Best Laid Plans by the darkness revealed
Summary: Wes is sure that his name will go down in history as The One Who Got Kurt and Blaine Together.
Disclaimer: It is with great sadness that I regret to inform you that Glee doesn't belong to me.
1) Kurt is still in WMHS in this fic
2) This fic contains all the necessary AVPM references
3) This fic is cracky and wacky and generally strange
Wes really hated the colour blue.
Normally, he had nothing against the colour blue—he thought it was a fine colour. His girlfriend's eyes were blue and so was his favourite flavour of jello. But ever since Blaine had met The Endearing Spy (AKA Kurt Hummel), all he'd talked about was him and his eyes.
"Seriously, Wes, you don't understand! They're so pretty! And they're not even blue! They're this gorgeous blue-green-grey colour, all pretty and sparkly. I looked up the colour and it said it was called 'glasz'. Isn't that amazing? It's totally awesome!"
And it wasn't just his eyes. Blaine talked about The Endearing Spy 24/7, about everything from the colour of skin—"all white and clear like a doll!"—to his hair. And quite frankly, Wes was sick of it.
After long, in-depth discussions with David, Wes had concluded that the only way to get Blaine to shut up about The Endearing Spy was to get him and said Endearing Spy to admit their latent homosexual feelings for each other and start dating.
"I need to get Blaine and Kurt to admit their latent homosexual feelings for each other and start dating," Wes told David bluntly, plopping down onto the couch next to him. "Any ideas?"
David blinked slowly. "Um…"
Wes sighed impatiently. He'd forgotten about David's inability to think properly before 10:00 am. Pulling out a chocolate bar, he thrust it at his friend. "Here. Eat this."
Wes watched his friend chew, observing how the light gradually entered his eyes again. By the time the wrapper was empty, David look capable of intelligent conversation.
"I need to get Blaine and Kurt to admit their latent homosexual feelings for each other and start dating," Wes repeated. "Any ideas?"
"Well," David said, "you could get Blaine to ask Kurt out."
"Nah," Wes snorted. "That's boring. I thought we could maybe take them to a carnival and get tickets to a hypnotist show! And the hypnotist could hypnotize them into going on a date, where they'll wake up and realize that they want to have lots of gay babies together!" He grinned at David triumphantly. "Well, what to do you think?"
David was gaping. "I think that's the stupidest idea I ever heard! No way will that ever work!"
Wes huffed, feeling miffed. "I'd like to see you come up with something as blatantly creative and brilliant as that!"
David shook his head. "Sometimes, I wonder what goes on in that brain of yours. Maybe you were dropped on the head as a kid?"
Wes ignored him. "I feel another idea coming," he whispered, eyes closed in concentration. "It's coming…coming…and…" He jumped up abruptly. "Puppets!" he yelled. "Puppets!" He sprinted off, leaving David sitting alone on the couch, bewildered and a bit worried.
Blaine smiled at Kurt, his hands clasped around a steaming coffee mug. "So, what's up?"
They were sitting in the café where he, Wes, and David had first taken Kurt. Kurt sat across from him, his eyes sparkling in the light of the lamp above their table. "Nothing much, I guess," he told Blaine, smiling slightly.
Blaine felt his smile widen in return. Kurt was just too cute. Picking up the cup, he took a small sip of his coffee.
"Oh, Kurt," came a voice. "I love you."
Blaine choked on his mouthful of liquid. Coughing, his eyes watering furiously, he looked over to see two handheld puppets that looked a lot like him and Kurt.
"Oh, Blaine!" said the smaller puppet in a high-pitched voice. "You're so handsome and amazing!"
"Marry me, Kurt!" said the dark-haired puppet. "Marry me now!"
"Oh, yes!" squealed the Kurt puppet. Flinging itself on the Blaine puppet, they proceeded to make loud kissing noises.
"Wes!" Blaine roared, jumping up. "You idiot!"
Laughing hysterically, Wes quickly fled, taking his puppets with him. Blaine watched him go, resisting the urge to run after him. He looked over to see Kurt sitting primly, his face a pretty pink colour.
"Sorry about that," Blaine sighed, sitting back down.
"Don't worry," Kurt smiled. "My friends are pretty strange too. Did I ever tell you about Rachel?"
