I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.
Chapter 1: No, See, I Specifically Ordered Russia
((Joyful Note: This is a fan fiction based off of the manuals of 'Lollidictator' for Hetalia character "Units". I know I'm not the first to write a fanfic based off these, far from it in fact, but what I've noticed is that everyone can come across one of these units, even in a similar way, and take a slightly different approach to it. So I'm going to try my own. Why? Because I can. *puts on sunglasses* Deal with it.))
I had never thought to question what exactly a 'Unit' was. All I knew was that it was Hetalia merchandise and goddamn it, if it came from that godsend of an anime I was going to own it. I was merely surfing Amazondotcom and low and behold I discovered this lovely alcove of advertisements for Hetalia 'Units'. There was a nice selection available to choose from, with a promise of future releases. They listed Canada, Switzerland, South Korea, China, Prussia (both male and female versions of that no less!), North Italy, England and... Russia. Oh god Russia.
Now obviously you'll have to understand something about me before you'll understand why Russia is my number one fictional character crush in Hetalia. You see, I'm a bit... ah... most of those fan fictions I mentioned reading? I tend to look up Russia centered fics for a reason, usually ones involving him... raping... and such and like. Toward other men true, but the idea of Ivan Braginski bursting into my home and tying me up, stripping me down, and taking me in the most violent of...
Well anyway, the point is, I'm a freak, those 'kolkolkol's turn me on like nobody's business, and if I was asked to become one with Mother Russia you couldn't get me to the bedroom fast enough. But enough about my perversions, for the moment let me continue with how I got into this situation. Yes the one where my cat has a bird in her mouth and the personification of Prussia is trying to strangle me while I tug it out, what else could I possibly mean? Geez.
So there I am, sitting at the computer and frantically going through the ordering information so that I could purchase Ivan. I assumed it was some sort of robot doll or whatever, a sex toy right? They could do some awesome shit with technology these days. And when one is twenty eight, single, and living in a huge house with four pets and enough royalties to feed her sexual perversions for fictional characters and yaoi for years, I was definitely in need of something willing to satisfy my womanly needs and in the shape of something I found sexy. And Ivan totally fit the bill here. Oh, why do I have enough royalties for that? I'm an author! I know, you're questioning how I'm an author when my writing is the quality you see before you. Well hello, have you read Twilight? The trick is in knowing what appeals to preteen girls and I am proud to say I've figured that out, but more on that later I think. And when I say I have enough royalties I mean... well enough to support myself, my dogs and cats, and feed my collections of anime merchandise. I never went anywhere or did anything I just kind of... stayed inside... no I am not a recluse! I just don't like real people, is that so wrong?
Anyway. How this happened. Right. So for the next two weeks waiting for the damn thing to ship, I was completely on edge and ready to die from the thrill and excitement. I hadn't been this hyped since I ordered the complete series box set of Black Butler in the mail. (And damn is that Sebastian fine piece of demon ass let me tell you!)
Still, time passed slowly. I would type leisurely on my keyboard for a few hours a day trying to finish my latest young adult novel. I'd eat snack foods, careless of my waistline that I'll admit was sporting a bit of a proud gut at the moment. I'd take my dogs Bandit and Dudley out in the backyard (it was fairly large, and covered in snow. Damn snow, it was so cold and wet) and cuddle them in front of the TV afterwards. I'd stroke my cats, Kelly and Coco. (Coco was sporting a pretty proud gut herself! We were buddies in the pudgy front I guess) And, naturally, every chance I got I was sitting in front of the window, staring past the tree branches to my rarely used driveway. I lived in the middle of nowhere really, out in the hills of Ontario. I had to get an electric fence put up to keep bears and prowlers out, but it was worth it for the quiet and privacy. No, I'm not a recluse, I just value my privacy. And my life. Hey I might fantasize over rough sex, but I don't want to die alright! Cities are scary, suburbs aren't much better so... well whatever.
At any rate, when at last I heard the doorbell ring (I'd been putting dishes into the dishwater at the time and missed seeing the delivery van pull up I guess) I grinned and rushed over from the kitchen adjacent to the front hall to yank open my front door. Immediately I was hit by a wall of blowing snow that left me drenched and shivering, but I didn't care too much. Standing before me was a delivery man. Just down my front steps behind him was a rather large crate. My attention was held by this (after I'd frantically taken off my wet thick rimmed glasses and wiped the snow off), and I didn't take much note of the delivery man's appearance at all. I did however take the clipboard he handed me and wrote my signature declaring that I had received my shipment and took the small stapled stack of papers he handed me as he went back to get the crate into my house. He seemed to be having difficulty on the icy steps but I really didn't bother helping him. This was his job right? Not everyone could be as great as me with my cushy way of living but he must've chosen it right? So he can deal with the consequences. I took a look at the manual cover while he was grunting under the strain of lifting the thing.
