Looking through the 'Unfinished' section of my fanfiction folders, I've noticed that I have a lot of barely started fics that are doing nothing but collecting dust. A lot of them aren't even past the first chapter, and the chances of them being taken further than they are now are pretty much none, either due to lack of interest or simply because I'm too focused on other things. So I figure, instead of just sending them the way of the Recycle Bin, I'll post some of them up here, let people look over them, and maybe someone out there will find a use for one of them, or at least draw some inspiration to write something of their own. Either way.
So that's what this is: A dumping ground for my fic ideas that I've either given up on or just don't know how to continue. Feel free to give one a nice home, otherwise they'll just end up in a cardboard box by the side of the road on a cold and rainy night, and do you really want something like that on your conscience? Do you? Think of the plot-bunnies, folks, that's all I'm asking.
Here's the first one. I wrote this about two years ago, and it could have ended up a Lemon or just a really ecchi comedy depending on personal preference. It's also intended to take place shortly after the timeskip.
Icha Icha Oiroke
An Ecchi Naruto fic
By Legendary Legacy
Standard Disclaimer: Naruto and all the characters and setting therein belong to Masashi Kishimoto and whomever he's given the rights to.
Enjoy. Or don't. Whichever.
"Ah, Naruto my boy! Come in, come in, have a seat!"
Naruto never really liked it when Jiraiya acted so cheerful and energetic. It usually meant something bad or perverted was going to happen. With an enormous amount of caution, as though he expected the ceiling to come crashing down on him at any moment, he did as he was told, and sat down in one of the two folding chairs in front of the desk which Jiraiya currently sat behind with his feet propped up on top of.
"What's this all about, Ero-Sennin?" he demanded. "You calling me in here without any explanation is really cutting into my time that I could be spending learning new jutsus."
Jiraiya grinned wider as he removed a fresh Kumo cigar from his breast pocket and lit it. "Believe me boy, when I tell you that the news I have for you now is much more important than any stupid jutsu you might be trying to learn."
Naruto hated to admit that his interest was peaked. "What, did you finally find out where Sasuke disappeared to?"
"Akatsuki decided to disband and give up their hunt for bijus?"
"Better than that!"
Naruto thought a little harder before gasping. "They're finally announcing me as the next Hokage!"
"Don't be stupid! And anyway, this news is even better than that."
Ignoring the shot at his dream, Naruto frowned. "Okay, I give up. What could POSSIBLY be greater than all that?"
Taking a deep pull on his cigar, Jiraiya reached into a drawer of his desk and pulled out a large stack of papers, which he then pushed across to the boy. Naruto picked up the top piece and scanned the few lines of text on it, a vein appearing on his right temple as he did so.
"This is it?" he growled. "This is what you pulled me away from my training to show me?"
The Toad-Hermit nodded, oblivious to the fact that Naruto wasn't nearly as thrilled about it as he himself was.
Naruto slammed the slip of paper back onto the rest of the stack. "This is just some movie script for one of your pervy books!"
"Indeed it is," Jiraiya confirmed as he pulled out another piece of paper. "The sequel to the box-office smash 'Icha Icha: The Movie'. Just look at these numbers for the original, Naruto." He held the paper up for Naruto to see, though by the confused look on his face, Jiraiya decided to elaborate personally. "One of the highest grossing movies in the last five years, boy! Sold out theaters from Suna all the way to Kiri and everywhere in between! Critically acclaimed by even the harshest of Iwa critics!"
By this point, Jiraiya had worked himself up to the point where he was standing on top of his desk and yelling at the top of his lungs. "The world loves my work, don't you see? They demanded a continuation! Fan mail on top of fan mail! Threatening letters telling me in great detail exactly what they would do to me if I didn't comply! Dozens of silky female undergarments sent for me to autograph! THE FOOLISH DARLINGS! THEY DON'T EVEN REALIZE THAT THEY'LL NEVER SEE THOSE PANTIES EVER AGAIN!"
