I was going to put this in the Deleted Files, but it's not really a TVF spin-off so I gave it its own document...
This was just a totally random idea I had today cuz I was totally bored and still snowed in... I made a few comments on the movie last winter which I put on my facebook page and a lot of people liked it, so I decided to do a more detailed remix and post it up!
I typed ALL of this on my blackberry while watching the movie and I never thought it would get so long! Sometimes my rambling scares even myself.
Also, if you LIKE the DSS movie, you shouldn't read this unless you have a sense of humour, okay? You been warned!
And we open with a strangely bald Mr Tiny (oh come on now, he's supposed to have a white mustachio! Being bald is Arrow's thing!) In a graveyard, chomping popcorn. For some reason I find this adorable. Not to mention the cute little music in the background.
Aaaand there's Steevo holding a flower! I knew he was a big ol Pansypuss. I hate to say it, but in this movie he's a lil bit sexy.
Then Darren has some commentary on life and death and all that-HEY HEY HEY. Wait a minute, Darren! You have NOT been friends with Steevo since grade 3 when he punched some kid, you've been friends since kindergarden cuz you were drawn to his wildness! At least that's what your mom said. Not even 2 minutes in and you can't keep the story straight!
Oh, and you're not supposed to buried with your goddamn game boy. Is this supposed to be fucking TVF? NO. THIS IS THE REAL DEAL. SERIOUS BUSINESS. Or at least it should have been!
Now we get to some creepy credits which take way too long-HEY! Willem Dafoe is in this! I forgot. At least I have something to look forwards to now...
More credits with freaky puppets...
More credits with f- okay here we go!
Here we are at school...funny how we never see the inside of the bathroom where the story actually starts. A shot Dar's perfect little family, they got that much right at least.
Now we see a freaky teacher with hand gestures, don't recall him. Says he: "Whatcha got for me!" -a role in a piece-of-shit movie, that's what.
Dar and Steevo skip to go stand on the roof and play with spiders and rocks, Dar shows off his lil Mr Perfectness whilst Steevo vandalizes everything in sight. As his mom tells us 2 seconds later, "BAAAD infuence!" As though he's just gotten pregnant or something.
Then it appears Dar has dumped Steevo, and they are now "secret best friends". Ouch. Then they bond for a little bit-
WOAH HOT DAMN, here comes Mr Tiny in the Purple-People-Eating-Pedophile-Pimpmobile! Or the PPEPP as I refer to it. And if that wasn't obv enough, he has personalized plates! DES-TINY. Hmm, I wonder if I can find those on ebay, they'd be cute on my truck. Anyway. He drives by all slow-like in the PPEPP which I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually need since he's supposed to, I dunno teleport or something? Why waste all that money on gas and insurance? He tosses some paper out the window. Come and get it, kiddies! Why am I thinking of Herbert from Family Guy?
Anyway, Dar and Steevo now have the CDF flyer which I coulda sworn came from that other kid's brother? Hmm.
Teacher gives a speech, which is accurate and I have no complaints...the boys bike to the show, also fine...
And then we get our first glimpse of who is later revealed to be none other than Harkat. You know, the one who doesn't make noise or reveal his name till book-frigging-four? Anyway, apparently he's really into biting people.
There's Mr Tall, looking like the creepo who runs the convenience store I frequently visit who somehow knows who I am.
Says ol' Hibernius: "Are you 21? Say yes!" Wow, can we get the liquor store to hire this guy?
And then the freaks come out to play.
I could have the facts wrong here, but did book 1 not feature a deadly wolfman rather than a buttscratching chimp-thing? Meh, I could be wrong.
Steve:"Dude he totally just scratched his balls."-Thank you for pointing that out, Steevo! Wait, were you talking about Darren or the Chimpman?
Also, the lady who so cleverly gets her arm bitten off was NOT supposed to be Corma Limbs. What, did Mr Tall get too lazy to sew her hand back on so he threw poor Corma under the bus? What is this world coming to?
Oh, one more little thing. CORMA FUCKING LIMBS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN. I'm not stupid, okay. I know movies can't stay 110% true to the books. But does that give them an excuse to totally transvestitize a perfectly fine character? Apparently!
Alexander ribs is fine... A bit moronic, but otherwise acceptable. Gertha Teeth...I honestly forget what she's supposed to look like in the books so I can't make a call on this one, but I can clearly see she looks like a Mary-Tool.
Rhamus Twobellies. Oh my goodness, it looks like the man has 4 boobs. The normal ones, and then 2 DDDDDD-cups growing his stomach.
Out comes Evra and I can honestly say without guilt, movie-fangirls, WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING? He's supposed to have scales, not a green skin condition that looks like cheap paint. But his character in the movie is actually funnier than the book, I'll give him that. Although I don't recall him starting a band.
Wait...did he just add something to his name after the Von? I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM AND I KNOW THAT'S NOT OK! Where the hell was DS when these people were butchering his characters?
