I Ordered Russia Online. I Didn't Get Him.
Chapter 2: No, That's Not Quite It Either
I don't consider myself a bad person, rather, I consider myself a good person who has some addictions to perverse things, some of which might be considered illegal in many places. Perhaps I don't donate to charity, and maybe when I was young I would lie to my parents on occasion. Sometimes I would neglect my homework as a teenager. Sometimes now I would publish novels I knew would rot the minds of youth just to make enough money to buy some hard core yaoi manga (it's twice the price of regular manga you know!) Still though, I do not believe I did anything to deserve what is happening right now.
I am standing in line at Wal-Mart during the Christmas rush.
I still do not have the Hetalia Unit I paid for.
There is a toddler clinging to my leg screaming and probably wetting himself.
Prussia is in a bear costume roaring at him.
There are people staring.
I am trying not to cry.
Now I know what you're thinking: 'What the hell is this situation I don't even' followed closely by 'HOW?' Last you heard I was waiting for Prussia to make me spaghetti. Well that was two days ago by this point, but I suppose I'll go back and explain how things led from there to here. After all, it's quite the sordid tale and I did give you a full recap up until the moment I was experiencing last time we talked so you may as well learn what I've been doing since then.
First of all, Prussia's spaghetti was nothing special. I mean, it wasn't bad by any means, but I wouldn't call it awesome. Then again it was made with what I had lying around the kitchen cupboards, which was basically noodles, canned tomato sauce and processed cheese, so it wasn't like he had much to go on. (I don't know what to do with spices or anything so I don't tend have them around.) I'm sure if I had made something of the same quality he would've bitched at me that it tasted terrible, but because he was the one who cooked it he refused to admit it was anything less than amazing, oh sorry, 'awesome'. Stupid Prussian.
After dinner I wanted to go back to my room and write some more because I might have gotten distracted by Minesweeper when Prussia was cooking and might have only typed around two sentences. I swear to god, that game is too addicting. I had that problem in high school and university as well; I would write a paragraph of an essay and then play Minesweeper for ten minutes. And then watch an episode of whatever anime I was currently obsessed with. And then check my email. And then play more Minesweeper. And then write another essay paragraph.
How did I graduate university again?
Oh right, after dinner. Right. So I fully intended to go back to my room and try to actually get some work done, but as I turned toward my room Prussia asked me what he was supposed to do while I was working. After hearing him profess how awesome a cook he is all through dinner (along with my general feelings of being drained after so much interaction with a person... unit... thing... after so long going for the minimal in that department) I was eager to escape from him for a while. This new whiny question was less than welcome.
"How the hell should I know? Go watch TV or something!" I threw my hands into the air, determined to not look at him. I marched to my room, slammed my door (Which is always fun), sat in my swivel chair (spinning in it just the once) and turned on my monitor. I never turned the whole computer off, since I seemed to be on it nearly all the time anyway. I moved my mouse to dispel my screensaver that scrolled through all the pictures I had on my computer and had just pulled up Microsoft Word again when my door banged open, causing me to startle forward in my seat.
"Ever heard of knocking?" I snapped, swivelling around in my chair to glare at Prussia, who was looking pissed.
"Your satellite's out!" he whined loudly.
I rolled my eyes and made a clicking noise with my tongue. "I guess it's the blizzard. Not my fault. I think there's some DVDs somewhere if you want to find them..."
"Yeah, I don't think I want to watch whatever DVDs you've got lying around," Prussia sneered, leaning against the doorframe with folded arms.
I folded my arms as well. "And what's that supposed to mean?"
Prussia's eyes darted briefly to the ceiling, and mine followed. Oh. Right. Yaoi.
"It's not all like that! I have normal stuff too!" I defended.
"Like Rent... oh. Um... like... Sweeny Todd! And Mamma Mia! Though I'm not entirely sure where I buried those... haven't watched them in years... uh... but anime DVDs, I've got them!" I grinned suddenly, "Yeah, I have the complete Death Note series with Relight and the live action Japanese movies and also Ouran High School Host Club and Negima?, and Tsubasa and FMA and... well obviously Hetalia." I paused here to breathe, but I was quite happy. If there was anything I loved, it was listing all the anime products and series I had collected over the years. True, most of my bragging was done online, but I revelled in the feeling that people were jealous my accumulation of pure awesome that radiated from-
"Well that's lame," Prussia snorted.
What what WHAT?
"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?" I screamed, jumping from my chair in anger. I heard my dogs barking in the other room at the sudden noise but I didn't care. "Nobody, but nobody calls anime lame in my house bub!"
Prussia rolled his eyes. "I don't mean anime is lame, Kiku makes some awesome shit. But why the hell bother buying it when you can download it online for free?"
"Well... I just..." I trailed off for a minute to think. Prussia's smirk grew until I managed to come up with a good reason and my glare returned. "It's because I happen to respect the distributors and the people who make my anime and therefore am willing to pay the money desired by them to encourage their further service. Does that suffice as a reason?"
"Phht, I guess," Prussia rolled his eyes. We stared each other down a few more minutes before I relented with a heavy sigh. I was so fucking done with company right now. I wanted to be alone again with my puppies and kitties, not dealing with some whiny idiotic git who can't find his own ways to keep himself entertained.
"Well then, do you want to watch them or not? Because... well if not I guess there's some old game systems in the upstairs you could try hooking up. I'm almost positive there's a Wii and a PS3 upstairs," I frown a bit, now trying to remember what games I had. I definitely had a few Final Fantasies and Mario games, but I wasn't really too much of a gamer. In high school I would play some games like MarioKart if I had friends over, otherwise I'd only play games with complex plots like Final Fantasy or else simulator games like Harvest Moon and the Sims, but even those I haven't played in quite some time. Which probably explains why I don't remember where my game systems are. Or what games I had.
"Well then help me find one; I don't know your house!"
"No, I'm busy working, foreign concept for you I'm sure," I said swiftly and turned back to the screen. Within moments Prussia is looking over my shoulder and I hastily closed the window.
"What? Why can't I read it?" he demanded indignantly.
"Because it's none of your business what my work is!"
"I live here!"
"You just got here! Now get the fuck out of my room! I don't like you, and I've had enough of your pissy spoiled attitude!"
"Fine!" Prussia snapped, "I'm too awesome to hang out with you anyway!" with that he stormed out, leaving me in peace. I sighed heavily and clicked my desktop link to Amazondotcom. If I was going to have Prussia as a semi-unwelcome housemate, I was going to need a lock for my door, pronto.
A few minutes later in the process of looking at heavy duty locks online (yes I know I should've been working, but as this was clearly going to be an issue I needed to do it before I forgot) I heard a couple of crashes from upstairs and winced. Then I heard Prussia yelling from somewhere in the rooms above me that my games sucked, followed by a loud question of why the room he was in was so full of plush dolls and figurines and a whining mention that they were staring at him.
