Chapter Five: It's Time to Bullshit
"Time to do shit, guys! …Boy, I wish I knew what I was doing."
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Actions have consequences, kiddies. More decisions are made and they're probably not too good.
Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view
Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.
A year ago, I had expected to die at age eighty-three; the number was oddly specific, but that was just my imagination speaking. I pictured myself an old lady, hopefully dying in a peaceful way, like in my sleep. Nothing spectacular was needed.
Six months ago, I had expected to die around age twenty-five from heart failure or from sheer stress causing my poor body to just give into the inevitable. I would blame Barricade and my job as his human tutor as the cause of death.
As of thirty seconds prior to the moment I found myself in at the present time, I was one hundred and ten percent certain I was about to die at the ripe again of seventeen years, seven months, and twelve days. And it was still Barricade's fault.
There is nothing on Earth, or anywhere else, that will prepare you for the moment you run face to face with your death, especially when said-death would come at the hands of a three-story tall robot with red eyes and weapons transforming out of every orifice except his ass. And I don't even think they have asses.
Regardless, I was very much unprepared myself when I found both Barricade and myself staring up into Starscream's face, in some creepy abandoned factory in the middle of whoknewwhere, and contemplating the realization I was about to die eight years earlier than I had expected a week ago and sixty-six years earlier than I had thought a year ago.
Well, fuck, I thought eloquently as Barricade literally started to shake, the tremors jostling me in his hand. I wanted to protest when he bent down to drop me on my unsteady feet, but in a short moment, I realized why he did that.
The two Seekers, including Skywarp who had grabbed Barricade and I, stood back obediently as Starscream took the floor. I hurt my neck craning it up to look at him. All I saw were beady red optics and a fearsome set of metal teeth gnashing in untold agitation and a desire for vengeance.
Vaguely, I realized that at that moment, I was look at my executioner.
Fun times, man.
"You didn't answer your comm.. link, Barricade," Starscream began, hissing and sweet all at once, body swerving almost birdlike. He sounded just as terrifying as I remembered it to be. "You had us all worried."
Barricade stepped back discreetly, pushing me to the side with the motion. I stumbled away obediently, my eyes going from Barricade's side to Starscream's looming face to the two other Seekers lurking beyond him. I couldn't breathe.
"I…" Barricade started, audibly forcing himself to sound braver than he was. He did a better job than I would have. "I did not think to keep the line open. Apologies, Lord Starscream."
Starscream stomped closer and I whimpered as he literally towered over Barricade with less than a few yards to spare between our two sides. "And then—and then what do I find?" Starscream continued, voice rising from that fake-sweet voice. "You and that organic talking with Prime—PRIME!" All at once Starscream started to yell. He rounded closer than ever, red optics burning like fire. "Pray tell, Barricade—just why were you talking with Prime?"
"We—," Barricade began, in vain.
I screamed when the jet surged forward and grabbed Barricade by the neck. All of those tubes and wires crunched together under Starscream's claws. The smaller mech didn't stand a chance against the Seeker.
"ANSWER ME!" Starscream screeched, hauling Barricade high into the air. He slammed the Interceptor into a concrete pillar, and with every hit, shouted, "Traitorous—ungrateful—waste—of—space!"
Starscream grabbed Barricade with two hands and hurled him downward so fast, I couldn't follow the motion. The sound I did hear; the sound of metal bending and snapping, glass shattering and an inhuman cry of pain as Starscream all but ripped the Barricade's front armor off. I ducked as pieces of stray metal flew my way, rolling across the cement. Skywarp made a harsh sound like laughter and Starscream screeched something in Cybertronian as he slammed his clawed hands straight into Barricade's unguarded shoulder.
Fallen over by a stack of wooden crates, I stared on in horror at the display of violence and reveled in my own helplessness.
Oh, God. He was going to kill him.
Starscream just kept slamming Barricade into the ground, screaming over and over in a mix of rage-filled Cybertronian and English curses and accusations of betrayal. I stumbled to my feet as the slamming continued, rattling the ground and through my bones.
I had nothing I could do. I had nothing at my disposal that could have possibly made a difference there.
"WAIT!" I screamed. I tried to get closer, but a flying piece of—oh, God, that was Barricade's windshield—slammed into the ground in front of me. I waved my arms, panicking. "WAIT! I—!"
