Hey guys~ I'm having a brain fart with all this crap I gotta do~ so this is like a pause on the story and I wrote a little side one to qualm some stuff. This time for my other fans who like blonde hair I gave him that ^3^ SO BE HAPPY! I was in a depressing mood and wanted something depressing/happy/whatever. I tried my best~ so don't hate me! No flames please!

Little Notey: Kay, well I know re-reading it that a balloon would not crush someone against rocks, but it's my fix, so LOVE IT!

Disclaimer: Duh, I don't own it.

Double D wanted to be hurt.

Double D wanted the pain that he so truly deserved. The pain that he eluded, the pain he was afraid of.

Every day was a repeat of the same nightmare; going to school and looking at all those people. And every day he had to face Sarah. Her eyes would meet with his with hostility-which had always been there seeming more present.

Guilt was eating him from the very inside out. Double D had become a poor, pale being who rarely spoke. He maintained his grades and such, but his mouth rarely opened.

The nightmare began a couple of weeks ago.

Double D had been in on the usual scam. They were riding on a boat down the river with a bunch of kids. Double D doubted that this would work—and later he realized he was right.

Why had he not stopped Eddy? Why had he not stopped Ed? How could he let them continue?

It was another day at school where he avoided every single person he saw. He saw Kevin, Jimmy, Jonny and Nazz. Sarah wasn't around yet, but surely he would find those eyes burning into the back of his head.

They had been surprisingly successful thus far, the boat not crashing and the kids actually looking like they were having a good time. Double D was manning the control as Ed leisurely pedaled the huge tire they had again used as a boat. Jimmy and Sarah were huddled by one edge, laughing and taunting Ed as he pedaled. Double D found it all so relaxing and his heart settled for what would be the last time.

He turned to the front and gave a gentle push to steer against the current, trying not to be swept in. There were large rocks on the edges which could probably pop their balloon easily. Just as he was turning, Eddy bumped into him harshly, laughing as he jostled Double D and made the boat careen. Screams followed as they headed right for a bunch of huge, pointed rocks.

Double D panicked and yelled for Ed to paddle the other way, the boy lumbering to the other side as he tried to-

But alas, the current was too strong and they made their way there, Double D hovering over Ed. Something jarred the boat and it rocked, sending Double D right over.

Water was the first thing Double D tasted as he flailed, not used to swimming—or anything active—at all. He cried out and grasped at something hard, feeling the end of Ed's shoe. Hope seized him and he grabbed it for his life, calling out his name.


He went under, water swirling into his vision. His throat tightened and he held his breath, trying not to let any more water rush in. But, unfortunately, the urge to cough out what had already come in was too great.

Double D came up luckily, sputtering water. He heard voices muffled by the water. Keeping his grip on the flailing shoe, he felt a strong arm grip his body, pulling him up.

"It's ok Double D! I'll save you!" Ed fearlessly cried with a grin, the rocks looming right on them.

Yes, right then, there, he had thought everything would be fine. Ed was so confident, so invincible. He had rescued him, and he had thought everything would be fine. Stupid.

Double D's bum touched the end of one and he jerked forward, crying out, "Good Lord!" He didn't want to be squished! Without another thought he climbed over Ed's body at a feverish pace, trying to escape the crushing feeling.

He could have helped Ed. He could have grabbed his hand as soon as the scream echoed into his mind. He heard Ed screaming as the rocks crushed his legs, but he was frozen in place.

With a sickening slowness the world seemed to come to a halt…

With great force Double D pushed the memory away, not wanting to relive the next few hours.

It had been torture: ambulances and screaming. Sarah trying to claw at Double D, blaming him for letting Ed get hurt. He remembered that night well, and it was only weeks ago.

Today marked the third week and good news had come in. The students buzzed about Ed waking up, the doctors testing if his legs would be alright.

Yes—Ed's legs were crushed between the rocks. The boat had been lodged into them and Ed got stuck and the current only pushed him in further. And it was Double D's fault. All the adults said it would be alright, but what did they know?

Classes went by like a blur. Nothing really entered the boy's mind. Before he had been more like a zombie; trying not to think of anything, but now that Ed was somewhat alright the memories came rushing back. He tried to push them away, but no matter what he did they hovered against the edges of his mind. One thing was clear though: he had to see Ed, if only to apologize.

After school and Double D was headed to the local hospital, legs shaking terribly as he tried to maintain a grip on his sanity. If only he could disappear, right now. Thoughts of suicide had crossed his mind, but that was simply the guilt. He wasn't stupid. With a heavy heart he went up to Ed's room, easily passing the nurses and counter people—it was like he was invisible.

