Title: Hurts Too Much
Summary: Rachel finds herself at Kurt's New Year's Eve party, wondering why she is torturing herself like this. Post 2x10
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee if I did we would have had a happy Finchel Christmas and not the heartbreaking one we saw.
AN: So I decided to try my hand at a post Finchel break up fic. Special thanks to i-am-a-dork for being an awesome beta...and well just awesome all round :P
Hurts Too Much
She stands in the all too familiar living room, wondering why she is doing this to herself. Why is she willingly torturing herself like this? Being here, in this room is just another awful reminded of what she had, of what she lost and all because she allowed her hurt and anger to drive her emotions, her irrational fears once again getting the best of her and this time costing her the most important thing in her life. She shakes her head free of these thoughts just as she catches a glimpse of Kurt standing on the opposite side of the room and laughing with two boys from Dalton. He is the reason she was even here in the first place. She is being a good friend. When Kurt mentioned to her that he was throwing a small New Years Eve get together at his house for New Directions along with some of his friends from Dalton her immediate reaction was one of elation just for the mere fact that she was being invited to her first party, but that elation was short lived as she realized whose house this party was going to be held and immediately her elated mood had deflated.
There was no way that she could possibly show her face knowing that he was going to be there, so she had decided that she was going to forgo this event, solely so that she could keep her sanity. But then Kurt practically begged, as well as promised to introduce her to this Blaine that he has been talking a out for the past month and she just had to come to see for herself added to the fact that for the first time in well, ever, she finally had someone that she could truly call a friend and she was not going to risk ruining that friendship just for her own personal problems. It's not Kurt's fault that his step-brother was also her ex... She sighs slightly when she realizes she has yet to come to terms with the fact that she can no longer call Finn hers.
Rachel shakes her head slightly, trying to clear her mind of all these depressing thoughts. She'd promise Kurt along with herself that she was going to enjoy this party. Standing in the corner of the room wallowing in self pity as she watches everyone else mingle and have a good time was not conducive to her plan at all. With one final nod she straightens her sweater and slowly makes her way towards Kurt and his two friends.
But before she can awkwardly include herself into the conversation, Kurt eyes her and his grin widens as he pulls her closer gesturing wildly to the curly haired boy he'd been speaking too.
"Hey!" Kurt says brightly, looking at her briefly before focusing on the other boy, "Blaine I want you to meet Rachel Berry. Rachel this is Blaine."
"So what am I suddenly, chopped liver Hummel?"A tall dark boy asks cheekily to her right, she looks across at him and smiles politely before looking at Kurt, who seems unfazed by the boy's words.
"Sorry Rachel, this is Damien," Kurt says gesturing lightly at the taller boy.
"Nice to meet you," The other boy says pleasantly, she smiles about politely return a greeting when Blaine's words catch her attention.
"So you're the Rachel that Kurt told me about. He said that if you were to do Barbra rendition at Regionals, that we'd be screwed."
She pinks slightly at the compliment, not so much at the boy's words but more at the fact that he's simply repeating Kurt's praises. She sends her friend an appreciative grin before looking back at Blaine and smiles.
"Well now that your team has Kurt, I can honestly say that your team poses somewhat of a threat to us. Because while your version of "Hey Soul Sister" was flawless, being in a single gender group works to your disadvantage, as the range of songs within your repertoire would clearly be diminished due to your lack of such a versatile voice range. But now with Kurt in group I can say that New Directions may need to step up their game somewhat."
At Kurt's taken back expression, she bites her lip holding back a sigh as she realized once again that her overly abrasive attitude might have just scared of Kurt's crush, but when she hears Blaine laugh she relaxes slightly as he speaks, "Kurt did say you have an uncanny ability to speak what's on your mind and thus be brutally honest."
