Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ anything except my weird fics and ideas. You don't like it? Too bad. Best of luck in trying to sue me; chances are high that at most you'd get maybe two pennies. I'm sure that'd go real far.
Author's Note: I've been on a DBZ jag for a while, and in the course of RPing with my good friend Rama-Olendris (as I'm a fan of Raditz) we came up with the idea of a reoccurring conversation between Raditz and his 'darling' little brother. That small plot bunny, in turn, sparked this entertaining fic before you. As for the rest of it… You'll see. All I have left to say is this: Read, enjoy, and review! C&C is greatly appreciated!
"You've got to be freaking kidding me." Raditz was staring at his little brother as though he strongly suspected that he was more brain damaged than previously understood. He had been resurrected by said brain-damaged younger brother little more than a month before (apparently Kakarott had been feeling some bizarre longing for family that he hadn't even known for more than a few hours before killing them- go figure- in one of the many examples of his stupidity that Raditz was sure would give rise to an aneurism), and since he'd been brought back he'd been living with his brother's family. Originally he hadn't had much problem with that, though he frequently questioned whether his younger sibling was in his right mind (after all, who in their right mind invited someone they had killed to live with them?), but as he'd gotten to know the Earth-raised maniac he had been slowly becoming convinced that Kakarott was a few bolts shy of a stable ship.
The two of them sat in the livingroom of the Son household; Kakarott sat on a gods-awful fluorescent orange-and-yellow stuffed chair that faced sideways to the currently off TV, and Raditz had taken up residence on an almost sinfully comfortable blue couch with his legs stretched out to take up a second seat and half of the third. Usually Raditz tried to ignore how eye-bleeding-ly awful the chair Kakarott sat in was, but the fact that his younger brother had to sit in the damn thing and bright noon sunshine was peeking through the window to light it up made it rather difficult to do so. He couldn't help wondering in the back of his mind if Chichi would actually let him throw it away. 'Probably only if it's broken…' Brushing aside thoughts of massacring eye-bleed furniture, he focused on his expectant little brother.
"Kakarott… What part of that is so hard to understand?"
The younger saiyan cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy (internally Raditz shuddered at that imagery- if Kakarott was a dog then he'd be the stupidest, biggest, and clumsiest Great Dane to ever exist in the history of Earth) and said, "It just doesn't make sense."
Raditz gave his dense little brother an unenthused look. It was times like this that he wondered what failed presence of mind Chichi had to have had to even look at the runt twice. "It's amputation Kakarott. You don't just cut off a Saiyan's tail! How can you not understand how wrong that is?"
"…But it's just a tail," Kakarott persisted with a bit of a pout.
Giving vent to a face-palm, Raditz let out a deep breath before trying to make the fool see sense again. "It's a limb Kakarott. You talk about cutting off your children's tails like it's nothing. Would you even say the same thing if somebody told you it was a good idea to cut off one of their arms?" If anything his little brother's confusion became more pronounced as he laced his fingers together and started twiddling his thumbs. Raditz had been trying to cure him of that obnoxious nervous habit ever since he'd come back. Being one of the most powerful people in the universe and thumb-twiddling were not supposed to come together in one person as far as he was concerned. As Kakarott clearly lacked in the intelligence and necessary Saiyan pride to understand this, it fell to his infuriated elder brother to correct him. "…Stop that."
Kakarott's hands stilled and he gave a brief frown. "But an arm's not like a tail," he stated, acting almost as though he hadn't heard Raditz's brief rebuke.
"Kakarott… You're being a fool. I can write with my tail for gods-sake! And you want to tell me, 'Oh, there's no point in keeping it'? Besides, cutting off a Saiyan's tail is something you just don't do."
"…You can write with your tail?" Raditz shot his brother an aggravated look, but didn't snap at him to stay on topic. He'd long since given up trying to stop his brother's habit of rapid-fire topic change. "How did you figure that out?"
Seeing that Kakarott was unlikely to let it go any time soon, he gave a gusty sigh. "I got bored while on a mission at one point. Now can we get back on topic?"
"Wow, you must have been really bored," Kakarott answered obliviously.
Raditz's tail gave an irate flick, but he knew that the body language was lost on his dim-witted brother. It made the situation just that much more irritating. "Yes I was. Now if we're done talking about the fact that I can write with my tail-"
"Is there anything else you can do with it?"
"What do you mean 'is there anything else'? It's practically freaking prehensile in all directions! You had a tail at one point! How can you not realize this?"
"…It's been a long time," Kakarott sheepishly admitted.
As Raditz's eyes began to water due to the horrendous colors of Kakarott's gi blending into that damnable chair, he looked away. Maybe if he 'accidentally' set fire to it… "Kakarott, you're a moron."
"Hey!" the younger Saiyan squawked. "That's just mean! And I thought I asked you to call me Goku."
