Ash and Evie in Fifteen Minutes
For those who don't feel like surfing through the entire series
(with love to the incomparably funny Cleolinda Jones, who came up with the "Movies in 15 Minutes" concept)

In The Ever Afterlife, part two (chapters sixty-something to the end)

In The Demon Mall

SPARKLY PRINCESS DEVI: Dammit, Twitchy! I finally get my cameo and you make me a little girl?

TWITCHY: *backing away* Uuuuuh…it was funny?

SPARKLY PRINCESS DEVI: *muttermutter*

EVIE and RACHEL: Yeah, it squicks us out too…you were saying?

SPARKLY PRINCESS DEVI: Ash caught my human. I want him back. *pout*

EVIE: Take it up with him.

SPARKLY PRINCESS DEVI: Pshh. He's way more interested in sexing it up with you in the lines to return my calls. Did I mention we can all watch when you do that?

(As RACHEL and EVIE make vows of celibacy, ASH and AL show up, followed by DALI)

AL: WOMAN! Where's my familiar? Where's Pierce?

ASH: WOMAN! Where's my human? Where's Nick?

DALI: TRACKERS! Where's our resident psycho-bitch-queen? Newt's run off.

SPARKLY PRINCESS DEVI: You lost all of them in one night? We're demons, yo. This is fucking embarrassing.

DALI: Shut up and go fetch!

(The demons make the mistake of leaving RACHEL and EVIE alone together, fuming over really atrocious coffee in the demon mall.)

RACHEL: C'mon. Let's blow this joint.

DEMONS ALL AROUND: *perk up*

RACHEL: In your dreams, boys!

(RACHEL and EVIE escape through a ley line, ending up just outside…)

Top Secret Vault of Scary Murdering Drug Lord Elf-In-Disguise

EVIE: *reading script* You brought me where?!

RACHEL: Don't worry, he's only a scary murdering drug lord elf-in-disguise who hunts down his prey on horseback with a pack of ravenous dogs on new moon nights.

QUEN and TRENT: Ataaaaaack!

RACHEL: Shit, is it a new moon night?

TRENT: No, we just had a terrorist attack and she did it.

EVIE: Couldn't have been me. Last night I was too busy….uh….washing my hair.

RACHEL: Couldn't have been Evie, because I was in the Ever After too, and I know for a fact that she was…uh…

EVIE: Washing. My hair.

CERI: Oh, that demon sexing-in-the-lines thing last night was you?

EVIE: *headdesk*

In the Lounge of Armchair Detecting

(They retire to the study and discuss possible culprits for the terrorist attack that killed eleven elven scientists)

EVIE: I'm thinking it was Pierce. Because he was really, really mad about…umm…

RACHEL: Absolutely nothing.

EVIE: Right. I was the only one getting freaky with the shampoo last night. Her hair is unclean.

RACHEL: Positively filthy!

QUEN: Uhh…OK…how about Newt? Maybe she was upset about the, uh, demonic salon treatments apparently going on last night?

TRENT: Went looking for a cut & blow dry herself, maybe?

EVERYONE: *shudder*

CERI: Thank you for that delightful mental image. Newt…does not respond well to spa treatments, and would never leave the Ever After. How about Nick?

RACHEL: Totally my top candidate.

TRENT: If he were going to blow up a lab, he'd make it look like an accident and be faking his own death.

RACHEL: Good point.

TRENT: *eyes RACHEL* Which gives me an idea…

CERI: Well, that about covers all the major characters. Surely this fanfic farce is winding down, not gearing up for a sequel, so it must be one of those three.

TWITCHY: *evil cackle*

EVIE: Oh, hell. Twitchy's rubbing her hands and muttering something about the formula of a romance novel.(*) And I hear Evanescence playing in the background…this can't be a good sign.

(Unexpectedly, ADRIAN of the Coven uses a curse to contact EVIE, and arrange to summon her at sunset for grilling by the Coven. Then EVIE asks DALI whether NEWT would possibly have reacted badly to demonic…uh…hair-washing. DALI gives her a curse to try to locate her).

CERI: Hold it! Not in front of the kid. Any further washing of hair will be done OUTSIDE.

