Alright. This is a story that has been started by Legendary Legacy in our den of insanity, TFF. But for personal problems, he let me adopt and continue it for him. So, basically, this story is a mix of mine and Legendary Legacy's writing. So, before starting, a few notes:
1. Despite the title and the rating, this story will not contain lemons. It will, however contain an abundance of limes, sexual suggestiveness, innuendo, and sexually-based comedy. Mentions of both yuri and yaoi are probable, as are mentions of all types of sexually-based fetishes and kinks, but again, nothing graphic. If you are offended or have problems with that, just don't say I didn't warn you.
2. Due to the nature of this fic, I have boosted the ages of everyone in Naruto's generation by two years. Therefore, the Rookie Nine start out at 14, Team Gai at 15, Temari at 16, and so on. The only exceptions to this rule are the younger children like Konohamaru and Hanabi, who will be in the 11-13 area. The reason will be explained later on.
3. OCs. There will be a lot of them. Some will be significant, others might get mentioned once and then never heard from again. If you hate OCs, don't say I didn't warn you.
4. As a tribute/mockery to other sexual-comedy fics out there, I'll be employing a cliched Ignorant!Naruto in this fic, but since I know a lot of people hate that sort of thing, I'll point out that he won't stay that way for long.
That should do for now. Everyone who hasn't left already, I hope you enjoy.
A Naruto Fanfic With A Twist of Lime, And Only Ten Calories
Standard Disclaimer: The characters and settings of this story are property of Kishimoto Masashi. The plot, to the best of my knowledge, is mine. Please enjoy.
"Fifteen minutes left, class," Umino Iruka announced from his desk. He looked on in mild amusement as three quarters of the class increased the pace of their writing, trying desperately to finish their tests before the end of class. Only Haruno Sakura was already finished, and Uchiha Sasuke was still writing at normal speed, meaning he was probably nearing the end. Nara Shikamaru was...asleep. Iruka rolled his eyes.
Aside from that small group, everyone else had near matching expressions of panic and desperation as they struggled through the remaining questions. He couldn't blame them; they were only a little under a month away from the final exams. If any of them weren't ready by then...
His eyes automatically drifted over to Uzumaki Naruto, who looked even more desperate than any other student...
No, scratch that. Sitting next to him was Yamanaka Ino, who was actually sweating, gritting her teeth, and flushing badly. The instructor frowned; surely she couldn't be having more trouble on the test than Naruto?
Without warning, the Yamanaka girl stood up, gasping for breath. "Iruka-sensei," she called, causing everyone else to stop momentarily to see what the disturbance was about. "May I...use the restroom, please?"
Iruka shook his head. "I'm sorry Ino, but you'll have to hold it until you finish your test."
"But-" whatever she was going to say died in her throat as she took in everyone that was currently staring at her. Reluctantly, she sat back down and resumed writing.
The next few minutes passed by in silence with the exception of the scratching of pencils on paper. Naruto, feeling confident that extra packets of instant ramen were indeed the most important thing for shinobi to remember to bring on long missions, happened to notice Ino out of the corner of his eye. She was rubbing her thighs together; slowly at first, but quickly picking up speed.
She must be cold, he surmised. But what did she expect, wearing an outfit like that in October? Sure, they lived in the Fire Country where it was warm for ten of the twelve months, but that didn't mean that it never-
"God, I'm so horny I can't think straight!" Ino suddenly screamed, slamming her hands on the desk and knocking Naruto both out of his thoughts and out of his chair. The humiliated girl buried her beet-red face in her hands as everyone again stopped what they were doing and stared at her. Somewhere in the room, a boy unconsciously snapped his pencil in half. In another part, a head cracked the desk before it, leaving a puddle of blood to pool beneath him.
Iruka, as red-faced as Ino, cleared his throat, finding his mouth very dry all of a sudden. "Ino, uh...go to... the...j-just go, please."