The cover read: GILBERT BEILLSCHMIDT: User Guide and Manual
"Uh, hang on a minute bub. I didn't order a Prussia Unit, I ordered Russia. No P. What the hell is this?" I pointed to the name and glared at the delivery man, taking in his appearance for the first time. He wore a dark blue uniform and hat, noticeably drenched from the melting snow inside my toasty warm house. I always cranked the thermostat so I could wear my t-shirts; I hated the feeling of sweaters, so suffocating! Apart from the uniform, the guy looked... decent I guessed. As decent as real guys got anyway. He was a bit short, around my height and I was only 5.5ft, but he had nice eyes, some sort of clear icy blue. Nose was a bit crooked though. His hair was greasy too. So gross. He looked slightly harassed as well when he answered.
"W-what? Wrong order? Urg..." he leaned against the box he'd finally managed to get inside and rubbed his temple furiously, "Okay, that's really not my department. I'm just delivery. I think you'd better call the company if you want a replacement, and the delivery person will take this one away when they send it. But you can't have opened it already when you do, I'm serious." His eyes were suddenly very serious. I frowned, but shrugged.
"Sure whatever. I'm not interested in this Prussia thing anyway. He's an arrogant bitch, why would I want him? Now if you're not going to be any more help I suggest you get the fuck out my house before I sic my dogs on you." Never mind that my dogs were a little black yorkie-poo and an only somewhat bigger beige and white shih-Tzu, and never mind that I had left them in the backyard to their own devices while I had made lunch and sort of maybe forgot to let them back in.
The delivery man gave me an irritated look and rolled his eyes before stomping back into the snowdrift muttering something about me being a bitch. Oh well, he was just some ugly delivery man with kind of nice eyes, so what did I care?
Once I'd shut the front door to the cold, I walked by the box without another glance toward my back door. My pups were shaking on the other side of the glass panel, and I slid it open. They tumbled inside and barked at my feet, wagging their tails.
"Aw, aren't you guys just too cute! Yes you can have a treat!" I giggled and went back to the kitchen, noticing I was still holding the Prussia manual. I tossed it onto the counter and pulled out a couple of dog treats from a glass jar and handed them to my sweet puppies. They took them happily and scampered off to chow down in peace. I giggled again. So precious.
Speaking of precious, I noticed that Kelly, my adorable grey tabby cat, had sprung onto the counter and was batting curiously at the manual. I gave her head a friendly stroke and revealed in her purring. I picked up the manual and went to sit at my kitchen table (pushing my chubby kitty Coco out of the seat, she looked indignant). I was disappointed from my lack of Ivan, and if anything had the phone number for the company responsible for handling my purchase of sex toys in the shape of anime characters, it had to be in this manual right?
So I began to read. As I did, I noticed Kelly jump up onto the table near me and begin washing her tail. So I began talking to her. What? I live alone! I can talk to my cat if I want to!
"Hmm, so I could have the female version in there? Weird," I shook my head, "Definitely not interested in that." I sniggered.
"Oh yeah, Gilbird! Totally forgot that thing. So it comes with accessories, nice, wonder what Ivan will have though...?"
"It can have jobs? I guess that's like... a role play feature? Journalist, drinker, m-model? Heh, and a band mate. Well that's pretty cool. Though it's making me wonder if maybe this is meant solely as a sex toy. Maybe it's one of those companion bots? Well I guess I wouldn't mind if it was Ivan as a companion bot... he's so sexy, ain't he Kelly?" I scratched my cat behind her ears.
She meowed brightly, rubbing into my palm. I smiled and continued reading.
"Removal from packaging... guess I can skip that," I did skim it though, and my eyebrows rose. I went back and read it again. "Huh, this is a bit weird, 'Agony to me and those nearby'? That sort of makes it sound... dangerous. Um... pouring beer on the lid? What the hell is up with that? Austrian apple strudel? This thing can smell? Well I guess they can do that with robots these days but..." I frowned and self-consciousness sniffed my underarms. I was usually pretty good and showering every day but sometimes I would get into a new anime and accidently spend 14+ hour intervals watching it without anyone to stop me and I'd forget... I seemed fine now but made a mental note to be sure to shower before opening my Ivan unit when it arrived.
"Heh, speak Russian to him? Oh hey, I never thought of that! Maybe Prussia unit has special interactions with the Russia unit? Maybe... maybe sexy interactions?" My eyes sped ahead to a section titled 'Relationships with Other Units'.