Starscream, of course, didn't give one shit about me and was too busy ripping Barricade's fucking chestplates off to care that I was screaming at him. I didn't care about the other two Seekers in the room, because I realized at that moment a very solid and undeniable fact:
No one gave a shit about me, because I didn't matter.
Normally, this would be a good thing. Hell, I could have run right out of that warehouse and none of them would have stopped me. Compared to the war, the Decepticons and all of the Transformers' plans, I was insignificant. Worthless. Human.
But Barricade was about to die, and if I wasn't important, he was going to be killed right there on the ground, whether I ran or stood by watching.
So… I had to be worth giving a shit over. That was not an easy requirement to fill in a matter of twenty-seconds, but I did my best. I had to, because Barricade was going to die and I could not let that happen.
Flying to the top of a crate on pure adrenaline, I stood parallel to the one-sided massacre and braced my throbbing, terrorized heart.
And then, shouting at the top of my lungs, I said something I would soon regret:
"I know where they're going!"
My voice was already torn raw from earlier screaming, but something gave me strength to scream loud enough to be heard. Maybe it was because Starscream had brought his hand back again and the sound of metal tearing was momentarily stopped. I could hear my breath for the first time and I sounded like I had run miles and miles. My cry had done its job. All too well.
Slowly removing himself from Barricade's shuddering body, Starscream turned his massive head and faced me. His piercing optics ripped through me and threatened to steal my voice.
But somehow, I had just enough courage left to see this though. Before he could start attacking me or go back to ignoring me, I gave him reason to keep his optics on me now. Me, the tiny human.
"The Autobots," I gasped, well aware I was crying. "I—I know where they're using for a base, a real one."
Staring such an alien in the face… was breathtaking. I had rarely seen Barricade in his real form. Their faces were similar to ours based on their transformation needs, but everything smaller on it wasn't human. There were moving parts that chittered quietly as they folded back when he sneered. His optics swirled as he focused on me for the first time since Barricade's wedding.
"…Do you now?" Starscream began, leaning forward toward me. I struggled to breathe again; the tears had to stop and they did.
Words came fast and I barely had time to coherently organize them into actual lies. We were going to die unless I got it right. I had no idea what "right" was, but I had to try.
"B-Barricade and I were spying," I said, standing my ground as Starscream stood up and I was suddenly facing him, utterly alone. "Th-they found us in—in our cover, with the humans." My brain seared hot as I struggled to grab hold of something, anything, to tell him, "We stole their intel. Well, as much as we could since y-you showed up pretty quick."
Starscream was either genuinely fucking around with us, or he was actually more patient than his biography had me believe. "What did you discover?" he demanded, stepping ever closer.
"I—," I began, stumbling and failing. Starscream hissed.
Think. THINK. For the love of God, think—!
"More Autobots are coming," I said, my mind on fire, even though my body felt like it had been encased in ice. Blatant lies would have to work. "Wheeljack. The twins. H-Hound." Whether or not they were actually coming paled in comparison to the more pressing concern that they might not even exist in this world.
Starscream snarled. "I don't know those names!" he replied harshly, not helping my fears.
"Wheeljack's a scientist. The twins are frontliners. Real tough," I stammered, trying to keep looking at his optics. I wanted to look away; I was too afraid to keep this up for long. "Y-you'll need more fighters for them. Th-they can take down jets."
One of the Seekers by the wall scoffed loudly. "Ha!" he barked; judging by the blue, he had to Thundercracker.
"H-Hound… he's a tracker," I explained. I wondered if that would work for an explanation. "Not much of a fighter, but still."
Starscream was literally ten feet in front of me at that point. "Go on," he ordered coldly, leaning over with one clawed hand latching around a support beam next to us. His shadow dropped over me and I shuddered from the chill.
OhGodsaveme. "Th-the human team is called NEST. They're helping the Autobots, all over the world," I rattled off, fishing for anything and everything that I knew. Anything at all would help if I sold it right. "You're going to be fighting the United States military and their allies soon."
"I am not afraid of your species' pathetic military!" Starscream shrieked, the expulsion of air from that gesture nearly blowing me backwards.
Don't piss him off, don't piss him off—
"I-I'm just thinking in terms of quantity. Y-you only have three here, sir, b-beside Barricade and I," I stammered. "There… there'll be a clear disadvantage coming up for your—our—army."