Making his way to Ed's room he knocked on the door lightly, looking down in apprehension. The black tip of his hat flopped in front of his vision and he jerked up when a kind looking nurse opened the door. Her mouth formed words, but none of it came out. He only saw with wide eyes Ed, sitting in a wheelchair, staring out at the scenery. He looked happy as always, but his expression had exhaustion to it. Double D's throat closed up.

"E-Ed," he whispered, walking in slowly.

Ed turned himself around with some difficulty, smiling brightly at Double D.

"Hiya Double D! The doctors told me I'd be getting my legs back real soon! Look at this chair! It's like a galactasauras machine with which I can travel through space!" He seemed so excited and full of purity that Double D felt himself tearing up.

"Ed…you're not mad at me? I mean, this is certainly my fault being that I didn't help you…" Just admitting that was hard enough. Ed gave him an odd look and then lowered his head to look at his legs, not looking back up as he spoke.

"Double D, it wasn't your fault. I should have worked harder." His tone had taken on an actually serious note, jarring Double D heavily. He sounded…different. It was unlike the carefree tone he usually had. Sure, he still sounded flippant and funny, but not as if Ed was speaking.

Double D couldn't stand the guilt eating at him as he stared at those legs, the limp pieces of flesh and bone hanging off of him. It would be Double D's fault if he never walked again.

A strangled cry left his throat as he hurried out of the room, practically barreling past a sick-with-worry looking Sarah. When she saw him a glare of pure hatred fell upon her face, marring her pretty features. He squeaked and ran by her, barreling into a firm, strong chest. He looked up with wide doe-eyes to see Kevin looking down at him, looking none too happy to see the boy so close.

Double D gulped and was about to move away in case Kevin wanted to give him a beating.

Why not? Why shouldn't Kevin give him a beating? That would make him feel less guilty, right? Maybe if he got hurt enough, the pain would make him feel better…

As idiotic as this sounded, he couldn't help it when he wrapped his arms around Kevin's stomach, refusing to let go.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Kevin yelled, using his hands to try and pry Double D off.

Double D shook his head wildly, clenching his eyes shut as awaited the fist of fury. Kevin looked at his expression of fear—and relief surprisingly—and let his raised fist fall. The hands that clutched at him were shaking badly and he looked for the first time like a real sorry kid.

"What the hell Double D? What's wrong with you?" he asked, his hands resting on the other's shoulders. Double D was honestly surprised. He thought that Kevin would have immediately punched him or kicked him, but he merely sounded irritated and embarrassed. He looked at his face with surprise, eyes shining with unshed tears.

"K-K-Kevin, just punch me," he said, digging his face into that strong chest.

Kevin was honestly surprised he would say something like that. "Look Double D, why do you want to be hurt?" he asked, his tone aggravated from the brief moment of silence. He had been leading Sarah to Ed, but now…

"Kevin, please!" he cried, not sure he could deal with this guilt any longer.

Kevin refused to budge, his eyes locking coldly down on Double D's. With a shocking realization he had a way to get Kevin to punch the daylight's out of him. It was horrifying—and yet exhilarating. Double D knew though that he had to do it and nothing else would work. He leaned up and with shaking hands took hold of Kevin's face, kissing him right on the mouth.

It sent a surprising shock through both of their bodies, heat colliding as Double D sealed the space closed. A shiver passed through him and he held his lips there against Kevin's still, soft ones for a moment too long. Kevin ripped himself away and looked around with a fiery red face for an empty room. He saw one with no name plate and ran over, pushing Double D in as he locked the door, all in one motion.

Here it comes. Now that I've kissed him—God knows why—he'll pummel me. Double D closed his eyes, hearing heavy footsteps coming towards him. He felt his chin jerked up and opened his eyes to face the blazing ones of Kevin. Not to mention it was semi-dark in this room with the blinds closed.

"What…was that?" Kevin demanded, his voice bringing a shiver onto Double D's frail body. Oh great. He was going to get in—his thoughts were interrupted as a pair of lips has suddenly claimed his own fiercely. Double D was so shocked he stood there, blinking for a couple of moments. When Kevin wrapped his arms around Double D was when the hat clad boy began to panic. Wait, what was he doing…?

He wrought to get himself free, wrenching his body back but to no avail. Kevin tilted his head back, one hand holding onto the back of it as he did so. For a while longer Double D struggled, but he couldn't keep it up and soon gave in. His body rested against Kevin's as he brought him even closer, his tongue slithering into Double D's mouth.

He momentarily froze with this new feeling making goose bumps rise. His mouth opened not of his own will, but his body was responding. His fingers curled around Kevin's shirt and he hesitantly went into the kiss, his mind going completely blank. Soon after that Kevin pressed Double D up against the nearest wall and his hands began to roam the boy's body; one running up his shirt to run across pale, soft skin, the other dipping into the curve of his back.