"BDSM yaoi... nice," I grinned, "Maybe I'll rethink sending him back straight away. Oh, but these units are expensive... might cut into my manga budget..." I frowned. I supposed I'd have to just make the exchange and that would be that. My eyes backtracked to the packaging removal instructions.
"Speak in Russian... 'Kilili'... 'Kalininin'...'Kaliningrad'?" I pronounced curiously, my voice naturally mimicking a Russian accent. I liked using accents now and again, it was fun damn it! Though suddenly... suddenly I heard barking from the living room. And... and sounds of breaking wood. My blood began pounding in my veins and I turned my head so fast to watch the front hall that my neck cricked painfully. The box was shaking... splintering. Suddenly the top flew off with such force that it slammed into my ceiling and sent plaster raining down. My dogs sped from the hall to the kitchen and cowered under the table. I sat dumb stuck as 65kg of male Prussian rage burst out of the box, somersaulted in the air and landed on the ground with force. His white hair was mussed rather attractively, but his red eyes were glaring in a way that made me rather wish I could be like my cats that seemed to have vanished the instant unfamiliar noises were heard. My reflexes were not as sharp as the Prussian immediately began tearing up the front hall, wrenching open the closet and throwing my coats to the floor, knocking various odds and ends on the ground (some of them smashing). I frantically looked back at the manual. Oh shit, I had to reprogram him? How the fuck was I do that before he came and killed me for possibly hiding the Russian from his awesome wrath?
I ran down the list of the reprogramming methods, but none of them were specific on how to get him out of this mode and possibly back to whatever default was. Erm, I guess perhaps the third? Depressed wasn't good per say, but it was better than destruction of my house.
"Um, hey, don't you think Roderich and Elizaveta are so cute together?" I called into the next room, my voice pitched higher than I would've liked. "Um, my boyfriend totally agrees!" I didn't have a boyfriend obviously but what the hell.
Suddenly Prussia stopped his rampage and turned to look at me. His eyes widened and he immediately slumped against the wall, lip trembling and suddenly was sobbing his eyes out.
Erm, well like I said, better than destroying my stuff right? I decided to keep reading the manual but the sobs got too loud to think around and I sighed. I pondered the last line I'd worked through. Activating Gilbird might cheer him up, right? I got up from my table and walked over to the box Prussia had burst from, pushing aside the top that had detached from the ceiling and fallen straight back where it came from. Inside I noticed a couple sets of clothes, a cross, some books, and finally a tiny bird that looked asleep. Reaching in hesitantly, my fingers brushed its feathers. Its eyes snapped open and it flew, twittering madly, out of the box and through the air. Seeming to hear his little friend, Prussia's eyes rose and locked onto it. A slow smile spread across his face and he was on his feet again.
"Hey Gilbird, long time no see!" he laughed as the bird landed on his head and then the albino turned, seeming to noticed me for the first time. His eyes travelled from my face down to my rack. I have to say I have a nice one, 42D. (Though some of that could be due to the fat layer I have but... um... I like ice cream! I'm not going to stop eating it for no good flipping reason, who do I have to impress? Well... if Ivan was as realistic as Prussia maybe I should consider... um...)
"Um, hi," I said nervously. I had to admit, I was feeling self-conscious here. Aside from my general geeky reclusive look (just because I'm definitely not one doesn't mean I'm not aware that I... well that I look like one) I realized that my Jack Skelington t-shirt was sporting a tomato sauce stain courtesy of Chef Boyardee and my hair was damp, frizzy and unkempt after the attack of the killer blizzard wind from the front door. Meanwhile Prussia, while never my favourite Hetalia character, looked rather hot. Rather... very hot. Hotter than any regular guy, that was for damn sure. And he looked so very... real, except for the unreal hotness thing of course. He didn't resemble a robot in the slightest, even his eyes had a natural sheen to them it seemed. The mouth movements didn't seem mechanical. Other than the quick changes in mood due to vocal commands, he responded to things pretty naturally too. For these reasons I for the first time wondered if maybe, just maybe, these fictional guys I was obsessing over wouldn't actually like me back if I ever met them in person. Which it seemed I was doing right now. Oh god.
Prussia stared at my rack for a moment longer before a slow smile spread across his face. "Nice breasts, wanna see my five meters?"
My mouth dropped open slightly and I sputtered, not expecting such a statement. He was across the room in seconds, and was suddenly groping my left boob, a seriously rapist look in his eyes.
Half of my brain, the outrageously horny part, was singing 'YES YES OH GOD I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR MY WHOLE LIFE I WILL GET TO HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH A CHARACTER I HAVE CONSIDERED FICTIONAL YES'.
And the other half, the half that remembered that it didn't like Prussia no matter how unrealistically sexy he appeared, was screaming 'NO NO OH GOD I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS WITH SUCH A WHINY ARROGENT GIT DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN NO'.