When Blaine brushes off her comment and continues to speak about a specific song he had liked, she kinds of zones out slightly as her gaze shifts to the other side of the room to the tall boy that has been plaguing her mind for the past few weeks, and just as she sees him, he happens to look in her direction and their eyes meet briefly. She feels her heart skip a beat at the look in his eyes, but as soon as he notices her, his entire facial expression hardens and the smile he was supporting immediately falters.
Her heart clenches at that single look and she quickly excuses herself from the conversation heading over to the tables filled with drinks and snacks. She immediately pours herself some eggnog, taking a long sip and hoping the cold drink would ease her nerves and stop her from making a complete fool of herself in front of everyone.
This is not how she's supposed to be spending her Christmas break. She had plans, they had plans. She isn't supposed to be standing here by the snack table wishing with all her might to be anywhere but here, in this room filled with people, but yet feeling all alone as she watches Finn from the other side of the room laughing with Artie and Brittany about something or the other. She's supposed to be at his side, gripping his hand and laughing at his jokes. She's supposed to reprimanding him for trying to convince her that they should sneak away to his room. She knows him and she knows that he would try and convince her that they should use the lack of parental supervision to their advantage. A ghost of a smile plays on her lips as she thinks about the fact that he would have been able to persuade her so easily, all he'd have to do was catch her under the mistletoe and he would have been able to convince to her to do just about anything.
She lets out a dejected sigh as she looks around the room at her friends, but when she catches a glimpse of Tina and Mike sweetly kissing under the mistletoe, she bites her lip to hold back her tears and quickly looks away. As cliché as it sounds, she'd been waiting for Christmas, ever since she and Finn had both decided they would celebrate their holidays together, to kiss Finn under the mistletoe. To share her first ever New Years kiss with the boy she loves. Her breath hitches slightly when she suddenly realizes that she will never get those kisses, that she would never get to kiss him ever again. When her eyes almost threaten to fill with tears she knows she needs to get out of here, but before she could, an unfamiliar voice catches her attention and she turns around, slightly confused, as she sees the tall boy from earlier looking at her and holding out a tray of sugar cookies towards her.
"Cookie for your thoughts?" he asks offering her the tray.
She continues to look at him in confusion, unsure as to why he's standing in front of her in the first place," What?"
The boy looks at her uncomfortably as he shifts from one foot to the next reminding her greatly of Finn, when he's nervous or has something that he knows she'd be upset about, but Finn always gets this sheepish guilty expression and more often than not, that expression alone would soften her up greatly to whatever it is he was going to confess about. She shakes her head of those thoughts yet again when she realizes the other boy had begun to speak and she had completely missed what he was saying.
"...cookies seemed like a good idea." She's only hearing the tail end of his comment, but she assumes her facial expression still reads that of confusion as the boy continues, sounding slightly flustered, "For your thoughts... You know 'cause you looked like you had a lot on your mind. So I thought cookies might help ease your worries."
"Thank you, but I don't think cookies would be able to cure this." she says politely
"Are you sure? 'Cause I'm pretty sure these cookies are magical or something."
She shakes her head at his words, not really one for those kind of childish beliefs and then chuckles when she gets a closer look at the cookies, "I'm pretty sure those aren't magical 'cause I made them."
What she was not expecting, was for the boy to break out into a grin, "Well then that settles it. These have to be magical cookies 'cause someone so beautiful could not make anything but magical cookies."
Her eyes widen in surprise. It's not just at his words, but it's the fact that his hand is now resting on her bicep, squeezing it slightly. She's not even sure how she's going to respond to that, when a flurry of movement catches her attention out of the corner of her eye. She looks to her left just in time to see Finn's hard gaze glaring at both her and the boy before he swiftly turns around and stalks off towards the kitchen, kicking a stool that was in his way.
Her eyes widen at that, just as the other boy speaks, "Wow, looks like someone has some anger issues. Wonder what's his deal?"
She takes a step back at his words, shaking her arm from his grasp, "You should not make assumptions about things you know nothing of."
