How to Deal with People Who Piss You Off, by Santana Lopez
Rated K+ For swearing.
A completely AU story about a Santana intervention after the one the Glee guys staged on Karofsky.
Glee Club, Waiting on Mr. Schue
Santana sneered and said with a degree of scorn that was strong even for her, "What you did was a joke, you know that, don'tcha?" She rolled her eyes at Quinn's tender attention to Sam's eye. "Sam got a beatdown for nothing and it didn't help Kurt because it made our guys look like complete pussies and you can be just as all 'aren't my boyfriends brave' as you wanna be but I could have handled this in three minutes. Oh but hold please. You were keeping it on the DL from the single ladies, weren'tcha?"
She looked at her nails, "Epic fail. And I feel you starting but don't even Q."
Quinn only lifted an eyebrow. For so many years she and S had been so really wrong and yet oddly right as friends. Completely familiar and true.
"Fine, S. But Kurt needs help and no one's helping us help him. Enlighten us, great one. What would you have done?"
"Rock the hell out of this loser school at lunch tomorrow if you and B will step up. All you have to do is stand by me and nod and shit. Trust me?"
Quinn eyed her for a long moment. "With BS or boyfriend or stupid high school stuff? Never."
"Gotcha. Right back actcha harder. But this isn't stupid, Q—it's serious."
Quinn nodded, "Fine." She lowered her head but smiled, "I always trust you with serious."
Santana almost grinned, "Me too. How 'bout you B?"
Brittany blinked and rocked in place, "You're the only person I trust in the whole world except my mom and my dad and my sister and my cat, except for the diary thing." She thought about that and said, "I'm sorry Artie but me and San have been besties since we were three."
Artie shrugged, "I know that—I understand."
Santana regulated her glare at Artie to half-stun because anyone who was nice to B got bonus life points.
"Right. We're good, then. Deal. Kurt? Your situation will be over tomorrow but we all need to meet in the quad outside at lunch for it to happen."
Kurt tried to speak before Quinn raised a hand and whispered, "Don't even. If S says it like that? Shut up, suit up and show up."
Nobody knew what would happen but it was a glorious sunny day and most of the kids at WMHS were hanging out eating lunch in the sun. Santana wanted all the Glee kids there and they were and nobody paid particular attention as they ambled toward one picnic table with two students sitting at it.
Santana simply said to the two, "Move it or lose it."
The two kids grabbed their lunches and scrambled out of the way and she pointed to Quinn and Brittany, "Follow me."
She climbed onto the table, Quinn and Brittany flanked her and she snapped her fingers. One, two, three. It was a reflex. They all shouted "O-KAY!"
And so they had the attention of most of the student body of WMHS. And they knew, because a teacher had to monitor lunch period outside and because Santana had arranged it, they had the attention of temporary principal Sue Sylvester, who was actually strangely supportive of a non-bullying policy if she wasn't doing the bullying.
Santana's voice rang over the space, "Public service announcement." She jerked her thumb at the people beside her. "You all know me and the HBIC and Britts. We've known most of you since we were six years old but I think I need to remind you of something because you've been slipping real bad, people."
She put her hands on her hips and said, "Just about the time Moses came down from that mountain with the Ten Commandments, he came down with an 11th commandment just for Lima freakin' Ohio. And you all know what it is because I've personally beaten it into a lot of your sorry asses over the years. What is it?"
The school body answered but it was a soft murmur at best.
Quinn barked. "SAY IT PEOPLE!" She got a loud uniform answer from the other students, "NOBODY HURTS BRITTANY."
Santana nodded and put her hand on Brittany's arm. "Right. Nobody hurts Brittany. Because if you hurt my girl's feelings and God help you if you ever touched her?" She shook her head because the idea of that was sort of unbelievable to her, "Know this? Quinn is a stone bitch, right?"
Quinn nodded, "True story."
"But me? Please. You all know you get prison justice from me if you hurt Brittany. I'm announcing a new rule. My girl likes her friends in Glee, right Britts?"
Brittany nodded her head.
"B, does it make you sad when people hurt people you like?"
Brittany nodded her head emphatically.
"There you go. It's real simple. Britts likes every one of our gleeks so if you fuck with any of them? As in you say mean shit to them or touch them? Hello? You just hurt my girl. So it's on. With me. I won't just black your eye, bitches, and you know who I'm talking to. Oh wait? What? I'm a small girl and some of you are meathead jocks? What the fuck ever. Bring it. I'll pay it back and not to you but to your mama and papa, your sister, your brother, your whole generation. And your cell phone, your car, your computer, whatever you got. Your whole life. I really don't care because I'm a freak like that where my girl's concerned."
She pointed to her fellow Glee members, "Touch any one of my girl's gleeks but especially Kurt or Berry and you'd better sleep with one eye open and forever because I never forget if you hurt Brittany. Double down on not fucking with our midget because I know she's extra tempting, even to me. Bottom line? You hurt them, you hurt Brittany. Hurt my girl and I will hurt you so many times and so help me God."
Quinn waited for one moment to make sure the tirade was over and couldn't quite believe what she'd just heard said at school. She shouted, "SAY 'WE UNDERSTAND' IF YOU UNDERSTAND!"
It was lockstep and somber, "WE UNDERSTAND," everyone answered.
Santana nodded, "Final warning. I am so not playing. Back to your lunchtime fuckery, people."
As a visibly astonished, quiet student body resumed their lunch, Santana and Quinn jumped off the picnic table. But Brittany laughed and said, "San, I can do a back-flip off this table so easy."
With no notice, Brittany changed everything for Santana. As she always did. Because Santana immediately felt something she only sometimes felt with Brittany in their dance and cheer relationship but always, always in their personal relationship. Something like, 'I completely trust you but I don't know how to risk you and so I'm sort of dying here wondering 'what if' because everything about you is risky for me, so I'll be responsible and try to take care of you and want to be sure you'll be safe no matter what.' She'd worked herself into ripshit pissed off to fuck up the school but Brittany said one sentence and changed everything.
All she said, and softly, was, "Sure you can, B, but hold a sec. Always have a spot. I can't drop my girl."
Brittany nodded, "I know."
B nailed it flawlessly, easily, laughed then hugged Santana and said, "See San? You didn't have to help but I like that you'd never drop me."
"Drop you? Never, ever. For always. Or you know, whatever. Go hang with with Artie. I have to go get my Chem book."
Brittany shook her head, leaned closer and whispered, "I know you're saying that because you need to go away to feel things but that's okay. And I know you secretly like Kurt and Rachel and you did it for them but I know you did it mostly for me." She beamed as it occurred to her that, "It felt like a secret Eskimo kiss, San. Only louder and really mean. I loved it."
Santana pulled Brittany into a long hug, which the girl happily returned. Santana whispered, "Did you know I've been in love with you since we were three years old?"
She drew back immediately, icily shocked that she'd actually really just said that. She kissed a profoundly stunned Brittany on the cheek before turning and scowled ferociously as she passed the Glee boys, "That's how it's done, bitches."
She could see Rachel and Kurt were about to speak so she held up a hand as she passed, "Whatever. If you can't improve silence, don't talk," she glared at them—"Or sing."
Quinn winked at her and Santana nodded.
And as she passed Sue Sylvester, Santana winked at her. Her coach nodded.
The girl had potential. As a dictator, corporate lawyer or cheer coach. Anything ruthless. She approved.