I was watching a video my friend Princess Darkcloud recommended to me, and I thought it would be hilarious if Remus and Lily were in this situation.

WARNINGS: A stereotypical gay guy, language, and a slightly racist joke.


Lily was dying… she was sure of it. There was no effing WAY that her heart could be this broken and still be beating. Alice White and Marlene McKinnon attempted to comfort her as she sobbed into her pillow.

"It will be okay Lily!" Alice said earnestly. "I'm sure he didn't mean it!"

"How could he do this to me?" Lily wailed. "I thought he loved me!"

"This just proves that I was right." Marlene said smugly. "You should have listened to me when I told you that Kingsley was going to dump you."

"Marlene, be nice." Alice said softly.

"What? I'm just saying that she should have listened to me. I was right when I said that Snape was going to become a Death Eater, and I was right when I said that Lupin and Black were together."

Lily sobbed harder when Marlene mentioned Severus. "Maybe I should just… I don't know… ask him to take me back."

"WHAAAAT?" A shrill male voice screeched from the bottom of the stairs followed by the sounds of someone scrambling up a slide. Soon a flushed Remus Lupin was standing in the doorway, panting and flushed. "What are you doing? What? What? What are you doing?"

The three girls stared at Remus. He was wearing skintight leather pants, an electric blue v-neck t-shirt around his neck was the most fabulous scarf that had been featured in Witch Weekly for the past month. They were so jealous of that scarf. He turned to Alice and Marlene.

"Ladies, could I speak to Lily alone for a few minutes?" The girls nodded and left the dormitory, leaving Remus and Lily alone. "Lily Evens, what are you doing?"

"He- he doesn't love meeeee!" Lily wailed, and plopped her head into her pillow.

"So we cry on our beds till our eyes turn red? Honey, this is Kingsley Shackbolt we're talking about, okay? Shackbolt. There is something rotten in Hogwarts, and it is his piss poor attitude."

Lily snuffled and sat up slowly. "Well, he has been kind of hard to deal with lately." She sniffed.

"He hexed your best friend." Remus said bluntly. "So instead of crying on your bed, you're going to write a sad poem in your journal and move on." Remus took a deep breath after his rant. "By the way… this is the best your hair has ever looked!"

Lily smiled. "Really?"

"Oh my God, yes."

Lily wiped her watery eyes on her sleeve. "I… I just don't understand why he would do this… I mean, he thought that I was cheating on him. I never cheated on him!"

Remus sighed. "Well, I know that, and you know that…. But somehow your wand cleaning cloth ended up underneath James' pillow." Lily gasped and Remus nodded solemnly. "So now Kingsley thinks that your fingers have been all over James' broomstick."

"Oh." Lily sagged on her bed and began crying again. "I can sort of understand why Kingsley would think I cheated on him then."

"What? WHAT? Some guy ends up with your wand cleaning cloth and your boyfriend gets to dump you? No. I gave a cough drop to Xenophillius Lovegood last week. Does that mean I had sex with him? No. And I never would. Because , one, he's crazy, and two, he wears radishes in his ears. WHY ARE YOU STILL CRYING?"

"Okay!" Lily scrambled out of her bed. "Alright! Okay, I've stopped crying!"

"Goodness..." Remus rolled his eyes.

"Do you know what Kingsley said to me though?" Lily whispered , even though they were the only to people in the room." Remus shook his head. "He said that I was 'false as hell'."

"'False as hell'?" Remus gasped. Lily nodded. "Wow, he is black…" Lily snorted. "Speaking of which, does 'Moore' mean 'More'?

"Remus!" Lily gasped.

"I'm sorry, that was just plain racist." Remus laughed.

Lily giggled. "Yeah. Lets sneak down to the kitchens. I need food to forget my love for him."

"Wait, what? You love him?" Lily nodded and Remus rolled his eyes. "Lils, you started going out with him on Sunday! Its barley Thursday morning. Slow down, Crazy. Slow down."

"Love makes you crazy!" Lily snapped.

"I should say so!"

"I am a grown woman!"

"Um… I think you're sixteen, and you're an idiot. You ate food that Hagrid cooked. Look at your life. Look at your choices." Remus raised his eyebrow at Lily. "Have you ever even slept with this guy?"

Lily smirked, looking smug. "I did."

Lily's words were met with shocked silence.


"Rem… are you okay?"

"… You big slut." Lily looked quite ashamed of herself until Remus started to grin. "Good for you! Yaaaaay. Lily did you think I was angry at you?"

Lily nodded, "Yeah, sorry."

Remus shook his head affectionately. "Lily, you're such a stupid bitch. You're a stupid bitch."

Ummmm so that was REALLY fun to write. I wish I had a Sassy Gay Friend… REVIEW!