Then he screamed and asked why the Prussia figurine was dry humping the Russia figurine. Oh right, I forgot I'd done that. But honestly, it wasn't just Prussia, I had all my Hetalia figurines going after the Russia's hot body in some respect- all became one with Russia eventually you know. Then Prussia just HAD to announce he was taking the Prussia figurine and hiding it somewhere where I could never disgrace it again. I growled under my breath until I heard heavy footsteps on the stairs, leading back down to my hallway and toward my study again. The door was flung open and Prussia marched to my bed and flung himself down on his back, glaring at the ceiling. Then he seemed to realise what he was looking at and flipped over onto his stomach. I had swivelled to watch him when he re-entered.
"What is it now?" I asked, rather exasperated. I noticed Bandit and Dudley walking into the room after Prussia and jumping onto my bed as well to begin sniffing at Prussia's legs.
"I'm boooooored," Prussia moaned into the mattress.
I rolled my eyes and swivelled back to my screen, eyeing a rather nice looking deadbolt. "Then find something to dooooo," I replied, mimicking his tone.
Prussia seemed to have lifted his face off of the comforter because I could hear him better when he next spoke, sounding rather annoyed I might add. "You have no TV, your video games suck, your DVDs suck, so what the fuck am I supposed to do?"
I sucked in my cheeks and thought about that as I added the deadbolt to my shopping cart. "Well... why don't you go play with Gilbird?"
"He's sleeping, and he gets pissy when you wake him up," Prussia said knowledgably.
"Then... write more in your journals! You like doing that don't you?"
Prussia scoffed. "It's hard to write about what I'm doing if I'm not doing anything, duh."
I decided at this point to ignore him and see if he would go away. It was a tactic that I would use a lot in the past for various problems, mostly dirty dishes. Though I've come to understand that when you live alone dishes don't so much go away when you ignore them as multiply. I hoped this wouldn't be the case here.
After I eventually finished ordering a couple decent locks, I pulled up my novel again and re-read the last couple of lines to remind myself where I was. With a slight nod to myself, I typed about three words before I heard movement on the mattress and prepared to minimize the window if needed. But I didn't hear Prussia come up behind me; instead I heard, well, this:
"What are you looking at, stupid mutt? You bit my foot; I don't give a crap if Gilbird scratched you. I bled, in case you were wondering."
There was a low growl.
"Yeah I know you bled too, don't get up in my face about it! And what the hell are you looking at? Look, same thing to you, I don't have any sympathy for anything that messes with my awesomeness."
A low whine, sounded like Bandit's. I noticed that I'd paused in my typing and hurriedly finished the sentence, but found I couldn't really concentrate.
"W-what? Hey! Don't go sitting there! My lap belongs to Gilbird only! Back off! AH! GROSS!" there was some sputtering. "MOM! YOUR DOG LICKED INSIDE MY MOUTH!"
"Yes, Dudley tends to do that," I said, trying unsuccessfully to hide a snigger. "And I'm not your mother." I added stiffly as I turned around to see Prussia holding my Yorkie-poo in one arm and wiping his mouth vigorously with the other, spitting on my floor. How disgusting. Well, it was still kind of funny that he got a Dudley-brand make-out session. Bandit was nuzzling into his side as well. Huh. So my dogs have accepted Prussia. I doubted Dudley would accept Gilbird for a while though... unless maybe he forgot about the bird by now. I never really know with him. He seems smart one minute, the next he's running headfirst into the wall. But I digress.
"I'm still bored," Prussia announced, jumping off the bed and tossing Dudley onto the covers where he rolled over and looked utterly adorable. But then he always did. My precious little Dudders. Prussia was pouting at me, which was less adorable and more annoying than anything at this point. And exasperating. Very exasperating.
"Look bub, it's, uh..." I checked the time at the corner of my computer screen. "Eleven forty five pm! Wow, so late already? Uh, but yeah! It's late; I've got to at least finish this chapter before I go to bed. So get your ass out of here. I don't care what you do once you're out, but I would suggest going to bed as well because you're helping me shovel out the driveway tomorrow!"
Prussia was suddenly gaping at me. "What the fuck? I'm way too awesome to-"
"Yeah, yeah, too awesome to do menial labour, too awesome to get your hands wet, I don't care, you're helping," I tried to put as much finality in my tone as possible, but apparently it didn't take.
"What the hell do you need to shovel that thing for, anyway?" Prussia pursed his lips, looking rather defiant.
I groaned, rubbing my eyes. It was too late at night to deal with this shit; I hadn't had to deal with this shit since I made my first publishing deal and got to kick my roommate out of my apartment in Toronto. I shouldn't have to deal with this shit now.
"Because, Gilbert-who-will-die-by-my-hand-if-he-doesn't-leave-when-I'm-finished-this-explanation, I do not know when Russia will ship here, but when he does I need to be prepared. This means I need to buy more food first of all because what I have won't last three mouths very long. I will also need a Russian cookbook probably... god knows I haven't a clue how to cook but I'll figure something out. Then when I get back I..." I took a deep breath here, "I'm going to start... cleaning out some of upstairs. So I need cleaning products too." God, that was going to take hours if not days, but I had to make some room for the Russian. I wouldn't dare put Ivan in the basement, and honestly Prussia should thank me for that if he thought about it for a few minutes. He wouldn't of course but... Oh, I probably should order another bed online too while I was thinking about it.
"Well you'd better not think the awesome me is going to help you pretty up that psycho's room," Prussia spat as I switched my online search from door locks to beds and mattresses.
"No. But I do expect you to help clear the driveway and come shopping with me. Not that I want to go shopping with you, but I am not stupid enough to leave someone like you here by yourself."
"What do you mean someone like me?" Prussia's eyes narrowed. My eye twitched.
"I mean, I don't want you nosing through my stuff while I'm gone."
"Then you have to buy me something when we're out."
"Buy me something."
"Go to hell."
Prussia pursed his lips again and narrowed his eyes as well. "You're going to buy me something." And with that he left my room, slamming the door.
"NO I WON'T!" I yelled through the wall, knowing he would hear me. All I heard in the hallway heading for the kitchen and the stairs to the basement was 'kesesesesese' so I didn't think he'd given up just yet...
I turned back to my desktop. My screensaver was on. The image onscreen was of Axel and Roxas from Kingdom Hearts making out against a wall. Such sexiness. With a soft sigh of contentment, I moved the mouse and began typing at my story again and I'm proud to say that at one o'clock in the morning of Thursday Dec. 11th year 2020 I managed to finish Chapter 10 of the novel Heart of Darkness, my halfway mark. If that title sounds cheesy that's because it is, but I knew it would sell and when one is primarily concerned with where the money for her new collection of plush dolls (and perhaps a new Prussia figurine depending on how well my current one was hidden) is coming from, selling was what mattered. After finishing the chapter I finished ordering my locks and picked out a nice looking bed and mattress set with some sunflower print bed sheets. Then I turned off my monitor, turned off the light, put my glasses on my bedside table, crawled into bed (shooing my pups to the end of it) and fell into a satisfied sleep. Only to be awoken at 3am by a yell from the kitchen.
"HEY! WHERE DO YOUR KEEP YOUR BIER?"
After I'd finished freaking out and remembered why I was hearing another voice in my house at three in the morning, I screamed back: "I DON'T HAVE ANY BEER!"
Stamping feet, Prussia bursts into the room, the dogs jump up and start barking loudly at him until they sniff his legs and quiet. When they'd shut up I took notice that Prussia was seething.