As Ino sprinted from the room, Iruka could have sworn he saw Inuzuka Kiba slap hands with Akimichi Choji, both of whom were trying in vain to suppress their lecherous grins. He sighed. It was happening again, it seemed. Another wave of children were beginning to reach that age. Though, this was the first time he'd ever had the misfortune of having one of them experience their first...outbreak...right in the middle of class.
Uh-oh, speaking of which...
"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto called to him with his hand raised high. "I think I've caught the Horny from Ino! Can I go home, too?"
Iruka facepalmed while the majority of the classroom groaned. "Finish your test, Naruto. And I'd like to speak with you after class."
Fifteen minutes later found Naruto standing in the hallway outside of Iruka's classroom, waiting for the older man to show up again. As he watched the rest of his classmates file out of the room, he noticed a lot of the guys were muttering and giggling amongst each other. Probably making fun of Ino, the jerks. What was so funny about someone getting sick in the middle of class?
As he thought this, Ino staggered out of the bathroom with a look of pure relief plastered on her face. This surprised Naruto; with the way the girl had looked and acted before, he knew there was no way she could be completely over it so soon. With that in mind, he decided to be helpful.
"Feeling better, Ino?" he asked with a grin. "Would you like me to help you with anything?"
Ino slugged him in the stomach, muttered a weak, "Pervert," and walked on by.
While Naruto struggled to regain his breath, Iruka reappeared next to him, looking slightly disheveled. "Thanks for waiting," he greeted the boy, ignorant of his pain.
"Hey, why'd you ask me to meet you after class and then just disappear like that?" Naruto demanded once he'd straightened back up.
"O-oh that." He waved his hand dismissively. "I just...had some quick business I had to take care of with Fubuki-sensei before I left."
Naruto grimaced. "Fubuki-sensei? You mean that cranky lady who's always screaming at me for not paying attention? How can you stand to be around her when she's so loud?"
Iruka chuckled. "Yeah, she is quite the screamer." His eyes widened. "But that's not important right now!"
"All right, so what did you want to talk to me about?"
He scratched his ear, trying to appear nonchalant. "Actually, I thought I'd take you out for some ramen to celebrate your birthday. I didn't know what else to get you so-"
Naruto seized Iruka by the neckline of his vest, cutting him off mid-sentence. "What are we doing standing around here for?" he demanded. "Come on, since it's my birthday you'll have to buy me more than usual!"
Iruka grinned happily as Naruto began pulling him toward the door of the academy, but it slowly melted into melancholy as reality began to set in. Naruto was growing up. He may still be the immature loudmouth that Iruka had always known him to be, but like Ino and the others, he had also reached that age, and even if he did prove to be immune to the life-changing effects that everyone else in the village faced like the Hokage had guessed, there would still be plenty of hazards that the unsuspecting boy might need protecting from.
And of course, the uncomfortable questions would probably start up soon, as well. But if he would just hold off on asking them until after he graduated (assuming he did), then he could ask his new jounin instructor instead. Problem solved.
"Hey Iruka-sensei, what kind of sickness is 'Horny'? Ino looked like she was gonna die for a moment, then she looked fine a few minutes later. It's not contagious, is it? I mean, I guess it wouldn't be and that's how you knew I was lying when I said I had it, but still..."
Sarutobi stood, calmly looking out over the village from the balcony of the Hokage tower.
It was so surreal. From all the way up here, one would never know that at that exact moment a good fifth of the village population was succumbing to their own baser desires.
And here he was, all alone, and really wishing he were at least twenty years younger. It really wasn't fair. As the Hokage, everyone just expected him to be above this sort of thing, to be more able to resist all the brutal temptations due to reasons known only to them.
To hell with those people. If it weren't for his complete collection of Icha Icha novels (God bless that wonderful student of his) he'd have given up on life years ago.
He heaved a great sigh, and turned to reenter the tower when he found himself facing a slowly approaching figure. Another sigh escaped him; he really didn't need this right now.
