Disclaimer: Do not touch the royal feet!
Spoilers: Nothing in particular.
Summary: Abby calls Tony and Ziva's attention to an issue she thinks they share.
Abby paced around her workstation, wondering what was taking so long. She'd called almost five minutes ago! The bullpen wasn't five minutes away, even when the mail guy was monopolizing the elevator. Well, maybe, maybe if they waited for the elevator, got sick of waiting for it and took the stairs. She was about to either redial or start tracking GPS chips through cell phones when the familiar ding sounded from the hall.
She didn't stand on ceremony when they entered. "Have you guys had sex recently?"
While Tony choked on his coffee, Ziva gave him a few sharp slaps to the back and replied, "I take it you have heard that McGee has a new girlfriend."
"So it's true!" Abby stamped her foot, not even bothered that they both had fresh coffees while she was down to the dregs of her mid-morning Caf-Pow. "I was hoping that little swagger had something to do with a new computer. This is ridiculous. Have either of you gotten laid in the past few weeks? Or months? I am in the worst dry spell ever and it's getting more and more depressing by the day! Not even Caf-Pow is making me feel better. Since I haven't heard anything juicy about you guys lately, I thought we could do something about it."
Tony, having nearly recovered, cocked his head and croaked, "Lab orgy? But if we get caught, I'll claim you drugged and seduced me, so I won't be responsible for my actions. Are there cameras in here?"
Ziva rolled her eyes and gave him a few more back-slaps as Abby resumed pacing. "I was thinking more along the lines of hitting a few bars or trading the numbers of some single friends, but at least you're thinking. We need more suggestions like that, only let's make sure they don't potentially involve caustic chemicals or teamcest. Ziva, what do you think?"
"That I will never be desperate enough to try speed-dating. Also, what, exactly, is teamcest?"
"Y'know, intra-team relationships, as strictly verboten by rule number twelve. And I could not agree more on that speed-dating thing, not that I think things have gone that far yet. Okay. A pub crawl seems like it would defeat the purpose of informed selection…"
"Dating's not a science project, Abby. You gotta go with the gut. You see the right person and you just…well, you know what happens, not that I'm against providing lots of really descriptive details if you want to hear them."
She crossed her arms and stared Tony down across the table. "How long has it been for you?"
"Sex or a date?"
He adjusted his tie and smoothed his suit jacket. "I…I could get a date if I wanted one. We've just been so busy at the office lately. There was that case…with the guy…and the…investigating…" He trailed off before quietly repeating, "I could get a date. And I've had sex recently."
She restrained her first impulse to ask, 'With another person?' and reached out to pat his arm. "Of course you have. But at the moment, Palmer's got his embalmer, McGee's got a McSqueeze and rumor has it that even Ducky is getting lucky."
Ziva shook her head. "Ducky adopted a kitten from a rescue group. It has been taking up most of his time lately."
Abby wondered only briefly why this was the first she was hearing about this new pet. "Kittens love to cuddle!"
"I believe this one prefers to hide under appliances, but it has only been a week, so he is probably just shy. What I can tell you is that Ducky's refrigerator is rather heavy." When confronted with twin stares, Ziva shrugged. "He was concerned that Macduff was stuck, so he called to request my assistance when the catnip mouse failed to be a temptation." Tony chuckled under his breath, prompting her to add, "What?"
"Ducky named his kitten Macduff?"
Abby found that she couldn't care less, though she could see herself stomping into Autopsy in an hour demanding to see pictures. "Look, we can get back to strange pet names later. Right now, we need to focus on why no one is calling me a pet name!"
"Brave words for a woman who wears a dog collar." Tony smirked as he arced his coffee cup into the trashcan across the lab.
"Hey, I would take a hearty 'good girl' right now, never mind a 'sweetie' or a 'honey' or a…" She stopped pacing again. "I don't know why you're looking so smug when McGee has a girlfriend and you're stuck watching DVDs with Ziva on the weekends. No offense, Ziva."
"None taken." Ziva was scrolling through something on her phone, not paying attention to the fact that Tony was now reaching for her coffee cup.
Feeling as if she was losing their attention, Abby suggested, "With everyone else hooking up, why doesn't Ziva have a, er…" Not sure of where to head next, she jumped on the one thing she could immediately come up with, "Why doesn't DiNozzo have a bozo?"
Tony glanced around nervously. "I think it may be time to stop this rhyming kick."
"Fine, but Abby retains the right to be crabby if she goes too much longer without a grabby. Yeah, you might be right. I'll have to think of something more flattering that rhymes with DiNozzo. Or anything that rhymes with Ziva. Other than diva, because that might send the wrong message."
Ziva suddenly grinned and held out her phone, still unaware that she'd lost her coffee. "This is Macduff."
Abby was happy to spend the next few minutes cooing over a fluffy black and white kitten. "Oh, why doesn't Ducky talk more about him?"
"I think he is waiting for him to become more social. Once he comes out of his shell, I think we will hear about him much more often."
Tony shook his head. "Cats and birds don't mix." When both Ziva and Abby scowled at him, he continued, "Ducky? Birds? Cats and birds? Oh, forget it."
"I think your cleverness might be connected to your lack of sex."
"I'm pretty sure that Seinfeld proved that lack of sex makes guys smarter, but women dumber."
"Tony, I'm a scientist. I don't accept proof from sitcoms."
"Not even really good ones?"
"Shouldn't you be acting smarter right now then, if that were the case?"
Ziva interrupted, "We should really be getting back to the bullpen, especially since Tony has to go out and get me another coffee now."
He looked appropriately abashed. "You can have this one back."
"No, no, you finish it on your way to the coffee shop. Perhaps you could get Abby another Caf-Pow, as well?"
Not wanting any of them to waste an opportunity, Abby said, "And make sure you flirt with the cute girl at the coffee shop while you're out!"
"I don't know if…"
She followed them into the hallway and herded them into the elevator. "Ask her to O'Flanagan's for Friday! Ziva and I will come for moral support and that bartender with the buff arms."
Tony couldn't protest anymore as the elevator doors closed. Abby returned to the lab, confident that they were at least getting back on the right track. She was only able to stand in front of her computer station for a few minutes before she decided to confront Ducky about his lack of full disclosure regarding Macduff.
Tony grimaced as he sipped Ziva's nearly empty, not nearly sweet enough coffee while she watched him from the other side of the elevator. "What? You said I could have it."
She shook her head. "You could have been more precise than 'recently.'"
"When Abby asked about the last time you had sex…?"
He grinned at her over her coffee. "I thought 'an hour ago in the supply room' would have been a little too obvious."
"There was a time you would have been proud to announce that to the entire agency."
"I'm older and wiser now. No need to brag about getting it on in the supply closet when there may be actual evidence that I have been." He was aware that it was risky, immature, stupid behavior, but he didn't really care at the moment. "Besides, I'm not planning on giving you a reason to stop refilling your suspiciously thin paperclip supply anytime soon."
"Fine, but you still owe me a coffee."
"Sure. By the way, are we having another movie weekend? I mean, seeing as it's Thursday and I haven't made other plans…"
"We will talk after you get my coffee."
He started planning a Bourne/takeout schedule on his way to the coffee shop. He could always tell Abby the younger girl hadn't been there.