"What the hell do you mean you don't have any bier?" he said in a deadly quiet voice.
"I mean, I don't have any beer," I said, wondering what the hell I did to deserve this kind of ridiculous question while I was trying to sleep. Although if I'd unexpectedly ended up with a very real Ivan Braginski instead of a real Prussia, I would most likely be experiencing extreme pain due to lack of vodka in the house right now, so perhaps I ought to count my blessings. Unless that pain involved sexual conduct, which I would be more willing to accept, but let's not go there.
Prussia was twitching now. "Why don't you have bier?"
"Because I don't drink alcohol," I said simply, sitting up in bed by this point.
"Mien Gott, what the hell is wrong with you!" Prussia threw his hands into the air with a look of disbelief. "You live alone in the middle of frozen nowhere with a packrat hoard of stuff, you spend your days in some kind of sadistic pervert mode, and you don't even drink bier?"
"No. I don't. Fuck off. It's three in the morning, so go back to bed. We'll get beer in town tomorrow, okay?" Prussia stared. Then he started to smile, which soon turned into something of an evil grin. "W-what?" I stammered. I didn't like that look.
"So you're going to buy the awesome me something after all!"
"The awesome... buy... oh fuck," I fell back on my pillows. It was too early in the morning to deal with this sort of idiocy. "Go to bed. For the love of God."
"Fine, but you're still buying me bier!" Prussia laughed and slammed my door. I could hear him laughing all the way to the basement.
'Goddamn Prussian. Ivan had better beat him good and hard with his water pipe when he gets here, I'm serious,' I thought to myself as I got up, turned off my light, and went back to sleep.
A few hours later, round about ten, I climbed out of bed and went to the kitchen bleary eyed. I stroked my cats, fed all my adorable pets, and stumbled to get some Frosted Flakes shaken into a cereal bowl. I poured some milk on it, set it at my place at the table, and sat down to start eating. After swallowing my fifth bite I felt the uneasiness of being watched. I glanced up to see an albino man looking at me from across the table with a grumpy look on his face.
"AH!" I screamed, pushing back from the table and causing the milk to slop over the edge of my bowl. "When the fuck- why the fuck- oh right, Unit thing... Prussia... Gilbert... goddamn it." I rubbed my forehead as I suddenly remembered why I had a guy in my house before going to get a towel for the spill.
Prussia seemed rather scandalized. "What the fuck? You did not seriously forget the Awesome Prussia was in your house, that's fucking impossible! I'm-"
"Too awesome for that! I know! I get it. Now shut the fuck up!" I wiped the table quickly, slammed myself back in my seat and started shoving the sweet tasting cereal into my mouth in huge spoonfuls, my cheeks puffing out like a chipmunk's as I tried to chew.
Prussia looked rather disgusted by me and made a noise that also conveyed as much. Whatever, like I care what Prussia thinks of me. If he were Ivan, I would likely be taking more care with my appearance. As it was, he could go die. The only reason I was letting him live thus far was to give Russia a peace offering when he arrived. The plan: Prussia would be Ivan's BDSM sex slave while I watched the action on a hidden camera network. Then I would convince Ivan that in order to make my house one with Mother Russia he would have to have serious rough, violent sex with me. It was foolproof! Erm... hopefully.
Oh, that reminds me, I have to remember to order the instalment of a hidden camera network. I would consider that my next priority after cleaning up a space for Russia.
At any rate, I managed to finish off my breakfast and reminded Prussia of the need to shovel my driveway. The blizzard from the day before had more or less subsided, though it did continue to snow lightly, and had left in its wake a good two feet of snow. Hard as it may be to believe, the day Prussia arrived I had pushed my snow blower around a bit in the morning so it wasn't three feet deep like the lawn around it, even higher than that in the piles where I'd blown the snow earlier.
Prussia had grumbled, moaned and bitched like nobody's business, but eventually he consented to put on one of my larger winter coats and grab a shovel when I reminded him that if we didn't get out of the driveway we could in no way purchase his alcohol of choice. The shovelling was a long and nasty business and by the time we got the snow to a level where it could be blown, my hair was sticking to my scalp and I stank like a Chinese kid in a sweat shop. (What, that was insensitive? Cry me a river bub, the simile is staying where it is.)
In any case, I hate the smell of sweat more than any other stench of the planet (perhaps the reason why I avoid exercise so diligently) so I announced to Prussia that his job was to clear the rest of the driveway with the snow blower while I had a shower and changed my clothes. He seemed happy with the idea of working the snow blower, probably because it made obnoxiously loud noises and spewed pollution into the air. They had so much in common it was surprising I hadn't read any fan fiction pairing the two. Chuckling at that thought, I opened my garage door, revealing my dark red 2006 Ford Taurus that I'd had in my possession since the day I'd left home. Even if it used to be my father's, I was quite fond of it. It didn't see much action these days as I spent much time at home (though I'm not a recluse, remember!) but I had still managed to get snow tires put on it in early November so I knew it should have theoretically been good to go down into town that day.
I pointed out the snow blower and explained how to start it. I honestly doubted Prussia was listening too closely as he was busy snorting over how old my car was. Dick. Still though, I left him to his job as I went back inside and began stripping off my clothes on the way to the shower. My dogs were running around at my feet but I really didn't have time to indulge them with love at the moment. I was down to my underwear when I opened the bathroom door and quickly got rid of these last articles of clothing when I entered the room and shower. Hot water! What bliss after that frosty nightmare that was outside!
As I pumped some shampoo into my hand and lathered up my hair, I began to strategize. I hadn't been into town in a few months, the last time being because I had a craving for mint chocolate chip ice cream and found that the only ice cream flavours I had left from my previous food order were strawberry, regular chocolate and Rocky Road. This was rectified quickly enough, but I generally ordered everything I needed over the phone or online. I believe I've said I dislike leaving the house. (But I'm not a recluse! I can leave whenever I want to- I'm proving so right now! I just don't usually want to...) I hadn't left my house in a while, so I needed to plan what I was going to do. I would have to get into the car with Prussia, drive to the grocery store, get food. Did they have beer there? I wasn't sure, but if not I was pretty sure there was a liquor store nearby. I was pretty sure the grocery store had a florist section as well since it was probably the store in town that did the most business. Actually, I could probably just go to that one place! That would be nice, just in and out without hassle.
Finally I shut off the water, feeling rather pleased with my strategizing skills. I was feeling quite confident with myself as I strolled from the bathroom and down the hall to my study. I opened the door wide.
Prussia was at my computer looking at something. How and why I didn't know, but he looked up as I walked in. I hadn't put my clothes on or even bothered putting on a towel as I had assumed Prussia would have stayed outside. Clearly I was wrong.
"GAH!" I shrieked, slamming my door to Prussia's wild laughter. I ran back to the bathroom, grabbed a towel, wrapped it around myself, grabbed the toilet plunger, and stormed back to my room with bloody murder in my eyes.
"WHAT THE HELL GILBERT?" I screamed, swinging the plunger at the suddenly distressed man.
"HEY! I'M GOING, I'M GOING!" he yelled, jumping out my chair and running from the room before I could land a decent blow. I slammed the door behind him and groaned, leaning against it. What the fuck. Seriously. What the fuck.