Wes was very annoyed. Not only had his amazing plan not worked, now all Blaine talked about was how adorable Kurt was when he blushed. But Wes was not one to give up and soon he was back to work, cooking up more brilliant plans to get the two boys together.
After David had vetoed the 10-foot-tall-unicorn-ice-sculpture plan and the one-thousand-burning-candles-in-the-coffee-shop plan, Wes retired to his bed in a sulk, only to bolt upright in the middle of the night with his most brilliant idea yet. It was a work of genius, a delicate arrangement requiring plenty of preparation and a lot of sneaking about. But in the end, Wes managed to put it all together.
First, he got David to distract Kurt in the middle of one of Kurt's visits to Dalton. With Kurt's attention sufficiently diverted by David's impromptu juggling show, Wes stole Kurt's phone and took a look through his list of contacts, hitting on a likely looking name: Mercedes Jones. His instincts proved correct; as soon as he explained the dilemma to her, she was already giving helpful suggestions and cackling madly.
He found out from Mercedes that Kurt was absolutely terrified of spiders, which was why he was crouching outside Blaine's room, clutching a jar containing a large spider he had named Mary.
The plan was this: Wes would release Mary into the room, where Blaine and Kurt were chatting quietly. Kurt would catch sight of the spider and faint out of terror. Blaine would then kill the spider and wake up Kurt with a kiss, just like in Sleeping Beauty. Nothing could possibly go wrong!
Wes peeked into the room and was met with the sight of Kurt giggling at something Blaine had said. Carefully, he unscrewed the top of the jar and placed the spider on the floor. "Go, Mary!" he whispered, watching the spider creep its way into the room. "Go and fulfill your mission, my little one!"
Wes sat against the wall by the door, waiting with bated breath. He knew Mary was spotted when the quiet hum of conversation stopped and Blaine's voice was heard, asking "what's wrong, Kurt?" worriedly.
"S-spider," Kurt murmured, voice shaking.
Wes gave in and peered carefully into the room. Blaine was standing over Mary and clutching a shoe; Kurt was watching fearfully from on the bed. As Wes stared, Blaine slammed the shoe down on Mary, killing her in one blow. Wes winced and muttered a quick apology to the dead spider and then continued to watch expectantly. Any moment now, Blaine would turn to Kurt and bend over him and…
But Kurt hadn't even fainted.
Wes scowled in disgust; his plan ruined by one tiny detail! But he didn't give up; there was always the chance that Kurt would reward Blaine for his bravery with a kiss.
But it was not to be. Instead of kissing him, Kurt just thanked Blaine warmly and the pair went back to chatting cheerfully. Shaking his head in disgust at the two of them, Wes stood up and moved away, shoulders hanging.
David found him an hour later, curled up with a giant tub of ice-cream. Wes immediately started complaining to him, ending with a heartfelt "And Mary died in vain!"
"Wes," David said gently, "Mary was a spider, remember?"
Wes paused, the spoon halfway to his mouth. "Oh…right." He shrugged and stuck the spoon in his mouth anyway. "Any excuse for ice cream," he explained to an incredulous-looking David. "Want some?" He held up the tub invitingly. "It's mint chocolate chip."
David sighed and grabbed the proffered spoon. "Any excuse for ice cream," he agreed, and dug in.
After a good night's sleep, Wes was back in action. David entered the room they shared to find it covered in discarded papers with a maniac-looking Wes standing in the middle of it, staring fixedly at a marker board covered in complex-looking diagrams.
"Wes?" David said cautiously. "What are you doing?"
Wes whirled around, his face lighting up. "Great, you're just the guy I want! David, I need a list of the most romantic songs you know!"
David looked at him doubtfully yet nevertheless started listing song titles. "Um…Can You Feel the Love Tonight? Don't Go Breaking My Heart? Walking on Sunshine?"
Wes shook his head, frowning. "No, no, no! I need something drippy and romantic and cute…the kind of song that leaves with you with a stupid lovesick grin on your face, a song that—" he broke off abruptly. "Oh yes," he breathed. "I know just the one. Go away, David, I have to plan!" He flapped his arms imperiously at David who took the not-so-subtle hint and left.
