Iruka wasn't at the academy the next day. Or the day after. When he failed to show up on the third day, Naruto began to worry. He'd been hoping to talk to Iruka about the events that had taken place on his birthday, being in need of a bit more clarification to what he should be doing now, what he wasn't supposed to be doing, and so forth. Not feeling comfortable talking about it to anyone else in class, he ran to Iruka's house as soon as it ended, but found the place empty. Next, he tried the hospital to see if maybe he was recovering from some kind of injury that he didn't really want to think about, and again found nothing.
Finally, there was only one place left to check: That Anko lady's place. Unfortunately, he didn't know where that was, and the people that he asked for directions from weren't exactly helpful either.
"You want to go where? ...Are you stupid!"
"Heheh, ya got balls kid, I'll give ya that. But I'll give ya a tip: Don't hunt for sharks your first time on the water. Start with the trout and then work your way up."
"A-a-a-an-Anko? Where? K-k-keep her away! Oh God, KEEP HER AWAY! AAAAHHHH!"
"Don't even think about it, brat. You'll be dead, dismembered and drained of every last drop of bodily fluid before she even finishes ripping your clothes off. ...You know, on second thought, if you just go down the road a ways and turn-"
Not helpful at all; And a little disheartening, to be perfectly honest. So with nowhere else to turn, he paid a visit to the Hokage.
"Ah, Naruto!" Sarutobi greeted cheerfully, being quick to stuff the little orange book that he'd been reading under a stack of papers on his desk. "I trust you had an ...eventful birthday?"
Naruto's greeting was a bit sourer. "Yeah, 'eventful' would be a good word for it. And thanks a whole bunch for deciding to never give me any kind of heads-up for those kinds of events!"
Sarutobi's smile dropped a little. "You...didn't know? Iruka or anyone never explained it to you?"
"Only about fifteen minutes AFTER it would have been appreciated!"
Sarutobi felt a stab of guilt, which he managed to hide well. "I see." He fell silent for a moment before smirking. "Must have been quite the surprise for you then, huh?"
"Oh, I was surprised! I went from licking chocolate off a naked girl who I regularly refer to as 'neechan' to hiding under my bed from a...are you listening to me?"
Sarutobi shook himself from his daze and wiped the drool from his chin. "Sorry, you lost me about halfway through there."
Naruto grumbled. Dirty old man.
Forcing the lecherous grin from his face, the Hokage continued. "But uh, you were hiding from what now?"
"Some demon lady named Anko."
"Ah," the old man said, nodding as though he'd expected it. "I told her to restrain herself a bit when dealing with you, but she always was such a go-getter."
"Well she 'went and got' Iruka-sensei instead, and from what I've been able to gather, she's probably got him tied up in her basement and is either torturing him or is trying to sex him to death!"
"Probably both," Sarutobi ventured.
"So then let's go help him!"
Naruto looked exasperated. "Why? Death by sex is still death, isn't it? Are you just gonna let her kill him?"
Sarutobi laughed out loud and waved his hand. "Don't you worry about that, Naruto; People like to exaggerate just how bad Anko-chan really is. Besides, Iruka's dealt with her plenty of times before and she hasn't managed to 'sex him to death' yet. He'll be fine in a few days."
Seeing that Naruto still didn't look completely convinced, Sarutobi decided to change the subject. "You know what you need to take your mind off of things, Naruto? A massage." He reached into his desk and pulled out a small stub of paper, which Naruto took with some trepidation. "Think of it as a late birthday present. Just take that to the Konoha Health Spa & Beauty Center and they'll let you right in. And if you think about it, ask for Izumi. She gave me one just yesterday and let me tell you, she really-"
Naruto interrupted with a gag. "You mean you made some poor girl rub all over your saggy, wrinkly old body? GROSS!" He barely dodged the stone paperweight that was aimed for his head and escaped the room before the old man found something else to throw at him.
"Hokages have needs too, damnit!"