This thought running through my mind, I checked my computer screen. Hmm, a blog? It was in German but...
I suddenly realised my door still did not have a lock. I scurried around my room and made sure I was fully dressed (wearing a set of blue sweat pants and a t-shirt with a dragon on it) before running the blog entry through a translator program. Obviously it was a bit choppy in translation, but I managed to get my head around what it said for the most part, and I'll give you the version that I picked out of it so as to save you the headache of deciphering it:
Dec. 11, 2020
Hello my fans, it's me, the Awesome Prussia, back again to do my blog of all my awesome happenings so you can stay updated!
Well, things aren't that awesome right now. I just got bought by some reclusive chick with big tits but no figure. I don't even get what her damn problem is, I offered her my five meters of awesome but she just gets all pissed off and sets her dogs on me! It was totally un-awesome! But then Gilbird fought them off, so that was actually pretty awesome. But then the chick (who still hasn't told me her name by the way, what the fuck) goes all postal on me and keeps threatening Gilbird, whom her cat almost ATE. And she's making me sleep in the basement and she doesn't even keep bier in the house.
Not to mention she's making me work like a SLAVE shovelling her driveway for her! I only just finished and she's in the shower. WOAH! No she's not, she just came back and saw me at her computer. Stupid psycho didn't even have a towel! She screamed, but it's not like I really want to look at someone like her naked anyway. Oh, she's a psycho because she ordered a Russia Unit, but I think she's going to come back so I'm going to post this now and explain more of her psycho-ness later. SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THE UNAWESOMENESS.
Love, the Awesome Prussia
...God fucking damn it. What an exaggerating little bitch. I checked the watch I had put on. Nearly noon now, I had to get going, but I bookmarked Prussia's blog on my web browser, promising myself to look at his previous entries later. The weird thing is that there were previous entries. Many, in fact, by the archive numbers. Hadn't he just been activated yesterday? And he hadn't had access to a working computer that I knew of so... what did that mean?
No, I had priorities. First was to finish shopping. Next was to clean a space for Russia. Then install cameras. After that I could worry about what those other entries could possibly be.
I quickly brushed out my hair (it was still damp but I figured the car would be warm) and when I left my room Prussia was sitting in the front hall with Gilbird on his head.
"So are we going to get bier now?" he asked with a smirk.
"You're a prick. Go to hell and burn there," I muttered, grabbing my coat and boots.
"Why, cause I saw you naked? It's your own stupid fault," Prussia scoffed.
"No, it is not because you saw me naked. That was a dick move too, sneaking around my room like that, but if you don't fucking like it here then you can just fucking leave cause I don't see what's stopping you!" I snapped angrily.
Prussia paused for a moment and then looked concerned, the corners of his mouth tilting downward. "You can read German?"
I rolled my eyes. "No, it was an online translator program, dumbass. Now if you don't like it here, I'll just leave you in town and you can find a way to ship yourself somewhere else. Won't that be just great for you?"
Prussia paused, looking a little uncomfortable. Then his eyes suddenly hardened and he got this defiant look. "Don't tell me what to do! Just for that, I'm staying whether you like it or not!"
"... what," I said dully, my eyelids lowering and staring at him without a clue how to react to that. So he did want to stay? What the hell was with that blog entry then?
"Now come on, if I'm staying you're buying the awesome me enough bier to last me for at least the rest of the week!" Prussia announced, somehow already in his coat and marching out the door. "So at least four cases!" Still not having a clue what brought on this firm declaration to stay with me, I set the alarm system, locked the front door and followed him to the garage. As I climbed inside the car and Prussia clamoured into the passenger seat, I noticed that Gilbird was still on his head.
"That thing isn't coming into the store with us," I said firmly as I started up the engine and ignored Prussia's return glare. It seemed that it would need a minute to warm up properly. Thank god I had taken good care of it or it might not have started up at all. But I loved that old thing, I really did. I even named it. Its name is Ricky Astley. You know, like 'never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...' like Rick Rolling! That old internet meme, with the... with the guy and the... and the fake out and... and the...
... don't judge me. And shut the fuck up, you just got Rick Rolled, suck it.
At any rate, I finally managed to pull out of my rather long driveway, hitting the remote button to close my garage door as I got out onto the ploughed road. It was only really kept ploughed because I and the few others who lived along this stretch paid the town extra to get them to come out here; I was kind of secluded with the trees and the hill and everything. When I reached the road I gave my house a final fleeting look in the rear view mirror before turning and having it blocked out by a line of pine trees. My house stood on a clear lot surrounded by these trees (and my electric fence to keep out bears as you know) and they served as a good means to block out any noise or light my few neighbours would give off. I bet they thought I was some kind of hermit-like recluse. Which is completely wrong, cause I'm not. Seriously, even if it may seem like it sometimes. I was going out now though, wasn't I?
I drove along in silence at a slower pace than usual due to the slippery state of the road. Prussia was staring out the window at the passing trees as they began to grow further apart until we reached a stretch of farmer's field.
"Geez, how far away from a store do you live, anyway?" Prussia broke the silence after ten minutes of driving this way. Oh well, all good things come to an end.
"Not that far, maybe a twenty minute drive, we're halfway there," I explained. Prussia made a noise of unhappy acknowledgement before fiddling with my radio. He found a station that blasted some kind of rap music that I quickly fell into background noise and I didn't pay attention to it. Prussia didn't seem that interested either and went back to looking out the window. So much for the silence but at least I wasn't required to respond to some guy swearing to a beat over a radio broadcast.
We were about five minutes from the store when I finally broke down and asked. I knew I was going to wait until later but it wouldn't leave the back of my mind. "Why were there previous entries in that blog? Weren't you just activated yesterday?"
Prussia actually jumped a little at my sudden question and I smirked.
"Previous…? Oh, I didn't write those," Prussia replied. I scowled at the road.
"What do you mean you didn't? It was your blog!"
"Well, it's the Awesome Prussia's blog," Prussia said.
"I just said that."
"No, I mean, it's a blog for all the Prussia Units," Prussia explained, "We all post there. It's totally awesome because I can find out what my awesome self is doing all over the world!"
That… was kind of a weird idea. But giving it a bit of thought, perhaps it made some kind of sense? I mean they were selling these things, even if they were living, but it was weird to think that there was more than one of him… wait.
"So, what, you're some sort of clone then? I didn't know the world had descended back to slave trade," I said in monotone. Had I purchased a slave? Damn, how unethical.
"Slave? No one can enslave the great Prussia! But, um, yeah I guess I'm kind of a clone," Prussia suddenly fell silent and I glanced at him from the corner of my eyes.
"Um, but that implies an original version. And I didn't think countries were actually… HOLY CRAP, ARE HETALIA PERSONIFICATIONS REAL?" I screamed, the car swerving on the road. Thank god I was the only one out there or we might've hit someone.
"Of course not! Don't be stupid, it's un-awesome!" Prussia huffed, "The 'original' was genetically modified. They took an egg, a sperm, and genetically engineered all over its ass until it became the Awesome Me. Then when it got old enough to extract DNA from, they made a bunch of clones of it."
I frowned. "So somewhere out there is a facility with all the Hetalia characters as well as clones of them?"
