title: this room hasn't got any walls.
pairing: beck&cat, finding light in summer days. beck&tori, shattering every single one.
summary: and she thinks she can see endless summer days with him.
author's note: oh-my-god. i skipped doing my cultural history homework to finish this beast. i haven't written beck&cat in so long and i lurvee them almost as much as beck&tori, almost more in a way of originality. anyway, i'm proud of this piece and oh-my-god i can't believe that I wrote this. i love this song by Carla Bruni and i recommend you all listen to it, and also to the song "Lullaby" by Billy Joel which i quoted in hereeeeee.
oh-my-god. this is like one of my longest pieces. I'M SO HAPPYYYY. :D
dedications: although i sound weird, i dedicate this to myself. i've changed so much, and for the better and i'm awkwardly proud of myself. (yay me!) and this is also for seemslikeaporno who is ah-maze-ing at writing beck&tori and she's pretty awesome for having my back and ALWAYSSS to LOLChanny819 because she puts up with my major suckiness. she's so absolutely lovely and i would lovee if you all checked them both out.
OKAY I'M RIDICULOUS SO READ.
Okay. It's in a non-linear timeline. I'm done talking. I promise. :)
When you are here with me
This room hasn't got any walls.
Le Ciel Dans Une Chambre – Carla Bruni
she kind of forgets that summer.
(or at least, she'd likes to pretend she forgot. pleasepleaseplease let her forget?)
the edges begin to blur, the sun blocking her vision.
a whisper. that's what she hears. it's tickling her ear. it's a faint melody tracing her heartstrings, catching her attention. (but only for a moment before she forgets what's being said because she's cat and she can't handle staying on one topic.)
she falls down the rabbit hole. (he doesn't offer her his hand, but rather watches her fallfallfall because isn't she lovely?)
the truth is that he's fucked up, and she's fucked up and he's in love with lust and he's just wanting to get in her pants and she's oh so willing.
they become friends right as school ends. it's the last summer before college starts and everyone cries when they all part. tori got a summer job in new york (concrete jungles where dreams are madeeeee of.) and jade's off somewhere (really, cat can't bother caring.). andre's stuck with his grandmother an hour away for the entire summer and no one really cares about robbie anyway.
beck and cat eat ice cream and sometimes she falls asleep in his rv because her parents don't give a fuck where she is.
(on these nights, she sometimes thinks she can hear his faint singing and a hand between her thighs. she moves on because he's beck and she's cat and beck&cat doesn't ring like beck&jade or beck&tori. at least, not to her.
although she really wishes it did ring, because she's so in love with him that it hurts.)
he calls her the next day, and he whispers his deep whisper.
"i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable, cat. but i do think you're beautiful."
so she asks him out, and they don't go to the boardwalk like she wanted to, but they sit inside his rv and they kiss and he presses his hand between her thighs but then pulls away.
(she can't help but feeling like she's being hidden. and it's so painful when she asks him to make love to her and he shakes his head.
"i don't think you're ready, cat.")
she feels dirty, so she runs out of his rv, runs until she falls over and she lets out a sob. she was always in love with beckley oliver.
(the worst, most awful part of it all is that she would hand over her virginity to him at any moment. she's in love with him that much.)
the summer heat creeps up her skin and she's sweating. he drags her into the water and they splash together. she jumps on him and they flail underwater, limbs tangling and water drowning them in a hallelujah chorus. (and the sad thing is that she would love to die right in this moment, tangled with beck and having the numbing water lull her to sleep.)
he pulls them up and the waves crash them to shore and they've landed so that beck is draped on top of her and she is panting from lack of air. (she might also be panting because this is what she dreams about.) he leans down, and she thinks he might kiss her, but then he rolls off of her and they lay together, hand in hand and let their damp bodies dry.
(she dreams of those almost moments. of almost drowning with him, and almost kisses in the sand.)
he shows up to her house, his eyes dark with worry and his eyes lined with bags.