Starscream gnashed his teeth, but surprisingly didn't say anything else about that. He looked at his trinemates and then glared down at me. "Anything else, human?" he demanded in a snarl.
"I…" I trembled and almost started to cry when Starscream smashed his fist into a container unit to make me speak. Words flew straight from my mind to my tongue without censorship. "They're trying to bring down their own ship! The Ark!" I screamed, wincing backwards.
Thankfully, that gave him something else to freak out about that wasn't our fault. "Slag, I knew it!" he screeched. He turned and made a fist in anger. "Prime is quick to act." The blue Seeker, Thundercracker, rumbled darkly.
Shivering, I nodded and practically bowed, something I had never thought I'd do for anyone. It made me sick. "They're bringing it to that base we were at. I don't know if they'll move it now, now that it's been sighted, but that was what we discovered earlier," I said, voice losing strength. I nodded again, even as he ignored me. "My Lord."
My last minute groveling fell on deaf audio receptors. Starscream had stalked to the other side of the room and was snarling ugly strings of Cybertronian. Neither of his friends by the wall spoke in reply, so he was probably just ranting. My eyes fell downward and I saw Barricade had rolled onto his side and curled up. His optics were already on me and I saw how his hands had clawed deep into the cement floor.
He probably had stopped himself from lunging at Starscream that whole time. I stumbled off of the crate, looking wildly over at Starscream as I went. Skywarp watched me, but I didn't care about him. All I wanted was to leave, but not without Barricade.
My legs were practically jelly at that point, but I did make it to Barricade's side. I knelt—fell to my knees, really—by his face. His bright red optics were dimmer than Starscream's, even up that close. He was so big compared to me, but I knew we were both so very tiny at that moment.
I was never more scared in my life.
"Are you okay?" I asked, whispering. My eyes were watering, but I did my best to keep a straight face.
Barricade said nothing as he peered back at me, still shaking from pain. His optics roved upwards as I heard heavy footsteps marching closer again. I hunched my shoulders, as if that would protect me.
Turning my head, I saw Starscream looming over us both. He didn't look friendly, but the fact he wasn't actively trying to step on us anymore was a huge help.
"You act on your own orders one more time, Barricade, and I will kill you," Starscream began. I fully believed he would carry out that threat. "You and your pet might prove useful, but do not think you are irreplaceable."
Clearly, Starscream had more important concerns now than us two. That was the only reason we got out of there alive, I realized in hindsight.
Barricade slowly rose to four limbs, optics pinned to Starscream's. "Y-yes, my lord," he bit out. His throat was all torn up, though I didn't think their vocal systems had the same organs as we did. I didn't really care at that point, either way.
Starscream sneered at his victim. "Get out of my sight," he demanded.
Thankfully, Barricade had the power to transform and obey that command. I fell into the front seat, my heart racing anew. We were leaving, we were leaving, we were leaving—
As Barricade drove in silence out of the hanger bay door on the left hand of the building and I saw sunlight streaming through the shattered windows, everything sort of stopped. Barricade said nothing until he was out of earshot of the other mechs.
"…Thanks," he said, voice garbled through the radio.
I swallowed hard and nodded. "Don't mention it," I said, voice just as weak.
He pulled out of the driveway at a sedate pace, probably because fleeing too fast would be suspicious. We got to the high way when I finally caved and burst into tears. Barricade, for his part, said nothing demeaning.
Impossibly, we had lived to see another day. How much longer than a day was still very much unclear.
We were in Texas, we learned in hindsight, so we had a long drive back to both NEST and Idaho. I had given up all hope of lying to my mother and fully anticipated being crucified upon sight when I got home. …If I got home. Same went with Barricade with Emily, even though he didn't mention it. He didn't really have to. The dark shadow Starscream had dropped over us was quickly replaced the by shadow of our loved ones who were waiting to murder us both back home.
But justified murder would have to wait.
Almost twelve hours after our unwanted departure from the NEST compound, we had some serious thinking and debating to do. Barricade pulled off of the interstate, though it was too early for a dinner stop. We hadn't talked much in the car, which was great, because if we had talked too soon, I wouldn't have been too coherent to add my two cents. Barricade obviously had to calm down too and when I saw him making the turn into another empty lot under an overpass with lots of cover all around, I knew he wanted to do it on his own two feet.