"Well not just Hetalia characters, there's other animes and American characters too, and some stuff from other countries but not as much, it's kind of a free-for-all," Prussia shrugged. I noticed he was staring out the window while he answered my questions.
"And they just sell them over the internet. Why haven't I heard about this on the news or anything?"
"Do you watch the news?"
"Uh… I read internet articles! So why wasn't it there?"
Prussia shifted in his seat, looking uncomfortable. "Well it's like…"
"OH FUCK!" I yelled, turning the corner to where the old grocery store used to be, effectively cutting Prussia off. The explanation would have to wait, the grocery store was gone and in its place was a Wal-Mart!
What. The. FUCK. This totally messed up my strategizing from earlier! Well probably, I didn't know what was in the Wal-Mart yet but this was still not cool, when had this happened? I know I hadn't been to town in a while but GEEZ.
"Okay, don't panic, I-I'm sure there are other places to get food. Um, um…" I glanced at the surrounding street. Not much was open, probably having fallen to the superstore and its small town economy crushing ways. Wait a minute; they sold food at Wal-Mart! What was I worried about? "Okay, so we're going in, I'll grab some food and cleaning supplies. Then we'll go to the liquor store over there and get beer. Then we will go home. That's the plan, we can do it! Huzzah!" I tried to keep my breathing even but I was still feeling nauseous. I never liked Wal-Marts, and I hadn't expected such a change in my plans. On the other hand, Prussia seemed to have lost his discomfort and responded normally.
"I'm way too awesome for a stupid cheap store like that."
"Shut the fuck up Gilbert," I snapped, finding a parking spot. Since it was half past noon on a Thursday, it wasn't particularly crowded so I got nice spot close to the door, which is of course excellent for a quick getaway in case things went wrong. And between Wal-Mart and Prussia, things could go very wrong indeed.
I managed to coax Prussia out of the vehicle sans Gilbird who could wait where he was, and we went through the front doors of the plaza.
"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" the voice of a young lady came from my right, smiling and waving. Greeters. One of the many reasons I disliked this store. No one wants to be greeted by these people! I'm here to shop, not to have a conversation, seriously. I was about to walk by when the girl screamed. I turned to find Prussia latched onto her breasts.
"Nice breasts, want to see my five meters?"
"WHAT THE HELL GILBERT?" I shrieked, grabbing the back of his jacket and yanking hard. He fell backward into me.
"Hey, what the fuck was that for?" Gilbert snapped, struggling against my hold.
"You can't grope people in public damn it!" I shouted, pushing him to one side and sending him a death glare. He fell into irritated muttering and I turned to the horrified girl with a semi-apologetic look.
"Wh-wh-wh-wha…?" Her eyes sped from me to Prussia and back again, her arms covering her breasts and her skin blanched.
"Um, sorry about Gilbert, he's not… erm… he's not right in the head," I tapped my own head to emphasize the point. To my left, Prussia gaped at me.
"I am totally right in the head! I'm AWESOME in the head!"
The girl's face turned disgusted. "Ew, I was groped by a retard?"
"I'M NOT A RETARD!" Prussia screamed, once more scandalized.
"As far as I'm concerned you are," I muttered, sending the girl another apologetic look before pushing Prussia toward a shopping cart sitting on its own. I began pushing it and Prussia hopped inside. I stopped, giving him a disbelieving look as he settled into the basket.
"Really Gilbert? Really?"
"Shut up and push the cart. How can I walk by myself if I'm retarded?"
"You're not really… mentally handicapped. And those people can walk anyway!"
"Whatever you say, mom."
"Not your mother! Seriously, I'm only eight years older than you, so shut your fucking cake hole!"
I noticed there were some actual mothers hurrying their children by me, a few clasping their hands over their children's ears. Oh right, swearing in public is bad. Forgot.
In any case, I figured if Prussia was in the shopping cart at least he would be less likely to wander out of my sight and grope more people, so this could be a good thing. For the first while I managed to collect some detergent, some glass cleaner for the windows, and also restock for milk, eggs, bread, Mac and Cheese, spaghetti, Chef Boyardee and everything else I knew how to cook. Prussia jumped out of the cart at some point when he ran out of room and went around buying what he called 'actual food' as well as spices and stuff. Since it seemed he might actually know more in the kitchen than I did I just let him get whatever he wanted. It would be expensive sure, but it wasn't as if I couldn't afford it. It did mean I would have to see how well Heart of Darkness sold before I could buy all the latest anime series that I wanted, such as the VassaLord box set on DVD next year. God, I remember in high school when I started reading the manga. It took them six years to license it to DVD, but with cyborg vampires and yaoi relations it was only a matter of time before that bout of pure amazingness was brought to fluid motion, or as fluid as anime ever got at least.
At last we managed to get out of the store. What? You thought the bear thing was happening this time around? I said the spaghetti was two days ago now, not one! I know, going into town twice in two days isn't something I would normally do but trust me when I say it will be explained. As it is, the rest of the Wal-Mart visit went fairly normally. It kind of reminded me of ancient days where I would go there with my friends, back when I kept in contact with them. Now they were all just Facebook faces I rarely contacted, but back then we were all kind of crazy, running around stores and pulling stuff off shelves and giggling and… well Prussia wasn't really doing that, but the company kind of reminded me…
Not that I really missed those days. I liked how I lived now. Really, it was almost suffocating having all those people around, laughing and giggling like crazy, I could never just sit around and do what I wanted, I was always having to schedule around them not me and none of them ever had any money to do anything cool anyway! Not that I did anything now… well it's not like I had anyone to do anything with but… but well…
A-anyway, I got out of the store. Right. So we got back into the car and Gilbird flitted back to Prussia's head instantly, causing him to perk right up as I piled our groceries into the back seat. Taking up my position at the wheel I cruised straight from the parking lot and across the road to the liquor store. There was only one reason I knew where that store was, and that was because I had decided one day that I would buy a bottle of wine and try to get drunk, just to find out what it was like. I bought some white wine, brought it home, took a sip and as for the taste… well I spat it on my dog. Couldn't even try to swallow it. I was aiming for the floor but Dudley got in the way so… well I hadn't bothered trying since then. I still knew where the liquor store was though.
It wasn't a particularly large store, but then it wasn't a particularly large town. There were only about five thousand people living here, which meant that there were only twice as many people here than there were students at my old high school. Inside the selection was pretty much red wine, white wine, some various hard liquors… I hoped to god vodka was among them. And if I recalled correctly, about eight kinds of beer. Hopefully one would appeal to the Prussian otherwise I don't think I would be able to stand his whining.
I pulled up onto the curb outside of the store and it was a wonder that Prussia didn't break the door off its hinges in his haste to dash toward the alcohol. I sighed as the door was left swinging open. If he broke anything on my car, he couldn't even pay me back.
Oh wait, hadn't the manual said he could get a job? Maybe I ought to look into that later. For the moment though, I got out of the car, shut the door and went to Prussia's side to shut that as well. Then I locked the car. The town was pretty much dead at the moment. The kids were in school, the parents were at work, only the local town hobo was to be seen behind the Wal-Mart where only a few cars graced the parking lot… it was nice. Peaceful even. Thank God for that.