Raditz rolled his eyes. Kakarott had an obnoxious habit of only realizing what his brother was calling him when they were starting to get into an argument- and then he'd start whining about wanting to be called Goku regardless of Raditz's reasoning. "One- I'm not mean, I'm your older brother. I'm entitled to give you a hard time. Two- your name is Kakarott. It's the name our parents gave you. It was the name you were born with. Ergo, you are Kakarott- end of sentence, end of statement. So just get over it already and accept the fact that I am not calling you that damn name."
"But what about-"
"I said no already, so just let it go!" Raditz's tail had puffed up and started flicking irately from side to side as he glowered at his younger brother, the occasional thump against the couch punctuating his temper. True, he'd had to accept that his little brother was the stronger fighter, but Raditz had quickly realized that he was the smarter of the two- and he had no trouble exploiting that advantage if they got into an actual physical fight. Kakarott pouted at him, but Raditz had no intention of budging where his little brother's name was concerned.
"Will you at least look at me?"
Raditz gave a snort and retorted, "And look at that offensive piece of furniture you insist on occupying? Hell no."
Kakarott gave a befuddled blink and leaned toward his brother. "You don't like the chair?"
The bigger Saiyan suddenly had the urge to either bite his brother or throttle him. Not being as impulsive as either Kakarott or Vegeta, Raditz took a deep calming breath and let it out before he even thought about replying. He sat there for a moment, his eyes closed, as he tried to calm himself enough to not start ranting about his brother's idiocy. When he finally opened his eyes and locked a glare onto the younger Saiyan, he snapped out, "Have you LOOKED at that thing? It's so damned hideous that I'm beginning to wonder if it's aneurism-inducing! If I look at it too long I'm liable to start bleeding from my eyes!"
For a moment a real look of concern flashed onto Kakarott's face, and then he caught on to Raditz's sarcasm. "I don't think it's that bad…"
"It is that bad," Raditz scoffed.
"…I think it's kind of nice. It's bright and comfy."
Raditz stared at the younger with an expression that all too clearly said, 'are you even listening to yourself?' He waited until his brother began to fidget uncomfortably before he began speaking, massaging his temples with his eyes closed as he did so. "Kakarott, that damn chair is one of the most hideously offensive pieces of furniture I have ever seen in my entire life. Just looking at it makes my eyes water. So if you want me to look at you while we're having this insipid conversation, then move. Otherwise, get used to it."
Kakarott frowned, but got up and moved to the end of the couch Raditz was occupying. "Move your feet," he ordered in an undemanding tone. For a moment Raditz considered refusing, but then he relented. After all, there was no point in hearing Kakarott's squealing rant that Raditz was just as mean as Vegeta… again. After about the fifth time he'd heard it, he swore to himself that if the tail-less twit started it one more time that he was going to gag him and lock him in a closet. As satisfying as that thought was, he knew that the brat would only break out of it in less than a second and start squealing at him more, so he had to settle for trying not to set Kakarott off again.
As soon as his little brother had sat down Raditz put his feet back where they had been, leaving them hanging off the side of Kakarott's lap. "Anyway-"
"Hey!" the younger man complained, "I'm not a foot-rest!"
"You are now," Raditz stated. "And before you start going off on 'how rude' it is of me- I'm your older brother. I'm entitled. It's not like I'm sitting on you or kicking you around. Besides, we're Saiyans. We're a social species. If you flip out about your older brother using you as a footrest, then I don't want to know how you are with your kids. Oh, wait, that's right- you're the nut that sees no problem with cutting the tails off your children!"
"Are you going on about that again? It's just a tail."
"You're being obliviously stupid. It's a part of a Saiyan. You don't cut off a Saiyan's tail- you just don't," Raditz growled.
Finally Kakarott actually got together enough spine to ask his moody brother the question he really wanted an answer to. "Why?"
The elder gave a twitch, a brief look of barely suppressed psychotic rage flickering in his eyes. Baring his fangs, he snarled out, "It's an insult. The worst insult that can possibly be given to any of our species! To cut off a Saiyan's tail is like saying that they're unsuitable to anything but being another's property! NOW do you get it?"
Kakarott stopped and considered everything very carefully. During the brief time he'd had to get to know Raditz he'd learned that his brother's patience was limited; one more thing to tip the scales on Raditz's temper and he was likely to fly off the handle and yell at him in Saiyan… again… which Kakarott didn't understand anyway. "So…," he chanced, "it's kind of like saying someone is a slave?"
Raditz gave an overdramatic gasp and brought his right hand up to his face as if in shock. When he spoke his voice was dripping with sarcasm. "You actually figured it out? Congratulations! You've effectively proven that you're not completely brain-damaged beyond all redemption!"
"That's just… mean," Kakarott pouted, turning wounded puppy-eyes on his brother. This wasn't the first time he'd done it and much though Raditz hated to admit it, it had actually proven rather effective for diffusing his temper.