The next day…
Naruto started, and glanced around wondering who had actually decided to talk to him. It turned out to be Kiba, leaning down toward him with his white puppy, Akamaru asleep on his head.
"You were the last one to see sensei that day when he made you stay after class, right?" the Inuzuka questioned. "You know where he went?"
Naruto sighed and turned back around. "Last I saw of him he was being dragged away in chains, sobbing."
Kiba looked alarmed. "Are you serious? ...Oh wait, you mean by a woman?"
Naruto nodded, causing Kiba to settle down. "Lucky guy. And for four days, too. Damn." He started to lean back in his seat when he thought of something. Leaning in closer to Naruto, he lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Speaking of which, you just turned of age, didn't you?"
Naruto sank into his seat, not wishing to discuss this with the dog boy of all people.
Kiba's grin turned more lecherous. "Isn't it freakin' awesome? I mean sure, I have to put up with a lot of creepy talks and 'helpful teachings' from my family... and a couple of the dogs, but it's SO worth it!" He leaned forward even further until his face was nearly side-by-side with Naruto's. "So who was your first piece of tail? Pinky over there?" he gestured toward Sakura, who in turn was gazing longingly at Sasuke. "Or maybe you were lucky enough to give Ino her first time too, eh?" He snapped his fingers. "Oh, you dog; it was Hinata, wasn't it? You went for the quiet girl even though she's not even legal yet, didn't you? She's probably a total freak in bed though, right? Be honest with me!"
"Would you shut up?" Naruto hissed.
Kiba quirked an eyebrow. "…You haven't done it yet, have you?" Seeing Naruto sink as far he possibly could without ending up on the floor made him smirk even wider. "Oh that is just sad, dude."
"Stop talking to me," Naruto grumbled.
Kiba sat back, raising his hands disarmingly. "Alright, alright, I'm just saying: You'd better find someone that can stand the thought of tossing you some pity sex real soon unless you want to end up like Uchiha over there."
"Sasuke?" Naruto asked in surprise. The pretty-boy top student whom EVERY girl fawned over, hadn't had sex yet either?
Kiba nodded in the direction of said boy. "Don't know what the hell's wrong with him; he could have every girl in this academy all at the same time if he really wanted to. But I can smell pent-up sexual frustration from a mile away, and I can say for certain that it's been a good long time since he's been laid."
Out of the corner of his eye, Naruto looked over at Sasuke, who was sitting with his hands clasped in front of his face and looking as impassive and broody as ever. He was about to turn away when Sasuke's body suddenly gave a sharp spasm. It only lasted an instant and the next he was back to normal, but he was sure he'd seen it.
As Mizuki entered the room and began the day's lecture, Naruto's mind began to wander, much like it always did in class. Loath as he was to admit it, Kiba actually made a good point. There was no telling when he would suddenly start to feel the effects of the pheromone, and when he did, he would need someone to help him with the uncontrollable needs just like anyone else would.
But who would it be?
As much as he would have loved it to be Sakura-chan, he was a bit reluctant to even think about it. He really loved her fiery attitude and all, but for the most part that fieriness was usually directed toward him in a rather negative way. Heck, if she barely tolerated having him sit next to her in class, he hated to think of what she might do if he just waltzed up and asked her for sex. The mental image of her most likely reaction caused him to shiver and cross his legs protectively. Maybe he'd get lucky and she'd end up coming to him instead…
Ino was in the same boat as Sakura. Besides, he barely knew her outside of class, and last time he'd offered to help her with something she'd belted him.
And who was the Hinata girl that Kiba had mentioned? The name was sort of familiar, but which one was she? Looking around, he spotted what must have been her in the back row, looking down at her desk. He turned back to her every few moments, but oddly enough, every time he did she would bring her textbook up and hide her face from view. But from the glimpses he'd managed to catch of her, he deduced that she was a bit creepy looking. It was a shame: She might have been pretty cute if it weren't for those thick, bulging veins on her face.
