Audience: AHH OMG WAR!
Moffat: We wanted to start with a bang… get it?
John: Oh shit! Okay, just a dream… *sniffle*
John: You are no help at all.
Therapist: Start a blog since that is the 21st century equivalent of keeping a diary!
John: Would that make me gay?
Therapist: No, it's a blog.
John: …blog is a weird word.
-CREDITS, COOL MUSIC TIME! Oh look, The London Eye!-
Guy #1: Oh no I'm taking a pill and I'm nervous about it. *gurgle*
Wife: *sniff* um… suicide is sad.
Guy #2: Oh no I'm taking a pill and I'm upset about it… and I'm wet. *gurgle*
Newspaper: *sniff* suicide is still sad.
Lady #3: Oh no I'm taking a pill and I'm crying about it… and I'm drunk! *GURGLE*
Lestrade: Hello press conference!
Donovan: So nothing to worry about even though these are totally linked and creepy.
Sherlock: TEXT BOMB!
Donovan: That bitch ho!
Lestrade: Almost to retirement age… so close…
John: Oh look, the park
Random doctor friend: OMG HEY JOHN HEY!
John: Um… life sucks, my hand shakes, and no one wants to live with me.
Random doctor friend: Oh I totally have a guy I can set you up with.
John: Oh cool – wait what?
Random doctor friend: Room with… guy you can room with. *shifty eyes*
Sherlock: I loooooooooove dead bodies.
Sherlock: Ah, the riding crop of a million fanfics.
Molly: omg, please go out with me and bring the riding crop!
Sherlock: Bring my coffee upstairs, bitch.
Random doctor friend: INTRODUCTIONS!
Sherlock: Hey can I borrow your phone? This is totally not a cheeky plan of mine to show off.
John: Okay sure, seems totally normal.
Sherlock: Afghanistan or Iraq?
John: Afghani- whaaaaaaat?
Sherlock: Seriously? That's not even a hard one.
Sherlock: No lipstick?
Molly: Suck it.
Sherlock: Nooooooope! So, John, roommates?
John: I… uh… what?
Sherlock: Gotta go!
John: I… uh… what?
Sherlock: Ya well, you're a doctor, your limp is fake, your brother's a wife leaving drunk, and I'm a bad ass.
John: I… uh… what?
Sherlock: SHERLOCK HOLMES, 221B BAKER STREET. IT'S ICONIC!
Lady #4: Oh no I'm taking a pill and I'm wearing pink while doing it! *gurgle*
Sherlock: Hey, gurl, hey!
John: Oooooooo nice place!
Sherlock: No worries, Mrs. Hudson fangirls me.
Mrs. Hudson: Yes! I get two cute boys!
John: Wow, there's a ton of shit in here.
Mrs. Hudson: Boyfriend for Sherlock!
John: Wait, what?
Sherlock: *shifty eyes*
John: So, I googled you.
Sherlock: Did the naked pictures come up?
John: Are you famous or something?
Sherlock: Uh, duh.
John: I am intrigued.
Lestrade: I've come crawling…
Sherlock: Oh, I guess I'll help.
Sherlock: SWEET! SERIAL SUICIDES! Party time for Sherlock!
John: I might want to rethink this living situation…
Sherlock: Want to come follow me around?
John: Oh, hell yeah
Mrs. Hudson: Date night?
Sherlock: The game, Mrs. Hudson, is on!
John: Why don't I get dramatic lines?
-Snuggle time in a taxi-
John: Sooooooooo… you're a detective?
Sherlock: How have you not read Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
John: How did you know all that stuff about me? Are you my stalker?
Sherlock: Uh, you gave me your phone and I have eyes, they're pretty.
Sherlock: Dude. You've got a boring army haircut unlike my awesome curls, your phone is a drunk busted gift, and you have no Clara but neither does your brother, so life sucks for you.
John: You forgot my fake limp.
Sherlock: That too.
Sherlock: Wow, normally I get bitched out.
John: Cept Harry is my sister.