Jiraiya blinked in confusion, taking note of his current position. He casually cleared his throat and fell back into his chair. "Do you see what I'm trying to tell you, brat?"
"Honestly? No. I mean sure, you're happy about making another movie or whatever, good for you. But what does this have to do with dragging me away from my training to tell me about it?"
Jiraiya took a final puff of his cigar before snuffing it out and stood up, turning his gaze to the window behind him. "Well let me get straight to the heart of the matter, Naruto. The set, the crew and the cast are all scheduled to arrive in Tanzuki Gai in five days, and we intend to start filming immediately when they do. Unfortunately, I received a letter from two of my three star actors this morning that due to an unfortunate incident involving a terrible outbreak of Pigmy Pox; they wouldn't be able to be here for the filming. As you can imagine, this puts me in quite a bind. With all the money that's already been put into this and the fact that we've already set a deadline to meet, we simply can't afford to hold off on filming until they recover."
He turned back to Naruto, who had a strange feeling that the old man was trying his damnedest to be dramatic. "This is where you come in, boy."
Naruto raised an eyebrow at his teacher. "What? Are you saying you want me to be in your movie?"
"You've gotta be kidding me! I'm not an actor! Couldn't you just find some other actors to take their place?"
"Ah, but therein lies the real problem, you see," he explained as he returned to his seat, resting his elbows on the desk. "As it turns out, the two actors that got sick are the famous Rukozashi twins, Tsubasa and Tsubame of Kusagakure. Brilliant actors, the both of them, and if I even had just one of them here I could probably get away with having that one fill both roles with how similar they look. But as it is now that too is impossible, and there just isn't another set of twin actors who could possibly fill this part. …Well, there is one set from Kiri, but the brother sort of wants me dead for allegedly doing inappropriate things to the sister. Soooo…my only real hope now…is you, boy."
If Naruto had been confused before, he was downright baffled now. "I don't get it, Ero-sennin. I see how you could want me to take the guy twin's place, but then who exactly are you expecting to play my female twin? The only girl I know who could possibly pass herself off as my twin might be Ino, or maybe Temari, and even then-"
The large grin that was slowly growing even larger on the old man's face stopped him from finishing his point.
"…" The grin was going to split his face if it got any wider.
"…" Naruto's eyes suddenly widened in horror. "OH HELL NO!"
"Now before you say no-"
"Too late! Already said it," Naruto shouted as he got up to leave.
"Would you just hear me out for a minute?" Jiraiya pleaded, moving quickly to head the boy off.
"What's to hear? You want me to pretend to be a girl in one of your perverted stories! What makes you think I would be willing to go through with that? Hell, even if you only wanted me to play a guy in it I'd probably still say no!"
Jiraiya draped an arm around Naruto's shoulders, calmly leading him back into the room. "Boy, you just don't see the big picture here. With your combination of Kage Bunshin and that ingenious Oiroke no Jutsu, you could effectively fill both roles at the same time, saving me a whole lot of hassle. And just think," he added, sweeping his hand in a wide arch in front of them. "Hundreds of thousands of people are going to be watching this movie. With you filling up two leading roles, just imagine how famous you'll become."
Jiraiya mentally grinned in triumph. If the thought of being loved and acknowledged by people all over the world didn't get him, he didn't know what would.
"Why would I wanna be famous for being in one of your porno flicks, Ero-sennin? I wanna be known as a great Hokage, not as the second biggest pervert to ever come out of Konoha."
Jiraiya shook his head, letting out a tired sigh. "One of these days brat, preferably within the next five, you're going to have to actually sit down and read one of my 'porno' books. I think you would be pleasantly surprised." He went silent for a moment, contemplating his next move. "You do realize that you'll be getting paid a hefty sum for this, right?"
"No amount could justify doing what you're asking."