And then there was Ayame. She seemed to be willing enough, so long as she wasn't bitter over him avoiding her for the last four days. He hated giving up his treasured sustenance for that long, but after the things he'd done with her it just felt kind of awkward to see her again.
To top it all off, he wasn't exactly an expert when it came to women, or sex for that matter. But if it really was unavoidable, he would be damned if he ended up in a situation like he had with Ayame again and not have the foggiest idea of what to do about it. And with that in mind, Naruto made the decision that before anything else happened to him he was going to need to start doing some research.
And so a week passed. When he wasn't sitting in class, Naruto could typically be found shut in his room, empty ramen cups littering the floor and the occasional tissue jammed up his nostrils, pouring over various books, manuals and scrolls that he had managed to 'acquire' from different places and people. He'd started out small with a simple anatomy book to better familiarize himself with what he would be working with, and quickly progressed to the classic 'Where Do Babies Come From', then onto 'The Idiot's Guide to Intercourse', and finally to a copy of Icha Icha Paradise Volume 1, which he quickly discarded knowing full well that no real person could actually do some of the things depicted in the first two chapters alone.
Illustrations be damned.
As it was, Naruto would have preferred to get some advice from a person rather than books and manuals, but the only person he really felt comfortable asking about it from was Iruka. And unfortunately, he was still unable to go to him for further advice, because when the instructor finally returned to class after his long absence, part of which was apparently spent in intensive recovery, he ended up disappearing again only a few hours after class had begun. This spurred Naruto onward to finish his studying so that he might be able to finally rescue Iruka from the clutches of Anko.
Unfortunately, though his determination to save his friend and teacher was high, something happened to distract Naruto from even that. While taking in all this new information about women and sex, an idea popped into his head.
An idea for what could quite possibly be the best damn prank ever to be pulled in his young life!
And so a few more weeks passed.
Ayame was really distressed.
It had been nearly a month since Naruto's birthday, and Ayame's hopes of making herself Naruto's first were fading fast. Every new day that passed was another day that he remained in danger of people like Yugao and Anko, and any other girl who might happen to be near him when the mood hit.
She at least took comfort in knowing that neither of those two had gotten him. She knew that because if Anko had gotten him the whole village would have known about it because Anko would be shouting it from the Hokage Monument. And if Yugao had gotten him the whole village would have known about it because she would have bragged about it to Anko, who would in turn complain about it to everyone else that she ran into.
And while Ayame was worried enough about Naruto's innocence being shattered by those two virgin-breakers, the more concerning matter was that Naruto had been avoiding her.
For as far back as she could remember, Naruto had come to their shop every day, sometimes as many as four times in a single day, to eat. But ever since his birthday, they were lucky to see him walk in even once a day. And even when he did come by, he only stayed long enough to eat and then take off again without even bothering to talk to anyone; sometimes he'd even take his orders to go. Ayame hadn't wanted to push the issue with him, but any time that she had asked what he was so preoccupied with, he always just said, "Studying."
Ayame thought she could understood that, at least. Given that his academy finals were approaching, she figured that he was putting extra effort into his training to keep from failing again.
But even so, would it kill him to take a break now and then to come see her? After all, when a girl literally gift-wraps herself for you, the last thing you're supposed to do is avoid her or pretend that it didn't happen, right? Besides, she hadn't been THAT forward about it, had she? Compared to some of the things she'd seen other villagers do to people they liked, her little surprise seemed almost reserved.
But then again, this was Naruto, after all. And if he really had been lied to his whole life like Iruka said he'd been, she could see how she might have come on a little strong. So with that in mind, she resolved that the next time Naruto came by, she'd be sure to take things at a much slower pace with him, to let him know that she wasn't some sex-starved lunatic like some people she could name.
