Author's Note: I'm taking a break from my favourite couple, Ron and Hermione, to write about my other favourite couple; Sid and Cassie. If you've seen Skins, then this would have taken place in between Michelle's episode in series one and the finale of season one. If you haven't seen Skins, I tried to include some back-story to avoid confusion. Basically...
Cassie (my favourite character) attempts to commit suicide when Sid (my other favourite character) ditches her and instead tries to get with Michelle, his best friend's (Tony) girlfriend. They were taking a break. Cassie is kind of crazy; she has anorexia and she's been in clinics before this happened, it was (I believe) referenced in the show. That might not make a lot of sense, but you don't need too much information to read this.
Enjoy! I'll get back to Ron and Hermione soon. Or I might just stick with Skins...
Her favourite place here was the seat by the window. On nice days she'd bring a book and sit on the cushioned bench, her head resting against the cool glass. On days when it rained she'd drag the blanket from her bed and wrap herself in it, watching the fat raindrops hit the pavement three floors below. The blanket was never much of a comfort; everything here was scratchy and smelled odd. As if you were never meant to be comfortable. Because you weren't supposed to stay here. You were supposed to get better and then leave. That's why she was here; to get better.
Cassie didn't know what better was anymore. She had been better so many times she had lost count, and every time, it meant something different. She had been better for a little while, when she had first left the clinic in the beginning of the year, and then when she met him. Cassie swallowed, just thinking about him. The way he tasted when she had kissed him in his bedroom, the way he always looked unsure of himself. The way he looked at Michelle. She had waited for him to start looking at her like that, but then she got tired. Tired of never knowing what to do. Tired of being sad and lonely. Tired of waiting for him to wake up. So she had done what she did every time the world crashed around her; she came here.
Today was a sunny, so she didn't need her blanket as she made her way over to the window seat. The seat was in the recreation room, which was mostly empty now, since it was visiting hours. Most people were downstairs or in the courtyard with their friends or families. There were a few pale-faced people, people who didn't have anyone, sitting in the corners, but they were quiet. She had the room to herself. People never really visited Cassie. That was the disadvantage of being here so much; people were so used to it that they stopped coming to see her, since she would be out soon. Her parents didn't come much either; she wondered if they knew where she was. She wondered if they cared at all.
She pressed her forehead against the pane of glass in the window. It gave her a headache but she didn't remove it. Pain didn't really hurt her anymore. She had other pains in other places that hurt more than the cold feeling on her face. Her stomach hurt, twisted with hunger, but she wouldn't feed it. She couldn't. It wasn't easy to not eat in this place; the doctors and nurses who watched her during meals weren't immune to the games and tricks she played on everyone else. Her thigh hurt as well, from the deep gash she had made in it last night when she had taken a shower. Her showers were moderated, of course, but the doctor was a man and they were always uncomfortable when the girls showered. All Cassie had to do was let her robe fall to the floor around her feet as she stood facing the doctor and he had fled the room, calling through the door that if she needed him, he'd be in the corridor. But none of these pains truly hurt; nothing had hurt since they had brought her here, barely breathing, her blood soaked with the pills she had taken.
The only real pain was the one in her chest. The one that had bloomed when she saw Sid, and when she saw Sid looking at Michelle. It lived there, next to her heart, feeding off her sadness and blossoming as he continually looked at her blindly. He didn't love her, he couldn't. No matter how much she loved him, no matter how much she wanted him to love her, he didn't. Not even killing herself had made him realize it.
Well. He had been here. He had been here a few days ago with Michelle. They had strolled up to her holding hands, parading their happiness in front of her. And then Sid had told her that he liked her, and something went wrong. She had lied. She had said she already had a boyfriend. And she picked Simon, the boy from her group therapy sessions who loved her, to be her new boyfriend.
No matter how much she loved Sid, she pushed him away. She didn't want to be hurt by him again, yet she wanted nothing more than to see him, to kiss him, to touch him. She was so confused it made her dizzy. She didn't want what she had, but when she was given it, she lied and threw it away. She was all messed up, inside and out. Anyway, Sid hadn't come back after that day. It didn't matter that she loved him after all, she had sent him away.
She heard footsteps behind her, and she looked round to see who had intruded on her silence. Her heart thudded to a stop and her stomach flipped over into her lungs as she saw who it was. It was as if her thoughts had summoned him here; black hat, mismatched socks, smudged glasses and all. He was back.