Then I heard a loud yell from inside the liquor store. Oh God, what now?
I hurried inside to find Prussia with his hand on the crotch of the employee manning the counter. Gilbird was flying around in his usual twittering maniac manner.
"Awe come on, you don't need to throw little Gilbird out! How about I show you my five meters?"
"GILBERT WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU AT WAL-MART?"
"Mom, seriously, it's fine," Prussia gave the poor man's crotch a rub. He was a skinny guy, a little feminine looking actually, and looked scared out of his wits as he whimpered and looked at me wide eyed.
"I'm not your mother," I hissed, "And let him go or we're leaving right now, Mister." My eyes widened suddenly, mirroring those on the guy currently being molested. Oh yeah, that totally didn't sound like a mother thing I just said. And if it did it was because Gilbert was acting like a total child right now. Dick.
"Awe, fine," Gilbert reluctantly released the man who darted behind the counter and looked ready to press the panic button. It was my turn to look pleadingly at him.
"Look, I'm sorry; he loves that bird, I don't get it, just… do you have any vodka here?" I asked, feeling bad for the guy. I mean, I'm no people person but I knew most people were more averse to random groping by hot guys than I was.
The man nodded blankly, staring at Gilbert who had gone to look at the types of beer available.
"Then could I get some of that? I think a dozen bottles should do for now. And then Gilbert will pick out a few cases of beer and we'll be gone, okay?"
"I- erm… he's your son?" the man managed to gasp out. He was sweating. Kind of gross but you know, I couldn't blame him after what just happened. The comment irritated me though.
"No, I just said I wasn't! He's just a… an annoying housemate. That's all, I'm only twenty eight!" I insisted.
"So, um, he's gay then?"
"Er, bi I think, probably," I wondered where this was going.
"So… think maybe I could get his phone number?" he asked in a low voice, a tiny smile sprouting on his lips. I gaped at him. He… he wanted…
"No! No, he gropes everyone, just like... no he doesn't really like you, I mean he groped me when we met, so it's just like how he says hello you know? Um, so like…"
"Hey Mom! They have a German bier! Score!" Gilbert picked up a case and called over his shoulder, clearly not listening to my awkward conversation.
"I'M NOT YOUR MOM! So like… he probably isn't actually that interested. His type is more…" I paused, noting the deflated look on the guy's face. "Erm… well… it's like…" I trailed off as Gilbert slammed six cases of the German beer on the counter, next to the vodka bottles the skinny guy had slowly been putting on the counter. It was then that I saw behind the counter and noticed for the first time the bulge in the front of the guy's pants. Wow. So Gilbert really did turn him on. Though I supposed he was rather hot, and some people liked a forward attitude, I could attest...
Before things could become more awkward (as the guy was already looking like he might try to ask Gilbert's number anyway and I didn't want some random townsperson calling my house) I yanked out my credit card and told him loudly that I would be charging the order. He reluctantly took the card and seemed to have lost his will to ask Gilbert out as the albino seemed to have stopped paying attention and was instead petting Gilbird.
Gilbert carried the beer to the car and I somehow managed to take all the vodka bottles in one trip (and as there was a half dozen that was some feat lemme tell you). Once in our seats and buckled in, I hesitated in turning the ignition key.
"Erm… hey Gilbert?"
"Would you want to have sex with the guy in there?"
Gilbert snorted. "What, are you jealous of seeing the awesome me paying attention to someone besides you?" Strangely there was some kind of dark look in his eyes. Huh, this sort of reminded me of something in the manual... didn't it say Prussia actually wanted a relationship? Well even if I was wrong, what good was preventing this from happening? I doubted Gilbert could conduct an actual relationship, but a hook up or two might actually keep him out of my hair so I could get some work done without him barging into my room. Also, potential homosexual sexy time viewing.
I paused and then smirked, deciding. "No, he was just asking for your number in there. I said you weren't interested, but if you went back in there, you could probably get in his pants. Just saying."
Gilbert stared at me, his jaw hanging slack. Could it be that he honestly didn't think he could get into everyone's pants?
"What, like, seriously?" he asked, seeming disbelieving. I clucked my tongue.
"Yes seriously, so did you want to shag him or not?"
"Well he's not… I mean I don't… but he… he wants…. Seriously?" Gilbert's mouth was still hanging open. How unattractive. Still though, what the hell. He honestly didn't think that guy wanted him? It was so fucking obvious... what the fuck.
"Yes seriously! So are you going or not?"
"I… heh. Kesesesesese, I know what you're doing, it's not going to work," he gave a sick grin and I scowled.
"You're trying to get me to leave so you can drive off without me! It's not going to work!"
"Just go get the goddamn sunflowers for your precious Russia, oh I'm sorry Ivan. Don't worry, I'm going to stay well out of the way while you try all your sick perversions on him." Was it just me, or did Prussia seem for all the world… upset? What the fuck? That was too fucking much for me.
"No! I'm completely serious. Do you want me to go in with you? Because I will! Come on, let's go!" I opened my car door and walked around to Gilbert's side, yanking it open once more. He stared at me once again slack jawed and I had to pull him from his seat and push him toward the liquor store again. The man at the counter looked up straight away, suddenly blushing brightly.
"Erm, d-did you forget something?" he asked.
"You want to have sex with him right?" I asked, pointing to Gilbert. The man at the counter stiffened and his entire face went red.
"I- but- you- but- didn't-?" he started to sputter unintelligibly and I hoped he wouldn't ruin this.
"Do you or do you not?" I demanded.
"I… well if… if he wanted… um…" the man looked quickly away, his wide eyed look firmly back in place. Hmm, except for a mole on the right ear and just off center nose, I could him cute. But of course, those in the real world always had physical flaws, I could fully attest to that and realised I had several of my own.
Gilbert's demeanour changed instantly with the liquor man's admission. He strolled right behind the counter and cupped the man's face with one hand, his crotch with the other. My face started heating up and my hands started wringing together down by my waist. Oh God, guy on guy! Guy on guy! REAL LIFE YAOI FLUFF YOU GUYS. If I weren't standing where they could see me...
"So, I hear you want my phone number?" Gilbert asked softly, his eyes boring into the guy and a shit-eating grin on his face.
"I… y-yeah?" the other guy was starting to smile now, his blush lessening to just his cheeks. I hardly noticed my hands going up to clutch at my breasts. It was a comfort thing, because god this was hot. I could see Gilbert's hand moving on the other guy's crotch.
"Awesome," Gilbert said and then abruptly drew away from the man and turned to me. My hands quickly shot away from my chest. "Hey Mom! What's my phone number?"
"Not… n-not your… ho shit," I started breathing again, unaware I had stopped doing that. I slowly rattled off my phone number in a daze. God, I had to look up some decent porn when I got home. Even before cleaning, I had to get some goddamn release over here; this was torture knowing they most likely wouldn't go further in front of me!
"Good with that?" Gilbert asked the man.
"Y-yeah," he whispered.
"Cool, so call the Awesome Prus- erm, the Awesome Gilbert when you want to set up something, deal?" Gilbert grinned.
"G-Gilbert? Huh, um, y-yeah. Yeah I will," the guy was looking far more confident now, brushing his longish dark brown hair out of his eyes. "My name's Corey."