Naruto walked to Ichiraku's with a big grin on his face. His training had finally paid off, and he couldn't wait to try it out on some unsuspecting sucker. But first things first: He'd kept himself so damn busy with learning about women and sex and practicing his latest prank that he had actually been cutting down on his visits to Ichiraku's, something he would have thought impossible not too long ago. Hopefully old man Ichiraku and Ayame wouldn't be upset about him neglecting them like that.
Walking into the ramen stand, he spotted Ayame standing behind the counter, looking lost in thought. He raised his arm to get her attention. "Hi, Ayame-nee-"
He didn't finish, because with a speed that could make even a jounin envious, Ayame had leapt over the counter, tackled him to the floor and was now kissing him so hard he could already feel his lips start to bruise. Thinking franticly, Naruto tried to distract himself from the kiss to prevent anything embarrassing from happening, but trying to ignore that only brought attention to everything else that was happening between the two of them, namely her chest pressed up against his, her legs entwined around his, her hips grinding into his...
And just as Naruto reached the point of either fainting or breaking down and reciprocating, he wasn't sure which, everything stopped all at once and Ayame quickly pulled herself up and off of him, breathless and flushed. Had he ventured a guess, Naruto would say he looked about the same.
Breaking the silence, Ayame gave him a sheepish grin. "Um...good morning?"
"I'll say," Naruto mumbled before shaking his head and sitting up. "I mean, good morning."
Ayame giggled, relieved that Naruto hadn't run away the moment she'd moved. "So...hungry?"
Naruto brightened as well. "You bet!"
Ayame started humming to herself as she began boiling a fresh batch of noodles. Naruto propped himself in a seat, resting on his elbows and watching her work.
"So," he began after a moment of silence. "I guess you're not mad at me for skipping out on you guys so much the last couple of weeks?"
"No, of course not," she assured him. "Actually, I was thinking that maybe you were mad at me for what I did back then. I mean, it was a little over the top."
Naruto laughed good-naturedly. "Nah, it's okay. Besides, it wasn't all bad."
Ayame quirked an eyebrow. "Oh really? Then...what was your favorite part?"
Naruto stopped laughing. "P-pardon?"
"I said: What part of my birthday surprise did you like the best?"
Naruto's mouth opened, and then closed. He wondered how he could best answer this question without sounding like a moron or a jerk. "Uh...well, about that...I really liked your, I mean liked the...err..."
Ayame stifled a laugh, deciding to let him off the hook for now. "I'm just kidding, Naruto-kun. Anyway, how did all of your studying go?"
Naruto's eyes lit up with untold amounts of mischief. "It was great! Wanna see my new jutsu?"
"Sure, why not," she said, as she removed the noodles from the stove.
Naruto jumped up from his seat, looking positively giddy. "All right, go look outside and tell me if you see someone coming in. I'm gonna use it to play a prank on someone!"
Ayame couldn't help rolling her eyes. Typical Naruto, she supposed. She walked over to the entrance and looked out, scanning both sides of the street until she spotted a boy walking in their direction. Seeing the boy notice her and wave, she suspected he'd be stopping in. "There's a kid about your age coming, Naruto-kun," she informed him.
"Perfect," Naruto said, forming a hand seal. This was going to be so great! "Henge."
Inuzuka Kiba smirked as he waved to Ichiraku Ayame. Before hitting puberty, he'd almost never eaten at the ramen shop, preferring meat with rice as opposed to with noodles. But recently, he'd been frequenting the place a lot more often, hoping that sooner or later he might get lucky and have the chance to hook up with a hot, slightly older woman like Ayame.
"Morning, Ayame-chan," he greeted when he got close enough. Akamaru gave a greeting of his own from atop his owner's head.
"Good morning, Kiba-kun," she responded, giving the dog a small pat on the head. "And you too, Akamaru." She then ushered them into the restaurant.
"I don't have a lot of time today," Kiba mentioned as he entered the shop. "Gotta get to class ffff-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-"
Hearing Kiba's strangled speech, Ayame followed in behind him. "What's wrong, Ki-" Then her jaw hit the floor.