The boy seems taken back at the venom behind her words, but she doesn't really care and is already muttering out an excuse to leave before he could even respond.
She quickly turns around and heads straight for the front door. Once she's standing on the patio steps, she grips the side rail breathing in deeply, the look in Finn's eyes catching her by surprise. She's never seen so much anger coming from Finn before and the fact that it was directed at her breaks her heart even more. For the last few weeks of their break up she's seen many emotions through Finn's eyes, mostly hurt, pain and anguish, all of which eat at her soul because she is the one that is the cause of those emotions, but never has she seen him look so angry, and it scares her more than she would like to admit.
She had this thought in her head that if she respected his request for her to give him time, that with time he would be able to forgive her. But yet here she is, almost three weeks later, and she and Finn have yet to exchange any type of meaningful conversation, actually it more like any kind of conversation. The last time they spoke was that fateful day when he officially broke up with her. She still gets a pain in her chest as she remembers that painful rejection, and after that, they hadn't spoke until much later on.
Late on the night of her 16th birthday she got a text from him, a simple text wishing her happy birthday and it's sad that, that text was probably the best birthday gift she could have asked for. But when she tried to initiate a conversation via text messages, she was left with no response and thus making her feel worse than she already was.
She is so consumed with her thoughts she does not hear the front door creaking open, and it's only when she hears the creaking of the wooden floor does she look up, she gasps softly when she sees Finn standing a few feet away his arms limp at his sides. She quickly stands up and smoothes out her sweater looking at him apprehensively unsure what to say.
Finn looks at her for what felt like eons, but in reality it's probably only for a few seconds before he speaks.
"What are you doing here?"
She's slightly flustered not expecting that question, as she wrings her fingers together nervously.
"I just need some air. What..."
"No why are you here in my house?" Finn asks cutting her off, his voice hardening. She looks at him closely to see that he is extremely tense, his hands balled up into fist at his sides.
"Kurt invited me." She clarifies, trying to keep her tone even, even though the two of them are not on speaking terms it does not give him the right to speak like that to her. And she knows already from his tone and his previous outburst earlier that he is angry. Add that to the fact that she's been in a despondent mood all evening any conversation between the two would not be conducive at all. So with one final look she nods at him before heading back into the living room her lips quivering as the reality of what they have become finally hitting her. But as she grabs the handle a voice floats through the door.
"One minute till midnight!"
She freezes at those words, torn at what she should do. She is clearly not wanted outside, but she refuses to go inside with all the happy people and further torture herself by watching everyone exchanging kisses and hugs as the clock strikes twelve. She looks behind her to see that Finn is watching her closely, but before she could make up her mind on whether she is coming or going, his voice cuts through the cold air.
"Aren't you going to ring in the new year with the douche bag from earlier?" he asks dryly, as he kicks his foot against the wooden floor, his hands in his pockets as he looks over her head, clearly refusing to make eye contact with her.
Her mouth drops in surprise not even believing the words that came out his mouth," Excuse me?"
"I knew you were mean, but I never thought you would be spiteful. Flirting with some douche in my living room knowing..."
She does not even let him finish that sentence as she takes the few steps towards him and her hand immediately comes into contact with the side of his face. The sound of her palm hitting against his skin echoes in the still night. She gasps in shock at her actions, his own face mirroring her expression as he cradles his sore cheek with his hand.
"Screw you." she says angrily, turning around. She's never been so angry in her life. She cannot believe that he has the audacity to accuse her of being some sort of harlot. She gets that he's hurt and upset, but that does not give him the right to speak to her like that. Her heart is beating against her chest as she moves towards the front door yet again, not even aware of the countdown that has begun
Ten. Nine. Eight.
She'll just have to hide in the foyer, by the numerous coats and scarves that were hung up neatly a few feet from the front door, until the excitement dies down and she can say goodbye to Kurt.
Six. Five. Four.
She grips the handle, about to yank open the front door with more force than necessary, when she suddenly finds herself being pulled away from the door.
