Audience: AHH OMG WAR!

Moffat: We wanted to start with a bang… get it?

John: Oh shit! Okay, just a dream… *sniffle*

Therapist: soooooooo….

John: You are no help at all.

Therapist: Start a blog since that is the 21st century equivalent of keeping a diary!

John: Would that make me gay?

Therapist: No, it's a blog.

John: …blog is a weird word.

-CREDITS, COOL MUSIC TIME! Oh look, The London Eye!-

Guy #1: Oh no I'm taking a pill and I'm nervous about it. *gurgle*

Wife: *sniff* um… suicide is sad.

Guy #2: Oh no I'm taking a pill and I'm upset about it… and I'm wet. *gurgle*

Newspaper: *sniff* suicide is still sad.

Lady #3: Oh no I'm taking a pill and I'm crying about it… and I'm drunk! *GURGLE*

Lestrade: Hello press conference!

Donovan: So nothing to worry about even though these are totally linked and creepy.

Sherlock: TEXT BOMB!

Donovan: That bitch ho!

Lestrade: Almost to retirement age… so close…

John: Oh look, the park

Random doctor friend: OMG HEY JOHN HEY!

John: Um… life sucks, my hand shakes, and no one wants to live with me.

Random doctor friend: Oh I totally have a guy I can set you up with.

John: Oh cool – wait what?

Random doctor friend: Room with… guy you can room with. *shifty eyes*

Sherlock: I loooooooooove dead bodies.

Molly: *swoon*

Sherlock: Ah, the riding crop of a million fanfics.

Molly: omg, please go out with me and bring the riding crop!

Sherlock: Bring my coffee upstairs, bitch.

Random doctor friend: INTRODUCTIONS!

Sherlock: Hey can I borrow your phone? This is totally not a cheeky plan of mine to show off.

John: Okay sure, seems totally normal.

Sherlock: Afghanistan or Iraq?

John: Afghani- whaaaaaaat?

Sherlock: Seriously? That's not even a hard one.

Molly: Coffee.

Sherlock: No lipstick?

Molly: Suck it.

Sherlock: Nooooooope! So, John, roommates?

John: I… uh… what?

Sherlock: Gotta go!

John: I… uh… what?

Sherlock: Ya well, you're a doctor, your limp is fake, your brother's a wife leaving drunk, and I'm a bad ass.

John: I… uh… what?

Sherlock: SHERLOCK HOLMES, 221B BAKER STREET. IT'S ICONIC!

Lady #4: Oh no I'm taking a pill and I'm wearing pink while doing it! *gurgle*

Sherlock: Hey, gurl, hey!

John: Oooooooo nice place!

Sherlock: No worries, Mrs. Hudson fangirls me.

Mrs. Hudson: Yes! I get two cute boys!

John: Wow, there's a ton of shit in here.

Sherlock: Um…

Mrs. Hudson: Boyfriend for Sherlock!

John: Wait, what?

Sherlock: *shifty eyes*

John: So, I googled you.

Sherlock: Did the naked pictures come up?

John: Are you famous or something?

Sherlock: Uh, duh.

John: I am intrigued.

Lestrade: I've come crawling…

Sherlock: Oh, I guess I'll help.

John: Huh?

Sherlock: SWEET! SERIAL SUICIDES! Party time for Sherlock!

John: I might want to rethink this living situation…

Sherlock: Want to come follow me around?

John: Oh, hell yeah

Mrs. Hudson: Date night?

Sherlock: The game, Mrs. Hudson, is on!

John: Why don't I get dramatic lines?

-Snuggle time in a taxi-

John: Sooooooooo… you're a detective?

Sherlock: How have you not read Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?

John: How did you know all that stuff about me? Are you my stalker?

Sherlock: Uh, you gave me your phone and I have eyes, they're pretty.

John: um…

Sherlock: Dude. You've got a boring army haircut unlike my awesome curls, your phone is a drunk busted gift, and you have no Clara but neither does your brother, so life sucks for you.

John: You forgot my fake limp.

Sherlock: That too.

John: *swoon*

Sherlock: Wow, normally I get bitched out.

John: Cept Harry is my sister.

Sherlock: Yeeees, more gay!

Donovan: Wtf?

Sherlock: Let me in, ho.

Donovan: You brought a puppy?

Sherlock: Colleague.

Donovan: Is that code for fuck buddy?

