude wanted.

Suddenly, there was a hand down his pants, grabbing around and finding his dick, even as the other hand kept him pinned to the wall and those lips gnawed on his, tongue massaging just the right places. Puck's knees went a little weak and he struggled to keep himself upright when Kurt's hand tugged and tugged on Puck's junk, almost making the taller boy cry out.

No, this was Lauren he was making out with. Puck had to remember that. Even if she didn't feel much like a girl and she hadn't said anything since he'd closed the door. Even if the idea of Kurt doing these things to him was way hotter. Because there were lots of types that Puck liked, but he'd never really dug on fat chicks. No, it was way hotter to go back to picturing Kurt, who was just as tall as Lauren, but way skinnier. And he might not be quite as strong as this chick, but he'd certainly be strong enough to hold Puck up like this, kissing him and tugging on his cock and, "Holy shit!" Puck groaned against Lauren's lips as he blew his load, trying to curl in on himself but failing because of how she was pressed against him.

A few more hard kisses later, a beeping noise broke through the sounds of smacking lips and Puck valiantly trying to keep enough oxygen in his brain so he wouldn't pass out. Lauren wiped her hand on his abs and then pulled away, saying, "Seven minutes. Thanks, Puck."

When she let his wrists go after a final peck, Puck felt his legs turn to jelly and he slid down the wall until his ass hit the ground. "You're thanking me?" he asked in disbelief. "I should be the one thanking you!"

"I know," she said simply, finding the light switch next to the door and turning it on. "You gonna be alright there, tiger? 'Cause I gots me some lunch to catch up on."

"I'm good," he insisted, struggling back to his feet and trying to ignore the slimy-wet feeling in his pants and on his abs. Then, he remembered Lauren's other request and pointed to the shelves beside them. "There's your Eggs, Zizes."

The fat chick's eyes lit upon the box that had to have been sitting there since Easter, because Puck saw it every time he was in here, and her hand reached up to grab them, but then she seemed to think better of it and snatched her hand away again. "You gotta be the one to steal them, Puckerman," she said, nodding to the Cadbury Eggs with her chin. "That's the deal."

"Fine," he replied, wiggling a little and glad he'd actually worn underwear that day. Puck reached over and lifted the box off the shelf before handing it to the girl. She took them with a smirk and then left Puck alone.

God, she was such a badass.

It's too bad she was so … fat. Like if she was more Mercedes' size, even, he'd be all over that. It'd be even better if she were Tina-sized or Quinn-sized or … Kurt-sized. And Kurt-shaped.

But Kurt was gone and Schue said he wasn't coming back. Lauren wasn't going to stick around long enough for the club to win Regionals, Puck could tell that already. The New Directions needed that girly-dude back, but as long as Karofsky was around, Kurt wasn't. And after making out with a manly-girl, Puck really wanted to know how it would be making out with a girly-guy. Not that he was gay or anything. Not really.

Maybe Puck could arrange something. Like slipping laxatives into Karofsky's food every day or putting itching powder in his jock strap or getting the other guys from glee to help him put Karofsky in something way worse than a port-o-potty all night. Like Coach Sylvester's secret sex room or something. Yeah, no one who went in came out of there intact. Especially if the Coach found Karofsky up there. She'd be likely either to expel him or traumatize him and either would fit Puck's plans perfectly.

Yeah, so more to come soon. I think my favorite part of this chapter was Puck calling God a dick. It just seemed so horribly in character! I have the most fun writing his POV, I really do.

Anyways, tell me what you thought in review form, please!