Stubborn brat. "What if I offered to teach you the secret behind the Yondaime's infamous Hiraishin no Jutsu?"
Naruto paused for a second; clearly this was the most tempting offer so far. But still… "Ero-sennin, if you mastered the ability to Henge into a woman like I can, would you be willing to have sex as one?"
Jiraiya opened his mouth. Naruto held a hand up.
"You know what, forget I asked that. I really don't wanna hear it. The point is: that's just a certain level of creepiness that I'm not willing to go through."
Jiraiya held back a groan. Only one trump card left to play. "So there's nothing I can do to make you reconsider?"
"Even though I took all those years of my own time and effort out of the goodness of my heart to help train you?"
Naruto held his tongue on the overall effectiveness of most of that training. "Can't do it. Sorry."
Jiraiya hung his head and collapsed back into his seat. "Well, I guess that's that, then. Nothing we can do about it." He buried his face in his hands. "Oh, how am I going to break the news to poor Yukie-chan?"
"What about me?"
Hearing the vaguely familiar voice behind him, Naruto turned around and immediately found himself caught in a tight embrace.
"It's good to see you again, Naruto-kun."
"Ah, Yukie-hime," Jiraiya greeted pleasantly. "Perfect timing, as usual."
Naruto finally pulled away from the embrace, getting a good look at the familiar newcomer. "Yukie-hime? What are you doing here?"
The princess of the former Land of Snow gave the boy one more once-over before grinning. "I'm here to pick up the final draft of my script."
Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "Script? You mean…you're-?"
"Of course. I was the star of the first Icha Icha movie, remember? And Jiraiya-sama liked my work so much he wanted me in the sequel as well. But what are you doing here?"
"Uh…" To be perfectly honest, Naruto had forgotten all about his last farewell with the princess, specifically the part where she informed him that she would be taking part in the Icha Icha movie. There was a good chance that he had suppressed the memory on purpose in order to keep the image of his favorite actress from being tainted by the smut of his sensei. Poor girl, he had thought at the time, how on earth had Ero-sennin managed to con her into doing it?
Yukie's eyes lit up. "Oh, are you going to be my new co-star? Jiraiya-sama told me he had the perfect person in mind, but I never imagined he'd mean you!" She pulled Naruto in closer, allowing her to lower her voice to a sultry whisper. "Won't this be fun? Just think of all the 'scenes' we'll get to do together."
Naruto thought about it. Then he thought about it some more. And just as his fantasies began to get the better of him, Jiraiya decided it was time to pounce.
"Unfortunately Yukie-hime, Naruto has already made it perfectly clear that he wants nothing to do with this movie, and no amount of pleading, bribing or threatening is going to change his mind. And, with so little time between now and the day we're scheduled to start, it looks like we'll have to cancel the film."
"Oh on!" Yukie cried, looking positively devastated.
Jiraiya nodded. "It's sad, I know. It's a shame that Naruto can't be more cooperative. Looks like you made the trip all the way out here for nothing, Princess."
Yukie bowed her head. "I see." A stray tear appeared in her eye as she turned away from the two men. "I guess I just didn't realize how strongly Naruto would object to doing something like this with me."
Naruto felt like crying himself; that just wasn't fair. Saying no to Jiraiya was one thing, but trying to say it to a pretty, crying girl like Yukie was another matter all together.
He still couldn't do it though. No way in hell could he put himself through playing any part in Ero-Sennin's pervy movies, especially when he wanted him to do it as a girl! Who knew what sort of sick, despicable acts the old pervert might try to make him do?
He glanced over at Yukie, who was sniffling softly as she walked to the door. He then shot a death-glare at Jiraiya before bowing his own head.
Damn your blackheart, Ero-sennin.
"Wait," he said, barely above a whisper.
"I knew you'd see the light, boy!" Jiraiya crowed triumphantly.
"Oh, that's wonderful, Naruto-kun!" Yukie added, pulling him into another embrace.