Wes tugged the black turtleneck he was wearing down and peered into the room. Kurt and Blaine were chatting cozily by the crackling fire; outside, the wind blew noisily, causing the empty branches of the nearby tree to tap against the windowpanes.
Wes shivered and turned away. "All right," he muttered to himself. "Let's do this." He knelt and quietly pushed the CD player by his feet closer to the door and pressed play. Instantly, the strains of a catchy tune began playing. Wes grinned and carefully peeked into the room, eager to see his plan in action.
Kurt was giggling lightly at something Blaine had said when he abruptly paused. "Blaine?" he asked. "Is it just me or can you hear music?"
Blaine frowned in concentration and tilted his head. "Don't worry, you're not going crazy. I can hear it too."
"It sounds like…" Kurt paused. "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
Blaine grinned. "And so it is. I wonder who's playing it?"
Wes cursed silently. 'Sing!' he shouted in his head. 'SING!'
Luckily, Kurt was on the same wavelength as him. "I really can't stay," he sang along huskily.
Catching on, Blaine joined in. "Baby, it's cold outside."
"I've got to go away," Kurt continued, a smile beginning to curve his lips.
"Baby, it's cold outside," Blaine crooned.
Wes watched with a grin as they sang their way through the song, dancing their way around the room and openly flirting with each other. They ended the song on the couch together, shoulders touching and with similar smiles of enjoyment.
"Kurt," Blaine said, after a few seconds of silence. "I-" he trailed off.
'Go!' Wes silently urged. 'Say it!'
"Yes, Blaine?" Kurt asked, undercurrents of hope and excitement running through those simple words.
"I really—" Blaine cut himself with a sigh. "Never mind. Want to play chess in your room?"
Kurt smiled, though he looked disappointed. "Sure."
Wes took deep, calming breaths, his hands clutching hanks of his hair tightly. "Calm down," he muttered. "Calm down. It's not your fault those two are oblivious idiots. Now you are going to calmly walk away to your room and pretend nothing happened, without strangling them. Got it?" He took another deep breath and stood up.
"Oh, hey Wes," Kurt said. "What are you doing here?"
Wes' eyes widened and he cursed himself for losing track of the two boys. "Oh, nothing," he answered, thinking fast. "I just heard singing and came to check it out. Nice song, by the way."
Kurt smiled his thank you and moved away; Blaine however didn't look so convinced. Giving Wes a suspicious look, he nevertheless followed Kurt away without another word.
"Ok, what the heck is going on?" Blaine yelled, opening the door with a bang.
Wes squeaked and dropped the book he was holding; David merely looked up in surprise. "Wasn't me," he called. "Talk to him." He pointed at Wes, who shot him an angry look.
"Traitor," Wes hissed. "I'm never sharing my Red Vines with you again!"
Blaine stormed up to Wes' bed, his triangular eyebrows furrowed in anger. "Ok, Wes, explain yourself. Now."
Wes sat up. "Explain what, exactly?" he asked weakly.
"Nuh-uh." Blaine glared down at him stormily. "No way. You're not wiggling out of this one. Now put down that book and explain to me why you've been acting so strange lately. What was up with the puppets? And why were you hanging around when I killed that spider for Kurt? Don't forget that incident with the song. I saw that CD player, Wes, don't try to deny it. There better be a good explanation for all this because otherwise you are so gonna get it!"
Wes sighed. "I was just trying to…"
"What?" Blaine asked forcefully. "Tell me!"
"I was just trying to get you and Kurt to realize that you're in love with each other," Wes admitted.
Blaine gaped. "What? I-I'm not in love with Kurt!"
Wes crossed his arms. "Liar. Even an idiot could see that you are! You talk about him all the time; you're constantly on the phone with him; and you should see your face when you're around him! You look like a lovesick puppy."
Blaine slumped down on the corner of Wes' bed. "Am I really that obvious?"
Wes nodded along with David. "Yes," they said in unison.
Blaine sighed and moved a hand through his hair. "You're right. I'm in love with Kurt. What else is there to say?"
Wes grinned. "Oh, come on. Don't you want to take him out to dinner? Hold hands with him and skip your way through sunny fields? Throw him over the nearest available surface and have your wicked way with him?"
"Wes!" Blaine squawked, blushing a deep red. "I haven't even told him I like him!"
"So tell him," David said calmly from his desk.