In the Kalamack Gardens

EVIE: Here we go! *invokes curse*

(Things don't work quite as planned, but she does locate NEWT. NEWT appears with a MYSTERIOUS YOUNG GIRL)

NEWT: Look what I found! It was all in pieces in the lines, and I put it back together again. Mostly. Still a few bits missing. Can I keep it?

EVIE: She's a demon, too?

RACHEL: Why is she covered in suspicious-looking rubble?

EVIE: Surely it has nothing to do with a recently blown-up building…?

NEWT: I think it's a Mary Sue. Should I kill it?

RACHEL: Of course not!

NEWT: Well, I found it, and I'm keeping it.

EVIE: Um, Finders Keepers doesn't really apply to people, Newt.

NEWT: Well, hell, you're right. Especially since she already has a label. (NEWT points to demon mark on MYSTERIOUS YOUNG GIRL'S ARM.) She belongs to Zaebos.

RACHEL: Not yet she doesn't! We need to help her!

NEWT: Why?

RACHEL: Because we're the good guys!

NEWT: You're both well on your way to shacking up with demons. What on earth makes you think that?

EVIE and RACHEL: …

NEWT: Look, the only way to save her is to give her to me.

(After a long argument, EVIE and RACHEL still think the MYSTERIOUS YOUNG GIRL should get a choice over which crazy to live with. They all give her a demon mark, and strike a bargain with Newt. The bargain is not without its catch:)

NEWT: So she picks Zee, and I give her mark to you.

RACHEL: *gulp* Uh huh.

NEWT: And she picks death, and I give her mark to you.

EVIE: *gulp* That's right.

NEWT: And she picks me, you both side with me against Zee in court.

RACHEL and EVIE: *nod, wondering how they get themselves into situations like this*

NEWT: I don't see how this could possibly backfire on any of us. Let's wake her up.

(The MYSTERIOUS YOUNG GIRL'S name is HOPE. Because her soul was scrambled like an egg, and NEWT didn't get it all, she's a little…confused.)

HOPE: Who are you all and why am I covered in mysterious rubble?

EVIE: I'm Evie.

RACHEL: I'm Rachel.

NEWT: ….who are you all and why am I in this fanfic?

TWITCHY: *headdesk*

HOPE: Interesting. You appear to be suffering from the same kind of memory deficit that apparently plagues me.

NEWT: You're so cute I could take you home and eat you up.

EVIE and RACHEL: AAAAAAA!

NEWT: Figure of speech.

EVIE: Do you want the long version or the short version, kid?

HOPE: The short one.

RACHEL: There's been a terrible accident, and everyone thinks you're dead, and….hey, kid, are you even listening?

HOPE: Who are you all and why am I covered in mysterious rubble?

(RACHEL takes HOPE for a walk. NEWT and EVIE have a chat.)

EVIE: You sure you know what you're getting into?

NEWT: Two amnesiacs living together? It's perfect! We each have half a memory, so together, we have...uh…

EVIE: You have two amnesiacs living together.

NEWT: Really? Whose hare-brained idea is that?

EVIE: *facepalm* Hey! Did you just steal a memory from me while I was distracted?

NEWT: *innocent whistling face*

INNOCENT WHISTLING FACE: looks like this: {3^*

EVIE: No, really, I could have sworn you were just in my head.

NEWT: OK, You caught me. Have a Bottle of Red on the house. Now with 50% more soul and a delightfully smutty aftertaste!

(EVIE has just acquired one of four soul-containing bottles she needs to win the game! But the princess is in another castle. And HOPE is returning with RACHEL.)

HOPE: Who are you and why am I covered in mysterious rubble?

RACHEL: Please save me.

NEWT: Sure. C'mon, kid. *poofs*

Back in Trent's Batcave

TRENT: You let her get away? Ellasbeth is going to freak!

RACHEL: Ooh, I get to mess with her again? She's fun.

EVIE: Do tell…?

RACHEL: I've met her a couple times. First time I was washing my hair in Trent's place. Last time I left her stranded at the altar after dancing with Al.

EVIE: You've had an eventful love life, haven't you?

RACHEL: That…came out wrong.

EVIE: So is Trent good at washing hair?

RACHEL: Shut up.

TRENT: You've never washed hair until you've tried wild elven shampoo.