It was probably a good thing that my dogs agreed with my second sentiment because by the way my body was heating up it seemed more inclined towards the first. Bandit seemed to have re-entered the scene with Dudley at his heels and both began barking and snapping at Prussia's ankles. After a solid bite hit its mark, Prussia backed off pretty damn fast.
"OW! What the fuck? Stupid dogs! Sic them, Gilbird!" Prussia ordered and the bird flew from his head toward Dudley, who was currently digging his teeth into the albino's foot.
Gilbird launched itself at my dog, pecking it relentlessly. Dudley let go and tried snapping at the bird. When I heard a loud yelp and saw a bit of scarlet blood all feelings of potential arousal fled and I knew it was time to intervene.
"HEY! Call that damn bird off my dog, you dick!" I yelled, kicking Prussia's shin and reaching down to grab my dog off the ground, using my hand to brush bird.
"Well call your dogs off of me then! What the fuck is wrong with them?" Prussia snapped back, reaching down to grab where I'd kicked him.
"I don't know, maybe they have a problem with rapists!"
"I didn't hear you saying no!"
"You also didn't hear me say yes! Now fuck off!" I called Bandit to follow me through the kitchen and down a short hallway to the bathroom where I inspected my little dog's wounds. He had a shallow cut on his back. When I touched it he whimpered. I noticed Prussia in the doorway watching me as I took out some gauze and wrapped it around my pup to stem the bleeding. There wasn't much else I could think to do, and he would likely be fine anyway. Like I said, it was shallow.
Satisfied that my dog would be okay, I placed him on the ground where he ran quickly from the room, followed by Bandit. I looked at Prussia menacingly.
"If you or your bird hurt my pets again, I will crucify you," I said darkly. He shivered, apparently I looked quite serious. "Now then, I'm going to go finish reading that manual you came with. Then I will be calling customer services to get you exchanged for the unit I actually ordered. In the meantime you will find something to occupy yourself with quietly until I'm done. Think you can do that?"
Prussia snorted and rolled his eyes, but he did turn to leave without another word so I assumed my request would be followed. Heading back to the kitchen I picked up the user manual again and began flipping through it, mostly skimming for the phone number by this point, though certain things stuck out to me- particularly the warning about bathing with him. Who in their right mind bathed with a robot? I mean, I guess there were fan fictions and pornography where I'd seen it happen but did people really try that sort of thing? The bathroom isn't really a very sexy place in my opinion...
It was then that Prussia marched in from the front hall (when had he gone past the first time?) holding one of the books I'd noticed from the crate and a pen. He was also wearing his iron cross I noticed. He sat at my table across from me, cracked open the cover, and began to write. Oh yeah, the manual mentioned that the books were blank journals. I tried reading it upside down but realised that the writing was in some other language- presumably Prussian or German. (Was Prussian a language?)
I felt a little awkward sitting at my table with someone else. I hadn't had someone else at the table with me in my own home since my editor came by two years ago to consult me about taking up another pen name when my newest book was such a different genre from my first few. I hadn`t minded, but yeah, it had been a while since I shared space with someone- even if that someone was a... a 'unit'. That was a robot right?
"Ah, there's the little bastard," I muttered. At the bottom of the last page was a customer service number. I got up and grabbed my land line, dialling the number into the phone. Prussia hadn't looked up from his journaling.
One ring, two rings, three...
"Hello, you have reached the Customer Service Hotline for Hetalia Units," an automated voice picked up the line, "If your Unit is trying to kill you, your friends or loved ones, your enemies, other Units, or the general public, press one. If your Unit is destroying your property or the property of others, press two. If your Unit is trapped in one program and cannot be coaxed out of it, press three. If your Unit is performing actions not specified in the User's Manual, press four. If you have received a Unit that you did not order and you wish to make a return or exchange, press five. If you-"
I pressed five, giving Prussia a slight glance. There was still no response from him, only more furious scribbling.
"We understand that you have a Unit that you did not order. If you ordered a different Unit and received the wrong one, press one. If you did not order a Unit at all and received one anyway, press two."
I pressed one, obviously.
"We apologize sincerely for the error that has occurred in your shipping. If the Unit you received is still in its box and has not been in any way tampered with, press one. If the Unit has already been released from the box but has thus far not interacted with you, press two. If the Unit has been activated and has already interacted with you, press three."
"God fucking damn it," I muttered, pressing three. This couldn't be good. My swearing seemed to draw Prussia's eyes off his book briefly though and his red eyes locked with mine. He smirked. I glared.