I wordlessly got out of the car and backed up to let him transform. He had healed a little bit from the damages sustained earlier in the day, but he still looked awful. He didn't make any sounds of pain, though and seemed focused and calm now. That was good. I felt way better myself, though the question of "Why do we do now?" kept grabbing at my heart and choking my breath away.
"We have to think of a way to get out of this alive," Barricade announced. He started to pace immediately and I stood back to watch him create a large dent in the sandy gravel as he did so. "Starscream thinks we're working for Prime and those Autobots must think we're working for Starscream."
"But Starscream thinks we're spies," I protested, biting my lip.
Barricade waved a hand at me. To my surprise, he didn't seem to be dismissing me, just what I had said. He was being remarkably civil, actually. "For all we know, he's just biding his time to prove we're betraying him and he'll strike then," he growled. He looked at me quickly. "Though good work with what you did."
I blinked. "Really?" Praise didn't suit him.
"Of course now you've cemented your presence in all of this and Starscream will be expecting further espionage activities from both of us, so you've also complicated the matters even more," he added, just a little bitter.
Oh, goody, and here I thought he had been so damaged by Starscream that he was a nice person now. I scowled and crossed my arms against my chest. "Well, we're alive now," I pointed out.
"True." Barricade slapped a hand to his face, the gesture odd for his metal form now. He had spent so much time as a human now, though, that the habits were difficult to get over. "Primus, we are so fucked."
"We can't just roll over and die though!" I exclaimed. He glared at me, but I trudged closer, my heart set on figuring out how to escape this alive. "Let's brainstorm. There has to be a way to fix this."
"Like what?" Barricade shot back, exasperated. Well, if he was going to be a Negative Nancy about this, I had to be optimistic. Or else, I'm pretty sure our next option would be to commit suicide.
"Why not just tell Prime and the Autobots the truth?" I demanded, pointing out the obvious choice. You know, the sane one where we'd have the Autobots watching our asses.
Apparently, Barricade didn't like that option either. "They won't believe us!" he hissed. Belatedly, I realized that his two-story tall form wasn't intimidating to me, well, not as much as it would be if it were another mech. Interesting. "They saw Starscream attack them and then grab us!"
"Then let Ratchet scan you or something," I said, getting impatient. It wasn't rocket science. I couldn't fathom why he wasn't going for this plan.
Barricade recoiled. "Frag no!"
Instantly, I got pissed. "Are you fucking kidding me?" I seethed, stepping closer, as if I in anyway could tower over the alien. "Don't be a little bitch when our lives are at stake!"
As far as I was concerned, if I could stand up to fucking STARSCREAM, Barricade could handle a little submissiveness and let Ratchet peek at his brain. Once they saw we were telling the truth—about everything—they'd help us. They'd know then, for sure, that we weren't the bad guys. It was our only option!
"You have no idea the amount of trust it takes to let a medic do that. No fragging way, brat," Barricade snarled. He moved backwards and started to pace again, agitated. "We just have to work with their distrust. A scan would be pointless after that."
I clenched both fists in barely constrained anger. "Oh?" I prompted. This would be good.
Barricade glanced at me, optics narrowed dangerously. When he spoke, however, he was clearly trying to be patient with me. "Listen. I don't expect you to understand yet, but the Autobots aren't the goody-two-shoe players you seem to think they are."
"I know. Well, I know now," I said, pushing aside the immediate desire to stand up for Optimus Prime. He was still the hero, but I wasn't going to deny the fact that the Autobots weren't our best friends. What a horrible life for a fan girl like me. "It's a war, Barricade. Th-they have to cover their asses, too."
It wasn't fair, for either of us, but surely Barricade could understand that we couldn't disregard the Autobots as a source of help. He was smarter than that.
Barricade hissed again. "Exactly. Even if we tell them the truth and I opened my mind to the medic, what do you think they would do?" he asked. He didn't bother to wait for an answer. "It won't matter if they trust me or not at that point. They won't let me leave the base." He looked at me with an oddly upset look. "Primus, we'd be lucky if they let YOU go at that point."
