I will start off by saying that this is the most random thing that I have ever written. Not only that, but I put off studying for finals to do it, because the idea wouldn't leave me alone until I finished it! But it's done now, and I hope you at least get some entertainment from it.
It all started when I was reading the latest chapters of Naruto. In them, Naruto trains with Killer Bee, and I couldn't help but laugh because Killer Bee is portrayed as the stereotypical black man-he raps, he swears, and he calls Naruto a "crazy cracker". I don't know if that was what he really said or whether the translators were just having fun with it, but Killer Bee was so blatantly black man that I couldn't help but find humor in it. This oneshot is spawned from that, and because I'm black myself, I'm allowed to write this. XD I dedicate it to my friend LM, who found Killer Bee as funny as I did. ^_^
I don't own Naruto. Err, or Blood+. Or Midori Days. Hell, I don't even own a Snuggie. If I did, I would be a rich muthaf*ka, yo.
Sakura sighed, her irritation rising. She sat on the training field, watching people go by.
Shikamaru and Temari passed, fingers laced and making googly eyes at each other.
Lee ran past, three small academy students clinging to each of his legs.
Ino strolled by, batting her eyelashes at Choji. She stopped flirting long enough to yell "Forehead!" at her.
"Pig!" Sakura returned the greeting.
Neji and Tenten walked by, deep in conversation, and walking a little too close together.
Lee ran by, five academy students attached to each leg.
Shizune stopped to kiss Genma before turning and heading to work.
Iruka-sensei strolled by, smiling at her knowingly.
Lee trudged by, at least ten students somehow clinging to each of his legs.
Sakura sighed impatiently. She could understand the sudden surge in the number of couples. After the war, people started to see that life was too short to waste time. She wouldn't be surprised if there was a sudden influx of pregnancies. It was understandable.
And Lee was just...Lee.
But what she couldn't understand was how her sensei had managed to be two and a half hours late! He was the one who wanted to train together again in the first place!
But most of all…
"Where the hell is Naruto?" she hissed dangerously under her breath. That idiot was never this late! In fact, he was almost always early!
A small pop was heard behind her, and Sakura gritted her teeth, happy to have someone to direct her anger towards. She slowly turned her head.
Kakashi raised a hand, the other securely holding Icha Icha up to eye-level. His visible eye smiled. "Yo."
"Do you realize how long you've kept me sitting here?" Sakura growled. "If I have to see Lee run by one more time—"
As if on cue, Lee dragged by, what looked like the entire graduating class hanging off of his body.
Sakura scowled at Kakashi. In the time she was waiting, she could have gone and found herself a boyfriend! It wasn't as if there weren't any willing men around.
Kakashi's eye still smiled at her. "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan. You see, I realized that I had left my shoes at school after track practice, so I ran to go get them. But then once I got there, this scary monster thing reached down from a tree and beheaded the security guard right in front of me. So I ran into the building and locked the door, but the monster still came after me! Luckily, a handsome cello-playing man with great hair whisked me up in his arms and—"
Kakashi had had a faraway look in his eye, but abruptly stopped talking when he realized he was getting carried away with himself.
There was an awkward silence.
"You're not on the track team," Sakura said slowly. "In fact, Konoha doesn't even have a track team."
"Really?" Kakashi said absently, a wistful look still in his eye. "Oh well. Wait, where's Naruto?"
"Not here," Sakura muttered.
Kakashi looked put out at not being the latest to arrive. It was then that Naruto decided to show up, crossing the field with what could only be described as...swag.
Sakura's mouth dropped open, and Kakashi almost dropped his beloved book.
"Yo, wassup, man," he greeted Kakashi, swinging one of his hands in a great arc and proceeding to engage in what seemed like a one-sided secret handshake with him. "How you be?"
Kakashi seemed too confused to answer. Naruto wasn't perturbed, moving to Sakura and draping an arm over her shoulders lazily. "How you been, girl?" he asked. "You be lookin' good."
Sakura finally found her voice. "Naruto," she said slowly, "what are you wearing?"