"Hold on, don't get the wrong idea!" Naruto demanded as he wiggled his way out of the princess's grip. "I'm not agreeing to anything yet. I mean, I'm not gonna just jump head-first into something like this. I at least want to know what I'm getting into first."
Jiraiya immediately shoved another copy of the script into Naruto's hands. "Take it. Learn it. Love it. And for the love of God, don't let anyone else see it. Nobody except for the people directly involved in the filming even knows that the movie's being made yet. We're keeping it under wraps until the time comes." That, and also if Tsunade or any of the brat's teammates found out about Naruto being involved before it was too late to stop it he'd be up Shit Creek without a boat.
The old man smirked as Naruto stared at the script like it were a poisonous snake. "Go on home and read through it and meet me back here with your decision tomorrow morning. And you damn well better read the whole thing; no stopping the moment you come to the first steamy scene, got it?"
"Yeah, yeah," Naruto muttered, already starting to regret this.
Yukie placed a supportive hand on his shoulder. "Thank you, Naruto-kun. You won't regret doing this if you say yes." Naruto stiffened as he felt her other hand graze his behind. The princess leaned in to whisper in his ear. "I'll personally see to it." She smiled at the choked gulp that was his response.
As Naruto was leaving, Jiraiya called out to him. "And by the way: if you happen to think about it, ask some of those cute girls you hang around with to come along. We may need extras for the orgy scene."
To his credit, Naruto managed to look completely dignified as he walked directly into the wall. He then disappeared from view at a much faster pace.
"You added an orgy scene?" Yukie questioned, flipping through the pages of her script.
Jiraiya laughed. "Nah, but sometimes you just feel like screwing with the boy."
"I know what you mean."
Jiraiya's perverted senses swore that they heard an innuendo there, but he brushed it aside, mainly because he could pull an innuendo out of just about anything. "You really are the best actor I've ever seen, Yukie-hime. I can't believe how easily you got the brat to change his mind like that."
"Who was acting?" Yukie asked casually, tucking the papers into her robe. She gave Jiraiya an innocent smile as she exited the room. "See you tomorrow, Jiraiya-sama."
The sennin's eyebrow rose, wondering if he were missing something to this situation.
Ah, but that didn't matter now, just so long as Naruto didn't disappoint him by refusing to play the parts.
He smirked, kicking his feet back and lighting up a new cigar. Of course, it wasn't entirely necessary to have Naruto fill both roles. With make-up or proper use of henge, just about anyone could have probably done it, but that wasn't the point. From the moment Naruto had first shown him that Oiroke no Jutsu, Jiraiya had known with no uncertainty that he would have to find a use for it besides tricking perverts. And what better use to make of it than in movies, making him a hell of a lot of money in the process?
And, if Naruto was willing to play ball, he might just end up with more than he thought in the end, as well. There was no way that he'd refuse.
And that's all I've got for this one. The basic premise was Jiraiya tricking/convincing Naruto to play a part in his upcoming movie sequel alongside Princess Yukie (or Koyukie, I forget the proper spelling), and getting him to do it as his Oiroke self. I didn't have a real idea for a movie plot, and was only going to focus mostly on Yukie helping to 'prepare' Naruto for his upcoming roles (and by 'prepare', I of course mean giving him acting tips. Obviously.) The hijinks of filming the movie would have been glossed over, but not a whole lot of detail devoted to it.
And the real fun was to come on the films opening night, where people from all over, including Naruto's friends and acquaintances (Rookie 11, senseis, Tsunade, etc.) as well as other closet enthusiasts for the movie (Akatsuki members, Kabuto, other Kages, etc.) would be in attendence to see Naruto's moviestar debut. Of course, none of them were AWARE that Naruto was going to be in it before then, so...
But hey, that's only what I had planned. If you like the idea and feel like running with it, feel free to go as crazy as you want.
Next bit'll be up shortly.