I shivered. "Wh-why wouldn't they?" I asked, fearful. I was even more innocent than Barricade was, as selfish as that thought was. I wouldn't leave him on his own for sure, but to think NEST would imprison me too, as a human and an American citizen…
"It's a war, as you said," Barricade replied harshly. He clenched his fist and seemed to look out at the air as if it would give us some kind of answer we needed. "We need to think of an excuse that would let us leave the base frequently and go back to Idaho."
That was an impossible goal, or at least, that's what it seemed like. "…Like what?" I asked, miserable.
Barricade turned and looked down at me, his red optics meeting my eyes fiercely. "Exactly what you told Starscream," he said shortly.
There was a distinct pause as I tried to let my brain catch up to that declaration. "…Come again?" I asked, dreading an answer.
Somehow… some way… Barricade explained it all. It was quite simple. Suicidal and obviously risky, our plan resulted in one basic fact:
We were going to troll the fuck out of everyone.
And by troll, I mean, bullshit like never before.
Barricade and I were Neutrals by default: we wanted nothing to do with the war. Starscream expected us to be Decepticons. The Autobots expected us to be Neutrals (or better). However, in light of the fact that in order to be Decepticons, we'd have to betray the Autobots, it would be safer to assume we were on the Autobot's side when we were forced to be spies in their midst. That way, they'd let us in the door.
At that same time, the Autobots expected us to be on their team. In order to leave their team without someone watching our every move, we'd have to make them need us to go alone. We'd be double agents by spying on Starscream at the same time as we pretended to be spying on the Autobots.
While all of this is going on, we'd actually be Neutrals, but no one could know that.
Where that left Barricade and I in the long run, I hoped we could just say "alive" and leave it at that. That was a nice goal to set, in my mind.
It wasn't easy to nail it all down, however. Tricking both sides would have to be a long process, to get them to trust us. What I was more concerned with in the present moment was where the fuck was I.
"Okay, so you're going to pretend to be a Deception spy while being Neutral, but at the same time, you're going to be pretend to be an Autobot informant when the Autobots ask if you're a Decepticon," I stated.
"Right," the Interceptor said, nodding.
"And I'm going to be a Decepticon only when Starscream calls on me and I'll be an Autobot when I get called on by the Autobots," I continued. I hesitated, furrowing my brow. "So that would actually make me Neutral when I'm not called on by either."
Barricade hesitated, thinking over what I said. "Correct," he affirmed.
"But what if they both call us at the same time?" I asked, concerned.
"Both Autobots and Decepticons!" I said, now becoming very confused and flustered. "What should we do during a battle?"
"We will avoid them when possible," said Barricade grimly. "We're only going to be spies. We'll be allowed to move freely and most likely not be around during battles."
"But what if we can't?" I asked.
Both of us stopped and stared at each other. "We will just have to pretend we are on both sides," he finally said, reluctant.
"So we have to be on both teams at the same time?" I asked, scratching my head wearily.
He hesitated again. "Yes."
"But how is that supposed to work?" I asked, utterly confused. That sounded complicated and dangerous.
"If Starscream gives you an order, follow it, and if Prime gives you an order, you follow it," replied Barricade curtly. "Just bullshit your way through the situation."
"On a battlefield?" I exclaimed. "Won't someone notice? !"
"You won't be in battles, idiot," he snapped irritably. He motioned with his hand. "Are we through?"
I almost said yes, but I still was having trouble. "So, if tomorrow I get called by Optimus, I'm an Autobot. When we were with Starscream earlier, I was a Decepticon. Right?"
Barricade made a hissing sound. "Yes! We just went through this!" he complained. "You're no longer either right this instance."
"Who's team am I on then? !" I cried, bewildered. I thought I was always on a team!
"Nobody's!" Barricade shot back, irritated.
"I thought I was Neutral!"
"But that's still a team!"
Barricade growled loudly in frustration. "You are the team that you are currently obeying," he nearly shouted. "You're an Autobot if Prime calls on you, you're a Decepticon if Starscream orders you around and you're Neutral if no one is contacting you!"
I stared at him, trying my best to follow it all. It had been simple before we tried to think about it. My headache was growing exponentially.
"So…" I began, looking confused again, "what do I do if the government calls on me?"
By the time we left the underpass lot, there were two different cement support beams with Barricade head impressions embedded in their sides. I swallowed nearly half a bottle of aspirin myself when I got home. But at least we got the schedules straight.
