Holy shit guys... What's it been? I'm not even gonna count the months. Anyway, its a nice July day, I spent the morning in the pool and now the sun is all bright and ouchy so I'm hermited away in my shady living room preparing to conclude(?) my recap of Cirque Du Freak: A Butchered Masterpiece.
Before we get started, Imma review a few of my commonly used abbreviations in case you've forgotten:
PPEPP - Purple People Eating Pedophile Pimpmobile. The purple...thing...which Mr Tiny drives around in. Actually he doesn't drive, we have yet to see his chauffer. Maybe its the director, he's probably out of a job after making this movie. Anyway.
POB - Product Of Beastiality. Rebecca the Mary-Sue monkey girl. She's so awfully despicable I'd rather have Dumbass Debbie. AT LEAST SHE WAS IN THE BOOKS DAMMIT!
D or Dar - Darren. Quite obvious.
LCreps: guess who.
Hoeska/Slustka/Prostitutska/etc- Truska, because apparently LCreps needs a skanky bearded girlfriend. Don't tell Arra.
Steevo- Steve - the only attractive male in the entire thing.
Not-Harkat/Not-Little People- What should have beenHarkat/Little People. The rules of Little People have been so utterly violated that they are simply not Little People at all.
I think that's all. I wouldn't know, cuz my computer just crashed and I lost my spot. Of course I'm watching it online! I'm not gonna spend a cent on this abomination, and its not worth the gas money to hit up the local library. The only way to view this movie properly is in fact, illegally. Since it shouldn't have been made in the first place, it makes sense.
Mmm, spicy chicken strips and watching a show that didn't suck - Rodeo: Life on the Circuit. I've decided I want to be a Sports Medicine Professional, specializing in rodeo. AKA feeling up cowboy's muscles all day. Om nom nom..
Anyway, jerking out of my blissful reverie and back into the real world, which contains this ridiculously fake portrayal of the CDF world.
Once I find where I left off (again) the first thing I hear is "Unacceptable! Unforgivable!" - Mr Tiny. He's talking about the fact that he doesn't have a beard or yellow rubber boots. Actually, he's referring to the blooding of Darren. Then he says something in French and they bitch about Darren's non-blood-drinking. Then Tiny points out that "he MUST!" This guy should be on Criminal Minds. What a genius. Tiny wonders if Dar might be Vampaneze at heart. LCreps says, "you'd like that". HEY HE USED A CONTRACT- oh why bother. Anyway, I'm fairly sure Tiny wants Darren regardless - yum, children. Tiny insists he's neutral. PFFT. He's about as neutral as my truck when I forgot to shift gears before turning it off. Then Lcreps says, "that's why you want him, isn't it?"
A- shove your face back up your ass so we can't hear your incessant contractioning.
B- Tiny wants Dar to satisfy his little boy fetish.
Got it? Good. On we go.
Yeah Tiny...I'm sure "cataclysm" is all you're dreaming about... Anyway, the bitching and prophesizing continues. I can feel myself getting fat off the grease in Tiny's voice...*shudder*. Finally, the PPEPP pulls out, chased by a swarm of Beliebers- I mean, Not-Little People. His parting words - "keep an eye on him, my pets."
Major pet peeve- PEOPLE WHO SAY "MY PETS".
Anyway, we move on to Darren stepping out of his tent to go on a little stroll where he is then intercepted by Evra who had been tinkering with one of those nerd scooters. At least he's not playing with his snake for once. Minds OUT of the gutter, folks. LOLJK I was totally thinking of that too.
So the two go on a dead animal collection mission, then I almost lose my lunch as Darren stops in to check on POB who's even uglier than last time I watched this movie. She's ironing...she throws the iron at Darren... In my mind.
He says there to pick up Crepsley's cape (that's MR Crepsley to you!) Then he realizes he's being stalked by some very loud Not-Little People. He closes the door, POB notices his pants are ripped and does not hesitate to order him to "TAKE 'EM OFF!"
And that folks, is where this recap ends. I wish.
We cut to Darren wearing new pants (absence of Pirate Suit dually noted) and I wonder what happened between those last 2 scenes there...scratch that, I don't ever wanna know.
Then it gets really cute. And by cute, I mean I wanna put a bullet in my laptop.
Darren asks her exactly what she's doing with the Cirque, and then we zoom in on her face -omfg her eyebrows are fucking terrifying- and she states the fact that she is...DUN DUN DUHH! A Monkey Girl. And by extension, a Product Of Beastiality.