She looks up, startled, as Finn grasps her hips and spins her around so that her back is pressed up against the pillar of the banister. Her feet are now dangling off the floor as he hoists her up, pressing his body firmly against hers. She looks up in alarm, her eyes wide with surprise.
The sounds of screams and whistles fade out as Finn dips his head towards her, his lips crashing against hers hungrily.
Her body responds immediately before her brain could even process what is going on. Her hands are in his hair, tugging at it lightly as he deepens the kiss, his tongue already seeking entrance into her mouth. She gasps softly against his lips as he presses his body firmly against hers and hoists her up a bit higher so that they are at eye level. The hand that isn't holding her up is now cupping her face as he devours her lips and she does nothing but return her sentiments with as much vigour as possible.
He tastes like her sugar cookies, the overly sweet frosting that she used still on his lips. It's been too long since they have shared a kiss like this. Hell, it's been too long since she's kissed him, and she misses the feel of his lips against hers, the way he'd nibble at her bottom lip just before she got into it. Before she can savour the kiss and the all too familiar feeling of his lips against hers, he's suddenly pulling back lowering her to the floor and taking a few steps back. She looks at him, both of them panting, their lips swollen, but the look in his eyes sends a knife straight through her heart and she knows what is coming before he even speaks.
"I'm sorry." he mutters shaking his head back and forth as he takes a few steps back yet again, "That was a mistake...I shouldn't have...I'm sorry."
And this time, he's the one walking away, but she uses her size to her advantage and quickly moves around him and squeezes herself between him and the front door, her hands on her hips as she stares up at him with a defiant look.
"You don't get to do that," she says angrily, holding her head up high. She refuses to back down from this.
But Finn is only looking at her, confused. He's got the same look he always gets when she says something that completely goes over his head. With a sigh, she folds her arms across her chest. She begins to speak again before he does.
"You don't get to kiss me like that and then apologize for it." she says firmly, and although she still thinks she deserves some of the things that came her way for what she had done, she still doesn't think it's fair for him to do this to her.
"Why not?" he asks angrily mirroring her pose, "It was a mistake and I shouldn't have..."
"Stop saying that!" she says biting her lip willing herself to not cry because she knows that if she does that he probably wouldn't take her seriously, added to the fact that when she cries, it freaks him out.
"You asked me to give you space Finn," she reminds him," You asked for time and I have given you that, despite my better judgement, because I truly believe that if we are to get past this, we need to talk about it but you won't let me apologize..."
"You've done enough of that." he snaps at her.
She simply glares at him for interrupting her, and she quickly picks up where she left off as though he never said anything. "And since you do not want me to apologize. You said you wanted time and I gave you it. I've held back on the many, many ways I thought of making it up to you because I respected your wishes. But this agreement works both ways. If you want space you have to give me the same common courtesy. It's only fair. You can't tell me to give you time and then kiss me like that and make me feel like there is hope for us when everything else that you do and say, says otherwise. It's playing with my heart and I..."
She sniffles slightly as tears begin to fall, she wipes them away quickly, furious at herself for losing her control, but she continues to speak, determined to finish what she was saying,"..and I can't...I can't let you play with my heart like that again. It hurts too much. I know what I did was wrong and I get that you're angry and upset, I should have never done it in the first place. But if you want me to...if you want me to leave you alone then you can't keep playing tug-of-war with my emotions like that. It's not fair to either of us."
She swipes at her eyes yet again as she looks at him waiting, for some kind of response.
He takes another step back and shakes his head sadly, "I'm sorry...I can't do this right now... I just...I just miss you... I shouldn't have come out here."
With those final words he turned around and walks down the stairs no doubt heading to the back entrance of the house and leaving her standing there in the cold, her heart shattering into a million pieces yet again, as she whispers softly into the dead night.
"I miss you too."
And there ends my first Finchel angst fic :) What do you guys think?
Reviews are love ;)