"Danzo," he greeted with a slight nod of his head.
"Sarutobi," the Root leader returned.
"Well, it's been great catching up like this," the Hokage continued as he began walking away. "Let's do it again sometime."
"Not so fast, Sarutobi." Danzo moved to impede his path. "I trust I don't have to tell you what day it is?"
"Of course not. It's Tuesday."
Danzo's eye twitched. "I'm looking for something a bit more specific than that."
"...It's October tenth."
"Correct, and what significance does this day hold?"
"Well if memory serves, today is the day of my bi-monthly physical therapy appointment at the Konoha Spas, which I'm quite looking forward to, really. I hear there's a new redhead there with 'magical fingers'."
"Quit screwing around, damn you!" Danzo growled, finally losing his cool. "You know what I'm talking about!"
Sarutobi turned serious. "It's the fourteenth anniversary of Kyubi's attack on the village."
"That's right." Danzo moved to stand in the same place that Sarutobi had been just a few moments ago, staring out at the village through his undamaged eye. "Fourteen long, miserable, degrading years since that demon turned our once proud and powerful village into a society of harlots and perverted miscreants."
"You never were one to try looking on the bright side of things, were you?"
"I tried looking on the bright side remember? You were the one who kept rejecting all of my ideas!"
"Raising an army of super-ANBU children composed of the many infants of our village's most powerful clans?"
"That idea was foolproof, damnit! If you hadn't been so narrow-minded-"
"Forgive me for thinking that leaving two dozen infants in your personal care would have been anything other than a disaster."
"Well fine then, if not that, then what are the positives?" he demanded fiercely. "Our Hokage was killed."
"A tragic loss indeed," Sarutobi agreed. "But had it not been for his sacrifice we would have lost more lives than we did."
"We still lost over a hundred lives!"
"Also tragic, but you must appreciate that they died protecting friends and loved ones. And to think, we even gained back just as many children over the next three years."
"And don't get me started on that! Need I remind you that in the months following that incident, nearly every one of our active kunoichi ended up pregnant? Nearly a fourth of our entire forces were all but useless to us for the next year! A fourth! And yet you still couldn't throw old Danzo a bone and let me take in a few of the better ones... But I digress: What if we had been attacked within that time?"
"Ah, but we were not. And really now, do you think that anyone, even a fleet of battle-hardened Iwa soldiers, would dare try to fight through an entire force of pregnant kunoichi? The Tsuchikage himself wouldn't be so foolish."
Danzo mentally slapped himself. Why hadn't he thought of that?
"And as you're well aware of, we developed proper methods for dealing with overwhelming pregnancies after that first incident anyway. And as far as bright sides go: How could anyone hope to carry out a proper invasion against us when they would become overwhelmed with the need for sex the moment they stepped past our outer walls? This barrier of sexual stimulation has given us the perfect defense against anyone who may oppose us, correct?"
Danzo looked to be struggling to find anything more to complain about that Sarutobi wouldn't be able to refute. "What about our dignity, Sarutobi? The way word has probably spread over the years, we must be the laughing stock of the entire continent. We've been reduced to a joke of a village."
"Nonsense," the Sandaime said with a wave of his hand. "I think the fact that we still receive many missions from other countries and are still bound in treaties with a few of them shows that we are still a highly respected village."
Danzo growled in disgust, realizing that there would be no getting through to him anymore. A silence fell over them, but Sarutobi didn't bother to try leaving again. He knew there was more on his old rival's mind. And sure enough...
"I still say we should dispose of the vessel."
"We will do no such thing," he answered sternly. "As I've said before, with the Kyubi inside him it's highly likely that he'll be completely unaffected by the demon's own pheromone."
"And it's also highly likely that he'll quickly prove himself to be worse than ten Mitarashi's!"