Sherlock: Yeeees, more gay!
Sherlock: Let me in, ho.
Donovan: You brought a puppy?
Donovan: Is that code for fuck buddy?
John: Wait… what?
Anderson: I hate you.
Sherlock: Sally likes you.
Sherlock: Blow job!
Lestrade: Um… who is that guy?
Sherlock: He's with me
Lestrade: Wait… by 'with' you mean…?
Dead lady: I am very pink and dead.
Sherlock: Wow, these floating words in the air really help with figuring stuff out.
Lestrade: So what?
Sherlock: She's a slutty media girl from Cardiff with a shitty marriage since her jewelry is shinny except the important ring and she is all wet with dirt on her leg.
Lestrade & John: 0_0
Sherlock: Did you steal her suitcase, you klepto?
Lestrade: Um… no suitcase.
Sherlock: Who's Rachel?
Lestrade: Wait, so not German?
Sherlock: Uh, duh.
John: Oh my god, I love you.
Sherlock: Seriously, where is the suitcase?
Lestrade: Seriously, no suitcase.
Sherlock: YES, SERIAL KILLER!
Lestrade: Wait… what?
John: Uh… so I'm going home now?
Donovan: Are you guys dating?
John: This going to be a running joke, isn't it?
Phone booth: *RING RING*
Creepy Mycroft: Get in the car or I'll ring more phones!
John: Ooooo, hot woman
Mycroft: Hey, so you're hanging around Sherlock now?
Mycroft: Are you dating my brother… I mean, Sherlock Holmes?
John: Jesus Christ!
Mycroft: But seriously, want to keep me updated on every thing he does? I'll pay you like you're a whore.
Sherlock!text: Get your sweet ass back here.
John: Bye now.
Mycroft: Seriously, big money, look your hand's not shaking.
John: I'm going to get my gun, thanks.
Mycroft: PS – fire your therapist, you're a war addict
John: *shifty eyes*
John: So, you want to go out sometime?
John: Okay, bye.
Sherlock: I loooooooooove nicotine.
John: Three patch problem?
Sherlock: You stole my line!
Sherlock: I'm going to lie here and hold your phone.
John: I met your arch enemy.
Sherlock: Wait… we haven't gotten to the Moriarty plot line yet.
John: He had an umbrella.
Sherlock: Oh, that bitch? Fuck him.
John: Wait… shouldn't we be worried about him?
Sherlock: Nope! Here, text this murderer now, it will be totally okay.
John: All right, I don't see the problem in that.
Sherlock: Look! Found her case but not her phone, dun dun dah!
John: Wait… I probably shouldn't have sent that text.
Sherlock: So yeah, the killer drove her to her death spot, dumped the case because, seriously, pink, bleh. And he has to still have her phone!
John: I'm still concerned over texting a murderer.
John: Oh shit.
Sherlock: Date night?
John: We are not calling it that.
Sherlock: So, who hunts in the middle of a crowd? I can't think of a single thing even though I'm a genius.
John: Did a taxi just drive by?
Sherlock: I go in the back doors of restaurants because I'm boss.
Restaurant guy no one cares about: Oh my god you brought a date to my restaurant, omg omg, fangirling!
John: Wait, I said it wasn't going to be called date night!
Restaurant guy no one cares about: He got me off murder.
Sherlock: And got you on robbery.
Restaurant guy no one cares about: You are so lucky to be his date!
John: I'm not his date!
Sherlock: I'm going to stare out the window.
John: So… no girlfriend?
Sherlock: Do I look straight to you?
John: So boyfriend then?
Sherlock: Would I be at a restaurant with you if I did?
John: Okay! …wait
Sherlock: Are you flirting with me?
John: No! I'm not gay.
Sherlock: Are you interested in me?
John: No! Not gay!
Sherlock: Are we on a date right now?
John: Not. Gay.
Sherlock: What about the small romantic candle?
John: …maybe a bit gay.
John: Oops, forgot my cane.