Standing in front of them, posing as though she were modeling for the centerfold, was a completely naked girl, her decency hidden by nothing more than a thin trail of smoke. She gave the two a coy wink as they stared, mesmerized and horrified, at her.
Kiba finally found his voice again.
"GOD!" Ayame finished before dashing over, grabbing the blonde by the arm and dragging her into the back room before she could make any form of protest.
Kiba remained motionless for almost a full minute as he stared at the doorway that the two girls had disappeared behind. He might have stayed that way even longer had Akamaru not nipped him in the ear.
"What was that for?" he demanded, to which the puppy gave a curt yip. "There's nothing wrong with fantasizing!" Another yip, followed by a small growl. "What? You say she smelled familiar?" An affirmative bark. Kiba rubbed his chin. "You know, now that you mention it, she looked really familiar, too. She kinda reminds me of-"
The Inuzuka froze. A dark expression appeared on his face. "Oh, I'll kill him."
"Aw Ayame-chan! You didn't let me finish my prank!" Naruto pouted.
In her state of protective anger, Ayame managed to ignore the fact that a pouting female Naruto was about the most adorable thing she'd ever seen, along with the fact that 'she' was still naked, and bopped the blonde lightly on the head. "Don't ever do that again, you dummy!"
"Why not?" Naruto demanded while rubbing 'her' head. "Didn't you see the look on his face? It was hilarious!"
Ayame shook her head, her patience waning slightly. "Naruto, running around naked in public places like that is like an open invitation for anyone in the area to take and do whatever they want with you! It's a dangerous practice that only the biggest of nymphomaniacs dare to attempt because there's never any telling who or how many people will end up getting involved with it. What would you have done if something like that happened to you?"
Naruto shrugged. "Turn back to a guy and make fun of them?"
"Did you ever consider that it might take more than that to dissuade some of them? A lot of people in Konoha aren't exactly picky when the urge hits them, especially if they're being teased, you know?"
No, he sure hadn't considered that. "I'll be more careful," he begrudgingly mumbled.
Nodding in approval, Ayame was finally able to address the whole naked female Naruto situation. "So what have you done to yourself here?" she asked as she gave her friend's new body a twice-over, noting with some envy the perfectly proportioned body that would have any guy and more than a few women drooling like idiots over it. "Is it all real, or just some kind of illusion?"
"'Course it's real! I've been practicing this for weeks now. I've got the female body down pat!"
"Really?" Ayame asked, quirking an eyebrow. She then proceeded to reach out and grab two big handfuls of the 'realness' for further clarification. Naruto responded to this with a very high-pitched squeak and full-body lock-up.
"Yep, these are definitely real," the ramen girl confirmed as she continued squeezing, poking, prodding and tweaking Naruto's chest, oblivious to the wide array of expressions and reactions she was getting from doing it. "Well what about down there, then?" Surely he couldn't have replicated a female body that closely, right?
She didn't get a definite answer, because the instant her hand grazed her target area, Naruto let out a shriek and literally hit the ceiling, leaving a large crack in his wake and dispelling the jutsu before collapsing back to the floor.
Ayame blinked in surprise, and knelt down beside him. "Are you all right, Naruto-kun?"
In his head, Naruto was saying, "-"
Out loud, he said, "I...I have to get to class!" And, ignoring his concussion, he sprang to his feet and dashed out the door, cursing himself for making the jutsu so realistic and swearing to never, EVER use it again. ...Unless it were really, really funny, of course.
Ayame watched him run away, disappointed. Here she had hoped to wish him luck on his shinobi exams, and instead she'd apparently gotten a bit carried away with herself. Thinking back on it, she was amazed at just how well a boy like Naruto had managed to replicate a female body. And how soft his female body was. And how adorable his squeaks had been when she was testing the body out...
It was then that she noticed a tingling down below.
"Damnit," she cursed. "Guess I was having a little too much fun." Leave it to Naruto to manage to turn her on even when he was a girl. He was certainly going to make up for this one of these days.