A shudder ran through Double D and he gasped in surprise with a new feeling accompanying this sensation. His lower regions were…uncomfortable. He squirmed under Kevin's touch and when his fingers brushed the boy's nipples they were jerked. A fiery blush spread across his face. He backed away—coincidentally towards the hospital bed—shivering.

"W-what are you doing?" he inquired, these feelings unfamiliar and…intimidating.

Kevin walked closer, a predatory glint in his eyes. "Double D, you brought this upon yourself." A smirk made its way to Kevin's face and Double D backed up against the bed, shaking.

What was going on? At first it was a kiss…and now what? Would they actually do something even more embarrassing? His eyes landed on the bed and his breath caught, eyes widening. No. Way. Kevin pounced on him, knocking Double D onto the bed.

Double D squirmed and tried to escape, bucking his hips and wriggling his body. It only increased the pressure that was on his lower abdomen. He wouldn't admit it, but Double D liked every second of this. Kevin—with a low purr—ripped off his shirt and pressed a hand down on Double D's bare chest, watching it rise and fall with a ragged breath. He noticed the boy was no longer struggling.

In fact, Double D had stropped struggling as soon as an idea popped into his head.

Maybe…maybe Kevin could hurt him! Maybe if Kevin had his way with him harshly, then it would be the same thing as a punch to the face. He began to shake with anticipation. Yes, this way he would be forgiven. If he was hurt in the worst way possible—surely then...

He let his body go limp under his touch, closing his eyes.

Kevin was astounded by the sudden relaxed state and took his time, running his hands down Double D's pale stomach, edging their way slowly to the rising bulge in his pants. Double D shivered when he touched the edge, wishing him to hurry up with this punishment! He sat up and wrapped his arms around Kevin's neck, breath ghosting his ear.

"I want you fuck me hard." Yes, this was terribly hard for Double D to say, but he was surprised how easily it went. It came out smooth and seductive, a low moan/growl coming from the man above him. Surely now…He felt Kevin undo the bottoms of his jeans, smiling to himself triumphantly.

Perfect. Everything was going perfect.

A hand slid down between his underwear and bare skin, fingers curling around his half-hard member. "Ah!" Double D cried in more surprise than anything. "Wai-wai-wait!" He curled up slightly, fingers gripping Kevin's shirt harder as he lightly stroked him to a rigid state, the other throwing his head back. That was most certainly new! His body was on fire and he was tingling all over. Every bone in his body shuddered with his nerves.

"K-Kevi-nn! S-stop," he managed to say, gripping the other male's shoulder. Kevin merely gave a smirk and brought Double D's chin up for a kiss, increasing his speed to which he stroked Double D. But that was not all to come, and Double D knew it. He could feel every touch, every sensation his fingers left. They roamed around his most private area, spreading across the whole member, stroking the top, curving deliciously around his skin—it was all too much! Something warm was pooling at his stomach, the heat feeling like it might explode out of him.

With a high moan Double D came, his body arching against Kevin. That was new too! He'd never done something like this in his life, though he knew about it. He leaned against Kevin who removed his hand, chuckling darkly. Double D could feel him against his sensitive body and shuddered when his hand came around to his backside now, the boy tensing.

"Relax," Kevin murmured almost kindly Double D might have thought another time. But no—Double D did not want to relax. He wanted to feel the hurt that Ed must have felt. He let a single finger crawl inside him and he felt a jab of pain already, biting his lip. He wouldn't let out a noise, though Kevin could tell he was in pain by his tense body. He stroked his flaccid member slowly, fingers dancing across the skin as he kissed him, trying to get the boy relaxed.

Soon he added a second finger, and even a third. Double D said not a word, moaning softly sometimes. He was fully erect again, surprised at himself. Those fingers inside him brought little stabs of pain, ones Double D reveled in. He laid himself on the bed and lowered his body down further, trying to fit the digits inside to bring more of that stinging sensation he so desired.

"Kevin, harder!" he panted, face flushed. His hat had fallen off and his bleach blonde hair rested just above his forehead, swung to the side in the style of hat-hair. Kevin refused this request and kept at a leisurely pace, his fingers dancing inside of Double D. He moaned and was given a harsh shove downwards, then rewarded with a stab of pain.

Kevin gave a huff and glared at Double D, stopping his motions entirely. "Do you want to be in pain Double D?"

Double D gave him a very serious look, an odd light in his eyes. "Yes." Kevin was honestly shocked for what seemed to be the umpteenth time that day, his eyes blinking slowly.

What was that? He wanted pain? Was he an idiot? Someone like Double D rarely associated the word pain or inflicting of wounds in his vocabulary! As Kevin stared at those flickering, emotional eyes it seemed to click. The heartache and guilt in those eyes told him a story and without realizing it, everything made sense.

