Public Disclaimer: Mrs. M owns it all. I don't even have an Edward Cullen doll. (Action figure?) Two Point of Views in this chapter. We start with Alice and then move on to Bella.

4. Criminal Mastermind

A peek into the bedazzled mind of Alice McCarty:

After two weeks of being stuck at home, I was finally going to get to go back to school. I did not take well to being bedridden. At first, it was nice but after three days, it gets kind of old asking for someone to help you to the bathroom.

Today is Monday and I get to go back to school and I simply cannot wait. It's not that I don't like learning but my only reason for going is to see Jasper. I NEED to see Jasper. Maybe he will finally speak to me. Be still, my heart. Jasper, Jasper, Jasper. You cannot possibly understand how gorgeous he is. He is so out my league. Bella tells me that he carried me to the car and that he waited in the hospital lounge for hours. Can you just imagine? Excuse me while I give a little scream. My poor friend Bella still feels so guilty about breaking my ankle. I know, deep down inside, right by my kidney, that I was completely at fault but Grammie always told me, "When in doubt, blame the man." I blame Jasper.

I worry for Bella. Em tells me that the kids at school gave her a really bad time after the Great Trash Can Tragedy. Cool name, huh? Anyhoo, Em says that they started calling her Trash Girl but she never said a word. She kept her cool and ignored them. But I know my best friend. I know it must have hurt her. Em also says he defended her against some of the crueler jokes that were said about her and that now, he refuses to speak to some of the guys on the team. He said that they are all tools. Just wait until I get to school! Those tools will wish they never spoke her name.

Good Lord! It's almost time to go and I still need to finish getting dressed. What matches a cast? Nothing! Good thing I decorated my cast. I made it more Alice-like. That's right – it has been bedazzled. So now it matches everything I own because everything I own sparkles. It's all about the sparkle and shimmer, you know. I read that in Teen Vogue so you know it's the truth.

Em said he was going to catch a ride with "the hot foreign chick" so Bella was coming over to drive me to school. Em couldn't get a girl from Forks to save his life so now he is after the foreign exchange student. That poor girl will go back to Austria completely traumatized. Maybe Australia? Whatevs. I love Em but he is not the best thing from Forks; I am. What was I thinking? Oh! Charlie! Charlie grounded her so she couldn't drive her truck. I had to call him and ask if he could possibly let her drive me in the Cookie Monster. Of course, he said yes but with one condition. Bella had to walk to my house, drive me to and from school, and then walk back. Good thing we lived two blocks away from each other. I wonder if I can bedazzle the Cookie Monster?

"How do you solve a problem like Bella?" I sang as I got dressed. The Sound of Music is one of my faves, you know. "A girl like BELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAA."

OH. MY. SWEET. BEDAZZLER!

I know what to do. I do! I do! I do! I am going to need some help and I know just the guy to help me help her.

~o~o~o~o~

There comes a time in all friendships that one must step back and ask the most important question of all:

"Are you smoking crack, Alice?"

This question must be asked with a look of complete disbelief and utter shock. Lucky for me, I could do both. Throw in the bitch brow and I'm golden.

"Nope, not gonna do it. You can't make me. No, no, and no. Let me say it in a foreign language just in case you need it in Spanish, too. No."

It's been five weeks since the Trash Can Tragedy (Alice named it; not me) and I had become Alice's gofer. Not that I mind, mind you. I mean, I did break her ankle. While she had been stuck in bed, I made sure to collect her homework and drop it off. I also made trips to Newton's for peppermint patties, glittery pens, a butterfly lamp, and once for a pastrami on rye. Alice was most definitely milking this for everything she could get away with.

We were in her bedroom, attempting to solve math problems (me) and write an essay on the pros and cons of supporting organic farming (her). Let me just tell you that I am in love with Alice's room. First, there's her house. The McCartys live in the only round house in Forks. There are no sharp edges in their house at all. Mrs. McCarty said she felt that sharp edges would do her in. I love her like she was my own mom but there is no denying that she is one nugget short of a Happy Meal. Secondly, Alice's room looks like a woodland fairy haven but bedazzled. Everything sparkles and I mean everything. It was just so Alice that it's sort of scary. And last but not least, there's her bed. I want her bed. Short of winning the lottery, I will never own a bed as comfy as hers. I want to stay in it forever. Even Emmett admitted that it was one cool bed.

Alice, my once sane friend, must have been knocking back one too many pain pills. How else could she possibly come up with this crazy idea?

"Come on, please? Please, please, please? For me? Just this once and I will never, ever, ever ask you for anything ever again."

Yeah, right. Alice has been begging me for the past twenty minutes to sign up for the Forks High Talent Show. I can't concentrate on my trig and I know I am going to cave. Why, Baby Jesus? Why am I such a wuss?

"Who else is in it? And I will not be the front, right? I'll fall right off the stage if I have to be in front."

Caving in wuss – that's me.

It was at this time that Alice let out the loudest scream ever screamed, I went deaf, and Emmett came charging in.

"What the fuck is going on? Are you hurt? Who's dying?" Emmett asked quickly, eyes darting all around. "Do I need to dial 911?"

"Emmett! Bella said she would help me in the talent show. Oh my god! We'll need to do a routine and get costumes and maybe some props. It is going to be the best thing ever. Oh my god! Oh my God! Get ready, Forks! We are about to show everyone how it's done!"

And that is how I ended up partnered with Jasper's friend, Edward Cullen.

Shoot me now.

END NOTES:

Rodgers, Richard and Oscar Hammerstein II. "Maria." The Sound of Music (soundtrack). Columbia Masterworks, 1959. CD.