Madam Truska comes out in all her hoe-like glory. Close enough to the books I guess. She gropes Dar's face for a bit, then pumps out her beard, does a weird little flashforward thing and apparently realizes Dar is special somehow.
And then the part that wet the pants of a thousand Shansters: she runs backstage to Larten who looks extraordinarily unlike the Mr Crepsley we know and love. The man looks like a fricking Teddy Bear. I like John C Reilly but he's so wrong for the role! When I watch Step Brothers, all I see is Crepsley :/
But that's not the worst part, apparently him and Truska have a bit of a fling going on, and she wants to skip town. Presumably to hit Vegas or something, but her reasoning is that she has "a foreboding." He then calls her beautiful and I can just hear the Crepsley fanatics worldwide whipping out their nuclear bombs in preparation to blow this bitch off the face of the earth.
Larten does his typical act in a really un-typical and fully tacky suit. And I'm trying to figure out whether or not he used a contraction. I didn't think he talked so damn fast. And he's supposed to have a bit of orange hair on an otherwise bald head, not a fucking FRO. And don't get me started on the tapdancing.
And ooh ooh ooh! There's Willem Dafoe! Who looks absolutely nothing like Gavner's supposed to look but I forgive him because I adored him in SpiderMan. Am I biased? Yup. He's kinda sexy in an old-man way. -NOT IN THIS MOVIE THOUGH!-
The Vur Horston thing comes up, accurate enough..
Uh oh, Madam Octa (what cute little eyes!) really lovin on Darren's thigh-
And woooah it's the HEALTH INSPECTORS! Where did THEY come from? Not the book, that's for sure.
Oh no, Dar's Spidey Senses are tingling, he wants Octa, and he's goin in for the swipe... Wow, fancy coffin ya got there Crepsley. Automatic lid? Ow ow. He grabs the spider which I'm pretty sure does not happen on the same night as the show. And then we have Larten and Gavner PMSing about stuff.
"To us and Charna's Guts." They toast. Clearly they haven't read the new TVF's, that phrase has been getting a bit more creative.
And omg Willem/Gavner, please please take off whatever the hell is on your face and look like Norman Osborn from SpiderMan again... I thought Gavner was supposed to be "burly" and NOT in book 1? According to this movie I'm very wrong!
And they continue PMSing cuz apparently Vincent is dead! Whoever the hell he is, at least he didn't suffer the dishonour of appearing in this movie. And then Gavey completely throws a bitchfit cuz the Vampanze are "after us"... Where's Arrow when ya need him? Apparently, the Vampanizzles are gonna pick everyone off, first Vincent then Larten then Gavner because he's the toughest. As icky as he looks right now, I love his acting! If I had to murder every cast member but one, I'd spare him. Unless he calls the Vampire Council a "bunch of wimps" one more time. Not cool at all, you're dissing my Princes there buddy! He goes on about how him and LCreps are the last good generals or somthin, not that LCreps is a general in the DSS books. Or at least he's not SUPPOSED to be at that point.
Oh and apparently "Tiny's back from the other side." I wasn't aware he'd left. Then we see a quick shot of him staring at a picture book, I'm making the assumption that it's child porongraphy, but that's just my hunch. Oh my bad, it's the Book of Souls. That sounds familiar A) maybe it was in the books, but I don't think so. B) because its incredibly amazingly cliche. I pick B.
The Vampaneze are also up to something apparently, and Gavey wants to go rip himself some vengeance, but Larten decides to be a Pansypuss and chill in his life as a- what? Vodvillian? I'm stumped.
And here comes Steve bursting in, the conversation is basically booklike except for Gavner trying to strangle the kid...with his pinky finger sticking out. Stay classy, Willem!
Steve is sexy...mmm...baad aasssss. Very pissed badass. Threatening LCreps right on schedule. Big diss from Gavner, a final "fuck off" glare from Larty, and Steevo's out.
Gavner takes a sip of something strong (care to share, buddy? This movie's making me a bit stressed) and then informs Larty he's off to -VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN? OMG TAKE ME WITH YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE-crap he left.
"Poor old Vincent" says Larten. Poor Vincent? Poor me, addicted to recapping this retarded movie.
Then he realizes his pet spidey is gone, blah blah, Darren who was in the closet (heh heh) the whole time makes a break for it, pops outside, and he first thing he sees is none other than our Purple-People-Eating-Pedophile-Pimpmobile! Yahoo!
And this is where my recap ends for now. I have some mind-cleansing to do. I promise I'll finish up later! I can't believe we're only 26 minutes into this movie...
PS, if you are a movie fan who was completely insulted by this and you're cooking up a bitchy little counter-attack for me, go hump a stump, cuz I warned you! This is just my personal opinion which happens to be loud and proud.
I wonder if I can make bitchy remarks at annoying things for a living...
Part 2 to come!