"Oh, now you're exaggerating, Danzo. Anko-chan may be a little...eccentric at times, but I'm sure she's no worse than anyone else-"
"Tell that to my young protégé! The poor boy still hasn't recovered since that succubus got her claws into him. You know he's somehow become obsessed with male genitalia since then? And stop trying to change the subject! Now that the boy's come of age, there's no telling what horrors he could bring to us. And as I've said in the past, maybe the key to ending all of this madness is to get rid of the source!"
"And as I've said many times in the past, if you or anyone else dares to go through with 'disposing' of Naruto in any way, I'll personally have you begging me to send you to Ibiki. Only, and I emphasis 'only', if your suspicions eventually bear fruit, will anything be done about him. And even then, I will be the one to decide what will be done. Is that clear, Danzo?"
"Crystal, Sarutobi," the scarred elder sneered. Knowing that the conversation was over, he turned and began walking away.
"I'll be keeping an eye on you, Danzo," Sarutobi warned one last time.
Danzo snickered. "Keep an eye on me... You should do something more constructive with your time, Hokage-sama, like trying harder to get laid like the rest of your village. Or is it true that even demonic pheromones aren't strong enough to overcome impotency?"
The Hokage grinned at the barb. "That's a rather cheap shot, old friend. Tell me, when was the last time you spent any quality time with a lady?"
"Two nights ago," he said, smirking over his shoulder.
"I meant without having to pay for it."
Danzo stopped in mid-step, the smirk wiped clean from his face. He looked like he was about to start swearing, but instead turned and walked away without another word.
Satisfied that even years of pent-up sexual tension hadn't managed to throw him off his game, Sarutobi gave one final look toward the village, wondering what changes would be presented in the days and months to come.
"I certainly hope you're prepared for it, Naruto."
"I think you're full of crap, Iruka-sensei."
Iruka frowned at him. "Are you saying you don't think I know how the human body works?"
"You must not," he confirmed. "I mean, okay...so when people get older their bodies change, and when a guy gets...aroused his thing becomes hard, I know that. And I can understand why people would call that 'horny'. But I'll have you know that I've seen a naked girl before, and from what I saw there wasn't any part of her body that could rightfully be described as a horn."
Iruka came to a stop and took a quick look around to see if anyone was paying any attention to them. He didn't want to, but curiosity demanded that he ask. "...When did you see a naked girl?"
Naruto scratched his chin. "Back when I still lived at the orphanage. I think I was seven at the time, but since there were a lot of kids there at one point, the adults would sometimes have a bunch of the kids take baths together to save time, but I always had to take mine alone after everyone else was finished."
"One time when I was walking past the bathroom I heard a girl crying inside, so I thought she might be in trouble. The door was locked, so I ran outside and looked through the window."
Iruka's eyes widened. The villagers would have a hay-day if they heard that. Uzumaki Naruto: Seven year old voyeur.
"It turned out she just had soap in her eyes," Naruto continued, not noticing the look Iruka had on his face. "But that was when I first noticed that all the girls in there were...missing something important."
The older man sighed in understanding. "And like any boy in your position, you had to ask about it, right?"
"Yep. I asked one of the girl's about it later that day. She called me a 'sicko', kicked me in my own privates and pushed me down the stairs. After that I never really felt up to asking anyone again. And it's not funny!"
Iruka reigned in his laughter at the boy's expense. "Oh come on, it is a little funny. Reminds me of what happened to me when I was about that age, but that's a story for another time. Back to the point: Do you understand now what exactly happened in class earlier?"
Naruto pinkened slightly from the new light that had been shed on Ino's predicament. "I guess...I understand what you told me, but...it still doesn't make any sense, you know?"
"What doesn't?" Iruka questioned. He might have been extra subtle with his explanation, but he didn't think he had left anything important out.
"Well think about it: How could Ino have possibly gotten that excited just from taking a TEST? I mean, when I'm taking tests I'm usually bored out... Why are you banging your head on the sidewalk?"