Sherlock: FUCKING RUN!
-Street signs flashing up in here!-
John: Omg, no way jumping over fall to death!
Sherlock: Suck it up, pussy!
Taxi American: …omg the British are CRAZY!
Sherlock: Daaaaaamn, not the murderer, lame!
Sherlock: I also pick pocket.
John: Bang me now.
Sherlock: So, we're roommates now right?
John: How are we both so cute when we stand here giggling?
Restaurant guy no one cares about: Hey! Hey! Hey! Sherlock's boyfriend, I brought your cane.
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock, you're in trooooooooouble!
Lestrade: Fake drug bust!
John: For real?
John: I mean, really, this guy is way too cute to be a junkie.
John: I mean that would be really cool to see him high but…
Sherlock: Yeah, about that.
John: Ow, my brain.
Anderson: Please, please can I frisk him?
Donovan: Human eyes?
Lestrade: Gonna help us properly now?
Sherlock: I am going to pout.
Lestrade: Matching nicotine patches!
Anderson: You are so totally the murderer!
Sherlock: I am going to kick you in the teeth.
Lestrade: Rachel is pink girl's dead daughter.
Sherlock: Yes! Dead!
Lestrade: No, like still born dead.
Sherlock: Well then, who gives a shit?
John: Sherlock, how are you so awkward?
Sherlock: Yeah well, what if you were dying pansy!
John: I got shot, remember?
Sherlock: Awkward… again…
Mrs. Hudson: Uh… Sherlock, your taxi is here.
Sherlock: Fuck off annoying lady!
Sherlock: I hate your face!
Mrs. Hudson: About this taxi…
Sherlock: Oh, she's the smarty pants; Rachel would make a lovely password!
Everyone: Uh…. What…?
Sherlock: Really? Nothing? …I am going to bash my head against this wall. Fucking idiots!
Sherlock: Smart phone, Rachel, GPS, bitches!
Sherlock: What would I do without the internet? I'd have to use a magnifying glass or something!
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock, taxi guy won't shut up.
Sherlock: I am still ignoring you.
John: Sherlock, the GPS says the phone is here.
Lestrade: Well, that messes up your little smarty speech. *grumbles* asshole.
Sherlock: Mrs. Hudson, I am no longer ignoring you.
Driver!text: Come to papa!
Sherlock: I am going to go outside now for absolutely no related reason at all, nothing dangerous, no murderer in a taxi, just getting fresh air. Promise.
Driver: Taxi time?
Sherlock: I clearly should have thought of this 20 minutes ago when I grabbed your taxi.
Driver: I have a working class accent!
Sherlock: So, am I arresting you now?
Driver: Well, you can but it would be so much more fun and give us a dramatic ending sequence if you get in my cab and we drive around.
Sherlock: I like the way you think.
Driver: I'm going to sit in my cab in creepy dark lighting so you know this is dangerous.
Sherlock: Getting in!
John: I was stalking Sherlock out the window and he just left without telling me!
Lestrade: *pouts* He didn't tell me he was leaving either…
Donovan: Let's get the fuck out!
John: ANSWER YOUR PHONE, MURDERER!
Lestrade: *bitch face* LEAVING!
Driver: I totally know all about you and was warned to watch out for you.
Sherlock: Well, I am pretty amazing but – wait, someone warned you? Is this going to be a future plot point?
Lestrade: Bye John, good luck making Sherlock into a 'good' man.
John: Is this another gay reference?
Driver: Ready for chat time?
Driver: And I have a gun.
John: Why is the internet slow when I use it?
Laptop: BEEP BEEP BEEP LOOK AT THE MAP BEEP!
John: Oooooooohhhhhhh shit!
Driver: I've got a pill in a bottle!
Driver: I'm mysterious.
Driver: Two pills in two bottles, ta da!
Sherlock: Weren't you in Bleak House?
Driver: I'm a genius, just like you!
Sherlock: Yeah, but I'm waaaaay more attractive.
