Disclaimer: All recognizable SVU Characters belong to Dick Wolf
"It was always temporary…"
Elliot's voice sounded distant though his lips were close to her ear, the arm he held around her waist seemed an immovable barrier between her and the door. Olivia didn't try to escape it, though the every atom of her being yearned to. More than anything, the normally calm and reasonable detective, wanted to bolt out of the door after Calvin, forgetting and ignoring the law, forgetting reason, forgetting herself. At that moment she knew the only thing stopping her was Eliot's firm but gentle grasp, that and the fact that she could barely breath. Olivia felt as though the very life was being sucked out of her as Calvin's frantic cries for her faded down the hall. Everything seemed a blur.
Olivia had no Idea how long she stood there, what had felt like an eternity must have only been a minute or so, because as the initial shock of what had just happened faded off she became aware of her partner still standing close behind her.
"… I'm fine, El" The attractive brunette finally managed, her voice weak but steady as she ran a hand though her hair.
"Liv, I'm sorry… But we knew this would happen eventually." His voice was sympathetic but a tad impatient (after all he had warned her not to get attached) it was of no comfort to her.
"Yeah, I know." Olivia broke away from Eliot and grabbed her coat, heading out the door without so much as looking at him. She didn't expect him to understand, but a lecture would be intolerable.
"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute." He followed after her "Olivia, I can call the ADA. You can get to work on an appeal, if that's what you want."
"What's the use!" She turned to face him then, her tone betraying her anger, her glistening eyes betraying her pain. Seeing her partner's bewildered expression she checked herself as best she could. "The paper work wouldn't be reviewed until Monday…" Olivia measured her words, it took every ounce of will to think, to speak, to not fall apart. There was a big difference between crying and breaking down, Olivia didn't like doing either if she could help it, and though Elliot had seen her cry more than once over the last ten years, breaking down in front of him was out of the question. "It's 8pm, I'm not thinking straight, I need to get out of here."
"Do you want to go for drinks?" Eliot used his arm to keep the elevator door from shutting behind her as she stepped in.
"No. Thanks. I'm just going to go home."
"Olivia I really don't think you should be alone…"
"Eliot, I can take care of myself." She nodded him off sharply, and he stepped back from the door.
As the elevator shut Olivia sank back against the wall. She didn't know if she believed that. But Elliot couldn't help her now, he wasn't what she needed… She didn't feel sure of herself just now. She dreaded the walk home, the empty apartment that waited for her. It wouldn't be bearable without Calvin there. Hitting the Stop button on elevator Olivia slid to the floor. For the first time in years the weight of her own pain was far too much to bear. She had no one, besides Eliot, and as close as they were, even he could never truly understand her. She had just lost the only son she had ever known, the only real family she has ever known… There was of course an exception, but even she was gone now.
"…Alex." Olivia covered her mouth to stifle a sob but it was to late. Hearing the familiar name own her own lips broke the detective and she dissolved into a trembling mass of tears, there on the elevator floor.
A half-hour later Olivia unlocked the door to her apartment. Her mini-meltdown had minorly restored her resolve to make it through the night, at least, and she took a calming breath as she stepped through the door. Doing her best to push Calvin out of her mind, Olivia looked around. The boy had only been in her care for a short time, so the apartment had few reminders of him. Indeed, it looked almost exactly as it had before Calvin had lived in it too. Though that didn't seem to help the fact that it felt emptier and quieter than it ever had before. Olivia left her coat and keys on the sofa and went to her bedroom to change.
Of course, the moment she turned on her bedside-side lap, the first two things it illuminated where the pictures on her nightstand. One of herself and Calvin, taken just the day before, the other picture was the most recent one she had taken of Alex: The normally serious, former ADA, wore a playfully coy smile and was giving the camera, or rather, the photographer a mischievous wink. Olivia felt her heart swell for a moment and a smile parted her lips, and then her chest tightened as if to stop it from beating. She felt a lump in her throat, and quickly turned away from the pictures. Going to her dresser she un-holstered her gun, placing it, her radio, badge, and cuffs out in front of her. Olivia normally put all of her essentials on the night for immediate access, but as she could not stand to be near it right now, her dresser would have to do. Looking down at her police issue Olivia Benson felt so far from being the calm and collected SVU Officer that her own things seemed strange to her. She eyed her service revolver, picked it up and emptied the clip in her hand. Then after a moment let t drop and held the gun out in front of her, in both hands. Her arms locked she lowered her head and cocked her gun aiming deftly at the woman aiming back at her in the dresser mirror.
-Click- Olivia pulled the trigger, but her reflection stayed in tact.
After a moment her hands started to tremble and he lowered her weapon. Watching herself in the mirror she picked the clip up from where it had fallen and reload. She swallowed hard and placed the gun back on the dresser. Though Olivia felt as though she was about to go off the deep end she was never the less sane enough to realize it. She left her things were they were and left the room. Never mind changing, she needed a drink.
Olivia rushed to the kitchen and poured herself a couple shots of whisky. She tossed them back eagerly, it had been a while since she had had a drink and the warmth of the liquor washing down her throat soothed her… Then it caught her eye: The painting that Calvin had made for her, pinned to the fridge, and signed Calvin Benson.
Before she was even sure where she was going Olivia had grabbed her keys and fled the apartment. She couldn't take it any more, she had to get out of there, she had to go somewhere, she had to escape, and there must be somewhere.
She hailed a cab and got in.
"Where too Ma'am?"
Olivia wanted to go home. No, not to this empty apartment, but to some place that might actually feel like home… But where was that?
"… Upper East" She said without thinking. Then she knew. "172 Hillcrest Park, please" No one would be at the mansion now, but the Cabot family home was the only place Olivia wanted to be just now.
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