Iruka ceased the abuse to his person and rose back to his feet, realizing that he may have left out one or two things. "Okay, that was my fault, I guess. Listen Naruto: you and Ino and all the other kids in your class are going to start feeling the effects of the pheromone real soon. Some of you already have, you see?"
Seeing his blank look, Iruka grew worried. "Please tell me you know about the pheromone that the Kyubi released on the village fourteen years ago."
Naruto's face remained blank for several seconds before a realization hit him. "Oh, you mean the poison!"
A small group of people stopped and stared at Iruka's sudden outburst. Calming himself, he pulled Naruto in closer and lowered his voice. "Who told you it was a poison?"
"Uh...th-the old lady who used to work at the library," he stammered, caught by surprise at Iruka's reaction.
Iruka's jaw clenched. "And when was this then?"
"I think I was about eight or nine at the time. I wanted to hear about what happened the night the Kyubi attacked the village, but no one would say anything to me when I asked them, except for one guy who just said, "Stay away from my daughter, you little bastard," which didn't make much sense. So after that I went to the library to see if there was a book about it or something, but the librarian said she'd tell me all I needed to know.
"She told me that after the Yondaime killed the Kyubi, a deadly poison was released from its body. The poison killed the Yondaime and a whole lot of other people, and that's why it was forbidden to talk about it anymore because it was disrespectful. She said that if certain people heard me asking more about it I could get executed for it. That was why no one else would tell me. Good thing she warned me about it, huh?"
Iruka was furious. That decrepit old witch! And to think, he'd actually sent flowers to her funeral last year!
Well this certainly made things worse. Here he'd been putting off on telling Naruto these things because he thought he'd already have some idea about them. He never would have guessed that a few bad experiences in his younger days would have turned Naruto completely off from learning about not just the pheromone, but of sexuality in general. And what the hell was wrong with the villagers? Just because it was forbidden to mention that Naruto had the Kyubi sealed inside him, he hadn't thought that people would actually lie to him about everything else, too. What the hell was that supposed to accomplish?
"You okay, sensei?" Naruto asked him. "We're not gonna get in trouble for talking about it are we?"
Iruka hung his head, then placed a warm hand on the boy's shoulder. "Let's go get that ramen. We can talk more about this on the way back."
"Are you really certain about this, Ayame? I mean, it's doesn't have to be today, you know? You could give it a few more weeks and think it over more."
"I've been thinking about it for years now, daddy," the seventeen-year-old brunette replied. "I'm going to do it, and I don't see why you are so against it. It's not like this would be my first time or anything. Is it just because it's him?"
Teuchi shook his head. "It's not that I have anything against the boy myself, you know? He's a great kid. It's just...well; we both know that the boy's not exactly well taken too around here. And if word got out-"
"All the more reason that I should do it," Ayame said simply. "If no one else can stand to be around him, think of all the suffering he'll go through once his urges start kicking in. Oh, and I've seen the home videos that some of the other villagers have made. If they're willing to do those sorts of things with each other, they have no right to criticize anyone else about what they do or who they do it with."
Teuchi smiled despite his misgivings. Even in an immoral, sex-society like this one, he'd still managed to raise one hell of a daughter. Always looking out for the wellbeing of those who deserved it...
"Besides," she went on, gaining a dreamy look in her eyes. "He's been our best customer for nearly ten years now. And he's always so cheerful and friendly...so adorable with those funny marks on his face...he's probably hung like a horse..."
Teuchi choked, causing him to spill a fresh pot of noodles on the floor while Ayame patted him firmly on the back.
"Sweetheart," he gasped. "I realize that the ways of this village have changed since I was your age, and as your father I try to be open-minded about the things you might be doing when I'm not around, but for the sake of my own sanity, could you please not say things like that around me?"
Ayame grinned sheepishly, and muttered an apology before walking into the back room to grab a mop.