Pitch black darkness.
Something I'm used to. Something I can deal with. It separated me from the things that I couldn't deal with.
Which is why I had to leave. It wasn't my choice. Not at all. There's a great other-worldly force out there. That's the force that kicked me out. It was their choice to make me leave. Not mine. Not mine at all.
So here I am. In the dark.
Just the way I like it. The way I'm used to. The way that's easy to deal with.
There's no way I could've stayed, even if I was allowed. Even if I really wanted to. I didn't belong with them. Not in the slightest. I didn't fit in. I was an outcast, no matter what they said otherwise. No matter what they promised.
They were lying to me.
I wasn't their friend.
I was an outcast.
They only kept me there for their personal gain. For their own benefit. I'm sure they didn't care at all.
But they acted so nice and they were so caring. It felt so genuine. Like maybe they did care. That for once in my life, someone did care.
But they were too nice. I didn't like it. It was too much. It drove me to tears. I couldn't stand being around them anymore.
So I left.
Not by choice. Not mine. But still, I left.
Because I had to.
There just wasn't any other options for me.
If I had stayed, I could've hurt one of them. After all of the "nice" things they had done. They were being nice, right? Was I just paranoid? Did I just imagine their selfishness? Were they actually kind to me?
If they were, I knew I couldn't hurt them. I just couldn't. I didn't want to. That would have been so disrespectful and. . .and. . .
I don't know. I just couldn't hurt them. I couldn't - I still can't - bring myself to do it.
If I had stayed, they would've been harmed. They would've been dragged into my miserable life. I know it. I'm sure of it. And I couldn't bear the thought of causing them that much pain.
Besides, I just don't connect with people. I don't know how.
And, truthfully, I'm afraid to learn.