I don't know if I'll add another chapter to this. I feel like I should because it didn't really capture all of the thoughts about suicide and stuff, but I don't know. I suck at updating regularly, so it'd be kind of annoying to you guys I think. I don't know. Tell me what you think.
Worthless. That's how I feel every day. I'm never good enough.
It never gets better. My issues aren't 'temporary' problems, they're permanent. So why not use a permanent solution?
Honestly, Eli is all that is keeping me from killing myself, but even that is fading away. I love him, but I'm sure that he doesn't love me yet. But he acts like he does, and I like that feeling, even if it might not even be real. I like-no, I love the way that he kisses me and hugs me and smirks at me and teases me. He's perfection, but he has one messed up girlfriend. And something about that just freaks me out, makes me want to just die right now.
I want my family to be a family again. I want my parents to get back together. I want Darcy to come back from Kenya. I want my family to pay attention to me like they used to. I mean, my mom is supposed to be home with me tonight, but she's either wasted at a bar or fucking a stranger that she met at the bar. I'm not the daughter anymore.
I don't want to be known as Saint-Clare. I don't want people to expect me to get straight A's. It's too much pressure. It's all just too much.
But none of my wishes will come true. No matter how much I want it all to stop, I'm still hurting. I'm hurting so badly.
And that is why I'm holding a razor blade in my hand right now. Even Eli can't stop me from doing this anymore.
"One cut, and you'll be okay. It'll be all over," I hear myself say. I keep reassuring myself, "It's not even a sin. Sins can't even be real. God wouldn't put all of this on you." I feel myself picking up the razor blade again. "And Eli will move on. It'll be okay. He'll be okay. And Darcy will be fine, too. She's in Kenya, making other people happy. And Adam will get over it. He has Eli. They'll help each other. And Mom and Dad can get over each other, so they can get over you. It'll all be fine."
I feel tears running down my cheeks. I know that this is one of the last moments on earth for me.
Except I also feel hesitant, like there in fact is a little bit of hope. My mind tells me that maybe I shouldn't do this. But I also know that these feelings will come back soon. It's a never-ending cycle. But it can end if I do this.
But at the same time, something, maybe that voice in the back of my head, is telling me to just pick up my cell phone and call Eli, to tell him that I need him right now. But I don't know if I should listen to the voice. It hasn't gotten me anywhere in my life, has it?
I don't know.
But I guess that voice has more power over me, because I feel my hands pick up my phone and dial Eli's number. I can hear my heartbeat quicken - no, not at the excitement of hearing my boyfriend's voice, but of fear that he'll call me a crazy bitch - and tears are falling down my face faster.
I hear my voice. "E-Eli?" I can tell that I'm sobbing.
Eli sounds like he's panicking. "Clare? What's wrong?"
"I-I n-need-" I feel myself starting to choke on my words and I can't finish my sentence. I take a deep breath, and try again. "I-I need y-you."
I can hear Eli moving around. I figure that he's moving around. "I'm coming over, Clare. I'll be right there." I can feel myself calm down, just a little bit, after Eli says that.
And now, I wait for Eli to arrive.
I'm still sitting in my room when I hear a car - actually, a hearse - pull up by my house. I don't move, though. I can hear Eli knocking on the door now, and he's smart enough to just open it. He probably realized that no one else was home.
I try to quiet my sobs when Eli comes up to my room. I don't want him to see me like this, like some pathetic, suicidal girl. I start to wonder why I called him in the first place. I don't want to live.
I hear Eli's voice, calm but panicked. "Clare? What's wrong?" I feel him touch my shoulder, and I find myself buried in his chest, sobbing.
I can tell that Eli saw my razor blade. It feels like he stopped thinking all together; his body just seems like that. Then I feel his arms wrap around me tightly, and I feel secure.
I can feel his hands rubbing my back and our bodies slowly moving back and forth, calming me down. I can feel my tears slowing down. I can feel everything starting to slow down as Eli rocks me gently.
I start to pull away, and Eli lets go. I look at him through my watery eyes, and his expression just makes me want to cry more. He looks like he just witnessed someone beating a child.
He looks down at his hand, the hand that's holding my blade. I can tell that he's trying to figure out what to say, and he finally opens his mouth. "W-what is this for?" He asks, his voice shaking.
Strangely, I feel calm. "I'm suicidal," I hear myself say. As soon as the words come out, though, I want to take them back. But I can't. Eli heard them. I can tell because his eyes are starting to water.
I open my mouth to continue, knowing that Eli wants to hear more, to know more. "The divorce has been stressing me out, and I want to be able to believe in God like I used to, and I miss Darcy, and I want to be perfect like everyone expects me to, and I want to be happy again, but I... can't be. And it freaks me out, and I want to die." I want to kick myself because I basically said it all in one, run-on sentence. Saint-Clare is supposed to have perfect grammar.
"Clare," Eli says. His voice is still shaky. I feel bad, guilty for putting him through this.
"Y-you don't deserve this," I whisper. "I'm sorry." I look away from Eli.
I feel Eli take my hand, warmth spreading through it. "I need you, Clare. You can't... I need you."
I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes. "Don't lie just because your girlfriend wants to kill herself."
I can tell that Eli is trying to be strong for me, because he's shaking and trying to hold his tears in. "I'm not lying. Clare, I need you. Please, please don't do this. Please don't feel this way."
Eli looks at me in the eyes. Something about his expression makes me believe him, and I launch myself back into his arms. I cry and cry until I feel like I'm going to fall asleep.
And the whole time, Eli is hushing me and stroking my hair and my back and making me feel wanted. I'm not sure if I should believe him or not, but right now, I do.
I pull away from Eli when I think that I've stopped crying, and tears are stained on his cheeks, too. I feel guilty again.
Eli puts my razor blade in his pocket, then looks at me in the eyes. "Is this all that you have?"
He pulls me into another hug. "What can I do to help?" He asks, his voice muffled.
"I don't know," I whisper.
We stay in our hug for a while, but I get tired and Eli can tell that I'm close to falling asleep. "Can I stay the night?" He asks.
I nod. We both lay down in my bed, and Eli is stroking my side as I start to fall asleep. I'm glad that he doesn't notice the tears rolling down my cheeks, because I feel bad for making him so sad.
"I love you," Eli whispers before I fall asleep.
I smile. "I love you too."
But then another tear falls down my cheek.
I was experimenting with, like, writing styles or whatever in this. So. Yeah.