"cat," he says.
she grabs his hand and leads him to the living room, and he's about to talk but she kisses him harshly and tells him to shut up. and because her parents are away, she touches him and they make love on the white carpet. (and she gets blood on it but it doesn't matter at that moment when they lay together and they're still connected.)
"i think i might love you," she whispers. she's biting her lip and he starts pounding into her again so they scream together, sticky and sweaty bodies rubbing together.
(they make love so many times, and she says i love you every time and ignores the way he doesn't say a word.)
they go to the park one day and she bakes them red velvet cupcakes and little sandwiches. they eat and laugh and he pushes her on the swing. and an old woman comes over to them and smiles. "you two are such a lovely couple."
beck's eyes darken and he harshly whispers, "we aren't dating."
the old woman nods in shock and scurries away and cat curses at her in her mind.
(why'd she have to ruin this, why did she have to bring up that he was not hers?)
and beck drops her off at home without a hug, just an icy goodbye and she wishes on a million stars he'd forget because she never will.
they don't do anything fun anymore. sex is fun sometimes, but sometimes beck hurts her more than pleasures her.
tori calls her and tells her she's coming out for the weekend.
"isn't it so great, cat? you, beck, and i can hang out again! i miss you guys so much!"
and cat nods and laughs and speaks when she should, but she knows that beck will lust over tori as soon as she comes back. it's a fact, because she sees the way they look at each other.
(the thing is, tori once said beck told tori he possibly loved her. and beck has had sex with cat so many times, but he's never sad anything like that, and cat is so so so jealous and she hates tori.
but really she can't hate tori, because tori's all sweet sunshine and brightbright smiles. cat just really hates herself because she'll never be enough and it's so unfair.)
beck invites her to go to the city with him one day, and she's still nervous after the park episode, but of course, she says yes.
they ride on the highway listening to the beatles and french songs she doesn't understand. he sings them under his breath and for some reason she knows these are love songs and she starts to try to sing along too. and she knows this means something to him when he takes her hand and they sing together.
the rest of the day is filled with laughs and smiles, but that moment in the car is the most meaningful. for some reason, it makes sense. and so when they head back home, she asks him what one of the songs is saying.
he smiles faintly, "when you are near me, this room has no walls."
and so she asks him for a copy of the cd and she plays it over and over, mostly that one song and she always says it under her breath.
("when you are near me, this room has no walls.")
she knows he's excited to see tori because he doesn't have sex with cat. he smiles like a kindergartener who's about to see his mommy after school. it makes cat so green with envy that she smashes a vase when she gets home.
(she thinks of using the pieces to cut the white of her wrists, but she throws them away. she's been on edge lately, she whispers. she doesn't need to worry because beck will catch her if she falls.
there's a few days between their city trip where he goes away to visit his family. it's five days of agony and empty days. her parents have forgotten her sadness, being so accustomed to her bliss for the past couple of weeks.
she slams the door on her mother when her mother asks her what's wrong.
(because all she wants is beck. that's all she wants mother, and you can't bring beck.)
she reads magazines and listens to her french songs so many times that they are imprinted in her mind. she looks up all the translations and she whispers them to herself.
they're all love songs and it brings her a little happiness.
and when those five long days are up, he drives straight to her house and they go to the movie theater. he's about to buy tickets to a comedy, but then she begs him to go to the movie in french. he looks confused, but then he buys them and they eat salty popcorn and read the subtitles and it unravels to be a sad love story about pain and confusion but she loves it anyways. she hears her song, and it's so soft that she can barely catch it, but when she does, she takes beck's hand in hers.
she's about to lean in to kiss him, but then the main character kills herself so she turns away from beck in awe.
(the fact of the matter is, that cat's entranced by the red red red blood dripping down. she would've been dead by now if she had the courage to kill herself.
she turns to beck, and when he smiles at her, she's so proud of herself that she didn't do it. the ache in her heart has been fixed, and she thinks she can see endless summer days with him.)
tori comes back to town with a smile on her bright tanned face, and she gives cat a hug when she gets off the plane.