EVIE: I dunno, demons can whip up some pretty wicked suds, too.

CERI: {3^*

RACHEL: I hate you all. Let us never mention clean hair again.

CERI: Anyway, get Hope back, or Ellasbeth will sic her magic elven hounds on you. Have a nice day!

EVIE: So...who's Ellasbeth, again?

RACHEL: Wow, Twitchy's really scraping the bottom of the barrel for characters now, isn't she?

Back in the Ever After

EVIE: Ash! Look what I won! *holds up Bottle of Red*

ASH: Nice. Who'd you have to blow to get that?

EVIE: Uh…Newt?

ASH: Damn. *suspiciously impressed*

EVIE: So can we go save Red now?

ASH: No.

EVIE: Which reminds me, stop with this whole catching people and selling them into slavery thing, it skeeves me out.

ASH: No. Sex?

EVIE: Why do I even bother trying to talk to you?

(hot and heavy demon sex ensues, and for shits and giggles, ASH reveals his ancestral form in the middle of their encounter)

EVIE: #$^ $^&* !

ASH: hee!

(-and she likes it)

EVIE: Tell anyone about this and I'll never wash my hair with you again.

ASH: ….what?

Meeting with the Coven

VIVIAN: We've arranged a neutral meeting place for you to discuss this issue with Ellasbeth. Don't kill her or enslave her.

EVIE: We wouldn't do that, would we, Ash?

ASH: {3^*

EVIE: You're not helping.

ASH: *proceeds to fellate bananas*

EVIE: I swear to God I'm going to make you wait back in the ley line.

(ELLASBETH'S parents made a deal with ZAEBOS that has something to do with both HOPE and ELLASBETH'S pregnancy. ELLASBETH is ignorant of most of the details, and her parents were in the blown-up building. But she does know one very important detail about the deal:)

ELLASBETH: So you have to bring back Hope, or Zaebos will steal my baby!

EVIE: is he the father…?

ELLASBETH: *death glare*

EVIE: So let me get this straight. You promised Zee a demon girl in exchange for a healthy elven DNA sample so you can have a healthy elven girl?

ELLASBETH: I didn't. My parents did. I didn't know the details, so that puts me morally in the clear.

EVIE: Uh huh.

ELLASBETH: And we got the elven DNA sample we needed from Trent. So go tell Zee I want a refund on this deal.

EVIE: Did your parents get a receipt?

ELLASBETH: I wouldn't know, now that they are dead from squish, thanks to Hope. So, to reiterate: you have to bring back Hope, or Zee will steal my baby, and I'll blame YOU.

EVIE: Yeah, that sounds about like my luck. Hey Viv, is there any chance I could get unshunned if I rescue a baby?

VIVIAN: No.

ASH: Tough crowd.

EVIE: Seriously? What do I have to do, save the world?

ADRIAN: It's not you, it's the whole you being a demon's familiar thing.

VIVIAN: No, it is you.

EVIE: *sigh* We'll be going now.

ADRIAN: I still like you, if that helps…

ELLASBETH: We don't. That's why we sent that homicidal nurse after you. Nothing personal. Have a nice day!

EVIE: Elves are fucking insane.

ASH and EVIE visit ZAEBOS

(ZAEBOS leads them into a trap! Rocks fall and everyone dies! ASH and EVIE barely escape with their lives.)

EVIE: I can't believe you finagled another demon mark out of me to save our lives. And what the hell are those?

ASH: Soul globes. Zee, uh, really likes kids.

EVIE: OK, so there's someone here who's worse than you. Good to know.

ASH: *preen*

EVIE: Holy crow, what's up with Zee?

(ZAEBOS is currently looking rather dessicated from a curse-gone-wrong)

ZOMBIE ZAEBOS: braaaaaiiiiins…

EVIE: Does he really…eat…?

ASH: Only elves. Snap out of it, Uncle Zee, you're embarrassing me!

EVIE: You have a zombie in your family who collects infant elven souls? PLEASE tell me he's the black sheep.

ZAEBOS: No, we ate all the black sheep in the family years ago.

EVIE: …I want to go home now.

ASH: So what's the deal with Hope? And the death trap? You'll be humming I Dream of Jeanie as soon as Newt hears about this.