"We, again, sincerely apologize for the inconvenience our mistake has caused you. None the less, we are unable to take back Units that have interacted with their owners without several steps taken, most of which are illegal. We do understand that our manual offers replacements for accidental shipment of Chibi Units and alternate versions of Units. This is mostly because Chibi Units are much easier to wrestle back into the packaging. We ask first that you do not sue us for the damages caused by your new Unit and if you still desire the Unit you originally purchased, stay on the line and a customer service recipient will be with you shortly."
"Oh, so I get to talk to a real person now? Spectacular," I said and Prussia looked up again.
"So, do you always talk to yourself?" he asked conversationally. He seemed a bit amused. "That's kind of un-awesome of you when you have the awesome me to talk with!"
"Shut the fuck up," I flipped him off and turned away. Awesome him... what the fuck.
"I mean, if it were me, talking to myself would be totally understandable because I'm just that awesome. But other than your rack you don't really have much going for you."
"Look, if you don't shut up I'm going to roast that flying fucktard alive!"
Prussia's eyes suddenly narrowed. "Leave Gilbird out of this."
"Then leave my appearance out of this," I replied darkly as I heard the line pick up on the other end. The voice was male and sounded harassed, a little familiar too actually, but I disregarded this.
"Hello, this is the returns and exchanges help desk. I understand that you have a Unit that you did not order and it has already been activated and interacted with?"
"Erm, yeah," I said, shuffling my feet, very conscious of Prussia's eyes on me. Why couldn't he just go back to writing?
"Is this a Chibi Unit that you received, or an altogether different model that looks nothing like what you originally sent out for?"
I rolled my eyes. "I should say it's different! I ordered Russia, not Prussia, which is what I've got glaring at me from my kitchen table right now because I threatened to murder his precious Gilbird if he didn't shut his cake hole."
"Prussia? Alright, and I assume you want us to remove him in exchange for your ordered Russia Unit?"
"Obviously, why else would I call?" I scoffed.
"Well, after Prussia's out of the crate you're going to have some problems getting him back in. If he's glaring you have a normal Prussia Unit and not a Kaliningrad, which means your only hope, is to get him drunk enough for him to pass out and then lock him inside and hope the delivery van comes before he sobers up. Otherwise I suppose you could try getting him into Frightened Mode, but lacking a Russia Unit I doubt you have the strength to manage that."
"So what, you're telling me I'm stuck with this guy? You've got to be kidding me," I growled into the phone and heard 'keseseseseses' ringing from the idiot Prussian as he returned to writing whatever it was he was writing. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
"Yeah, sorry about that. But hey, we don't want you to be unsatisfied so tell you what, I'll have the company send you your Russia Unit that you paid for and let you keep Prussia as a free gift!"
My eyes widened. That was a good deal. BDSM yaoi seemed once again in reach... heh heh. I sent an evil grin at the Prussian who happened to glance up again as I did so. His smirk fell and he gave me a look that seemed to pronounce many horrified misgivings as to staying in this house with me.
"Sure, why not? Ship over that Russia Unit! I'm sure he and Prussia will get along juuuuust fine," my evil cackling seemed to affect the Prussian at the table and he squeaked, then glared, getting up with a screech of chair legs on tile. I started to run (thank god for cordless phones) hastily babbling my shipping info and Amazondotcom account number into the phone and hit 'end call' just in time to get grabbed by the back of my shirt and thrown into the wall. I let out a shriek as I was flipped around and pinned there, the albino's red eyes glaring down at me.
"What the fuck did you do?" Prussia menaced, looking ready to move in for the kill. I was scared shitless, but I was not going to let this no account... 'Unit' thing... get the better of me. For the moment I would answer... but I would send him to his knees, mark my words!
"I got a two for one deal. They're going to send me an Ivan Braginski Unit and I get to keep you for free. Aren't I just a lucky duck?" I grumbled, twisting in his grip. I found it wasn't as strong as I would've thought but then, Prussia wasn't the strongest of the Hetalia clan, especially after he lost his status as an independent nation. In any case, Prussia had to use some visible force to keep me against the wall.
"Do you have any idea what that guy will do to me?" Prussia hissed, his face an inch from my own.
A sick, perverted grin spread across my face. I couldn't help it. I liked the mental image. "Oh, I have a few ideas. I am, after all, a fan of the fanfic."
At this Prussia reared back, suddenly looking horrified. "Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with you to be into that kind of shit? I mean I know Elizaveta is but I didn't think actual human girls acted like that! Goddamn, you know he's going to torture me, right?"
I sniffed, rolling my shoulders that had previously been gripped a bit too hard. "Well, since you got here you have broken my things, made a mess, hurt my dog and groped with the intension of possible rape. Excuse me for not feeling too much sympathy for you right now."