Naruto looked down at himself. His oversized black t-shirt hid his slender, muscular frame, and his oversized jeans were held under his butt with a belt, enough for a good amount of his orange boxers to be visible. He had the biggest chain Sakura had ever seen hanging from his neck, and his blond hair was covered by a sideways baseball cap with a leaf on the front. "Oh, you know, a lil' suh-em for the ladies. You know how I do." He smiled at her, revealing gold, jewel-encrusted teeth.
Sakura recoiled away from him in horror.
It was becoming increasingly clear that he had spent far too much time training with Killer Bee.
Naruto shrugged, removing her from his one-armed hug.
Lee, having finished another lap, trudged by, still covered in academy students.
Naruto brightened. "Lee! 'Sup, homie!"
Lee turned his head. Seeing his friend, he stopped his training. "Hello, Naruto-kun! You look very youthful this morning!"
"Yeah man, fo sho, fo sho. Whatchu doin'?"
Lee smiled. "I'm training! If I can run around Konoha twenty times with all of the genin on me, I won't have to attempt to run to Suna without breathing!"
Naruto made a face. "Muthafucka you crazy! But go on, handle yo shit."
"Okay!" Lee said cheerfully. "I'll see you later, Naruto-kun!"
"Fo sho," Naruto responded, rapping his fist against his chest twice and then flashing Lee and peace sign.
Lee ran off waving, apparently not noticing the changes in his friend.
The rest of Konoha did, though. Almost everyone walking by openly stared at the boy that proclaimed to be the next Hokage, huddling together and whispering.
"So what we doin'?" Naruto asked, turning to face his teammates again.
"Nothing, today," Kakashi sighed, still staring at Naruto. "It's getting dark now, and I have plans. You were late, Naruto."
Sakura's eyebrow twitched dangerously. "You were late too!" she hissed. "And what plans could you possibly have that are more important than a training session that you planned?"
Kakashi shrugged sheepishly. "My stories are waiting for me on my dvr, and I need my beauty rest."
Sakura scoffed at the ridiculous idea of Kakashi watching soap operas.
"Don't fret, Sakura-chan." His eye turned into an upside down "u". "We'll meet here again tomorrow, bright and early. Seven sound good?"
"Sure," Sakura moped, turning on her heel and walking away.
"Undastood, ma brotha," Naruto responded cheerfully. Then, swag turned fully up, he started the slow journey to Ichiraku Ramen.
Kakashi blinked, wondering if it was just a phase Naruto was going through. But he too went on his way, giggling in anticipation. He couldn't wait to find out if Yoriko would finally realize that her boyfriend Shin—who was also secretly her half-brother—was cheating on her with her skank of a friend Yumi.
Hidden behind a tree, Hinata watched. Naruto-kun is acting strangely, she thought to herself. Her pale eyes watched as he shuffled along at a pace half as fast as his normal stride. She listened as the village whispered about him, gave him awkward looks, pointed.
It was the same as when he was growing up.
But Hinata was stronger now. She would not sit idly by a second time as her crush was treated this way! No, she wanted to be by his side, if only to prove to him that he was never truly alone. She would be there for him!
With new resolve burning in her chest, Hinata rushed home.
Kakashi arrived at the training ground the next day at eleven o'clock sharp. He wanted to be sure that there was no way Naruto would be later than him again. He had an image to uphold, you know.
To his dismay, the only one on the field was a pissed off Sakura, practically foaming at the mouth.
He approached her cautiously, simultaneously trying to keep up an air of aloofness. "Good morning, Sakura-chan."
Sakura smiled, but it wasn't a happy one. It was the smile of a girl who was about to trap her prey. And then rip its head from its body and pick her teeth with the bones. "Kakashi-sensei? I thought you said that you wanted to meet at seven."
"Hmm?" he answered, unperturbed. "Well you see, I woke up bright and early this morning to come, but I soon discovered that my right hand had turned into a little green-haired girl! She expressed her undying love for me, and then proceeded to make me breakfast and do my laundry—"
"Save it," Sakura interrupted tiredly, knowing full well that there was nothing wrong with his hand. "Have you seen Naruto?"