ZAEBOS: What? I like my privacy. And it's not like Newt wasn't in on it all along.

EVIE: ZOMG!

ASH: I see. That's why she marked the girl and plans to challenge you in court? This is our resident batshit-crazy amnesic queen we're talking about here. You sure she even remembers your nefarious plan?

ZAEBOS: *blinkblink* Say what now? Damnit! *poofs*

EVIE: OK, I'm confused now.

ASH: Welcome to life in the Ever After. We're all enigmas wrapped around mysteries, stirred up with ego and betrayal, stewed in shunned solitude, marinated in burnt amber stank, and fermented for 6000 years or so in a really mind-warping alternate reality.

EVIE: Demon society. Like a really gross old century egg.

ASH: Um…I was actually trying for a fine cheese analogy, there. Let's go home.

EVIE: Shouldn't we hike on over to Newt place?

ASH: One does not simply walk into Newt's place. To the Batphones!

Chez NEWT

(HOPE is hanging out with NEWT's new familiar, NEBIROS the VERY UNLUCKY, while NEWT and ZAEBOS discuss their differences over coffee and fireballs of mass destruction in the next room over.)

HOPE: *looks concerned as wall begins to flake* Do you think we should stop them?

ASH: I think we should sell tickets.

EVIE: How are you doing, Hope?

HOPE: I'm a bit concerned about how I'm going to finish out my semester…? But Newt's being awful nice to me.

EVIE and ASH: *share suspicious glances*

HOPE: Having my own personal servant is nice, though, even if he can't mix a drink to save his life.

(NEBIROS looks a lot like FABIO. Most of the Ever After is still stuck in the eighties.)

FABIOS: It's not a drink, it's a potion for your memory, love.

HOPE: It tastes like ass and dead clams. Keep fanning!

FABIOS: *grumblegrumble*

HOPE: So mind telling me what this is all about?

EVIE: It's kinda simple. Zaebos is your biological father. He wants to chuck your soul out of your body and inhabit it himself so he can escape the Ever After.

ZAEBOS: *appears* Why, I never! Of all the absurd things to say! If anyone's looking to do creepy things to you, it's Newt over there. And anyway, why would you trust the word of someone you don't know over the word of your dear dotty old uncle who gave you a pony when you were little?

HOPE: He's got a point.

EVIE: But was it really a pony?

HOPE: Come to think of it, Misty did have some rather unusual dietary requirements…but that's not the point! Uncle Zee and Auntie Newt have both been awfully nice to me. Whereas you are telling me all kinds of distressing things.

EVIE: Like the fact that your parents probably knew all about this deal to trade you to a demon?

HOPE: Case in point. Also, I hate you.

EVIE: Yeah, I get that a lot. So here's your options, kid. You can tell me and Rachel and Newt to go take a hike and go live with Zaebos, or you can trust that we're trying to help you and stay with Newt. Pick which crazy you want to live with.

HOPE: So it's the blue pill or the red pill? Which one lets me forget all this shit ever happened, again?

NEWT: Well, I can always kill you. You won't remember anything after that.

HOPE: Clearly you're the voice of reason, here. I'll stick with you.

ZAEBOS: *dons villain hat and mustache* It's not over! *poofs*

HOPE: It's not over?

EVIE: Well, no. There's still the whole fighting over you in court thing. Plus I have to find out the fine print of the deal between the elves and Zee, before Ellasbeth gives birth to her baby. Otherwise bad things happen to me.

HOPE: So it's all about saving your own ass? That, I can understand.

EVIE: Actually, it's kind of therapeutic. I mean, bad things happen to me no matter what I do. This is about rectifying my old sin. I've devoted my life to helping teenagers. If I can save one…just one… *eyes go misty*

ASH: Oh, jeez. *eyeroll* We have to go. The lambs are screaming again.

(Time passes. Evie is stuck waiting for information.)

ADRIAN: Nothing new to report.

ELLASBETH: Still preggers.

ZAEBOS: Still plotting!

NEWT and HOPE: Bonding!

RACHEL: Avoiding Al like the plague and ducking pointed questions from Ivy and Jenks.

AL: {3^*

ASH: Still mischievous and sexing Evie up at every opportunity.