"Great," Gilbert grinned again in his most perverted way, giving Corey's crotch one last firm squeeze. "Totally awesome." And with that he left the store. I followed him in a daze, visions of guys ripping each other's clothes off dancing in my head.
Prussia's grin continued as we got into the car again. I started up the engine and we drove a few blocks to the florist's. Prussia was in such a good mood that he even helped me carry all the sunflowers I bought out to the car (I'd bought out the entire supply the store had. Strange they carried this many in December...) and didn't even make a comment when I told him that if he was going to fuck Corey at my house he was going to have to help me with cleaning up the upstairs.
About ten minutes into the drive home I finally gave in and started to smile as well. Prussia's good mood was becoming infectious.
"Damn, you must seriously like this guy if you're this happy," I observed, blowing a slow breath out of my mouth. I would've given a low whistle, but I never quite figured out how to do that. My best whistle was something like a bird-ish tweet.
"Huh?" Prussia had been staring out the window again and seemed to startle out of a daydream. "Oh, um, well the Awesome Me obviously can have whatever ass he so wants. But I guess Corey's pretty cute. Yeah..." he was back to grinning out the window, his eyes glazed. Huh. I wonder if this kind of behaviour was normal in a Prussia Unit. Prussia clone. God what a strange concept.
"Oh, I just remembered something. So you are going to get a job right?" I asked, the farmer's field passing us by and the view turning into trees again, slowly growing closer together.
"I'm too awesome to-"
"No. You're getting a job," I smirked, "Maybe your new boyfriend could hook you up with one at the liquor store?"
Prussia suddenly... blushed. Okay what the hell...
"Erm... yeah... yeah he could!" he was grinning again. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck, was this normal? Did I break him? I mean I knew he was a clone and therefore a person but clearly there were expected behaviours since there was a manual and well... what the hell. I had no fucking idea getting him a potential hook up could lead to something like this. Was this good or bad? I didn't know but... strangely it didn't seem like it was... wrong for him to act like this. I mean I'd only ever seen Prussia act arrogant and git-like, but this didn't seem like a weird set up so...
"Hey stupid, you just passed your house," Prussia pointed out the window. I slammed on the break, sliding on the snowy road. Shit he was right! I backed up slowly.
The driveway was covered in snow again. Great.
After getting out of the car and retrieving the snow blower, I cleared off the driveway and drove the car into the garage. Prussia then finally got out (having refused to clear the driveway again and sat immovably in the car while I did so myself) and we gathered up the alcohol first and walked from the garage to my front door. I unlocked it, disabled the alarm, and took a deep breath inward. Home. I was home. It felt good to pet my dogs who were barking wildly at my feet and shut the door to the biting cold air. It was nice to dump vodka on my kitchen table, knowing soon Ivan would be sitting here enjoying them with me... god my heart was hammering again. Prussia took the beer and vanished downstairs, so I was left to carry in the sunflowers and the rest of the groceries myself, taking a good four trips to do so. I didn't mind though, the euphoric feeling of being home after the strenuous outing dispelled all possible rage. The feeling wouldn't last, but it was good for the moment.
Once I'd put the groceries away (making myself a peanut butter sandwich and eating that whilst in the process) I decided that I should get myself upstairs and figure out which room I would clean up for Russia.
I hadn't been up to the second floor too much over the last month and a half, most of the videos I watched were online and I found that most of the things I purchased online didn't have much use to me once I got them. When I got upstairs I opened the door of the first room I came to. It was full. And by full I mean I opened the door and was faced by towers of boxes and still-in-the-package games, toys, everything. Crazy. But there was no way I could clean so much of this, I couldn't even tell if there were windows in here! I closed the door and moved down the hall. I noticed two yellow eyes at the end of it and froze a second before I realised it was only Coco.
"Heeey chubby kitty. I'm looking for a room for Ivan, that's Russia from Hetalia, you remember?"
Coco just stared at me. She never was a responsive as Kelly...
"Fine, be that way," I rolled my eyes and opened another door next to the first. Oh, this was much nicer. A large window faced my back yard, and I only saw about half the room covered in DVDs, games and various other electronic devices. Right, I'd forgotten I sequestered this room for that sort of thing. And if memory served, the room next door held my dolls and figurines. How on earth had I forgotten that? Well at any rate, this room would probably do as a room for Ivan. Not the largest room in the house (I believed that might've been the one that was full to bursting) but a good size. The yellow paint on the walls was a bit bright for my liking, but Russia might approve of it. Yes, with the bed installed, maybe getting a dresser and moving a lamp from the living room upstairs, this could be a cute little living space. And he could of course decorate as he saw fit.
Or sleep with me. Or sleep with Prussia. I would make sure not to be too picky on where he slept because even if Russia was awesome sauce and I with all my heart and vital regions wished to be one with him, I knew enough to be afraid of getting him angry with me without a very, very good reason.
Anyway, I was indeed happy that this upstairs room was not as horrible as I'd feared it would be and I bustled about grabbing my stuff and depositing it in the room next door. Hmm, now that Prussia had mentioned it, the dolls around the perimeter did look a bit creepy staring at whomever so entered...
W-well, that just helped to guard my electronics right? So in any case, it took me about an hour to move all the piles but that was a much shorter time then I had imagined it would take. Somehow I'd gotten it into my head that all the rooms upstairs looked like the first one... geez. Well after moving my stuff (I had kind of dumped it on the floor in the other room, I would organize it again later! Probably...) I set to work cleaning the spotty windows, sweeping the dusty floor and generally making the room into a somewhat clean empty space. Then I suddenly realised there was a closet in the room.
... a full closet.
I really shouldn't have to explain what happened when I opened said full closet, because if any of you ever saw that old kids' show Zaboomafoo, you should have a pretty decent idea.
So once I'd managed to pick all that up and finish wincing over my various bumps and scrapes, I hobbled downstairs to enjoy a glass of frosty milk and got back to my bedroom. Finishing the glass I set it on my bedside table and flopped down on my mattress, closing my eyes to just rest. Such exertion today, so exhausting that I could just drift off, so I did.
When I woke up, I could smell sausage and heard incredibly out of tune singing. I was still kind of sleepy, but I moved from my bed and stiffly walked out of my room toward the kitchen where the smell and terrible sound grew more intense. I didn't recognise the words, probably in German, but it sounded something like a drinking song.
Walking into the kitchen I wasn't surprised to find Prussia frying up sausage at the stove. What did surprise me was the fact that he was wearing a frilly pink apron.
"Hey, ready to eat honey? Cause dinner's almost done! Hope you like nice big juicy sausage!" he started giggling wildly and I awkwardly sat at the table.
"Erm... okay..." I said slowly, wondering what the fuck this was about. Prussia served me up a plate and I slowly carved into my wurst, taking a bite. Huh, well it was good just... this was a bit... weird. A bit very weird.
"Corey called while you were asleep!" Prussia giggled, smoothing his apron and sitting across from me.
"... okay..." I said with a frown.
"He wants to go on a date! Like, not just a hook up, an actual date!" Prussia giggled again. How unnerving.
"G-great..." My eyes travelled over to the counter where Prussia's manual was still sitting. "Give me a second would you?"