"Great, I had to get bought by an unreasonable psycho bitch with BO and stained clothes. Probably some kind of recluse. Just fucking great. I'm way too fucking awesome to deal with this." Prussia stomped down the hallway toward the kitchen, ignoring my protest of not being a recluse. Curious, I followed him. He walked straight to the front door. I continued to watch, assuming he didn't know about the weather or he would've grabbed a warmer coat before wrenching open the door. He was hit by the same icy blast that had hit me when his crate got here. Shivering violently, he shut the door and leaned against it, clutching himself and sinking to the floor, giving me a wide eyed look.
"Do you live in Russia or something? Is that why you want that psycho so bad?"
"Hmm... no, I live in Canada, you just happened to arrive in December and we're having a blizzard right now. Come to think of it... it's kind of a wonder that the delivery man got here at all." I looked out into the blizzard but my driveway was now clogged with snow, impossible to tell that there'd been a delivery van there at all actually.
Hey... did I even see the delivery van? I saw the guy and the crate but did I see...? Well, it had to have been there anyway. No time to think about silly things like that. What mattered now was probably figuring out where Prussia was going to stay. Well, that shouldn't be all that hard. I mean, I did have a kind of large house. Granted I only used a small part myself- just the ground floor bathroom, kitchen, living room with my sofa and surround sound plasma screen entertainment system, and my bedroom that also had my lovely computer inside it. All this was on the ground floor (the bedroom was really supposed to be a study but I decided to just cram a bed in there too because it was a pain climbing stairs every day when I didn't really have to). I had a second floor and a basement that were pretty much only used to store all my various books, games, DVDs and other merchandise I had impulsively purchased online over the past three years. So perhaps it stood to reason that I should "store", so to speak, my Prussia Unit in one of those rooms.
"Okay, so, upstairs or downstairs?" I asked suddenly and Prussia looked up from the floor, seeming confused.
"Where do you want to stay, upstairs or downstairs?" I asked, irritated.
"Which is warmer?"
I thought about that for a moment. I never went to either of those places very much but... "I guess the basement probably since that's where the furnace is. Upstairs has a lot of windows and I don't really know if their weatherproofed... I mean they probably are, but I don't really know. I don't go up there much unless I have to look for something or whatever. I don't have any other beds though... I probably have some sleeping bags. Oh right, I got that Tsubasa air mattress last year! Where did I put that?" I had begun to mumble to myself as I went to a door in the kitchen next to a cupboard and opened it, revealing a set of stairs descending into the basement. I fumbled for the light switch and a bare bulb illuminated the concrete steps. Absent mindedly, I motioned for Prussia to follow me and the echoing steps on the staircase made me assume he did as my gesture indicated.
The bottom of the stairs made me suddenly appreciate why I had decided to store most of my new stuff upstairs. Upstairs held more merchandise then anything, the basement was like a tomb for the things I had when I lived at home with my family. I had totally forgotten; how so, I'm not sure.
"Oh hey, I remember this old desk! And here's that crappy laptop that Coco knocked off the table, screen's cracked, see? What's in this box? Oh, just a bunch of old pencil crayons and stuff. Hmm... Oh hey, books! Damn, I forgot I had so many! I mostly read stuff online these days, except for manga. Well hell, everybody is now, aren't they? And... oh what do you know! I do have a bed down here. Kinda disassembled but..."
I leapt over piles of random stuff stacked on top of each other toward the back where my old oak furniture set from when I lived with my parents was sitting around with a thick layer of dust. There were two dressers, two end tables, and a queen sized bed with a mattress and box spring leaning against the wall. In a bag on the ground nearby were the green sheets and white bedspread, with some case-less pillows in a pile as well.
I turned around expecting to see Prussia, but instead saw Bandit wagging his tail. Oops, Prussia didn't follow me after all.
"HEY PRUSSIA, GET DOWN HERE, I FOUND A BED, BUT YOU HAVE TO HELP ME PUT IT TOGETHER!" I shouted up the stairs.
"WHY DON'T YOU PUT IT TOGETHER AND SLEEP DOWN THERE YOURSELF? I JUST FOUND YOUR ROOM AND..." There was a long pause before some slow footsteps were heard walking from my bedroom down the hall to the kitchen and down the basement steps. The albino looked paler than usual.
"Why are there pictures of naked men having sex on your ceiling with torture devices?"
"You see this is why I don't invite people over. They just have to poke their noses into everything," I grumbled, my face flushing. Well... no one went into my bedroom but me normally, so why wouldn't I put stills from my favourite porn on the ceiling? And it wasn't like it was all torture devices, and some was perfectly innocent fluffy yaoi art! So don't blow it out of proportion, I'm not a... a total sick freak. I'm just really, really perverted. Yeah.
"So this is my bed, huh?" He examined the headboard. It was elegantly carved. "Looks kind of girly."
