This is just some random crack-fic I came up with. It involves Edward Elric, Envy, and my OC Vengeance all trapped in a basement...why, I don't know.
It was a cold night in December. Edward had somehow been trapped in the basement of some building, most likely because Envy wanted to beat him up...again. Unfortunately, the three of them had somehow managed to lock themselves inside. Yes, that's right; three of them. Vengeance, the newest homunculus, was there also.
"Ugh! This damn door won't open!" she screamed as she repeatedly slammed herself against the door. Normally Envy would be the one doing this, but he found it was more entertaining just watching the little twit wear herself out.
"Aren't you going to something?" asked Ed.
"Son of a bitch!" shreeked the enraged sin. "The damn thing's stuck!"
"No, really? Who knew!" Envy said sarcastically.
"Well I don't see you helping me!"
"Yeah? Why should I?"
"You'd do it for Lust!" she sneered.
"Don't start with me, brat!" snapped Envy, who was blushing slightly.
"You know you would!"
"Shut up!" Envy said through gritted teeth. "You better shut your damn mouth before I -"
"Will the two of you knock it off!" Edward finally interjected. "Do you always fight like this?"
"Um, duh," the two sins replied unanimously.
Ed facepalmed, then said "We're goon have to think of a way out of here. It's getting cold. We'll have to come up with a way to keep from freezing to death."
"Well, you might have to, chibi, but we don't," Envy taunted, "Although you've got a point,"
Vengeance, still pissed at Envy for not helping her, saw the ideal oppurtunity to get even. She grinned smugly at them both and said "Too bad for you boys, you won't be able to do anything about it. Lucky for me I can use my Ultimate Heat to keep warm. The two of you are just gonna have to huddle together, or something,"
The alchemist and the homunculus both looked at eachother, thinking the exact same thing. Sure, normally they'd see this as inconcievable, but when you're desperate, you'll do anything. They looked back over at Vengeance, now a slightly-glowing shade of salmony-pink. "What?" she said.
Before she knew what was going on, Venge found herself squashed between the two of them. "Ugh! Hey, stop it!"
"Hey! Quit it! You're smothering me!"
"Suck it up, Nancy!" snapped Envy, who was laying on a bench and pressing her into his chest. "Consider it doing your part here,"
Edward lunged onto the homunculus' back, nearly breaking several of her bones. He now had himself on top of Vengeance, who was now in a smothered mess. He looked over at Envy and said "This never leaves the basement,"
"Thank God you're wearing a halter!" said Edward, nestling his face into her back.
"I swear, when we're out of this place, you're dead meat, Chibi-san!"
"So, Pipsqueak," said Envy, utterly ignoring Venge's agitation. "What would your little girlfriend think of this?"
"She's not my girlfriend!" protested a slightly-flushing Edward. "And, well, let's not think about that, okay?"
"Dammit chibi! Your automail's poking me in the ribs!" Venge complained.
"Oh, sorry," he said, moving his arm.
"Do either one of you have any shame? I mean, really guys, this is just wrong!"
"A man will do anything to survive!" exclaimed Edward. "Besides, it's Christmas for Pete's sake!"
"Screw Christmas! This holiday's worse than Halloween!"
"Will you just shut up already?" demanded a very agitated Envy. "You're starting to piss me off!"
Vengeance mumbled something about sueing them both for sexual harassment, but it was hard to hear with her face buried in Envy's chest. A few four-letter-words could also faintly be made out, but neither one cared what she was saying.
"So how are we planning to get out?" Ed finally pondered.
"I dunno, but we'll think of something,"
"We really oughtta come up with some ideas, Envy. We can't just glomp this girl forever."
"Yeah, really," Venge said in an agitated tone. "So one of you better get off your ass and-" Envy promptly elbowed her in the ribs. "No one asked you!" he hissed. She pouted. "This sucks. You two should just be grateful I'm letting you do this to me,"
"Letting us?" repeated Edward, "What do you mean, you're 'letting us?'"
"Simple," she explained, "If I wanted to, I could always make myself hot enough to peel your skins right off. But I'm not; think of it as a courtesy,"
"Why?" Envy butt in, "That's not like you, Venge,"
"Sure it is; I've got two hot guys up against me, using me as an electric blanket; what more could a girl ask for,"
Edward and Envy looked at eachother, horrified. Vengeance laughed evilly, "Still wanna glomp me?"
"Well, as long as you're enjoying yourself..." said Envy, somewhat gleefully.
"You hear something?" Edward finally broke the silence. There were footsteps coming from a...staircase, which nobody had even noticed before. Down into the basement entered Lust, Sloth, and Wrath.
"We waited for you to come back, but we-" Lust stopped short. She couldn't believe what she was seeing; Envy was lying on a bench, with Vengeance on top of him, and Edward Elric on her back. It was definitely a sight to see; and enough to leave them all slackjawed.
"Hey Sis, how are - WAAAA!" Wrath's nose spurted blood as soon as he saw his 'sister' smooshed between the two boys. Sloth quickly covered his eyes with one hand as her jaw fell in amazement.
"Should I ask?"
"No!" all three replied, breaking off one another. All had faces beet red from embarrassment, Edward was hiding his face, and Envy was ready to ripout his Philosopher's Stone from embarrassment. Vengeance would normally be plotting her revenge at this point, but considering how things had turned out, she decided she didn't have to.
Well, now you know. Are you scarred for life now? Man, sometimes my own mind scares me...hehe, that's pretty funny; using Venge as an electric blanket! Please review! XD