Driver: You're gonna die!
Sherlock: Not if I keep up my condescending tone of voice.
Driver: Pick a bottle, take a pill and I take the other.
Sherlock: Wow, this game sucks.
Driver: Aw, come on, it's so totally fun. There's death.
Sherlock: Yeah, I like death but this is totally a lame game.
Driver: You can have this bottle and I'll keep this one.
Sherlock: Really? This is the way we move the plot forward?
Driver: Come oooooon, you know you want to pick one!
Sherlock: You know the way you say 'bottle' is really annoying.
John: WHERE THE FUCK IS SHERLOCK!
Driver: Pick a bottle!
Sherlock: I'm just going to sit here and look pretty.
Driver: Seriously, I'm a genius.
Sherlock: Oh, I'm going to unravel you!
Driver: Shit, getting personal.
Sherlock: Awww, your wife left you and you don't get to see your kids. Sob story!
Driver: Shit, more personal.
Sherlock: AH HA, DEAD MAN PLOT!
Driver: *pout* It's not nice to make fun of the disabled!
Sherlock: So you're killing people because… you love your kids?
Driver: Nice jump.
Sherlock: I like using big words like 'paralytic.'
Driver: Your fan is paying me to kill people and you don't even get paid to solve crimes for the police. I totally win.
Driver: I'm not telling!
Sherlock: I am going to smack you in the face.
John: Do I seriously have to search all over this college for your stupid ass, Sherlock? My job on this show sucks!
Driver: Pick a bottle!
Driver: I'll shoot you.
Sherlock: Go ahead.
Driver: No, for real, I will.
Sherlock: All righty.
Driver: Gonna pull the trigger.
Sherlock: Bring it.
Driver: *flame* You are really no fun.
Sherlock: Bitch please, I know the real shit, LATER!
Driver: But I still have these two poison pills someone needs to take. They're non-refundable.
Sherlock: …Okay, cool, I don't see why not since I totally know which one is the safe bottle.
Driver: This is like a genius bonding experience… except you die.
Sherlock: No, you're totally going to die.
John: I'm still running !
Driver: Slow motion race!
John: Oh shit, I came out on the opposite side. There is no way this will be useful!
Driver: I'm going to taunt you with words about you being a genius and needing to prove it and being bored and yadda yadda, there's dramatic music playing.
Sherlock: There is no way these could both be poisoned, no Princess Bride here, so I'll just take this – OH MY GOD YOU'VE BEEN SHOT!
Sherlock: TORTURE SCENE!
Driver: Wait, aren't you the good guy?
Sherlock: GIVE ME NAME, BITCH!
Driver: Owie, okay, prima donna, Moriarty.
Sherlock: …gay name.
Lestrade: What the fuck were you doing?
Sherlock: I can haz blanket?
Lestrade: They can haz photos.
Sherlock: Dude the guy you are looking for is just like John Watson.
John: Do de do…
Sherlock: Uh, nevermind.
Sherlock: So… like… thanks for saving my life and all that.
John: Yes! I'm useful!
Sherlock: Bad cabbie.
John: No crime scene giggling!
Sherlock: But we're so cute when we do.
Sherlock: …I really like it when you insult me, date night?
John: Omg look, umbrella man!
Sherlock: Mycroft, didn't I tell you to fuck off?
Mycroft: I'm telling mom!
John: No way…
Mycroft: Be nice to me Sherlock!
Sherlock: No, fatty!
Mycroft: *sniff* I just want love…
Sherlock: So, Chinese?
John: Are you asking me on a date?
Sherlock: Bet I know your fortune cookie!
Sherlock: Oh, and I learned our overarching theme for the mini-series.
John: It's not our gay tension?
Mycroft: Should I say their full iconic names so they can slow motion walk to dramatic music?
Anthea: *tex- … What?
Mycroft: SHERLOCK HOLMES AND DR. WATSON!
John: Why don't I get a first name?
Sherlock: Because I'm the star!
Both: *STRUT TIME*