Everybody Loves Stewie

Ep 2: Not on Hermione, You Bitch!

At Malfoy Manor, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger are captured and held hostage by Death Eater, Bellatrix Lestrange for information about what it is they're doing to stop Voldemort.

Bellatrix has Hermione pushed against the floor at her wits end from interrogating her.

"For the last time, pretty little piece of filth," she begins to say. "You tell me what I want to know, or things are going to get ugly."

"Never." Hermione begins to say with tears coming down her eyes. "I'll never tell you a thing."

"Have it your way then." Bellatrix says as she prepares to do her worst.

"I'd stop right there, Bellatrix." A voice calls out behind them.

She then turns to see a 1 year old with red overalls and a yellow shirt looking extremely angry.

"Stewie?" Bellatrix says in surprise. "You the hell let you in?"

"Oh, nobody let me in Bella. Nobody that wants to get the crap beat out of them that is." he says pulling out a white colored wand.

"Who's that?" he asks pointing towards Hermione.

"This? This is nothing but a filthy Mudblood who we captured." Bellatrix answers.

"I meant her name, you crazy bitch. Do you know what her name is? Hmm? Cause I sure do!"

"What do you want? Money? Protection? ...Milk?"

"Not from you, I don't. You spend all your Saturdays drowning your self at a local bar. No. What I want is you to let Hermione go along with everybody you're keeping down in that dungeon of yours, let us out the front door, and not tell "Big V" a freakin word about it."

"And what makes you think I'll do that?" Bellatrix says to him.

"Oh, nothing, nothing. Just THIS!"

He then throws his wand to the floor and punches Bellatrix dead on in the face!

She howls out in pain.

"Huh? You like that? Huh? Like how that feels, ya friggen nutjob?" he says continuing to beat her senseless with just his bare hands.

He then proceeds to kick her several times in the... uh, never mind, causing her to scream even louder.

She then falls to the floor in pain.


"Oh! I get it! Dog! Cause he can, ya know..."

"Shut up!"

He then pulls out a crowbar and beats her with it at least 7 times.

"You... are.. trash!" he says beating her with it. He then stops for a brief moment.

"And another thing, where's the money you owe me?"

"You're bringing this up now?"

"I want my damn money, Bellatrix!" he shouts at her.

"Okay, okay. Here." She says handing him 200 lbs. (Really don't know how British currency works, so I'm just playing it by ear.)

"What the hell is this?" Stewie asks her. "What is this?"

"It's … it's 200 lbs." She fearfully answers.

Stewie then responds to this by punching her in the face.

"You know I want my money in American currency, damn it! AMERICAN CURRENCY! How the hell am I supposed to buy Star Wars Force Unleashed 2 with 200 lbs?"

"Just buy it here in England..."

"I AM NOT BUYING IT IN ENGLAND! I was born in America and that's where I buy things!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Yeah, you're sorry now. Ya know what? I'm done with you. I'm just done with you, alright? You're lucky I don't Avada Kedarva your ass. Now lay there and die, you filthy Pro-Pureblood."

He then turns his attention towards her nephew Draco Malfoy who right now is scared out of his mind.

"Draco, do me a favor and go let everyone out of the dungeon right now please? And please make sure not to tell anybody about what went down here. Okay, buddy?"

"Yes sir." Draco responds immediately going to do just that.

He then turns around to see Hermione wide eyed at just what in the name of Merlin just happened.

"You need a hand Hermione?" Stewie asks nicely.

"Uh.. sure." She answers.

Stewie then helps her to her feet.

"Uhh... thank you... for saving me." She says not sure what to say.

"Well, I just didn't want Crazy McF**kerBitch to do anything to you. Nobody in this war deserves this really."

"What's your name by the way? You look familiar." She asks.

"Oh. Stewie. Stewie Griffin." he says shaking her hand.

"Stewie Griffi... Oh! That's right! You're on Family Guy, right?" She asks him.

"Oh! No way! You watch that show? That's so cool!"

"Yeah. I watch it every Sunday with my mum and dad. Really funny."

"Awesome! What's your favorite episode?" he asks her.

"Hmm. I have to say... Road to the Multiverse."

"Oh! Loved doing that. Remember that? Remember that song? "It's a wonderful day for pie! …. Don't … remember the other lyrics! Us-u-ally, I do. But now, don't got a clue. Later, look up on Google, oh man it's so co-ol. Right now, let's just sing, how that we both agree,

(Both at the same time)

"It's a wonderful day for pie!"