"cat! i've missed you so much!"
and cat's actually glad to see her, but then tori sees beck and it's all too tight hugs that last too long. and then cat's wishing that beck was holding her hand, but he's not because he's holding tori's.
(and something's telling her that this summer is falling.)
one day, they sit under the stars and she asks him what happened with jade in an oh so tiny voice. he doesn't answer for a long time, but then he tells her.
"she cheated on me."
and cat's grabbing his hand and holding it for a long time and before she realizes it, she asks him, "why?"
he sighs and closes his eyes, "because she was jealous."
she doesn't say anything, and he answers her unspoken question. "she didn't like the way i looked at you and tori."
(and cat pretends that he only said her because she's so overwhelmed with emotion.)
and before she realizes it, she's kissing him and it's so summer sweet and she's imagining all the possibilities and she thinks she can see happy endings.
he pulls away and they don't say a word and he doesn't kiss her again. they stay silent and she gets up to leave and he lets her.
(she feels like a fool.)
tori and beck talk for ages and they don't notice cat or their coffee that slowly cools. cat drinks two coffees and eats a cupcake (but it's not red velvet) and she's stuck as the third wheel.
they laugh and smile and cat is so sick of it all. tori asks beck what he's been up to, but he just shrugs and says, "nothing much."
(and cat's about to be sick because she finds out that she's nothing much so she gets up and excuses herself to the bathroom. she throws up pink cupcakes and regrets and she feels so much better.)
she sits in the bathroom for minutes, waiting for one of them to notice until she realizes how silly she's being. she's walking back to the table when she sees them.
beck's smiling at her, and they're holding hands and suddenly they look so perfect and so fucking adorable that cat has to run-leave-go before she starts to cry.
(she feels like she's trapped in a room with sealed walls and no windows and there's only darkness. and she's crying salty tears because she's in so much pain and there's nothing to help her.)
and the worst part is that beck doesn't call to say goodnight.
he calls her one night while she's getting into bed and he whispers, "goodnight cat."
and even though she's been with him all day, she just wants to hear his voice. "can you sing me a song, beck?"
and so he sings.
"goodnight, my angel, time to close your eyes, and save these questions for another day."
her eyes slide shut and the last thing she hears is, "you'll always be a part of me."
(it then it becomes a routine.)
she walks to beck's house in her best dress that he's complimented so many times and she's happy and sad (but that's just cat) and she's singing under her breath.
she opens the door to his house like she always does, and she's met with the sight of beck and tori tangled together. beck and tori are naked and suddenly cat's not feeling anything.
"crap," beck says as he pulls away from tori, "cat, you don't understand."
and tori's grabbing her clothes to hide herself but cat's falling to the ground with her tears flowing down her cheeks, unable to run.
she wails, "how could you, how could you?"
and beck throws his jeans on and tori whispers, "cat, you knew beck and i always liked each other."
and it dawns on cat that tori doesn't know. it's not tori's fault, it's the fault of the boy she's in love with. cat gets up from the ground and with tears still plastered to her face, she turns and runs.
french songs twist around her mind, taunting her and mocking her. lullabies won't sound so sweet anymore and she's thinking about the shards of the vase she destroyed.
(but then she thinks, all she wants to do is drown in their memories.)
she asks him one day, if he ever thought he could love her.
he doesn't answer her question, but he says, "i could never hurt you."
and she kisses him and forgets her questions because one day, he'll answer them all.
he dumps her before she leaves to nyu and he doesn't kiss her, although she kisses him.
"i love you," she says.
and he looks at her and he says, "i never could."
that's when she kisses him, but he pulls away and he tells her that he's so damn sorry because he wishes he loved her.
he runs away, and she cries and she thinks of throwing herself to the waves but she doesn't because she's cat and she's going to live.
and the night when beck and tori get married, she hides under the warm water in her dorm, but for some reason, she cannot bare to die.
instead, those memories never stop playing.
(and she doesn't die, but she drowns in memories all the time. and it's enough until she can grow the courage to drown herself with the memory of legs tangled in hers.)