It had to do with the reason why Double D came to the hospital, why he had looked so very out of it, and why he had clung to Kevin without a care that he might hit him. He realized it was what he wanted. With a new vengeance he began to stretch Double D even more softly, his fingers curling inside him to bring him more pleasure than pain. Double D moaned unwillingly, screwing his eyes shut.


He wanted Kevin to hurry and make it hurt! He wanted to feel what Ed felt so this gnawing, gut wrenching guilt would go away. He felt tears of frustration rise and his throat tighten as he held them back. Even Kevin wouldn't do what he wanted most! His fingers practically caressed his inside as he carefully moved closer, one hand stroking Double D's cheek as he positioned himself.

"This may hurt a bit." He slowly pushed himself in, the tip getting in before Double D tensed up. He didn't say a word though, fingers latching onto Kevin's shoulders. Tears rose in his eyes—grateful ones—as he could only imagine what Ed felt. He pushed himself down harder and the stabbing sensation increased. He let out a small whimper and Kevin's eye twitched in irritation.

He was not going to let Double D do this to himself! Why did he feel guilty for something that wasn't even his fault? He lightly stroked Double D and pushed himself in all the way, grunting at the wondrously tight feeling that massaged his erection. He watched Double D's face pinch in pain, looking relieved in a way. He smirked, knowing it wouldn't last long. He would make Double D feel everything without pain from this point on.

Kevin waited as Double D adjusted, sitting there for what felt like hours. He gave a tentative jerk to his hips and Double D yelped/moaned, shuddering. Ah, so he must be a bit more alright. He pulled out and then thrust back in, earning a moan from Double D who took hold of Kevin's shoulders and pushed himself down, making it go faster.

"Faster!" he called. With a winner's smirk Kevin held Double D's arms and held them above his head, pulling them far enough back as he gripped his wrists together. He thrust sharply into Double D and got a joyous cry. The braniac arched his back, unintentionally giving him more access.

This was not what Double D wanted! This heat, this pulsing pleasure that ran through him was not what he wanted. He certainly liked it—he wouldn't deny that—but pleasure was not intentional in the least bit. His frustration at the usually brutal Kevin rose as he gently kissed his skin all over, free hand running up and down his skin. He was thrusting in slowly, gently, treating him like glass. His moans were deep and satisfying as the boy above arched and curled into every thrust.

"Please Kevin!" he cried out, shaking. "Hurt me!"

Kevin treated him like a precious gem, kissing him and sucking on the delicate skin of his neck. The moans that bubbled out of Double D were certainly not his own, tears beginning to fill his eyes. "Please…please Kevin, hurt me! Inflict the pain I deserve! Why are you being so wonderful? You should hate me!" His voice cracked and he shuddered, rocking against Kevin's gentle, loving movements. Their hips met with a smack and he wished desperately it hurt.

"I'm not hurting you." His voice was full of resolve and with a gut-wrenching sob tears began to streak down Double D's face.

"Why? You always want to beat up the three of us—if I can put it eloquently—so why should you now start caring?" Tears rolled down his cheeks as Kevin pressed against him. The boy's hands were freed so he could cling to him. He sobbed into Kevin's chest, shuddering along with his movements.

"It's my fault! It's all my fault that Ed got hurt! I should have helped him, I should have moved instead of being frozen in place!" He let out all he had been feeling the last couple of weeks, tears running down Kevin's chest even. The red head lowered his eyes and dug his fingers into Double D's soft golden hair, massaging his scalp. He leaned Double D back and gave him a quick, hard thrust, getting a wobbly moan from the boy.

"I'll tell you a secret Double D," he panted, his other hand cupping Double D's cheek. He leaned down until their faces were level, his lips moving to brush the edge of his earlobe. He breathed softly into his ear, words forming.

"It's not your fault."

Double D's eyes widened as if this possibility had not been thinkable, his eyes filling with tears once again. At that moment Kevin pushed powerfully into him, his body melding into Double D's. With a harsh half-sob, half-moan he arched his back, coming onto Kevin's stomach. He let out more and more crystalline droplets that ran down his face as he cried. Kevin wrapped his arms around Double D and held him tight, his own seed having been injected into the sobbing boy.

He was a mess now. Double D couldn't seem to stop the tears. The frustrations and guilt poured out of him as soon as he said those words.

"It's not your fault."

No one had said that to Double D. They all told him Ed would be alright and he shouldn't worry, but not once had anyone stated simply it wasn't his fault. Finally, finally someone told him that it wasn't his fault.

While clinging to Kevin, he realized the whole time all he wanted was someone who didn't blame him and was willing to embrace him without letting go. With a new surge of emotion he crashed Kevin's lips against his own, tears brushing the other's dry cheeks.

Suddenly it was like his body gave way. The tension seized to exist in him as he fell against the hospital bed. His eyes closed as he fell into a deep, seemingly endless sleep.

Finally…he was free.