author's note:

Hey guys!

I love you guys sooo muuchhh right now! The reviews were incredible!

Well, I'm feeling quite depressed right at this moment. My split and spiral and arabesque and whatever suck.

Cause I am as flexible as a stick.

No, not a bendy stick either.

I'd appreciate if any of you guys that can do any of the above (splits, spirals, arabesques, blahblahblah) could tell me some stretches or give me helpful links or videos in a review or message. I'd love you half to death. If, of course, I don't already(:

This chapter is for SoSlytherin111910 for she is an amazing writer and awesome reviewer, and cause Slytherins are supermegafoxyawesomehot :D

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except for a chocolate frog, which I is slowly nomnomnoming on.


Malfoylicious -

Having Malfoy like qualities in looks and/or demeanor.

"Heyyy, that guy with the long bleach blonde hair is SOO malfoylicious."

"Dude, did you see that guy? He's soo malfoylicious."

The Urban Dictionary


Chapter Two: Personality

Speech, Thoughts, Actions

i. Speech

This, my Malfoy's, is the first step of one of the vital keys to being a true Malfoy. Speech.

Speech is one of the reasons it's so amazing to be a Malfoy, other than the fact that by being a Malfoy you are both devilishlyand stunningly handsome, along with being filthy rich, better than everyone else in the entire universe and oh-so intelligent.

To have perfect, Malfoy-esque speech, you must, must, speak as if you are a Malfoy. Because, well, you are.

Now, speaking like a Malfoy is not easily taught or learned. You are simply born speaking Malfoy-esque….. or you aren't, and unless you, my son, are a Malfoy, you cannot, and I repeat cannot speak in the ways of the Malfoys.

Examples of Malfoy Speech:

Example One-

The Malfoy Admirer to her friends: Oh my gosh, have you seen how sexy and absolutely amazing Malfoy became?

The friend: You idiot! How dare you say that? He's always been this sexy and absolutely ama—

The Malfoy (walking up to the Malfoy Admirer Group): Talking about me behind my back is rude, ladies. How about a little meeting at midnight today in the Astronomy Tower to make up for it?

*insert giggles and frantic nodding here, all while attempting to look flirtatious (note the word "attempting")*

Example Two-

The Professor: Malfoy, how do you manage getting the highest marks in every single class, be Head Boy, best Quidditch Seeker and Captain we've ever been privileged enough to have in Hogwarts, and be able to look so utterly dashing each and every day?

The Malfoy: I'm offended, Professor. I'm a Malfoy.

Example Three-

The Jealous Girl: You're disgusting and like, so ugly. I have no idea why the amazing Malfoy likes you. I mean, I'm clearly the better choice, you revolting slut.

The Girl: Excuse me? Well, he chose me over you, so I wouldn't be talking, you… you wh—

The Malfoy: Ladies, ladies. No fighting- we've got enough Malfoy for everybody. *insert famous, drool-worthy smirk here*

Example Four-

The Jealous Boy: YOU BLOODY IDIOT. You filthy piece of scum.

The Malfoy: Having fun talking to yourself?

The Jealous Boy: I was talking to you.

The Malfoy: Talking to a mirror now?

As you can see in all four examples, the Malfoy is always ready for any situation, calm and coolly collected throughout all of them. There are no times when a Malfoy is not prepared with a clever retort, a seductive response, or a statement laced with beautifully malicious thoughts and the consistent reminder that Malfoys are superior and better than each and every person in the world. Milky Way Galaxy. Universe.

If you ever find that you are unprepared and have no clever retorts, seductive responses, or malicious statements ready for use, you will need to travel back to the Malfoy Manor immediately. When you arrive at the Malfoy Manor, go straight toward the library on the second floor. Once you are in the library, take an immediate left so that you are facing the large glass doors. Enter the room behind the glass doors and you will find yourself in a small room filled with faded books. These books are extremely old and each and every one of them was written by a Malfoy. The books are one of a kind and cannot be found or bought anywhere because once they leave the safety of the enchanted glass doors, they will disintegrate. However, the only people who can enter the glass doors must have the surname "Malfoy," so you can be rest assured that the books are completely safe and you will not need to hire a pack of trolls to guard the room.

Go to the back of the room, and you will find an extremely large book entitled, "The Malfoy Handbook on Comebacks, Statements, and More." Read through it exactly 87 times, and once you are finished, a letter will appear in the back of the book. The letter will provide further instructions.

~-M-~-M-~

ii. Thoughts

As you are a Malfoy, we will not dwell on this section of the second chapter in the Handbook, as the thoughts of Malfoys are already engraved into your brains from the Malfoys that have come before you.

A few things to remember, however, are:

- You are a Malfoy. Malfoys are better than everybody.

- Never think before you speak. You are a Malfoy. What you say is always correct.

- People other than Malfoys are below you, therefore, thoughts should not be wasted on them.

- Your thoughts can be heard by others. Think as you would speak, hence you speak as you think.

- You have no weak spots. Everything about you is better than everyone else.

~-M-~-M-~

iii. Actions

Correct actions as a Malfoy are an extremely significant part of the Malfoy personality. I, the Ultimate Malfoy, have taken the time to write a list of the actions that are appropriate of a Malfoy.

The List of Actions that Malfoys Must Do

1.) Smirk constantly

The Malfoy Smirk must be present on your Malfoy face every second you are alive. If you, however, choose not to smirk, it will because you are:

a. Kissing your newest admirer or

b. Laughing at the poor deluded fool you have just beaten and utterly crushed with the Malfoy amazingness.

2.) No pouting, slouching, sulking, or anything along those lines

3.) Always look calm and collected

Panic and fear are not tolerable on the face of a Malfoy.

4.) No nail biting/chewing

This digusting non-Malfoy habit is exactly that. A non-Malfoy habit.

5.) Look, feel, act, be arrogant

Again, you are a Malfoy. You are better than everyone.

6.) Intimidate all others

Non-Malfoys are, once again, below you. One glance at a non-Malfoy from a Malfoy should be enough to make them run to their little mummies and hide under their pink fluffy blankets, hugging their pink fluffy unicorns.

7.) No drooling

8.) Confidence must be shown through your every action

Because you are a Malfoy and Malfoys do not make mistakes.

If you find yourself doing any of these things, obliviate whoever is in a one mile radius from you. Remove all evidence of you doing any of these non-Malfoy traits.

If you bit your nails; report immediately to Malfoy Nails in Sydney, Australia. Inform them of the situation and they will provide further details, after years of working with Malfoys.

If you failed to smirk, look/feel/act/be arrogant, intimidate, or be confident; follow the "obliviation" route.

If you pouted, slouched, or sulked; instantly become calm and collected and state clearly that you did not pout, slouch, or sulk.

If you've failed to be calm and collected; follow the "oblivation" route and become so immediately.

author's note:

And there it is! The second chapter!

Yes, I realize that it was horrible.

OH WELL.

Review make moi happy :D