Raditz scowled and corrected his brother yet again. "Again- older brother; therefore entitled to give you a hard time. Even if that means telling you that you're being an idiot when you're being an idiot… And would you stop looking at me like that? Don't you have any damned pride?"
"No. Why should I?"
Raditz stared gape-mouthed at the fool for a full five minutes, unable to find anything to say due to the dumb-founded shock running rampant in his mind. How could it possibly be that this fool- this idiot, this cretin, this clown- had somehow managed to get himself grudgingly acknowledged as one of Vegeta's near-equals when he was as un-Saiyan as could possibly be without being an entirely different species? How was it that this moron could simultaneously be the pride and the shame of the entire Saiyan race (or what remained of it) and not even know it? It simply defied all logic that Raditz was in any way familiar with, and the fact that Kakarott took no notice of the peculiarity whatsoever just made it even more unbelievable.
"…Can I ask something?" Kakarott ventured cautiously. Raditz gave a non-committal grunt in response, still unable to form a coherent sentence through his disbelief. "Why are you 'entitled'," he asked, making air-quotes with his fingers, "to pick on me just because you're my older brother?"
"…Kakarott, if you haven't figured that out yet, then you haven't been keeping a very good eye on your sons." Raditz's little brother gave him an absolutely baffled look as though he had no concept of what Raditz was talking about. The elder of the two gave vent to a face-palm and the barest hint of an infuriated growl. "Kakarott… Siblings pick on each other. Your sons pick on each other. Hell, Goten and Trunks pick on each other and they're not even related! Then again, as close as the two of them are they may as well be brothers…"
"You really think so? You really think the boys are that close?" The beaming smile plastered on the brain-damaged fool's face when Raditz finally glanced at him was almost enough to make Vegeta's former advisor/bodyguard want to start ripping out his own hair. Clearly, in typical Kakarott fashion, his little brother had zeroed in on the one thing that wasn't really important to the conversation. Raditz couldn't help thinking that his little brother was a bit like Nappa that way.
"It isn't a question of whether or not they're that close, it's…," taking a deep breath so he wouldn't start ranting, Raditz tried again. "Look; siblings pick on each other. Your children-"
Raditz gave a sigh that had once been reserved strictly for Nappa; a sigh that easily translated as 'if you don't shut the hell up in the next three seconds I'm going to massacre you'. Naturally Kakarott didn't get the hint. Raditz knew there was little point in expecting him to. "…Yes, even Trunks."
"Oh really? That's just ama-"
"Kakarott… Shut up."
"Let me finish damn it!" Raditz snapped, his tail colliding with the couch in rapid-fire thumps.
"As I was saying," Raditz snarled with a barely contained threat, "your sons pick on each other. Siblings do so- it's a fact of life. No big deal. So yes, I am entitled to pick on you. Call it making up for lost time."
"Really?" Kakarott almost squealed with delight, his eyes lighting up at the thought that Raditz was actually showing some brotherly affection for him.
"Gh… Yes Kakarott. Just…"
"So you don't hate me?"
"…If I hated you, I wouldn't be using you as a foot-rest. You just annoy the hell out of me."
Almost before Raditz could react, Kakarott had gleeped onto him and gave another squeal of delight. "You actually love me! You're the best older brother ever!"
Giving an undignified squawk in surprise, Raditz quickly recovered himself and scowled at the happily humming tail-less twit that had seen fit to attach himself like a leech to his older brother's side. It was silent between them for a few moments, quiet enough that Raditz could hear the birds chirping outside the closed windows before he spoke. "I'm your only brother," he grunted.
"And you care," Kakarott gushed as enthusiastically as a nerd at an anime convention. Raditz twitched.
"…Get off me."
"'Kay," the younger stated as he scrambled to release himself from the tangle he was in with his brother. His reward for his awkward removal was losing his balance and tipping until he hit the floor- at which Raditz couldn't help smirking.
"Graceful, Kakarott. Really."
The younger Saiyan laughed sheepishly. "Not exactly my best moment."
"…Kakarott, let's face it: outside of battle you're a klutz."
Kakarott pouted at that, but got to his feet all the same. "You don't have to be mean about it."
"It's not mean to tell the truth."
"Then it's not mean for me to say that Gohan and Goten not having their tails isn't that big a deal?"
Raditz twitched, gave an aggravated sigh and growled out, "You have until the count of ten to start running Kakarott."
"But it's just a-"
"It's not that big of a-"
"I don't see the problem. Even you should be able to get by fine without a tail. Vegeta does," Kakarott protested.
Chichi walked into the room a second later to see the living room door hanging open and her husband running from Raditz down the hill their home occupied. "What in the world?" she murmured.
The only clue she got was a panicked shriek of, "I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry," from her husband as he ran from his brother.
"You'll be sorry alright when I get my hands on you, Kakarott! Come back here!"
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