This originated from reading the sporking journal Das Sporking, from a post by Lisaerin: community .livejournal das_sporking / 136344. html. The original is a list comparing the Insultingly Normal Heterosexual Gentleman to St. Edward Cullen of the Incomparably Laughable Sparkle with the intent of explaining why the latter is a co-dependent stalk...I mean, more perfecter than mortal boys.

Summary: Two Evil Wizards, the canon love interest, and Tiax comment upon who makes for the best boyfriend...compared to the sparkly vampire Edward Cullen and a supposedly normal bloke. Parody, one shot.

Disclaimer: Twilight definitely isn't mine, I haven't even read it outside sporkings. Baldur's Gate isn't mine, and neither are game quotes used. Insulting assumptions in the original material are also not mine.

A normal guy would say: "I love you Baby!"

Edward Cullen would say: "You are my life now."

Xzar would say: "If you die, I'll reanimate you."

Edwin would say: "Of course you love me, I've left hundreds of concubines gasping under my erotic onslaught."

Anomen would say: "Come to me. I shall remove my too-worn armour and I shall show you the love that I hold for you. All tenths of an inch of it." (Author apologises and disclaims a liking for Anomen.)

Tiax would say: "Thou shalt be the chief concubine of Tiax, for Cyric has destined it to be so!"

A normal guy would say: "I think am falling for you."

Edward Cullen would say: "The Lion fell in Love with the Lamb."

Xzar would say: "I like the shape of your skull."

Edwin would say: "Your company is refreshing but I am surprised I find it so. Also, I am a pervy halfling fancier."

Anomen would say: "Since my mother's death, my father has been the force against which I have always struggled to prove myself...an invisible cancer which I cannot vanquish."

Tiax would say: "Tiax is impressed with your conduct! You are worthy to sit at the feet of the great Tiax after his ascension!"

A normal guy would say: "Your hair looks like a haystack...go brush it!"

Edward Cullen would say: "Your hair looks like haystack...but I like it."

Xzar would say: "Did you know that hair doesn't really grow after death, it only looks that way because the skin of the scalp dries and recedes?"

Edwin would say: "You appear the chimp you are, go pluck some fleas and groom yourself."

Anomen would say: "You are a dark flame, my lady, that I am drawn to almost against my will."

Tiax would say: "Your hair looks like a soggy monkey-spanker! When Tiax rules, Tiax will have a thousand beauticians upon call to aid you!"

A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.

Edward Cullen would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.

Xzar would animate you a zombie barbershop quartet. It's the thought that counts.

Edwin would employ a bard to write a song dedicated to his life and achievements.

Anomen would write you poetry about crimson rhodelias.

Tiax will include you in at least one of the hymns to his greatness when he rules.

If you died a normal guy would find another.

If you died Edward Cullen would kill himself 'cause life without you isn't worth living.

If you died Xzar could fix that.

If you died Edwin would hire a three-gold prostitute.

If you died Anomen would die a virgin.

If you died Tiax would blast you for escaping the inevitable rule of Tiax.

As you left the house a normal guy would say: "Bye...See ya!"

As you left the house Edward Cullen would say: "Come back to me, love."

As you left the house Xzar would say: "You have proven unsympathetic to my interests and I look forward to eventually owning a charming little ashtray made from your skull."

As you left the house Edwin would say: "You would cast me aside yet again? Do not press me further!"

As you left the house Anomen would say: "Let us continue on our journey, my lady."

As you left the house Tiax would say: "Do as ye will, but 'tis for naught! Tiax must rule!"

As you come back to the house a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn't even notice.

As you come back to the house Edward Cullen would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.

As you come back to the house Xzar would be performing necromantic experiments and...all right, wouldn't even notice.

As you come back to the house Edwin would be welcoming you by hiding the three-gold prostitute in the wardrobe.

As you come back to the house Anomen would be welcoming you by asking for advice on how to live his life.

As you come back to the house Tiax would explain how it was all part of Cyric's plan for him to rule.

A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.

Edward Cullen would make you breakfast everyday.

Xzar would make you breakfast but you wouldn't want to ask what went into it.

Edwin thinks that's what owning slaves is for.

Anomen would make you healthy and tasteless porridge for breakfast. Bacon is an indulgent sin under Helm.

Tiax would let you make him breakfast and claim that it was his favour to you for his rulership.

While you were both out for dinner a normal guy wouldn't keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.

Edward Cullen wouldn't even notice the waitress was a female.

Xzar would notice that the waitress would make a good animated corpse.

Edwina would remember being a sexy waitress.

Anomen would condemn the waitress for working in a cesspool of corruption.

Tiax would give the waitress some helpful witnessing tracts on the truth of Cyric and the inevitability of his rule. See them for yourself at chick . com!

A normal guy while driving would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.

Edward Cullen while driving would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.

Xzar while driving would keep two hands on the wheel and two hands attached to yours. It's up to you which two.

Edwin would think that's what chauffeur slaves are for, again.

Anomen while driving would keep both hands on the wheel and remind you to put a seatbelt on because it's the law.

Tiax while driving would follow the route that Cyric outlined to him. Even if it appeared to be directly off a cliff.

While far apart in different places a normal guy would say: "I miss you."

While far apart in different places Edward Cullen would say: "It's like you have taken half of myself with you."

While far apart in different places Xzar would say: "Would you like to take half of my favourite zombie with you?"

While far apart in different places Edwin would say: "I will wait here, but I am not a patient man."

While far apart in different places Anomen would say: "We have done well together, and I should like to rejoin when you change your mind."

While far apart in different places Tiax would say: "You shall, of course, meet the Great Tiax again, at which point I will make my grand ascension and appoint you to your rightful place as chief concubine and whipper of the slaves and faithless."

A normal guy wouldn't care or notice if you had nightmares.

Edward Cullen would sing until your nightmares went away.

Xzar...probably has nightmares himself. :( It's not easy being a mad Zhent!

Edwin would magic a pillow over your head if you had nightmares.

Anomen would tell you about his father issues if you had nightmares.

Tiax would be happy to give you nightmares.

A normal guy does it with everyone.

Edward Cullen only does it with one.

Xzar does it with...oh, you knew there was going to be a necrophilia joke somewhere.

Edwin does it with gasping concubines.

Anomen only does it with female Bhaalspawn who tell him what to do.

The great Tiax will have hundreds...nay, the great Tiax will have THOUSANDS...of wives and concubines, each, to do it with when he rules.

A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.

Edward Cullen buys you a car.

Xzar makes you undead abominations he reanimated all by himself.

Edwin buys you a golden statue of himself.

Anomen buys you flowers and armour polish.

Tiax buys you a shiny new Maztica when he rules.

A normal guy can help a normal girl to stake a vampire pestering them.

Edward Cullen doesn't like being staked.

Xzar can cast Control Undead.

Edward Cullen doesn't like being an undead minion to an insane necromancer.

Edwin can cast Fireball. Twenty-eight times.

Edward Cullen doesn't like being sparkly charcoal.

Anomen can cast Turn Undead.

Edward Cullen doesn't like instantly turning into sparkly dust.

Tiax calls all creatures undead and otherwise to bow before the will of Tiax.

Edward Cullen notices that Tiax is an evil cleric with Turn Undead.