"Oh! I just love that song!" Stewie says with happiness.

"I know! Just so catchy!" Hermione agrees.

Just then, Draco along with Harry, Ron, Ollivander, Luna Lovegood and Dobby appear in the room.

"Thanks Draco. You're the best! Really sorry you had to see that whole mess there, hang in there though. Your parents love you and you're gonna get through this. Trust me, I know."

"Uhh... Thanks." Draco says.

"Oh yeah. Here's something for you." Stewie says handing him the 200 lbs. "Go buy yourself something nice like an I Phone or World of Warcraft account or whatever you kids are in to these days."

"Thanks!" Draco says with the first time I a long time, a smile on his face. "And I won't tell anybody."

"You're the best Draco. He really is. Okay, now there's something else... oh yeah! Dobby, for putting your life on the line to save your friends, you deserve something special."

"Really? Oh, thank you, Master Stewie! Thanks You! ….What is it?"

"I don't know yet. Something no Elf ever got the privilege to... I know just the thing." He says with a snap of his fingers as he heads over to Bellatrix lying down in a corner.

"Give me THAT." He says coldly as he takes her wand from her and hands it to Dobby.

"Here ya go, Dobbster. Have fun with it and make sure to spray some Clorox on that real good before you use it... I'm taking A LOT of Clorox, man."

"Will do. Thanks again, sir"

"s what I do!"

He think quickly remembers something important.

"Oh yeah! Almost forgot! Draco, I really hate to say this, but do you mind giving Harry your wand?"

"Okay. Why?"

"Well, his got broken and he needs a new one, and let's just say he REALLY needs yours. And don't worry bout finding a replacement cause I got it covered."

Stewie then pulls from his cloak another white wand identical to his.

"Where do you get those things?" Ron asks in amazement.

"I make them actually. White Birch with Griffin feather core."

"Griffin feath..." Hermione begins.

"YES. Griffin feather. I know." Stewie answers.

Draco then comes face to face with Harry for a second.

"Look, about what's happened with us over the years... I just want to say that..." Draco says. "...I'm sorry. I've seen the light of how Pro-Purebloodism is and want nothing more to put an end to this."

"Okay Draco. I forgive you." Harry says taking his wand and shaking his hand afterwords.

"Oh! I like that. That's great! Enemies become friends. Just like Goku and Vegeta." Stewie says happily.

"Who?" Everyone except Hermione says.

"Oh, never mind!"

He then hands Draco his new wand.

"Ok DobbMister, Do you thang and take us home, Draco, hang in there. You'll be fine, and Bellatrix, F**k you and rot in hell and tell "Big V" he can "suck my Slytherin." he says flipping her off. "Beam us up, Dobby!"

They then all instantly disappear leaving Draco and Bellatrix alone in the room.

He then proceeds toward the door out.

"Where do you think YOU'RE going?" Bellatrix says to her nephew.

"Out to by a WOW account. Cataclysm, here I come!" He says excitably as he heads out leaving her alone in the corner.

"I hate my life."

Stewie and the others Apparate outside Bill and Fleur's Seaside Cottage.

"Well we made it!" Stewie says happily. "And not a knife in Dobby in sight!"

"WHAT?" Harry shouts worriedly.

"Uh.. never mind! Never mind!"

They all then walk down the beach to the cottage.

"By the way Stewie, Thanks for saving Hermione back there." Harry thanks.

"Yeah," Ron begins "I was gettin worried when I heard the loud screaming upstairs and feared the worst. It almost sounded like a drunk banshee vomiting."

"Now now, there's no need to talk about Amy Whinehouse like that. I'm sure she would help it if she could."

Stewie says while Harry and Ron just shrug.

"By the way Ron, You ever hear of the song "It's a Wonderful Day for Pie?"


"You suck."

End of Book. This is a sequel to the book Anybody Got a Problem With That? New thing I'm trying out. Basicly, it revoles around Stewie going to worlds, meeting villians there and, well... beating them senseless. Let me know what you guys think. Also for Ep 3, who would you like to see Stewie beat up next? Plankton from Spongebob, or Xemnas from Kingdom Hearts 2? Let me know. Hope you like it and keep a watch out for more stuff. R.I.P Dobby and F**k you Bellatrix! Adios!