"Well it was mine; it just didn't fit in the study. At any rate, I guess we'll have to clear some space if we're going to set it up..." I looked around. The basement wasn't a wholly empty space, there were different rooms; they just didn't have doors. "Um, so just pick a room and start clearing. We can probably just dump the stuff in another room and set you up... we can find some other blankets to staple above the doorframe for now until I decide if it's worth getting another door installed."
Prussia looked less than impressed. "What do you mean 'worth'? And why the hell is it such a dump down here anyway? You're like some fucking packrat."
"Lay off! I just happen to like my things okay? And someday they might be worth something! Erm... maybe. So suck it!" I sent him a lewd gesture. "Just for that, you're setting up the bed yourself. And the only reason I'm helping you clean up the room is so you won't break anything important."
"I doubt you'd even notice if anything in here was broken... look, that laptop is already broken! Why don't you just throw it out?"
"Because shut up!" I growled and seized the broken laptop from Prussia's reach, tucking it lovingly on top of a dusty bookshelf.
Prussia grumbled something under his breath but managed to pick a room that didn't have too many boxes and looked large enough to fit my old bed in. We worked more or less in silence, except for his constant bitching of course, and managed to move all boxes and debris out, leaving a more or less clean space. I ran upstairs for a broom and even did the courtesy of sweeping the place while Prussia pulled the bed parts into the room.
"Damn, this is fucking heavy!" he groaned, wiping sweat off his forehead. I looked on in wonder. Robots that could sweat?
"Wow, the things they do with machines these days."
"What?" Prussia asked, raising an eyebrow. Then he smirked. "Oh, are you turned on by the manly awesome sweat of my awesomeness?"
I rolled my eyes. "No, I'm just impressed with how realistic you are, actually. I mean, I didn't think robotics had made it to this stage yet."
Prussia gave me a bemused look that slowly turned to amused. "Robotics? The Awesome Me isn't a robot."
I paused in my sweeping and looked at him, biting the inside of my cheek. Did he not know he was a robot? Or did this mean... if he wasn't a robot then...
"Then what are you?" I asked after a moment.
"I'm a Unit, duh," Prussia rolled his red eyes now and stuck out his tongue childishly. "Well if you're not going to be any more help, I suggest you get your un-awesome self the fuck out of my room."
My mouth gaped open. Oh no he didn't.
"HEY! Just WHOSE house do you think this is bub?" I yelled, stomping toward him and grabbing his shirt collar. "And QUIT LOOKING SO FREAKING AMUSED!"
Prussia grinned. "Huh, you're actually kind of cute when you're pissed."
"GAH!" I let out a frustrated yell and stormed upstairs; calling for my dogs to be sure neither would be stuck downstairs before slamming the door. I immediately heard the sound of wood smacking concrete and swearing. I sort of hoped that the bed hadn't been damaged, but decided it probably didn't matter. I looked into the front hall and the mess that was residing there. With a sigh I took the broom and headed to sweep up the plaster, hoping that the ceiling would be okay. I then packed my coats and the unbroken items into my closet, sweeping up the broken ones as well. Then I turned back to that damn crate. I looked inside it. Gilbird was nesting in Prussia's Luftwaffe SS uniform, his knight outfit and remaining blank journals sitting nearby. I pulled these other things out and went to the kitchen, where the unreadable, slightly used journal was still open on the table. I picked that up as well. Then I wrenched open the basement door.
"INCOMING!" I screeched before throwing the items down the stairs.
"HEY! CAREFUL WITH THE GREAT PRUSSIA'S STUFF!"
Instead of answering I slammed the door again. Then I went back to the crate where the bird was still sleeping on the uniform. Unceremoniously I tugged it out from under the creature... unit... thing.
Immediately Gilbird was twittering around me, pecking at my head. I let out a yelp and swatted at it, running toward the basement door. I wrenched it open a second time, threw the uniform down the stairs as well, managed to somehow snatch Gilbird from the air, and tried throwing him down the stairs as well. Except that, well, he could fly, so he caught himself and made a dash back for me until I slammed the door. A dull thump from the other side told me the stupid bird had flown into it.
"GILBIRD NO!" came a yell from downstairs and I heard some running on the other side. I sighed, leaning against the opposite wall and watching the door. "GET HIM OUT OF YOUR MOUTH YOU DAMN CAT!"
Hissing followed as I lurched forward, opening the door to find Prussia on the steps trying to wrestle a dazed Gilbird out of the mouth of an angry Coco.
"HEY! Let my kitty go!" I screamed, falling to my knees and grabbing Coco out Prussia's hands. She clawed at my leg as I turned away from Prussia and pulled at Gilbird to dislodge him.