Seriously bitch, you keep that little secret for how long and then blurt it out like its absolutely nothing at all? No need for a lead-up or anything. "Well Darren, since you asked...I'm a monkey girl.". Hmph. "Well Darren, since you asked...I'm a sadistic cannibal." would have had the same effect on the audience, the way she said it.
LOL little Dar thinks he's misheard, and asks what that means. Well Darren, it means that one day, a troll with bushman eyebrows fell in love with a monkey so they participated in coitus (I watch the Big Bang Theory) and 9 months later, out popped Rebecca. That's what "I'm a monkey girl" means.
Actually, according to POB it just means she has a tail. Well, same difference. Then she asks if he has a problem with that. Uhm, yes dear. We SO have a problem with that. But apparently Darren doesn't. Because he thinks she's joking. THIS is our protagonist? Srsly? Ugh.
Then she changes the subject and comments that D's pants look really deliciously smexy. Actually she said "good" but her expression said deliciously smexy... D stutters like a dipshit, and then MERCIFUL LORD! We exit the tent scene and cut to Darren walking on the wooden sidewalk/road thing (so THAT'S what the majority of this movie's budget went to!) As he wanders aimlessly, LCreps pops out of the shadows and strangles the living shit out of a Not-Little Person. Darren thanks him for such violence and whines that they've been following him all day.
At this point I look up at the time...this movie is 1 hour and 44 minutes long. We're currently on 1 hour 8 minutes. I'm not much for counting, but we have...a lot more bullshit to get through.
Would it be cliche if I begged you to kill me right now? Darren asks Mr C for...girl advice. And no, its not regarding his first period (that's in the deleted scenes). He wants to know if it would be...acceptable...to like a girl who happens to have a tail. Not obvious AT ALL. He might as well just come right out and say "me want in POB's pants!" for all the subtlety he manages. Although her pants may contain quite a bit more than he bargained for... *insert obligatory chimpanzee sound effects*. Their relationship should be documented on the discovery channel, not this shitpile of a movie. LCreps is suprisingly and dissapointingly supportive. That's not the Crepsley we know and love. Must the travesty continue?
Apparently yes, because LCreps goes on to coach Darren in the art of getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter. Hey now Larty, teaching pansies how to fight is Vanez's job! But apparently LCreps isn't a great teacher cuz Dar promptly gets bested by a tree. Hands like daggers? Not quite, buddy. And then he literally wails, "Gawwwd I broke a nail!"
Who the hell let TVF Kurda in here? Oh wait, Darren's just a pussy. My baaad.
Yay, Steevo scene! He's at what appears to be a Vampaneze convention. I know this only because I recognize Murlough, otherwise the lack of purple skin just makes it look like the Emo Corner of last year's math class. I coulda sworn Murlough was a phsyco loner. Well, I've been wrong before. As this movie keeps pointing out. Pffft. Heh, Murly looks like Snape here...he's talking in a Trannsylvanian accent though. I have no idea what he's saying but I keep hearing BLOOD. Then he like, stabs or slashes poor Steevo. The prettyboy goes down, and then they gangbeat him. How very very pointless. Of course, we don't know WHY he's there, or who exactly THEY are. That's irrelevant apparently.
Then we cut to a little room where some dude is wearing PJs. Its that old teacher whose name I don't care about, with the retarded catchphrase I don't remember. Someone knocks at his door - suprise! Its Steevo. Apparently he wants revenge on some poorly graded papers. Or maybe he's just bored, who knows. Anyway its not a good night for Mr Teacher, cuz Murly steps in behind him and locks the door. They tease the poor guy for a while -Murlough would have a very sexy demeanor if he wasn't so fugly and inaccurate- and then Steevo slices into the face of the poor dude. The teacher, that is. Not Murlough. Although Murlough looks like his face got mutilated by something or other.
Oh wow, we've made it all the way up to 1 hour and 12 minutes. LOL this was supposed to be the last chapter xD My brain can't take any more without suffering a severe breakdown, and I really need it for tonight so I'm gonna save myself and leave you here. I'm gonna move on to better things and head off to Preperatory Practice for Paris Tournament, Round 1. Or, PPFPT. Not quite as catchy as PPEPP, but abbreviations are fun nevertheless. Or would that be an acronym? Idfk xD ps- Paris; not the one in France. I probably won't be home till 11 tonight - the grueling begins! But ya know I love it :) I hope to come home to a PPEPP-load of reviiiewws;)
To anyone who reviews anonymously, I recently disabled that for ..reasons xD, I'm sorry! I wish I didn't have to, but its the only way to draw a cowardly little bitch out of hiding. I hope this compels you to create an account so you can review and receive a reply if I feel so inclined xD
Love you all!