John: Wait… what?

Anderson: I hate you.

Sherlock: Sally likes you.

Anderson: Um…

Donovan: Um…

Sherlock: Blow job!

John: Wow.

-CRIME SCENE-

Lestrade: Um… who is that guy?

Sherlock: He's with me

Lestrade: Wait… by 'with' you mean…?

Sherlock: *whistles*

John: …

Dead lady: I am very pink and dead.

Sherlock: Wow, these floating words in the air really help with figuring stuff out.

Anderson: German!

Sherlock: *doorface*

Lestrade: So what?

Sherlock: John?

John: WTF?

Sherlock: She's a slutty media girl from Cardiff with a shitty marriage since her jewelry is shinny except the important ring and she is all wet with dirt on her leg.

Lestrade & John: 0_0

Sherlock: Did you steal her suitcase, you klepto?

Lestrade: Um… no suitcase.

Sherlock: Who's Rachel?

Lestrade: Wait, so not German?

Sherlock: Uh, duh.

John: Oh my god, I love you.

Sherlock: Seriously, where is the suitcase?

Lestrade: Seriously, no suitcase.

Sherlock: YES, SERIAL KILLER!

Lestrade: Wait… what?

Sherlock: PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!

John: Uh… so I'm going home now?

Donovan: Are you guys dating?

John: This going to be a running joke, isn't it?

Phone booth: *RING RING*

John: Um…

Creepy Mycroft: Get in the car or I'll ring more phones!

John: 0_o

Anthea: *texts*

John: Ooooo, hot woman

Anthea: *texts*

Mycroft: Hey, so you're hanging around Sherlock now?

John: Um…

Mycroft: Are you dating my brother… I mean, Sherlock Holmes?

John: Jesus Christ!

Mycroft: But seriously, want to keep me updated on every thing he does? I'll pay you like you're a whore.

Sherlock!text: Get your sweet ass back here.

John: Bye now.

Mycroft: Seriously, big money, look your hand's not shaking.

John: I'm going to get my gun, thanks.

Mycroft: PS – fire your therapist, you're a war addict

John: *shifty eyes*

Anthea: *texts*

John: So, you want to go out sometime?

Anthea: *texts*

John: Okay, bye.

Sherlock: I loooooooooove nicotine.

John: Three patch problem?

Sherlock: You stole my line!

John: Soooo…

Sherlock: I'm going to lie here and hold your phone.

John: I met your arch enemy.

Sherlock: Wait… we haven't gotten to the Moriarty plot line yet.

John: He had an umbrella.

Sherlock: Oh, that bitch? Fuck him.

John: Wait… shouldn't we be worried about him?

Sherlock: Nope! Here, text this murderer now, it will be totally okay.

John: All right, I don't see the problem in that.

Sherlock: Look! Found her case but not her phone, dun dun dah!

John: Wait… I probably shouldn't have sent that text.

Sherlock: So yeah, the killer drove her to her death spot, dumped the case because, seriously, pink, bleh. And he has to still have her phone!

John: I'm still concerned over texting a murderer.

Phone: *ring*

John: Oh shit.

Sherlock: Date night?

John: We are not calling it that.

Sherlock: Dangerous?

John: Coming!

Sherlock: So, who hunts in the middle of a crowd? I can't think of a single thing even though I'm a genius.

John: Did a taxi just drive by?

Sherlock: I go in the back doors of restaurants because I'm boss.

Restaurant guy no one cares about: Oh my god you brought a date to my restaurant, omg omg, fangirling!

John: Wait, I said it wasn't going to be called date night!

Restaurant guy no one cares about: He got me off murder.

Sherlock: And got you on robbery.

Restaurant guy no one cares about: You are so lucky to be his date!

John: I'm not his date!

Sherlock: I'm going to stare out the window.

John: So… no girlfriend?

Sherlock: Do I look straight to you?

John: So boyfriend then?

Sherlock: Would I be at a restaurant with you if I did?

John: Okay! …wait

Sherlock: Are you flirting with me?

John: No! I'm not gay.

Sherlock: Are you interested in me?

John: No! Not gay!

Sherlock: Are we on a date right now?

John: Not. Gay.

Sherlock: What about the small romantic candle?

John: …maybe a bit gay.

Sherlock: TAXI!

John: Oops, forgot my cane.

Sherlock: FUCKING RUN!