I hurried over to the manual and flipped it open. Prussia took little notice and began eating his sausages with earnest. I flipped easily to the 'modes' that were listed.
"The hell... domesticated mode I guess since he's wearing an apron... where the hell did he get that from?" I was whispering to myself. So sue me.
"Can be caused by leaving alone with... well I don't have any of these other units! How the fuck did this happen when I don't? God... well maybe it's because... well these other characters, don't they all have pairings with him? Is this because of the Corey thing?" I was still whispering. Again, so sue me.
"One way out... oh god do I really have to say that?" I moaned. Prussia had now gotten out of his seat and was starting to run water in the sink to do the dishes, humming out of tune.
"But goddamn this mode is creeping me out. I'd rather he was spouting shit about being awesome than this," I muttered.
Finally I sighed, giving in. Yeah, it was a sexist thing to say and I might wish this mode was back later, but goddamn the pink apron was creepy. Again, where did it come from?
"Um, hey Gilbert, you know that only women should be in the kitchen right?" I said dully. Immediately Gilbert's hands dropped the dishes into the sink and he turned and sneered at me.
"Well duh, the Great Prussia is too awesome for dishes!" he scoffed, tore off the apron (no, seriously, WHERE DID IT COME FROM?) and then went down the stairs to his room. The fuck...
Well now I was left with the dishes to clean up, but at least Prussia was back to normal. For now. Good god what the hell, he was a clone, so he was alive, but he did weird mode shifting things and I don't even know what genetic modifications his original might've had and FUCK this was confusing.
So I decided to play a few dozen games of minesweeper, watched twelve episodes of Ouran High School Host Club (I had decided to re-watch them recently, Kyoya is my sex god on that show!) and then went to bed with all thoughts of Prussia's confusing mannerisms effectively brushed from my mind.
I would then receive a good eight hours sleep. I would've gladly slept longer if I hadn't heard my doorbell ringing and Prussia yelling for me to get the door. Someone was at the door? This early? Well with a check of the clock it was around eight am but still...
I got out of bed and wrapped a bath robe around my pyjamas before venturing into the house. Prussia was sitting in the living room as I could see when I reached the front hall. I looked hesitantly out the window.
It was that guy. That delivery guy. With a crate.
"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD YES! YES! OH MY GOD YES!" My mind started flashing through what I had gotten ready. The sunflowers were set up in the room, the bed would have to wait but he would probably want to sleep with his peace offering tonight anyway and well... I would have to put on clothes before I opened it but this was just... just... I quickly flung open the door. And got blasted by frigid air again, soaking into my robe but I didn't care- I was getting Russia! Honest to god...
"Oh wait, hand me that manual first bub," I said darkly, holding my hand out. The delivery man rolled his eyes and handed me the paper.
The front cover read: IVAN BRAGINSKI: User Guide and Manual
"YES!" I screamed, "BRING THAT PUPPY IN!"
I could hear Prussia muttering something from the living room but I didn't give a crap, Russia was here! Ivan! My lovely, lovely Hetalia heart throb! I could cry from excitement!
I started riffling through the manual eagerly as the delivery man heaved the crate through my front door. Once again, his job, I wasn't going to help the guy. Besides, he was just an average Joe, whereas now I would be sharing house space with two impossibly perfect looking guys who would have sexy interactions and... and well... god it was going to be a good day!
"Jobs... Bodyguard, Drinker, Athlete, heh. Removal... I'll get back to that. Modes? Creepy? Oh god you can always be creepy with me Russia... Relationships with other... oh ho ho, Gilbert you will be raped," probably a good thing I was muttering this to myself... "Cleaning... um, hold my head? Good thing I didn't intend to do that. Feeding... oh shit, forgot that Russian cook book! Oh wait, internet, so that's fine..."
"So are you good?"
"Huh?" my eyes locked back on the delivery man.
"Are you good? Can I go now?" he asked, eyeing the door.
"Oh yeah, sure, get out," I said, waving dismissively. He rolled his eyes a final time before leaving and shutting the door behind him.
Finally. Finally. I had waited my whole life for this moment. Ever since I started having crushes on fictional guys, I had waited for one of those I adored so greatly to come to life and it seemed that science had given me that miracle. I would have him, all to myself and my perverted desires...
Finally. Finally. Finally.
As I started looking at the Removal Instructions, Prussia came in from the living room and glared at the crate.
"So this is him, huh?" he asked.
"Yep!" I replied cheerfully, raking my fingers through my tangled brown hair and fixing my glasses on my nose. Pretending to be Belarus and frighten him? Oh no, I'd never do that to my beloved sexy Ivan...
"You know he's going to rape me right? What the fuck about Corey? Cheating is not awesome," he scowled. I paused in my reading. I... hadn't really thought about Corey. Well they probably wouldn't have worked out anyway and RussPruss was way hotter.
"Hey Prussia, mind screaming that you're awesome at the top of your lungs?" I asked innocently.
"Sure! I'M AWESOME!" Prussia yelled loud enough to shake walls. I winced at the sound and noticed Kelly darting out from the living room and going to hide in the kitchen. My dogs (where they had been when the delivery man had come in I don't know) scuttled into the room and began their usual campaign of barking. I immediately went to stand back, expecting the box to explode with a Russian roving to molest the next Prussian he saw.
But... the explosion never came. No sound was heard from the box at all actually.
"Um..." my blood felt like ice in my veins. What the hell did this mean? W-was he... th-they didn't get him... he couldn't be... dead in that box could he?
"What's wrong? You're all pale and stuff, totally un-awesome," Prussia observed, leaning against the wall and looking huffy.
"Well, considering that should've made Russia leapt from that box and rape you on sight, I'm concerned that he... well..." I couldn't say it. But the last option was to open the box and, well, I guess I would have to open the box. Whatever was inside... I would just have to do it.
Slowly and carefully I searched the edge of the box top for a hint of a latch. I found none, so with a sigh I went to my bedroom and grabbed a crowbar. I kept one there in case of a break in. Not that I had ever had one but you can't be too careful you know?
I managed to work the crowbar between the lid and the box and pried the two apart. Prussia watched the proceedings warily as the lid was removed and I peered inside.
At the bottom of the box were a beige Red Army overcoat, a white scarf, an Imperial Russia uniform, a water pipe, five bottles of vodka, and a sleeping child of about six year of age wearing an overcoat and a dark coloured ushanka.
I quickly flipped open the manual, ran my eyes down to trouble shooting, and looked back in the box.
The small child's violet eyes opened. He smiled up, looking hopelessly adorable. They sent me Little!Russia? Not what I asked for, not by a long shot, but still... looked... so cute...
"Oh, are you Mother Russia?" he asked softly, cocking his head to one side.
God fucking damn it.
((Joyful Note: You know what? I've just hit 27 pages. This is too fucking long! I'm ending this sucker here and you can find out what went wrong at Wal-Mart next chapter! As it is, stay tuned; don't get caught in traffic, and stay frosty. Bleck. I hope you're all satisfied with this; I make no guarantees on the next part being longer or shorter than this one because I HAVE NO IDEA ANYMORE. It just kept getting longer and longer and I'M CUTTING IT OFF I SAY. So yeah. Have fun with this.))