Death Becomes Her:
An Unfortunate Visit
by: Evil Carnisa
As Helen Sharp pulled the Lincoln Town Car into the driveway of the large mansion, Madeline Ashton was busy glueing on her false eyelashes. "Are you sure she'll remember you?", Helen questioned, as the two exited the car. "I mean, it has been years since you've seen her last." "Please; Zsa Zsa owes me, seeing as she stole that hunky Conrad Hilton from me", was her colleague's reply.
"Madeline!", Zsa Zsa Gabor swooned, as she opened the door. "Darling, you haven't aged a day!" "If only you knew", she chuckled, kissing the socialite on both cheeks. "This is my good friend Helen Sharp; an author." With the pleasantries over, Zsa Zsa led them into her dining room, which held a plethora of celebrities, all waving and greeting the two corpses.
Sitting down beside each other, the gentleman to Helen's right, who was in the restroom when the ladies came in, greeted, "Hey there, I'm-" "Ernest?", both women said at the same time. "Oh, Lord", he mumbled, burying his face in his hands. "What are two doing here? I thought I told you not to find me, or look for me, or anything." "Calm down, nitwit", Madeline warned, holding something sharp against his thigh. "Madeline...is that a knife?", he meekly asked. "No, it's my finger- the tip broke off this morning, and I don't know how to reattach it! Couldn't you do just one touch up, please, just to get me through this dinner?"
With a heavy sigh, the mortician and his former bride slipped away, heading to the garage. "Ok, I don't have much to work with here", he muttered, turning on a power sander, "but I'll do the best I can." In the middle of sanding down both ends of the finger bones, the gardner burst in, the sudden interruption causing Ernest to grind the bone to nothing but dust. "Oh my God, Madeline, I am so sorry", he began, stepping slowly away from her. "My finger", she called, sad, at first, before repeating , "My FINGER", fire in her voice. "Off all the things that could go wrong, you turn my finger into sawdust. It's these things, Ernest- these things that cause me to lose my temper, and cause you physical pain."
Exasperated, she pulled out a pair of gloves from her purse, slipped them on, and angrily walked back into the dining room. Unnoticed, she slipped back into her seat, and began whispering her story to Helen, who was trying not to let her surprise show. "At least it's somthing minor, and it didn't cause a scene", she added, as Zsa Zsa rose. "A toast", she smiled, her diamonds glittering, as she raised her glass, "to good friends, best friends, and friends in general." As everyone rose theirs, getting nudged by Ernest as he sat back down, Madeline's glass bumped up against one of her false eyelashes, pulling some of the glue loose. "Darling, you lash", Zsa Zsa gestured, with a hand.
"Oh, silly me", Madeline replied, putting a hand to it. "Let me tell you, if it wasn't for friends like you, I'd lose my head if I weren't paying attention." Tearing off the lash, she was treated to screams and stumbling bodies, as she took off her entire right eyelid in the process. As the party exited in terror, excluding Ernest and Helen, Madeline added, "Or an eyelash and eyelid. How much would you like to bet we aren't allowed back over here?"