-Street signs flashing up in here!-

John: Omg, no way jumping over fall to death!

Sherlock: Suck it up, pussy!

Taxi American: …omg the British are CRAZY!

Sherlock: Daaaaaamn, not the murderer, lame!

Driver: *cough*

Sherlock: I also pick pocket.

John: Bang me now.

Sherlock: So, we're roommates now right?

John: How are we both so cute when we stand here giggling?

Restaurant guy no one cares about: Hey! Hey! Hey! Sherlock's boyfriend, I brought your cane.

John: um…

Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock, you're in trooooooooouble!

Lestrade: Fake drug bust!

John: For real?

Sherlock: Um…

John: I mean, really, this guy is way too cute to be a junkie.

Sherlock: Um…

John: I mean that would be really cool to see him high but…

Sherlock: Yeah, about that.

John: Ow, my brain.

Anderson: Please, please can I frisk him?

Donovan: Human eyes?

Lestrade: Gonna help us properly now?

Sherlock: I am going to pout.

Lestrade: Matching nicotine patches!

Anderson: You are so totally the murderer!

Sherlock: I am going to kick you in the teeth.

Lestrade: Rachel is pink girl's dead daughter.

Sherlock: Yes! Dead!

Lestrade: No, like still born dead.

Sherlock: Well then, who gives a shit?

Everyone: *stare*

John: Sherlock, how are you so awkward?

Sherlock: Yeah well, what if you were dying pansy!

John: I got shot, remember?

Sherlock: Awkward… again…

Mrs. Hudson: Uh… Sherlock, your taxi is here.

Sherlock: Fuck off annoying lady!

Anderson: Whaaat…

Sherlock: I hate your face!

Anderson: *sniffle*

Mrs. Hudson: About this taxi…

Sherlock: Oh, she's the smarty pants; Rachel would make a lovely password!

Everyone: Uh…. What…?

Sherlock: Really? Nothing? …I am going to bash my head against this wall. Fucking idiots!

Everyone: Um…

Sherlock: Smart phone, Rachel, GPS, bitches!

John: Word.

Sherlock: What would I do without the internet? I'd have to use a magnifying glass or something!

Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock, taxi guy won't shut up.

Sherlock: I am still ignoring you.

John: Sherlock, the GPS says the phone is here.

Lestrade: Well, that messes up your little smarty speech. *grumbles* asshole.

Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson, I am no longer ignoring you.

Driver!text: Come to papa!

John: So?

Sherlock: I am going to go outside now for absolutely no related reason at all, nothing dangerous, no murderer in a taxi, just getting fresh air. Promise.

Driver: Taxi time?

Sherlock: I clearly should have thought of this 20 minutes ago when I grabbed your taxi.

Driver: I have a working class accent!

Sherlock: So, am I arresting you now?

Driver: Well, you can but it would be so much more fun and give us a dramatic ending sequence if you get in my cab and we drive around.

Sherlock: I like the way you think.

Driver: I'm going to sit in my cab in creepy dark lighting so you know this is dangerous.

Sherlock: Getting in!

John: I was stalking Sherlock out the window and he just left without telling me!

Lestrade: *pouts* He didn't tell me he was leaving either…

Donovan: Let's get the fuck out!

John: ANSWER YOUR PHONE, MURDERER!

Lestrade: *bitch face* LEAVING!

Sherlock: Soooo….

Driver: I totally know all about you and was warned to watch out for you.

Sherlock: Well, I am pretty amazing but – wait, someone warned you? Is this going to be a future plot point?

Driver: …Maybe

Lestrade: Bye John, good luck making Sherlock into a 'good' man.

John: Is this another gay reference?

Driver: Ready for chat time?

Sherlock: Yep!

Driver: And I have a gun.

Sherlock: Whatever!

John: Why is the internet slow when I use it?

Laptop: BEEP BEEP BEEP LOOK AT THE MAP BEEP!

John: Oooooooohhhhhhh shit!

Driver: I've got a pill in a bottle!

Sherlock: Okay.

Driver: I'm mysterious.

Sherlock: Okay.

Driver: Two pills in two bottles, ta da!

Sherlock: Weren't you in Bleak House?

Driver: I'm a genius, just like you!

Sherlock: Yeah, but I'm waaaaay more attractive.

Driver: You're gonna die!