"LET GO OF HIM!" Prussia wailed with one arm tightly around my neck and pulling me back as his other hand made swipes at the cat and bird.
Oh yeah, that's how I got into this situation. It sucks doesn't it? But moving on.
Prussia is giving me trouble, but I seem to be managing to work my cat's jaw open. Soon the bird falls to the ground with a soft plop and Prussia's hand is immediately around it, gently lifting it and holding it in front of his face.
"Oh god, oh no, oh you can't be dead little Gilbird..." He's whimpering. Huh. I... I guess I kind of feel bad for the guy. After all, I wouldn't want any of my pets to get hurt. That's it, I've made my resolve.
I tell Prussia to come with me, gently taking the hand that isn't holding Gilbird. Prussia seems mute with grief and doesn't fight as I bring him up the couple of steps and into the bathroom. He gently washes Gilbird's wounds and he even mutely lets me bind the bird for him. It's bleeding. This disturbs me greatly, because if it's bleeding, that means whatever it means to be a 'Unit' it means that they're... well... alive.
Alive in my house. With like... thoughts and feelings and shit.
What. The. Hell.
And Russia's coming.
And now my heart's hammering in my chest. And I'm blushing. Damn it all to hell.
Suddenly Gilbird's chest starts to rise and fall again. He sputters into wakefulness, apparently only fainted. Prussia cries with happiness and cuddles the bird to his chest, looking for all the world like a five year old told he could keep the puppy he'd fallen in love with.
It's... kind of cute. Huh.
Prussia seems in a much better mood now. So good in fact that I would have said it was a programmed response to helping his Gilbird, if I still thought he was a robot, which I can't say I do anymore.
"Um, so Prussia, you want some dinner or something?" I ask him because I'm hungry and he's creeping me out with the genuinely nice smile. (and hot... he's looking hot again oh god).
"Hey, no need for formalities, we're housemates right? You can call me 'Your Awesomeness'," he grins. Perhaps if I lived in the world of Hetalia I would find the grin lewd and distasteful, but living in a world where no real guy amounted to the perfect looks of an anime guy designed for that sort of thing, the grin was only dazzling. Okay, and maybe a bit lewd. I still punch his arm hard enough to hopefully leave a bruise.
"I'll call you Gilbert. Because I can," I say stiffly. "And I'm making spaghetti so you can just kind of deal with that."
"Eh, spaghetti's okay," he shrugs, still grinning, "But if you want it to be awesome, you should let me make it, ne?"
"You... you want to cook?" I tilt my head to one side and a slow smile is growing, I can tell. "Well, be my guest!" I step aside and using both hands in a rolling gesture motion toward the kitchen. He gives me a smug look and marches past me. Just as he reaches the kitchen he turns his head.
"Hey, when should I call you?" he asks. I think. He's down the hall and it is a bit muffled.
I pause before answering. "Uh, when it's done I guess."
He pauses now; looking confused a second before snorting. "I said what, not when; you haven't told me your name, stupid!"
"Hey! I'm not stupid, jackass!" I shout. That's freaking offensive! I was not stupid, I had an English degree damn it!
Okay, so does Stephanie Meyer so maybe that isn't saying much but...
You know what? Shut the fuck up.
"It doesn't matter what you call me, as long as you're a good boy and do your chores, got it? I've got work to do," I snap, heading for my study/bedroom. I really do have to work some more on my novel, I do have a deadline to meet and I'm not even halfway done yet.
"Heh, sure thing Mom!"
I freeze, hand halfway to my doorknob. Oh no, he did NOT.
"I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER!" I shout, scandalized. I was nobody's mother. For one thing, I was only twenty eight and Prussia was like... twenty. So either I was birthing at age eight or he's calling me old. Second... well... I don't think I'm the only one who can tell I'd be an unfit mother at this point, right?
"Whatever you say, Mom!" Gilbert grins with a mean glint in his eyes, seeming amused by my reaction. He then steals into the kitchen as I storm into my room, slamming the door and falling onto my bed on my back, eyes locking on the various yaoi couples gracing my ceiling. I train my sights on one of my favourites- Sweden pinning Finland to the ground and ravishing him. You can't see anything scandalous, but it was passionately drawn. I wish I could draw like that, really, but everything I draw is either too cutesy or lacks any feeling at all. I never had drawing lessons, so I guess maybe that was part of it. Also, I never really practice too much.
I wonder when they'll deliver Ivan. I wonder if he'll be as much of a pain as Prussia is. I wonder if he's going to hate me because my house is a mess... as is me.
I make a mental note to shower after dinner and start cleaning the house tomorrow. After all, if Ivan is really like... well... Ivan... I didn't want to be on his bad side straight off the bat. That would be a ferociously bad idea.