If we were lucky, the plan would work and we could leave NEST as Autobot spies, though in reality, we'd be Neutrals (I still wasn't sure if I counted in that, but I digress). When Starscream came calling, we'd tip him real info the Autobots gave us or that we just snuck ourselves, but also grab some Decepticon secrets to ship back to the Autobots when NEST came knocking on our doors. Equal trading for equal protection—and the best part was that we were allowed to leave both headquarters freely.
…I swear, it sounded saner in the underpass, but then again, since when do plans ever really go according to how they're supposed to go?
It was a long drive back home. First stop: Nevada.
Barricade still knew how to get to the NEST base from earlier. It took us nearly two days to drive back, though we didn't stop for anything. I had to stop at a Wal-Mart along the way to grab some clean clothes, but my hair was a mess. Not that it mattered, of course. It wasn't like we were going to get a hug and kiss as a welcome when we showed up.
Maybe they were expecting us, or saw Barricade on radar. All I know is that when Barricade turned in on the dirt road leading back to the base, two helicopters showed up out of no where to guide us in, probably with guns trained on us the whole time. Lovely. It was pitch black out, too.
Inwardly, I braced myself. We had gone over the dialogue and potential slip ups non-stop that whole car ride back. I knew what to say. I was even feeling confident. What I wasn't sure of was if Prime or NEST would believe our story. The worst fear I had was that they believed us, but didn't take the offer.
I wasn't going to die and I wasn't going to jail. I didn't care what I had to do in order to achieve those goals, but we were both going to be okay. My heart pounded like a war drum and my pulse must have been through the roof—but we were going to be okay. We had to be.
Barricade didn't say anything as he rode up to the gate. I could see the Autobots, all ready with weapons. I closed my hands over the leather seats and fought the urge to throw up. Barricade didn't have to say anything to show he understood. He was scared, too. There was no way he couldn't be.
Spotlights everywhere, men shooting commands back and forth in hushed voices as we slowed to a stop and let them circle us—and Prime, looking down at us from behind a battle mask. He had a gun pointed at us. At me.
To think, I had once prayed to be one of those people holding weapons back at evil Decepticons. I had wanted to be an Autobot, an ally, a hero. Now, I was one of those evil Decepticons. I was the bad guy. I hated it—but we were going to fix it.
Gently, I opened the side door and stepped out. I was hyper-aware of all the lethal weapons pointed my way, not just at Barricade anymore. I kept my hands high above me and started to pray.
Here goes nothing.
"Whoa, easy," I shouted, forcing myself to grin. The helicopters whirling in the background made it hard to hear myself. I peered out past the blinding spotlights and sought out Prime. He was easier to spot in the dark parts of the circle than Lennox would be. "We just got out of one situation with guns being pointed at us."
"Move and we'll shoot," Lennox shouted from somewhere. I tried to find him in the ground and I thought I found him to my left. "You were working with Starscream!"
Behind me, Barricade transformed, mimicking my surrender pose. "No, we weren't," he said loudly, facing Optimus directly. He spoke bluntly, without anger. Good boy.
"Then what the hell was that? !" Lennox shouted, angry, frustrated. He probably had lost a lot of good men yesterday. I felt awful.
Outwardly, though, I grinned even more. "Starscream thinks we're working with him," I shouted back, correcting him. I looked back at Optimus. "He wasn't supposed to be there when he was, but believe us, we're doing the exact opposite of working for him."
That caught the Autobot leader's attention. "What?" he asked, stepping closer so I had to lift my chin high to meet his optics. I did so without showing how scared I actually was.
Behind me, Barricade rumbled. It was time to play our cards.
"Are you guys hiring?" I asked in the same loud voice, grinning madly as I blew a strand of dirty hair from my face. Their lack of response begged me to continue with, "Because if you are, you're not going to want to miss this opportunity."
Time to bullshit like I've never bullshitted before.
And then we told exactly what they wanted to hear.
End Chapter Five.
-In case you're really confused by their plans, they're technically double agents for both sides. They're giving Autobots info on the Decepticons and they're giving the Decepticons info on the Autobots. They did this because if they just declared open neutrality, they'd still be under arrest by the Autobots; now they just have to wear an arrest collar when out of doors, because obviously, spies can't be in jail or followed to do their jobs. ;) Whether this will work in the long run, we'll have to see~