EVIE: So have we finally settled into some kind of stable relationship?

ASH: Let's sum up, shall we? A few years back, we did the demon equivalent of tattooing each others' names over our hearts. Then a few weeks back, we became mutual familiars. Then about two days ago we did the demon sexing thing, which initiates the process of forming a mate bond between us. Except to save your life, I had to reset that back to zero. So now we're still familiars, and I have a real mark of debt over you. So that means I'm winning.

EVIE: *headdesk* It's not a contest, you ass! Besides, I still own you and all your stuff. The demon court said so.

(Suddenly, a surprise attack out of the blue!)

KU'SOX: I keel you!

ASH: Help!

DEMONEVIE: Hands off my man, ROWWRR! *wields Poker of Great Justice*

KU'SOX: You hit me over the head with a poker? Lame! Also, OW!

ASH: *decisive smackdown*

KU'SOX: *poofs*

MYSTERIOUS HUMAN: I kidnap you!

EVIE: wait, what?

(The MYSTERIOUS HUMAN grabs EVIE and poofs with her! They reappear in...)

Spooky Church Somewhere In St. Louis

EVIE: Aren't you the human who escaped Ash?

NICK: I saved you! You should be grateful.

EVIE: Except for the part where Ku'Sox is going to eat me when he shows up. I'm outa here!

NICK: I handcuff you!

EVIE: I'll zap the sap out of you!

NICK: I zip-strip you!

EVIE: Oh, yeah? I summon Rachel!

NICK: Oh, shit.

RACHEL: OMG. NICK? You summoned Ku'Sox?

TWITCHY'S READERS: Wait, what? So confused now.

TWITCHY: Yeah! Alternate universe! I'll review all the little similarities and differences in the plotlines at the end.

TWITCHY'S READERS: We don't actually care all that much.

TWITCHY: See the end!

TWITCHY'S READERS: You were saying? Rachel and Nick?

NICK: Rachel, honey, let me explain. I did it all for you!

RACHEL: This ought to be good.

NICK: See, we made a deal. I free him, he kills off all the familiar-hunting demons. All my demon marks go away! And you're free of Al! And the world is safe from demonic menace forever!

RACHEL: You missed the part where Ku'Sox then takes over the world and eats everyone.

NICK: OK, still working on that part.

IVY: Hi, I'm making a cameo, just because.

EVIE: I find you strangely attractive.

JENKS: Cameo! Hey, I remember you, Evie. You're a total wuss.

EVIE: I find you strangely insulting.

JENKS: Say, you don't know what went down that night in the Ever After, do you?

IVY: When Rachel went off to talk to Al, spent the night, and came back all freshly showered?

RACHEL: HAVEN'T WE TAKEN THIS METAPHOR FAR ENOUGH? Stop with the questions about sexing it up with Al!

IVY: Um...I wasn't being metaphorical?

JENKS: Yeah, you usually just come back reeking like burnt amber.

IVY: ...and often sooty and smoking gently from a curse gone wrong.

JENKS: So what's this about sex with Al?

RACHEL: HEY! Can we get back to the smiting and righteous indignation and kicking ass?

JENKS, to IVY: Protesting waaaaay too much.

IVY: *nods sagely* Knew it.

EVIE: Leaving now. By the front door. Bye!

KU'SOX: Special delivery! I've got your order of Deep Hurting, with sides of Creepy Banter and Soul Eating.

NICK: Oh, and Unexpected Betrayal for dessert! *curses Rachel to be stuck in the Ever After.*

RACHEL: Not unexpected, crap-for-brains. Curse yoooouuuu-! *poofs*

KU'SOX: With a Double-Crossing cherry on top! *eats Nick*

NICK: Should have foreseen thiiiiisss-! *dies*

EVIE: Now would be a great time to get summoned out, Ash. Ash...?

KU'SOX: Mmmm, another snack!

EVIE: Damnit, Ash! Get me out of here!

(EVIE does get summoned out of there…but it's totally not by ASH!)

Al's Place

EVIE: Wait, you summoned me? Thanks.

RACHEL: Ivy and Jenks?

EVIE: They got away. Bad news about your ex, though. Hey…is there some reason Ash isn't answering my summons?