"Sid!" she said, putting on her Happy Voice without even realizing it. It was almost her natural voice now. "Wow, it's so lovely to see you," she said, jumping up from her seat at the window. She wanted to hug him, but she held back. Now they were standing in front of one another.
Sid gave her an uncertain little grin, like he wasn't sure if he should be here or not. Cassie reached out and took his hand, leading him out of the room. She wanted to take him outside; he being here, in this clinic, mixed her two worlds together in a way that she didn't like. Outside they had more room.
"Where are we going, Cass?" he asked, following obediently behind her down the corridors with the grey carpet that muffled their footsteps. Cassie was very aware of the child-like art that hung from the wall. She tried not to feel humiliated.
They walked through the front doors. Sunlight beamed down on them, and Cassie squinted into the light. She had forgotten what fresh air and sunlight felt like. She forgot what it felt like to escape from the while-painted walls and the muted colours. The grass was such a pretty green. She laughed happily.
"Come on," she said, giving him a smile, which he returned hesitantly. They walked to the edge of the property. There was a flat rock near the edge of the green that Cassie liked to visit when she was here in the spring or summer. They sat down together, and tension filled the air between them. She didn't know why he was here, and she wondered if he knew why he was here.
"How is everyone?" she asked, filling up the silence with her loud, happy words. It was so easy, faking happiness. No one seemed to see behind it. Except for Sid. She thought that sometimes, when he cared, he did.
"Fine," Sid said distractedly. "We just got back from Russia, actually. School holiday for History, you know," he said.
"Russia? Wow," Cassie said, widening her eyes in surprise. "What was it like there?" she asked, not really caring. She didn't do History A levels anyway; if she were at college she wouldn't have gone.
"It was okay, I guess," Sid shrugged. "Maxxie and Anwar got into a row about Maxxie being gay; I had to shove pills up my ass to get past security; we stayed at a shit hostel with no running water; and then Anwar and I rescued the girl who lived behind us from her abusive father who actually turned out to be her husband, but we didn't realize that until we stole her and Anwar shagged her," he said all in one breath. "So pretty boring, really," he finished, grinning.
Cassie smiled widely. "Wow," she said. "That sounds so cool."
Sid laughed too, then rummaged in his pocket and retrieved a carton of cigarettes from the depths of his jeans. "Want one?" he asked, shaking the pack and taking out two.
Cassie eyed it. "We're not allowed it here," she told him, though she wanted to say yes more than anything. She was tired of the drugs they gave her here, pills that made her feel small and lost and like she was watching someone act as her.
Sid turned to face the building, where people and their visitors were walking or talking. "No one's looking," he said, turning back to look at her. Cassie smiled.
"Fine," she said, taking it from Sid and waiting for him to light it. It was amazing. She missed it.
"So," Sid said, "How's Simon," he asked as a thin stream of smoke trailed from his lips. Cassie wanted to kiss him so badly she had to distract herself. She took a long drag of the cigarette, letting the smoke fill in her lungs before exhaling.
"Simon?" she asked, temporarily forgetting her lie.
"Your boyfriend?" Sid reminded her, looking at her curiously.
"Oh, Simon. Wow, he's amazing," she said quickly, taking another drag of her cigarette to avoid his confused looks.
"Listen, Cass," Sid said, growing serious. "I know what you said a few days ago, and I know you hate me and I know that what you did is my fault, but I love you. I need you to know that, and I need you to know that I'm so sorry for everything I've done. I hate it every day that you tried to kill yourself because of me, and I just wanted you to know that I'll be here when – if – you want to forgive me," Sid said. He was looking at her with wide eyes, his face devoid of colour. He was nervous. "Please, Cass. Please forgive me."
"Wow," Cassie said softly, looking down at her hands. Now was the time. She could stop lying, she could love Sid because he loved her. She could be Happy. She could let go of everything in her past and start being happy with Sid. Maybe she would start eating again. Maybe she'd stop taking pills and sneaking razors into the bathroom to cut herself. Maybe she'd start over, she loved Sid and now he loved her and everything was lovely and perfect, just like she wanted. All she had to do was say yes. All she had to do was trust him, trust that he didn't love Michelle, trust that he'd never do what he had done again. All she had to do was say yes.
All she had to do was say yes.
Thanks for reading!