Naruto cringed as Kiba all but body-slammed him into the wall the moment he entered the academy.
"What the hell, man? What, the hell?" the Inuzuka demanded.
Naruto, at the moment, was still a bit out of it since the memories of being fondled by a woman, AS a woman wouldn't leave his head, and had to pause for a moment to consider what Kiba was so angry about.
…Oh yeah, the prank. Right.
"You look!" Kiba interrupted. "How could you not ever tell me you had such a hot sister! I thought we were friends!"
"I mean, I know we don't exactly hang out like we used to when we were younger, but you just can't keep things like that hidden from people!" Kiba clarified. "Especially when they're as smokin' hot as her!"
"...Sister?" Naruto asked, looking dumbfounded.
"Don't play dumb with me! She had the exact same hair and eye color as you and the same clan markings on her face! What's her name? How old is she? She's definitely legal, right? You gotta hook me up, man!"
Naruto confused face melted into a smirk. So Kiba thought his Oiroke was his sister? This had possibilities to it. Should he come clean now and have the whole academy laugh at Kiba for getting turned on by a guy in disguise, or should he play along and drag the prank out even further, thereby making him look even stupider later on?
Taking Naruto's smirking silence completely the wrong way, Kiba let out a strained growl. "Wanna play hardball, huh? Alright then, how about this," He pulled Naruto in closer to him. "Do you know what a Sister-Swap is?"
Naruto quirked his eyebrow. "Do I want to know?"
Kiba fished out a small photograph from his pocket and handed it to Naruto, who's eyes widened upon seeing its contents. "My sister Hana. Chunin, veterinarian, and yes, she does own a special uniform if nurses are your thing. 87-63-86. What do you think?"
"Why do you carry around a picture of your sister in a see-through negligee?"
"That's not important," Kiba answered, snatching back the photo. "Here's the deal Naruto: You set me up with your sister, and I'll set you up with mine, it's that simple. Sound good?"
"You're saying you want to pimp out your own sister?" Naruto asked, remembering a similar phrase used from the little bit of Icha Icha Paradise he'd read.
Kiba waved it off. "Pimp is such a derogatory word. I just like to think of it as sharing the wealth. Sort of a tit-for-tat, if you get my drift."
Naruto remained silent, and Kiba clapped him on the shoulder. "Well at least think about it, alright? For now, let's just worry about passing that final exam."
"THAT'S TODAY!" an eye-bulging Naruto screeched, causing Kiba to flinch.
"Uh, yeah. The exact same day that the instructors have been telling us it would be on for the last two months, remember?"
Naruto spent the next five minutes cussing under his breath while the class waited for the instructors to show up. He couldn't believe how stupid he was; he'd been so focused on learning about sex and women and perfecting his Oiroke no Jutsu that he'd completely forgotten about practicing for his final genin exam.
He took a deep breath as Mizuki and a haggard looking Iruka entered the room. Maybe he could still pass this time. He felt even with his lack of studying he would still be okay. After all, he'd already performed a Kawarimi once before, and if he could henge into a woman without any problems he could surely henge into another person, right?
So just as long as the final test didn't end up being-
"Bunshin no Jutsu," Mizuki announced to the class.
Naruto's head struck the desk. "AW, FUCK ME!"
In the back of the class, Hinata's nose erupted in blood and she collapsed to the floor.
"Would someone please carry Hyuga-san to the nurse," Mizuki commanded without looking up from his charts. "And Uzumaki-kun, please go take care of your more pressing issues. And be quick about it; if you take too long we'll be forced to fail you."
Naruto lifted his head, giving the white-haired teacher a quizzical look. "But I don't-" Then a thought struck him. "Yes sir, Mizuki-sensei!" He couldn't fight his relief as he dashed out of the room, realizing that he'd just bought himself some time. If he could squeeze in a few extra minutes of hard practice, maybe, just maybe it would be enough to help him pass.
Sadly, it wasn't.