AL: Well, there's always the possibility that he's about to die a horrible, horrible soul-death from which even demon immortality cannot save him, as soon as the sun rises. Do you care?

(ASH: Is it the End of the Dream?)

EVIE: Actually, yes.

AL: Enough to star in a really dreadful sequel inspired by bad angsty music? I mean, we can end this whole crazy saga right here, you know.

(ASH: Bring me to Life!)

EVIE: Except I've got responsibilities and stuff. The whole Hope thing?

AL: Enough to let me possess your body?

EVIE: Welll...I guess...If I must...*starts unbuttoning shirt*

AL: Not in a sexy way!

(ASH: I'm Going Under!)

EVIE: ….ew. But OK.

AL: Did I mention I'm a real bastard?

(AL rescues ASH in EVIE's body, but gives ASH the impression that EVIE has betrayed him.)

On the Surface of the Ever After

AL/EVIE: I'm leaving you for AL. Have a nice life.

ASH: …..My Heart Is Broken. Woe.

AL/EVIE: For fuck's sake, Ash, shut the hell up. *ditches Ash on the surface*

ASH: Hey! My aura's fucked up and I have no curses! How am I supposed to get home? Swim?

(Then AL gives EVIE back her body and tells her ASH is dead.)

The End.

TWITCHY'S READERS: WTF?! This doesn't even make any sense!

TWITCHY: I know, and it's kind of impossible to make the ending funny, too. It brings back too many memories of high school. *eyetwitch*

TWITCHY'S HUSBAND: Someone PLEASE take away her iPod before the lambs start screaming again...?

Coming in the future, sometime: A Mile with Sorrow in 15 minutes!

*note: the formula of Every Romance Ever Written, according to Frank Drebin, Naked Gun: "It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day. Goodyear? No, the worst."


Plot points from Pale Demon and A Perfect Blood- do they happen in this universe's timeline? I made this list to keep it clear in my head, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to post it.

Rachel getting sanctioned by the Coven at the annual meeting in San Francisco: didn't happen. They let her off the hook. Five+ years have passed since them.

Rachel's road trip with Trent: didn't happen yet, but will happen for different plot reasons.

Trent stealing his daughter from Ellasbeth: also didn't happen yet, but will happen for different plot reasons, and Rachel will be helping him along with Ivy and Jenks.

Ku'Sox getting released into reality: happens, but he's not freed by Trent. Instead, he's freed by Nick, for typical desperate rat reasons.

Rachel getting banished to the Ever After after getting landed with the curse that was formerly on Ku'Sox: happens, but by Nick instead of Trent.

Nick, alive and well and figuring into future plotlines: no longer happening! He's dead. Ku'Sox ate him.

Rachel having dinner at Dali's and making the tulpa: happens.

Al pinning Rachel against a bookshelf and kissing her: didn't happen.

Al caring for Rachel after she makes the tulpa: happens, although since they have slept together previously she *does* wake up in his bed. I intend to write that scene because it ends with:

Rachel nearly frying Al with a ley line, and Newt saving him: happens. Then, immediately afterward:

Rachel fights Ku'Sox alone, defeats him by returning the curse and condemning him to the Ever After forever, and Trent saves her by putting her soul in a bottle, then helps her fake her death: happens.

Pierce joining the Coven, and ultimately betraying Rachel by revealing she protected Al: didn't happen. Pierce never regains his seat as a Coven member.

Pierce helping Trent by joining in the plot to fake Rachel's death, and sacrificing himself to Al to save them both: happens. Pierce vanishes halfway through Ever Afterlife and helped Trent come up with the plan.

Pierce now belonging to Newt as her new familiar: Didn't happen. Al kept him following Rachel's "death." His current whereabouts have not yet been revealed.

Ku'Sox killing off the Coven: happens. Only Vivian, Oliver, and Adrian are left.

Rachel successfully keeping her non-dead status from Al and the demons for months?: doesn't happen. Al finds out within a week, thanks to Evie, but has not yet done anything about it. The rest of the demons don't know. Newt is too distracted to remember that Rachel is dead. (lol)

HAPA: exists, is referenced, but none of the events of A Perfect Blood have yet happened and are unlikely to appear here.