Kakashi's mood dropped, remembering that his crazier-than-usual student was not there. He sighed.
As if Sakura had called him, Naruto appeared in a swirl of leaves a few feet away. He was dressed in the same ridiculous outfit as the day before, except today his baseball cap had his signature swirl on it, and his t-shirt was navy blue. Seeing them, he gave a head-nod that seemed to say 'sup, and walked towards them in the same manner as a man who had been shot in the leg. "Waz good?" he greeted.
Sakura snapped. She grabbed him by the arm, ready to smack him a good one.
"HOLD UP!" a voice shouted. "HOLD THE FUCK UP!"
Startled, Sakura turned to see a woman angrily walking towards her. She wore the tightest dress Sakura had ever seen, her voluptuous breasts practically pushed up to her neck, cleavage showing left and right. Her long blue-black hair was in tiny braids, and she wore the biggest hoop earrings Sakura had ever laid her eyes on.
Kakashi raised his forehead protector to free his sharingan, sure that a genjutsu was in play.
She marched towards Sakura, quite at home in the heels she wore. "Bitch, who the hell do you think you is, feelin' on mah man!" Her neck seemed to have a mind of its own, moving her head around in an annoyed fashion, and she pointed a finger in Sakura's face.
Sakura blinked, intimidated. "I'm sorry?"
The girl scoffed. "What, now you caint hear no mo?" Violently, she detached Sakura's hand from Naruto's arm, glaring Sakura down.
At the sight of the pale, pupil-less eyes, Sakura's mouth dropped open. "Hinata!"
Hinata was pissed. She had just spent all last night researching and practicing so she could be like Naruto, and this is what she found? "Aw, HELL NAW!" she yelled, taking her earrings off in lightning speed and forcing them into Kakashi's hand. "HOLD MAH EAR-RINGS, HOLD MAH EAR-RINGS!"
Sakura took a step back as Hinata kicked off her heels, muttering "hell naw" under her breath and looking ready to lunge.
It was then that Naruto decided to intervene. He did so unintentionally, looking Hinata up and down with a loud "mmm-MMM!"
"Day-um, girl you KNOW you be lookin' good!" he exclaimed.
In a half a second flat, Hinata went from beatin' a bitch mode to seductress mode. She planted a hand on her hip and turned towards him, giving him a good look at her cleavage. "Fo real?" she smiled.
Naruto sauntered up to her, slithering his arm around her neck. "If I looked up 'fine as hell' in the dictionary, yo picture would be next to it."
Hinata giggled as one of Naruto's fingers traced her jawline, swatting his hand away playfully. "Baby, you crazy."
And with that, the two walked away, Naruto dragging his foot in a true display of swag, and Hinata swaying her hips with attitude.
Sakura was frozen in place. What the hell was THAT?
Kakashi was visibly disturbed as well, dropping the earrings in the grass and not quite knowing what to do with himself.
"I got up early for this?" Sakura hissed. "I MISSED MY SOAPS FOR THIS? How the hell am I supposed to know whether Yoriko caught Shun and Yumi in bed together or not!"
Kakashi slowly turned to her. After a moment of silence, he spoke. "You know, I have it on my dvr…"
"And I also have a gallon of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream with our names on it."
Sakura looked at him in wonder. "Okay," she said quietly, not believing her ears. "Let me run home and get my—"
"Snuggie?" Kakashi filled in. He looked as surprised as she did. "Zebra or leopard print? I even have tie-dye—"
"Where have you been all my life?" Sakura gasped, taking his hand in hers.
"I was just about to ask you the same thing," Kakashi mused, leading her to his apartment for a wonderful day filled with soaps and Snuggies and ice cream.
Across the field, Lee inhaled a monstrous breath. If he was going to make it to Suna, he was going to need it.
A/N: This is a parody/satire. I don't know why foreigners only see black people one way, but might as well have fun with it. ^_^
If you're wondering where Sasuke/Sai is, I don't know. I just didn't feel like including them.
And for those of y'all who didn't understand why Naruto was always late, it's because he ran on BPT—Black People Time. Word. XD