Sherlock: Not if I keep up my condescending tone of voice.

Driver: Pick a bottle, take a pill and I take the other.

Sherlock: Wow, this game sucks.

Driver: Aw, come on, it's so totally fun. There's death.

Sherlock: Yeah, I like death but this is totally a lame game.

Driver: You can have this bottle and I'll keep this one.

Sherlock: Really? This is the way we move the plot forward?

Driver: Come oooooon, you know you want to pick one!

Sherlock: You know the way you say 'bottle' is really annoying.

John: WHERE THE FUCK IS SHERLOCK!

Driver: Pick a bottle!

Sherlock: Chance.

Driver: Chess!

Sherlock: I'm just going to sit here and look pretty.

Driver: Seriously, I'm a genius.

Sherlock: Oh, I'm going to unravel you!

Driver: Shit, getting personal.

Sherlock: Awww, your wife left you and you don't get to see your kids. Sob story!

Driver: Shit, more personal.

Sherlock: AH HA, DEAD MAN PLOT!

Driver: *pout* It's not nice to make fun of the disabled!

Sherlock: So you're killing people because… you love your kids?

Driver: Nice jump.

Sherlock: I like using big words like 'paralytic.'

Driver: Your fan is paying me to kill people and you don't even get paid to solve crimes for the police. I totally win.

Sherlock: Who?

Driver: I'm not telling!

Sherlock: I am going to smack you in the face.

John: Do I seriously have to search all over this college for your stupid ass, Sherlock? My job on this show sucks!

Driver: Pick a bottle!

Sherlock: Nah.

Driver: I'll shoot you.

Sherlock: Go ahead.

Driver: No, for real, I will.

Sherlock: All righty.

Driver: Gonna pull the trigger.

Sherlock: Bring it.

Driver: *flame* You are really no fun.

Sherlock: Bitch please, I know the real shit, LATER!

Driver: But I still have these two poison pills someone needs to take. They're non-refundable.

Sherlock: …Okay, cool, I don't see why not since I totally know which one is the safe bottle.

Driver: This is like a genius bonding experience… except you die.

Sherlock: No, you're totally going to die.

John: I'm still running !

Driver: Slow motion race!

John: Oh shit, I came out on the opposite side. There is no way this will be useful!

Driver: I'm going to taunt you with words about you being a genius and needing to prove it and being bored and yadda yadda, there's dramatic music playing.

Sherlock: There is no way these could both be poisoned, no Princess Bride here, so I'll just take this – OH MY GOD YOU'VE BEEN SHOT!

John: *whistles*

Sherlock: TORTURE SCENE!

Driver: Wait, aren't you the good guy?

Sherlock: GIVE ME NAME, BITCH!

Driver: Owie, okay, prima donna, Moriarty.

Sherlock: …gay name.

Driver: *dead*

Lestrade: What the fuck were you doing?

Sherlock: I can haz blanket?

Lestrade: They can haz photos.

Sherlock: Dude the guy you are looking for is just like John Watson.

Lestrade: What?

John: Do de do…

Sherlock: Uh, nevermind.

Lestrade: Huh?

John: Sup?

Sherlock: So… like… thanks for saving my life and all that.

John: Yes! I'm useful!

Sherlock: Bad cabbie.

John: No crime scene giggling!

Sherlock: But we're so cute when we do.

John: Idiot.

Sherlock: …I really like it when you insult me, date night?

John: Omg look, umbrella man!

Sherlock: Mycroft, didn't I tell you to fuck off?

Mycroft: I'm telling mom!

John: No way…

Mycroft: Be nice to me Sherlock!

Sherlock: No, fatty!

Anthea: *texts*

John: So…

Sherlock: GOODBYE!

Mycroft: *sniff* I just want love…

Anthea: *texts*

Sherlock: So, Chinese?

John: Are you asking me on a date?

Sherlock: Bet I know your fortune cookie!

John: Guessing.

Sherlock: Not.

John: Totally.

Sherlock: Oh, and I learned our overarching theme for the mini-series.

John: It's not our gay tension?

Sherlock: Moriarty!

John: *jealous*

Mycroft: Should I say their full iconic names so they can slow motion walk to dramatic music?

Anthea: *tex- … What?

Mycroft: SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DR. WATSON!

John: Why don't I get a first name?

Sherlock: Because I'm the star!

Both: *STRUT TIME*