"I can't!" Blaine said ashamedly. "I'm too nervous. What if he rejects me?"
"Blaine, trust me," David said. "Kurt won't reject you."
"Yeah," Wes added. "He looks at you the same way you look at him. The two of you are just too shy and oblivious to actually do something. So I—with David's help—have decided to give you that little push you need."
"I really appreciate it, guys," Blaine said, "But I can't help but be suspicious. Why are you being so helpful?"
"Blaine," David said wearily. "We're just sick of hearing you talk about Kurt all the time."
"And besides, we're your friends!" Wes grinned. "I've seen that Zefron poster in your room. So tell me, what would Zac Efron say at a time like this?"
Blaine stared questioningly.
"We're all in this together," Wes and David sang in unison.
Blaine beamed. "Thanks guys. You're the best!"
"We know," Wes said smugly. "Now, are you ready for another one of my amazing plans?"
"Everyone's staring at us," Wes murmured to David.
"I wonder why," David whispered back sarcastically. "Maybe it has to do with the fact that we're the only ones wearing uniforms!"
"Shush, guys!" Blaine hissed back at them. "I'm really nervous and you two are not helping!"
Wes scowled but nevertheless shut his mouth.
The trio continued walking down the halls of McKinley High, doing their best to ignore the curious glances thrown at them by passing students.
"There!" David said, pointing. "There he is!"
Blaine swallowed and fell back, allowing his two friends to lead the way over. Kurt glanced up and noticed them, his face instantly lighting up.
"Hey, guys!" He cried happily. "What are you doing here?" His face clouded with worry. "Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing's wrong," David said reassuringly.
"Yeah, we just felt dropping by," Wes said. "Oh, and this guy has something he wants to say to you." He indicated Blaine, who was standing awkwardly, hands twisting together.
Kurt smiled expectantly. "What is it, Blaine?"
Blaine shifted. "Um…can I talk to you in private?"
"Sure," Kurt said. "C'mon, this classroom is empty." He took Blaine's hand and led him into the nearby classroom.
Wes grinned triumphantly at David. The two snuck closer to the classroom, ready for some sneaky eavesdropping.
"Um…hello?" came a puzzled voice, and Wes turned around to see a well-dressed girl walking towards them. "You're from Dalton, right?"
Behind her, a mismatched group of teenagers watched them warily. The Asian Goth girl who was holding another Asian boy's hand shot the wheelchair guy a puzzled look, while the blonde cheerleader standing next to them just smiled vacantly.
"Yeah," Wes said. "I'm Wes, and this is David. You must be Mercedes. Kurt talks about you all the time."
Mercedes smiled. "Pleased to meet you. But why are you here? Is something wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," David said. "We're just staging an intervention of sorts. Now shush, I think Blaine's saying something!"
Wes tiptoed closer to the door and listened intently.
"I just wanted to let you know that—" Blaine's voice said.
"Yes?" came Kurt's voice, sounding eager.
"Wait, Blaine's here?" Mercedes asked. "What's he doing with Kurt?"
"We got sick of hearing Blaine moan about Kurt," Wes explained, "So we're finally getting him to—" He broke off. "Excuse me a second." Sticking his head inside the room, he bellowed, "Just kiss him already!" and retreated. "There," he said. "That should do it."
The McKinley kids were gaping at him. Ignoring them, he continued to listen intently. There was no sound from the classroom. Wes grinned.
This is a scene that didn't make it into the story. I actually quite like it, so here it is for your enjoyment.
This is a scene that didn't make it into the story. I actually quite like it, so here it is for your enjoyment.
Wes grinned. Finally, contact! "Oh, come on. Don't you want to take him out to dinner? Hold hands with him and skip your way through sunny fields? Throw him over the nearest available surface and have your wicked way with him?"
"I want to take him to Winnipeg," Blaine confided.
"That's in Canada," Wes told David helpfully.
"Why Winnipeg?" David asked, confused.
Blaine shrugged. "I don't know. The name just sounded cool."
This isn't just crack. THIS IS PURE INSANITY. I honestly don't know where this came from. Is my mind really this wacky and crazy? Oh gosh. *buries head in hands out of shame*
Let's play Spot the AVPM References! There aren't that many, though. I only managed to squish in two or three.
Don't forget to review!